MILES to GO || before I sleep

So I finally finished posting my old journal/diary entries back from high school, when I had an account at FreeOpenDiary. I'm still missing a chunk of time from August 2002-December 2003 (starting mid-January 2003, I started posting here on LJ), which I imagine is when I was posting on my Greymatter blog on my domain at the time, rosedreams.org. I can't find archives of it (as I can for my old Updates blog, which was also Greymatter-run), but there might be CDs or other back-ups lying around that I might be able to find. We'll see.

In any case, I'm doing what I said I would, and highlighting some of my favorite entries from back in the day. I really was quite different then, I think...

I hated Valentine's Day then, too.
Mme. Sweet, purveyor of fine quotes and assorted catchphrases
One day I'll be on the Billboard 40 alongside Weird Al
Oh, the irony.
Post 9/11
What it feels like for a Mer
Easily flattered! (FLocked)
There are some good people out there... somewhere
The beginning of Mer's Grand Adventure
First kiss, first boyfriend, a first time for everything

I'll edit this entry and add more later, but I'm running out of battery yikes gotta go bye!

ETA OT: So I'm plugged in here at the food court in front of the bookstore... though to call it a food court is a misnomer, since all the "restaurants" (besides Burger King which REALLY doesn't count) and Jamba Juice closed for renovation-- next Fall it'll reopen with new places like Panda Express (blargh) and El Pollo Loco ("The Crazy Chicken." Yes, I really want to eat you) and "Juice it Up" which I've never heard of.

Anyway, I decided to try and make my business card, so I thought, "Why not open up the Image Tricks program that came with my BeLight Business Card Composer 4 software?" And WOW is it killer! There are some Pro features that I can't take advantage of until I register, but even the free ones are pretty cool. Simple sliders and color adjusters can produce ALL kinds of cool effects with images or just with lines and dots! I took an image of the "Book of Secret Arts" (A Yu-Gi-Oh card) and I ended up making some REALLY cool designs with it. Hehe! But I got to thinking, what sort of an image really DEFINES me?

Post an image (preferably small; that is: bigger than 100x100 but smaller than 1024x768) that you think defines "me" (without being a picture of me, of course) and I'll do the same for you.

Hopefully I can come up with something that I can use on my business card this summer. :}

It's suddenly occurred to me, with the force of a volcano exploding beneath my feet, that I am a senior. What's happened? I know it's all unreal-- I still feel sixteen, still remember the hallways of my middle school, and still consider myself a B.I.T.C.H-- babe in total control of herself.

And yet, with being a senior (and don't say it... I know this sounds like a Spiderman line) comes a great amount of responsibility. There's pressures from all sides to graduate on time, to get a scholarship (or two, or three) and go on to a good college. It seems like everyone's doing it, and in response to it, colleges are getting more crowded, and tuition is going up.

How terrible. But I find in my senior year, it's harder to get by, even a mere three weeks into the year, without money. Many of my friends have jobs, while others are desperately scouring the job binder, or applying (like me) to work at the polls on Election Day (this will be my second year of waking up at an ungodly hour to sort papers). I had a job once, about two summers ago, but that was when I was an inexperienced, money-grubbing teenager, with no sense of a timecard or anything like that.

Now in my senior year, I'm wishing I hadn't spent that last $20, or had put those $150 from that job two years ago into my bank account. Everything that people hype about senior year-- whether it's worth the talk everyone spreads about it-- costs money.

If you plan on graduating on time, and with your class, prepare to dish out money for the cap and gown. Me, I'm in the all women's advanced choir, and I have to pay $40 for an embroidered fleece jacket, and $50 for a yearly rental of a black dress. If I want to keep my demi-ratty song book that is emblazoned with 'First Ladies' in gold text, that's another $20.

Oh, mustn't forget PROM-- that's going to be in the hundreds. I don't know where it is yet, but hopefully it'll be at the hotel where my mom works so I can work for cash or something-- since dances were never my thing anyway, but it's always fun to "be there."

I was thinking about getting a senior ring, but the deposit is $50.00, and the cheaptest, nicest looking rings I could find were already $159.00. Yearbooks-- which I haven't gotten since my sophomore year, will be at least $65. I already scalp $3 off my mom for lunch every day, and more on days when I have Night School or special events that I want to go to with my friends. I'm not even including movies and other outings, since this is my senior year, and I may never see my friends again.

This bill is really adding up! I'm skipping most other dances, like Winterball and the Boat Dance... and there's always other stuff like sweatshirts, pom-poms, pens for yearbook signing, haircuts, @_@...

Between all my other gimmes, I don't know where to start. I know there's fundraisers and fee waivers for some of the more required stuff, but YEOUCH!

Well, this is an interesting day. For starters, the weather here by the bay is oddly hot-- and by hot, I mean we actually passed the 78 degree record high for this time of year. Yesterday, according to the usually-wrong and oh-so-snooty weatherman, we actually reached 88 degrees!

In other news, though, I got my STAR 9 test results back. What are STAR 9 tests? Well, it's California's standardized test that they give to grades 2-11. It stands for Stanford-9, or Standardized Testing And Reporting.

Being a journalist, these type of things come up frequently in arguments-- why are we assigning numbers to people, comparing them to kids around the nation? If every standardized test is different, then what good does comparing one kid in one huge city (with 18,000 high school students in it ANYWAY) to the kids living in Kansas do? You can see where I'm going with this.

I consider myself an intelligent young woman, and I always have been-- but two things annoy me. The first is putting total faith in one's "intelligence" as labeled by a test. The second is rating someone's ability to perform in a given situation or environment on a number. I may have gotten a 1450 on my SATs, but that doesn't mean I know how to figure out 15% tip on a $63.54 dinner off the top of my head.

I'm sure plenty of people will call me hypocritical for saying this-- but here are my scores, and even though there were some portions where I didn't even TRY (like I've been saying, junior year SUCKED)-- and you'll be able to tell which ones they are, I still did rather well. So here goes:

Total Reading: 99th percentile
Vocab: 99th percentile
Reading Comprehension: 97th percentile (O.O WHAT!?)
Mathematics (get ready to laugh): 20th percentile

-I'm disappointed in myself-- and I know my mom would be too, knowing that 80% of all 11th graders in this country are better than me at math. I can't excuse this, but I can explain it-- the "Integrated 3" questions had nothing to do with the Interactive Math I'd been in-- the class moved rather slowly, and there were high and low periods in which I did/understood the work. They were so confusing (and they didn't let us use a calculator, either) that I wanted to cry-- but I gave up, instead choosing to sleep for the rest of the test.

Language: 99th percentile
Language Mechanics: 99th percentile
Language Expression: 98th percentile
Science: 86th percentile (O.o This is amazing. I thought I left in the middle of the chem test... and my chem teacher, who had been gone for the first three months of the school year, wasn't that great of a teacher. I still passed her class with a C, but THIS IS AMAZING!)
Social Science (History): 99th percentile (WAHAHAHA! And I got a 3 on the AP test! EAT THAT, MR. M! Are you telling me I deserve that F now!?)

I was labeled as "Advanced" (the highest possible target zone for scores) in US History, and English-Language Arts, but Far Below Basic for Integrated Math, and Basic (one off from the State Target of "Proficient") for Chemistry. Go figure.

Students have to take these tests to get out of high school. I've heard colleges look at them. Based on your scores, you can get $1000 Governor's Scholarships-- I got one last year. We also have to take the HSEE (class of 2004 and beyond, which isn't me, but now it applies to 75% of the school) or High School Exit Exam-- the Golden State exam in history, English, math, and science... plus schools encourage you to take the PSAT in 10th grade, or sign up for PPSAT classes. There's just so many tests and so many labels they slap onto students that it's no wonder that there are kids like me who ae intelligent, but lack the motivation necessary to oust themselves out of the 20th percentile.

What state governments and school districts need to do is focus on the student's individual needs-- and if it costs them more money to do so, so be it. It'll be worth it in the long run.

Well, this weekend was eventful. Starting with Great America, and ending with a new list of "Gimmes," it's been nothing short of stressing... and entertaining.

When my friend stayed over for Tuesday-Thursday, there were some misadventures too-- like when we all saw "Reign of Fire," and Joe (boyfriend) couldn't have looked more BORED. Saturday we were supposed to go to Great America (theme park, for the uninformed), but at the end, when we both wanted to go on Stealth, no one was allowed to bring belongings up to the platform. -_- Total bull, mind you. Joe said he'd go back to our unlimited use locker (at the front of the park, while Stealth coaster was in the middle) and try to shove my bag in there. I was worried while waiting for him to come back... me being short and all, I climbed up on every platform and fence I could to see if I could spot him. When I did, he was coming towards me-- with the bag, but then he turned right around. I wasn't sure whether to follow him or not, so I stayed in line-- and it wasn't until I was about 20 minutes away from my turn that I found out that he wasn't allowed in line-- the queue line had closed, and there was no room in the lockers. In short, he'd spent an hour and twenty minutes waiting for me in line.

Talk about a guilt complex-- I couldn't stop apologizing! Ironic, too, since my friend that stayed over apologizes for things that aren't her fault, either. When she stayed over, she surmised that the reason I haven't been able to eat much lately is because I'm stressed-- and I couldn't find why. After all, summer school was going great, theme park Saturday was coming up, and everything seemed peachy. But truth be told, I was a bit worried that Joe was (and part of me think he still WILL) going to leave me, since I have this complex that makes me think that I'm not deserving of anyone. I've tried to revise that frame of mind thinking something like "Wow, how LUCKY I am to have someone." It makes me feel a little better, but upon checking his away message, he's obviously very mad at Great America-- and even though it was me who got free passes from my mom's friend at work, and Joe was the first person I thought of bringing with me, I still feel responsible and guilty for leaving him waiting all that time. To tell the truth, I didn't scream (in a happy way) on the ride-- I may have laughed, but that was because the guy next to me was screaming like a girl. ^^;;

Oh well. But today was fun. Mom and I went through the park, and had brunch at this Cafe Rain Tree. There were a bunch of little stores near by-- this five and dime with a whole bunch of cute bandannas, and this neat everything-store called Tutti Frutti that inspired my latest list of gimmes.

Thanks to my friend who stayed over -Ro, we'll call her- I now have an idea for what to do for Joe's birthday. I mean, he has practically everything he could want, since he's pretty well off, but everything he DOES want and doesn't have is nearly impossible to get here in the States. So I figured (with the help of Ro) that I could mix my creative talent for the things Joe likes (and lost/didn't get/wants)-- a Lego guy called ServBot, and Kirby, the puffy balloon creature. ^^ I'll try making some desk accessories like them for his birthday on Sept. 19, since they'd be cute and useful... so if that turns out okay, I'll be sure to be bubbling with excitement.

The only thing worrying me at this point is school, which starts August 26. I get my schedule on the 14th, when I meet Ro back at school (we were in summer school together) at 8:30a! My DMV appointment (FINALLY I'll get an ID!) is on August 17th, at 8:20a, and I can only hope my picture turns out ok. Then I can go see Rated R movies all by myself!

I got some new Japanese Yu-Gi-Oh cards at Great America, since the arcade was about the only successful part of the entire trip. I'm still working on my extra credit manga for Japanese class next semester, to bring up my D (ssh! I still haven't told my mom I have my report card!)-- it's called "I'm Listening," and the ideas I have for that would take up another entry in and of themselves. Drawing is so hard... but the screen tones, coloring, inking, and of course, JAPANESE will be even harder!

;_; My gimmes make me want to get money. But those are for another entry. Hopefully my friend remembered to ask HER bf if he could burn me a copy of Utada Hikaru's latest CD, "Deep River."

Well, I've been babbling stream-of-consciousness for a while now. If I left anything out, I'll addendum it to another entry.

Well, summer's here. I registered for summer school today... and the wait wasn't as bad as my friend made it out to be. Luckily, I have what I consider some nice teachers, and now, the motivation to pass-- since I don't want to have a lousy transcript, nor do I want to not graduate on stage. So doing well in school is a priority for me.

For the past couple of days, I was helping 'babysit' at the house of an uber-Christian family that is friends of my mom. The father used to be a teacher at the college where my sister was majoring in film, and when she passed away, my mother really turned to them for support. They move a lot, since the father, a pastor, only holds jobs and church houses for a few months to a year. But now they're moving cross country. So their little 5-year-old who is crushing on me, their 11-year-old who thinks he's a master debater, and their 14-year-old who I used to like (shudder). The 14-year-old, though, looks like a veritable twig, since he's about 6 feet tall! Anyway, babysitting was difficult, and my mom was always upset about them leaving. I never really related to them much, since they were so set in their religious beliefs-- and I wasn't.
In fact, the second out of the four days I was there helping, the middle son decided to question my moral and ethical beliefs while we folded laundry!

So suddenly religion is a big issue in my life-- and it's all because of one simple question. If, at the end of your life, you found yourself in a place like "Hell" because you didn't believe, and you could have one shot at changing your life, to become religious, would you?

What if you didn't remember the God/Goddesses you're supposed to worship, to avoid eternal damnation? Perplexing, isn't it? Most of this all stemmed from there being a difference between "true" and "right." People can believe in whatever they want-- to them, what they hold dear is "true." But to others, it's not "right."

What this family in particular believes, rather strongly, I might add, since their father is a pastor, s that those who do not believe in Jesus will go to hell. Since I was little, I was raised with mixed beliefs--since I always celebrated Passover, Hanukkah, and sometimes Purim and Rosh Hashannah with my father's side of the family. As far as I knew, they didn't believe in Jesus Christ, the son of God who would be reborn... They either believed he never existed at all, or he was a Jew to begin with. When the father read me a poem called "The Jew," it reminded me of them-- and why I wasn't a Jew *or* a Christian, since my mother wasn't Jewish, and despite my having "Jewish blood" in me, I couldn't -or is it wouldn't- celebrate it? I prefer Wicca, since I am intrigued by the idea of more than ONE sole higher power or entity, especially that of a Trinity of Balance-- something like how the God and Goddess operate, with three forms.

When I was younger, I was very much into Grecian and Roman mythology, since there were so many gods of so many things. Even in Wicca, similar gods and goddesses are called upon to aid in specific matters.

In a day and age when science is always battling religion, I do believe in Evolution-- but also in something higher, something to believe in after death. I suppose it's the only thing that keeps a lot of people sane, in which case I won't be one to argue against it. I prefer to stay in the shadows of this religious-scientific battle, rather than take up a shield and sword and fight for either side.

In other news, I got my report card some days ago. Suffice it to say, I was disappointed in myself, but I knew I got what I deserved. For the record-- I failed English, of course, since I stopped going to that class even before second semester started (I think O.o), and now I'm making it up in summer school. I got a C in Chem, which is pleasing, since it means I did well on my final. I got a D in Math and Japanese (I didn't turn in my final project for Japanese, but I can make that up by doing an extra credit weekly manga this summer. Now all I have to do is think of a topic), and an F in History.

I don't plan on being held back this year, so if I have to go to Night school or City college to make up these courses, I will. I want to graduate on stage, go to SF State in Fall 2003, and get a degree in Journalism. That goal is solidified in my mind, and I just have to work up the courage and motivation to jump over the hurdles life will keep throwing at me. I want to keep trying, and be motivated and successful, like my friends. I don't plan on being one of the people in a forgotten Pop Poll about "Least likely to succeed."

Anger can be a very positive thing. So can stress. But sometimes, you can't just stop those little gremlins in your head that whisper about THROTTLING that certain annoying mother's boyfriend... hehe...

Anyway, I went to my friend's play on Saturday night. He was very good, though he didn't show up till the end of the first act. But he did have the lead male role, so he made up for it all in the second act. I did feel guilty that I didn't get him any kind of congratulatory present (it was the closing night) or a belated present (been broke) but he was sooo good, I forgot about it.

Anyway, as stated by the title of this entry, I mention the evil know-it-all boyfriend from hell. I asked my mom to come with me to this play, because my friend likes my mother a lot, and they have a lot in common, media-appreciation wise. And I wanted to do something, even something as silly as seeing a school play, with JUST my mom for once, right before my birthday. What does she go and do? You guessed it-- she invites the boyfriend! To top it off, she explains that if I'm going to be at a convention all the weekend of the 26th to the 28th, she'll need company-- on the last day of the convention, when there's practically nothing to do, and I wanted her to come to Great America with me, as a belated B-day celebration, but she AGAIN invited the boyfriend-- and his daughter, whom I can loudly say I DO NOT LIKE VERY MUCH!

Anyway, at this play, all he did was criticize the cast members-- except my friend, which I was thankful for, otherwise I would have just changed seats entirely. And even though I'd wanted to try out for the lead, I heard from some girl in my history class that the [white] teacher was looking for people of a minority to play the lead... which made no sense to me considering whites ARE a minority in my school! Regardless, the part went to an acting vet (who probably made 88% of her parts because she's a tall blonde with a figure) who's been in drama since she started. She's got acting talent, but singing is out of her league. Still, I know she's good, because I've auditioned with her before. Still, all mom's evil BF could do was complain about how she was never on key, missed seven notes... there was a scene when some people applauded after a particular singing act of hers, but I figured they didn't all clap because they were SMART enough to know the scene wasn't over right after she sang. There were some technical difficulties anyway that made it harder for her to sing loudly and project, and even when she did, sometimes the orchestra overpowered her.

His daughter is an opera singer at a prestigious, opt-in school, and is probably going to be attending some expensive, conservatory of music and theater or what not. -_- She's nice and all, but spoiled rotten. Anyway, so I figured he was comparing my school's lack of talent to his precious daughter's school, and that made me mad, even if he was right on some level. But he was insulting the school-- which he graduated from! I know my school doesn't have the best resources, students, or teachers, but we try, and people DID enjoy the performance.

I ended up taking out all my stress on DOOM II, firing rockets like crazy. Maybe after today's stress with school I'll do the same in DOOM II's secret levels, where I can blast some Nazis to high heaven... hehehe... ^^

My friends still in the "badlands" of ROTC went to their spring encampment in Camp Parks this spring break. It's in Dublin, CA, which is even more notorious for rain and fog than San Francisco. Makes you wonder what the military was thinking when they put a base there, ne?
Anyway, so I'm all miserable before hand, thinking... man, all my friends are going to be gone for four days... I'm all alone...

On Friday (the day that started Spring Break and the day after they left for Dublin) I was dying my hair the first time around, and I was phenomenally late to the anime Screening. But when I got there, it was pouring rain, so I walked out with the guys (including his truly, the baka I seem to still like on some proto-cellular level) and went to Mickey D's... even though I'd been there myself earlier, and lost my appetite somehow and didn't even finish one of my two burgers or my super-bland fries (what have they done to my McD's fries!?). So I got a ride home, and the sense of humor was hovering above PATHETIC, so... yeah. But at least aforementioned guy seemed to like my dye-job, which was in two cute pigtails, courtesy of my soph friend who did the job in the first place... even though my roots were lighter than the rest of my hair >_<

But the friend from another high school that had thus showed up (even when I was mad at him) to the screenings was at camp, and when he finally IMs me a week later, it turns out he stood IN THE RAIN for an hour and a half and he got me a gift... ;_; Now he's got the flu. What's more, I was regretting not going (can you hear it coming? Here it is...) BUT a goose flew into the power generator, turned into roast goose, and blew the power to the entire base, so everyone spent all night taking attendance, rather than partying for the brigade dance! (Insert Nelson (r) Simpson laugh) Hah-hah! I felt kinda bad for my friend who was quarantined through this, and I'm still tripping about this gift he was so careful not to break... Aaah, I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to Friday or what.

Whoo! Only three more days till Friday! Of course, that's both a good, AND a bad thing. I mean, on Friday, I have an exam, and a project due in Japanese that is worth a lot. I'm having a hard time researching it, being unable to print anything color from school, and since my home computer is fried (nooooo) I can't check my mail, let alone print pictures.

Thus screwing me over. HOWEVER, if I play my cards right, I might be able to do the project as a Powerpoint that I can email to my teacher. The hard part is programming all the wording into Japanese using an IME editor. >_<

I already paid for a $6 scrapbook, but at this rate, it's not looking too much in my favor to do the scrapbook project, especially when I can't find any pictures that are color (and big enough).

However, I'm trying to get myself in that "rut" where I'm motivated and happy about something, and if it can't be Spring break, than what better than my 17th bday, and even better, FANIME! Woohoo!

Yeah, so I'm sticking to my creed: Life sucks now, but it has to get better eventually. Hehe...

Strangely enough, I'm starting to get back into the gaming world-- and not just DOOM, but FFX and several other engaging games. Mensa! Whoo!

^-^ Yeah, if you didn't notice, I took a test that says what FFX character I am. I'm proud to be Lulu! She's gorgeous! ^-^ My friends have gotten both Wakka and Tidus... even though the Tidus one is a girl! O.o;;
FFX is actually the inspiration for a new SM fanfiction I have, Final Gate, but it's waaay hard to do any typing not school-related (that is, not at school) anywhere else...

I also noticed that all my songs and stories are really long (I once had a two-page spread in the paper about a fashion show) and since I have to make a short story for this literary contest, I have to limit my expression! Gaaah! >_<

Cinnamon raisins are the greatest thing this world has ever seen in terms of real "fast food." McDonalds either salts their fries too much or not enough. A cheeseburger isn't a cheeseburger unless it his ketchup and onions. Whenever you have successfully accomplished something and sit down to watch TV, repeats will be on. 99% of the time, you won't need to know Calculus or Geometry in a realistic job. Practically everyone ends up majoring in Business somehow. The meek WILL rule the world. Murphy's first law of computing: whatever happens, pretend like you meant for it to happen.

Darwinism is the philosophy that the strongest survive-- the survival of the fittest, really. And in high school, it's a dog-eat-dog world. Or maybe I should say eagle-eat-eagle?

Anyway, so today during registry (homeroom) I'm reading the bulletin as per usual (just so the dipwads in there can't complain to me if they didn't receive such and such form or hear some message). I note this part about a girl named "Luyin Zhu" who received a $1500 scholarship. There's a quiet girl in my class by the name of "Li Hua Zhu" and, well... ^///^ I got them mixed up. Major embarrassment. When Sara, a friend of Li Hua's started shaking her head at me, I should have shut up. I know Luyin-- she was in ROTC with me. So I'll be cursing myself until I die: baka baka baka baka baka!

My friend brought a puppy stuffed animal to school today, and lent it to a mutual friend of ours who's in my math class. This mutual friend was really out of it these past few days, and I couldn't get her to give a peep of info on what was wrong. Knowing that life can sometimes just *sucks* I didn't persist-- but it was getting annoying how I had to start solving all these equations on my own... and we had less than 15 minutes to find a reasonable solution and post it! She finally 'fessed up and said there were some issues at home-- nothing really clear, but I got it. But meanwhile, while she was stared off into space, I dognapped the puppy and squealed "Puppy!" at the nearest group. They stared at me for a minute and a half, and then I hid my face behind the pup and laughed. -_-;;

The guy that I used to like and now am starting to detest because of his immaturity (go back two entries and see what I mean) sent me an email via the mailing list we're both on-- the one for the anime club at the local state university (that he's the new prez of). He sounded so damn intelligent in there, I wanted to wring his neck!! So I'm going tonight to this first meeting in months, and I know he'll be there. I have other friends there, its true, but I was so mad at him this weekend, and he was being such a f**king jerk that I really don't know how I'll react. I know so far I've been a bit bubble-headed in that I'm out to look good (I've donned the black leather motif again, with the theme: Dark Fire) and knock the socks off this @$$. A white silk dress shirt with french cuffs, mega-maroon lipstick, brilliant eyes, leather pants and jacket, silver bracelet and blue crystal earrings... and my nice rose-patterned, see-through shirt under that, with a sky blue tank underneath. Too far? /.\ Stupid boys. The damn DDR song "So Many Men" has been stuck in my head for a while now...

And if that wasn't the worst of the worst, lately I've been so tired when I get home that I fall asleep and don't wake up until some ungodly hour of the morning when it's too late to do my homework! What's more, my stupid computer keeps on starting up showing my old desktop, trying to start up programs (different each time I boot up) that don't exist (I checked) and changing all my *.txt and *.doc files into gibberish! AAAUGH! -_- I love computers, but they suck too... ;_;

Suddenly I feel as if I've gone waaaaay off topic... kekke...

There's someone I know whom I simply can't stand. I wish he'd bury his head in the sand-- or move to the moon or deep outer space. Whenever I see him I make a weird face. But today during recess, outside in the yard, he suddenly gave me a Valentine's card. I wish that he hadn't, it made me upset; it's the prettiest card I could possibly get. -From some random poem in my room. -_-

I wish. *sigh* People can be so annoying (as demonstrated above) but so perplexing (again, see above.) Some people are just plain annoying.

1) This girl in my history class (and English) does whatever she can, whenever she can, to annoy me. When mt teacher lost a pen I had, I asked him to try and find it, and she was all like "Huh, it's your fault for leaving it in here in the first place and nyahahaha..." *cough* GRRRRRRRRRRRR!! Was it any of her business in the first place?

2) Players-- and I don't mean people who can't stay committed. I have a few so-called friends who totally bluffed me on the Internet into thinking something that wasn't true-- yes, I'm the gullible one (despite the fact that my motto is "trust no one, they'll stab you in the back.") and I took it, hook, line, and sinker. What's more, the friend who was supposed to be IMing me said it was another friend (who I don't talk to that much anymore-- she's mostly interested in boys or something else...) and... argh! I was so mad. Pranks are so preschool.

3) BF-minded-- those people (okay, girls) who think that their boyfriend is god, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes, I'm somewhat jealous; YES, I've said I'll die a spinster (or a stripper O.o); and YES I have a tendency to MAKE "mankind" (boykind?) hate me. -_- But I'm just waiting for someone who can match me wit for wit. I'm the type that craves challenges, but doesn't want to put forth an arm and an eyeball to achieve them. Plus, there's some that are so protective or whatnot, and when they fight with their BF, it's like the end of the world. Excuse my cynicism, but -- THEY'RE JUST BOYS, GET OVER IT! >_<

With that said, I am retiring to kill some aliens in Doom95. ^^

1. I WILL clean my room before my birthday (4.14)

2. I WILL get a 2.5+ GPA before February 15th, if it is possible, regardless of the idiocy and lack of ability in my teachers.

3. I WILL pay off my debt to Columbia House, because I want to have a mostly-spotless credit record for college.

4. I WILL make up my mind about where I want to go to college-- and make that decision for the right reasons. I won't go to a college to follow a guy, or get away from my mom, or be with my friends. I will be selfish for once, and for good reasons.

5. I WILL go to Fanime and Cosplay (dress up) as Kagome Higurashi from Inuyasha. I'll do whatever it takes to make a costume, because some pointless and difficult tasks aren't once you master them.

6. I WILL get a boyfriend before I graduate, and remain the one wearing the pants. No guy is going to boss me about or make me his "love slave."

7. I WILL go out and do more with my mom-- because I never want to lose her to pettiness, the way "I lost my dad" to stupidity.

8. I WILL get my Sailormoon artbooks back, moth-eaten or not, from my dad, because he has no right to keep my stuff hostage.

9. I WILL succeed in Senior Journalism, because I know it's what I love, what I like, and what I can do. I will turn in articles, get along with people in the class, not nag the teacher, and get everything done.

10. I WILL get along with my classmates, because come the class of 2003 reunion, I'll be the one surrounded by friends, while the idiots that have made my life hell will be alone, crying, and covered in super-sticky-punch.

11. I WILL eat healthier and exercise more, because even if I am as white as Casper, sunburn too easily, am as freckled as a Dalmatian, and wear glasses, being able to run a mile is something every teenager should be able to do.

That's all for now... but I WILL think of more. ^.~

I wasn't going to write anything today-- at least, not after my day got better. If you've ever read any of my previous entries, you might have noticed that I usually only write when I get depressed or seriously angry and NEED to vent. Then again, I write a lot, so what does that tell you? ^.~

Suffice it to say, my day started out just short of okay. I cleaned chalkboards for a teacher who I detest. My grades haven't improved much since the second quarter of first semester, when I had a 2.29 GPA, due to a smattering of Ds on my report card. I was disappointed. Even for the self-named "slacker" and manic-depressive stick girl, 3 Ds is not something to be happy about. I make it a point to at least GO to school, TRY to understand things, and PARTICIPATE in class. There are plenty of people who think I'm a goody-goody just for that; others say I could be worse. Both are right, on some level, I suppose.

My day got much better when I went to my 6th period-- it turned out I had the highest grade in my class for the final exam in Japanese-- a 97! I was ecstatic. 1st had been a bust, with a D (which my teacher said she *might* bump up to a C-- if she felt like it), 2nd there was barely anyone there, and my substitute (which we've had for three weeks now, since my real teacher had a baby and then got deported O.o;) says she doesn't know the grades, but she did explain the stuff I didn't know, 3rd got me a D on the final I seriously tried on, and 4th got me a D with a glimmer of hope for being bumped up to a C. Lunch, which normally cheers me up, only furthered to depress me, as I spent it in the Journalism lab. I always feel lately in there that I'm the only one who tries, and when I cut anyone some slack, I'm the slave-driver. I just don't understand people these days.

I go home, clean my room for a few hours, and decide to make dinner. But there's no Miracle Whip (good stuff!) for my artichoke (yummm!) so I ask mom if I can go to the market. Now, I normally hate going out late for several reasons: 1) I have to cross a major thoroughfare where people drive like students tag-- every which way-- and 2) it's late, dark, and cold-- need I say more? Lately I've been pretty okay with it, knowing enough to keep myself standing. But I get to the supermarket some eight blocks away, and in the condiments aisle, I discover my wallet is missing! @!#$%^$^%$#%# !!! Angry at first, terrified the next, and crying the rest of my way, I backtracked home-- with no luck. Go home, tell mom because I have a god damned conscience (and by the way, despite my fervent tearfilled prayers, "He" didn't help me one bit-- so I might convert to the point where there are no male schmoes up in the clouds getting my attention), repeat. Still no luck.

Eat artichoke with acidy-butter-lemon sauce, feel depressed. Watch Jeopardy, where all the answers are prattled off like shotgun bullets. Here's the kicker-- the contestants of tonight were a security manager who looked like a Marine, an old guy with a horrible receding hairline and a cross between a Santa/Punch 'Em Out guy, and a shy schoolteacher. The schoolteacher, who was the only woman, barely answered more than twice each round. The security manager was the returning champion, smart and confident, but he ended up getting in a battle of the brains with Mr. Receding Hair once the latter got over his embarrassment from several wrong answers. Then comes the final round, and the question is about the elements: this element, a metal, the first known to be *discovered* in 1669, set England aglow with excitement. Marine-dude answers Calcium (I think)... whatever he did answer, it was wrong. Next-in-line, the recede-y dude, answers Neon-- sorry, not a metal, it's a noble gas (even *I* know that). The schoolteacher answers Sodium (she looked unsure...). They were all wrong, it turned out, but both of the guys, who were so full of themselves with all their answers and three times the money (and then some) of the poor young lady, bet all they had, reducing themselves to under $1000 apiece. The $3400 the teacher had saved up over the rounds was the lead! I had wanted her to win, just because... it felt like I was rooting for the underdog, but it was the *good* underdog. And she won! And for some reason, I'm just a little bit happier. Maybe I won't get my wallet back, and I'll have to deal with the hassle of buying a new one, replacing my ATM card, and bugging my friend for a new senior portrait, but at least I have this one day of short-lived hope. It's a nice feeling, really.

Today, I went to talk to my counselor about my classes. You see, this past quarter-- the 2nd of 3 in the Fall Semester-- I have a 2.29 GPA. That has to be the worst I have ever gotten-- in memory. She said I have "The April Look" and it's only December. With AP tests to prep for, and tons of things to do throughout the spring semester, I had to get un-stressed now, so I could come back to school as a better person, striving to get into that good university, with the best Journalism program.

My reputation plainly states that I am an over-achieving, teacher's pet, suck-up goody two-shoes. My middle school rivals would have said I was a bitchy, bratty, outspoken drama queen. My friends would say I am a depressing, shadow-like slinky-- bouncy sometimes, dead on the stairs the next. Funny analogies, ne?
So the workload has been overbearing, and I have 2 Ds, 3 Bs, and 2 Cs. The Ds, ironically enough, are what I have always thought to be my best subjects-- History and English. But lately, if you have been reading up my past entries, I haven't been very motivated-- and this is of my own accord and doing, not due to family problems. I'm halfway there-- I'm semi-motivated, but always tired, stressed, and upset.

I told my counselor that I was thinking about dropping out, and that somedays I just didn't want to get out of bed. That was the truth, and sometimes still is.

I usually end up hating the holidays, and the workload that always comes with the annual winter break will only make me want to drop out more. Of all the classes I have though, ROTC is the most "expendable". The first three weeks of school when I didn't have RO, I was bored-- but not stressed. I did my homework, I went home, and I was generally happy. ROTC didn't make a huge impact on me after I re-joined, but slowly, the workload that came with the responsibility I thought I wanted pushed down on me. I stayed in the stuffy basement until 6:30, when I told myself -and my mom- that I would be home at 4. I get yelled at because of stupid Christmas lights, and "reminded" about getting the numbers for events we have participated in before 10:00. Sorry I'm attempting to have a life outside of RO... but if the class is going to bring me down, then I guess I can learn to live without it again. I hated it so much at the end of the year... I think I can learn to do it again. I love webpage designing, but maybe I'll leave the RO page up to someone else more dedicated and less stressed-- with no social life or normal future. ^^; Maybe that's just me, and the people in RO I know at my school... I'll I've got to say is "whatever" and I can't wait until those 3 fateful weeks until break is up.
Hallelujah.

I seem to have this thing where I swing from being happy to being mega-depressed. Sometimes my friends help keep me in a good mood, sometimes not.

I went to this anime screening at State on Friday night. I love going there, but sometimes it pisses me off that my younger friend that I used to go with blows me off. I mean, it's a few hours on Friday night-- and the way I figure it, if she wanted so badly to go to another high school or go to a game center, she could do it when she cuts school, or on a weekend. Not like I'm encouraging that or whatever... I guess it's cool to make friends with the college guys. One of them is really nice... but as I said, he's a college guy. Why do I always like the tall ones?

I'm finally getting a head-start on some of my webpages--the one for my school's anime club, Les Soldats, and another for my fav TV shows/movies and their fanfictions. But that seems to be distracting me from school, as usual.

Oh yes-- one of my best friends-- the total tomboy, anti-guy one whose mom has a terminal illness-- she has a *boyfriend*. He's a college student at Berkeley, and they met because she's supposed to be his tutor-- as an excuse to me, my friend says... "if it can happen to me, it can happen to you too." Oh, I can't wait.

I already ranted enough about my lack of money, my desire to drop out... yadda yadda. So today I try to convince myself that motivation comes from wanting to one-up all those assholes that have made my life miserable at a high school reunion. But in order to be better than them, I have to graduate-- and graduate with honors, so I can go to some great school, meet some great guy, and live the fairy tale. My short-lived and fading motivation is simple, quite like Thomas the Train-- "I can." I will. I hope I can-- and I hope I will.

Last year in my psychopathic math class, one of my "friends" (who annoyed me sometimes, but was equivalent to a Jigglypuff in terms of attitude) told me about a "field trip" known as the Sojurn to the Past. It wasn't until today that I really got interested in the trip. It's a 10 day trip, with only four schools going. My school is the only one from San Francisco able to go--the others are from Sunnyvale, Oakland, and Fremont. I really want to take the opportunity, but I feel out of place already.

First off, I'll say that it sounds like an incredible opportunity, and I believe the speaker and my friends when they say it will change your life.

You spend 10 days in the Deep South (of the United States) learning about the Civil Rights Movement. Why would I feel out of place? I mean, everyone wants to learn, right?

One thing I feel I should mention is that I am not proud at all of my heritage. I'm what I refer to as a Euro-Mutt, a mix of Western European cultures. I'm both German and Israeli, French and Welsh, Dutch and Danish. I used to consider myself Jewish, but when I was told I had to go to a Hebrew school, get a bat mitzvah, and quit my high school-- not to mention the fact that my mother was not Jewish, I strayed from that path. I celebrate Christmas, but on the same level as Bart Simpson-- for family get-togethers and plenty of gifts. Food is always a great bonus, too. But basically, the history of all my cultures is a war-ravaged, racist, prejudiced one.

Believe it or not, a white guy-- and I state here, I'm stark white too-- called me a "whitey". I don't get that. People complain that others act "ghetto." I'm big on individuality. I say that when you act like someone else, the person you really are is shoved aside. It's NOT you, which makes you deceitful. Why would you want to do that? You don't really gain anything in the long run.

So I'd feel out of place on this because, while I do consider myself outspoken and all for the rights of the individual, I know that there's just so much that one person can't do alone. Trying to get others to help you and believe in what you say isn't easy, especially when so many are intent on falling back on religion, or history.

But that's what this trip is all about. I don't want to be outcast. Ironic, don't you think?
It's expensive, but I want to go. I think I know why, but I'm not sure. I love to travel, but are my reasons sound? I really don't know. I seem to be confused quite a lot these days.

Like everyone else, I'm not exactly bouncing off the walls and in a state of permanent GLEE about Back to School. I'm sure someone out there is.

Not me, though. But you wouldn't have known that, judging from my excited "yes!"es as I left my counselor's
office yesterday morning.

Why? Let's look at my class schedule, shall we?
1st period (7:30 AM) Ah, I couldn't care less about waking up that early. Hell, my mom wakes up at 5:30, even on days she doesn't work. She also leaves the house by 7AM, even though she doesn't start work till 9. It only takes her an hour to get to work by public transport. What a stickler for "overtime".

Ahem, anyway, the class is American Lit Honors. With my best bud, another girlfriend, and a trite annoying boy who couldn't stop groaning at the prospect of ME being in his class. Oh joy. Better than my last English teacher, at any rate. Ooh boy, could I have complained about HER!

2nd period is Chem. I feel really stupid when it comes to Science, because everyone else in my grade seems to already be in Physics. I'm thinking, "Why me?" I did great on my Science STAR 9 tests, had great science teachers in middle school (well, sorta... not the 6th grade one) and even won Honorable Mention at the citywide competition. I might end up in the same class as the "ones who need discipline" and shouldn't technically be in 11th grade- they should still be in 9th! I guess the admins want to just get rid of 'em faster. Geh. I could survive if one of my old friends from Bio last year is in it. She's cool.

3rd period is Math with (YAY!!) a new teacher. As all my friends know, my last math teacher was... well, a few lightbulbs short of a chandelier. Proud to be a Quaker, former teacher at San Quentin (the PRISON, not the school) and a graduate of Cornell. Also a starter of unoffcial-cut-days-to-go-to-rallies-far-away. Anywho, I didn't learn much, as one can tell from my shockingly low STAR 9 score, but who needs Advanced Trig in Journalism anyway? I wanna write!

4th period is AP US History, which is a college course. If anything, I'm freaked about the class, because NOW, in the last week, I'm doing the summer assignment. 100 pages of reading has never seemed so monstrous to me before. At least I'm in the class with my best bud (yet again) and have studied... a little bit.

5th period! Favorite class thus far! Had it for three years now (counting this one I'm just starting) same time, same place. It's JOURNALISM, so of course I love it. I'm the editor in chief, so this time, things will be DECENT for a change! Already checked the class, and we have 6 lovely PCs. That's the only class I can hardly wait for. ^^

6th period, last class of the day! YAY! I Haven't had only 6 classes since... two years ago! It's because, even though I made it into Advanced Vocal, the group I signed up for and got into is taught only during 5th, and well... I won't drop JLS for anything. Maybe I'll join the show choir afterschool or something, depending on the demand of the AP and Honors classes I have. Anywho, 6th is Japanese. ^^ Hope I can actually handle the workload... not to mention the people. Last year was a bit... WEIRD.

7th is empty, and I plan on using it for study hall in the library or something. Wait for my 7th period friends. That'll be a first. Hopefully (I say this now, I am not sure) I won't get ROTC, but then again, I think I could take the work if I did. 7 classes is no cup of tea, and a free period sounds so much better... but still, I kinda want a staff position. That's really the only perk, because it's still a class, with tests, drilling, waiting, uniforms... gekk. Then again, it knocks off one more year of elective. Not that I need it, Journalism is taking care of that. So... the cons really outweigh the pros in that one.
Besides, like I said before, it's study time for AP or Honors classes, work in Journalism, or time to sign up for afterschool clubs, like show choir.

Oh joy. I'm biting my nails and getting ready for Friday, the night of doom, when I won't be able to sleep, dreading the coming Monday...

No, this isn't a rhetorical question, like what is the sound of one hand clapping, or what is the one question you can't say yes to?

Rather, an unfinished series I wrote, based on the events of my freshmen year in high school. I organized events by putting them in a diary, and from the diary, I write the stories. If I post the entries here, would anyone be objecting to the story part? They're all real... the entries would be in prose form, and I'd love to hear some feedback on them so I could avoid the same mistakes twice.

Since I don't want this entry to be horrendously short, here's a preview of what the first "Impossible" entry would be if I posted it here...

( Impossible, Part 1 )

Present Tense Note: I stopped writing "Impossible" because, for one, it was very difficult to write every event that happened, and two, it was becoming very disheartening to stick to the "truth" of the story. I tried adapting it into a Sailor Moon AU, to try and distance it somewhat from my life, but that failed. I don't think writing fanfics that are so similar to real life events is healthy. It doesn't allow for healing or a proper perspective. While the chapters of "Impossible" that I did write serve as a sort of reminder of ME back then-- my feelings, my attitude, and my writing style-- I don't think they deserve a place as fanfiction anywhere on the web.

It's a widely known misconception that to go to "boot camp" is to sign your soul away to a bunch of tall, crew cut guys with a mouth that would make your mama shame-faced. I just came back from "boot camp".
What, you say? You got sent to boot camp? Uhm, no, more like I volunteered. As anyone who's read my diary before, they know I'm in JROTC, also known as HSROTC. For the uninformed, the former stands for Junior Reserve Officer's Training Corps (or High School JROTC for the latter).

In any case, I hadn't gone last year, and all my friends came back ranting and raving that they had had so much fun. Mostly they went to dances, which I am so against, but I figured I'd have fun being my bitchy self at a place where power-tripping is the dress code standard. ^^;

So, I went this year. Unfortunately, there were some "cons" to going to this "boot camp". I'll start off my saying it wasn't really a boot camp, but that's what people think of it as. It's pretty similar, but I've heard stories from older classmates of mine who are really in the Reserves, so... this place is heaven in comparison.

Hehe.. in any case, you start the day by waking up at 4:30 AM. That's right, when it's still DARK. Mind you, this place is in Dublin, California. Unlike last year, when it was in some place near Anaheim. So the climates are very different, though I can easily say it rained in both places both years.

Dark, cold, wet. *shudder* I don't want to sound like a wimp, but I have asthma and am about as skinny as a pencil or thinner, so physical fitness isn't really up my alley. I can barely walk up three flights of stairs without heaving. I happen to have a high metabolism-- for me, that means eating in strange spurts, sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. I can burn the energy pretty fast, but I need to sleep ASAP or I faint. Exercising is only fun for me if I can pace myself. And that doesn't mean keeping PACE with everyone else. So trying to run with 70 people in the middle of the night when it's about 40 degrees outside is not my cup of tea. I figured that as a trainer, or someone who helped the cadets from the other schools learn about the place, I wouldn't have to do PT (physical training). BZZ! Wrong. It seems this year's brigade (citywide) staff was so disorganized, that the battalion (school) has power over everyone. This would be the one time I'd have a problem with that, because the teachers at my school for ROTC are, without a doubt, and with proof, sexist and uncaring towards medical problems. They don't care when people get hurt, have excuse notes from doctors or parents, or are about to pass out. I managed to get excused from PT every morning, but just barely, and not without escaping a yelling.

And that's just the beginning. After a half hour of PT, everyone returns to their barracks. I should state here that the male and female barracks are separated (duh) but, again, thanks to the wonderful lack of planning on the brigade staff's part, we weren't in the larger barracks. So many girls has to sleep on mattresses (and box springs... oww...) in a cold, dark room. The bathrooms are shared by the girls (all of them) and the brigade staff.

Now, normally, older teens can take care of themselves just fine, but these ones figured since there were 40+ girls in the lower barracks with them (the barracks are two stories) that they could get away with anything and everything. And that they did. They blamed us when a door in the bathroom showers broke, despite the fact that we are only allowed to use the bathrooms in the early morning and late afternoon. The door had been broken when no one was in the barracks. At least... not one of the girls!

Oh yes, and how fun it is to be sharing barracks with overblown egotistical guys, who reserve the bathrooms for themselves, even when girls have to use the toilet. The bathrooms, mind you, are separated: toilets, sinks, then showers. So anyone using the toilets wouldn't see anyone taking a shower.

And what's the big deal, anyway?! We've all taken Health Ed, and judging by their egos they wouldn't be very shy if someone DID walk in on them...!

I could keep on ranting... but the worst is yet to come. Now, brigade staff is made up of guys and girls from each of the six schools in the SFUSD. Mission, Lincoln, Wash, Bal, Gal, and Lowell. Our one representative was known as "Bubble Butt" to those who have a sense of humor. He wasn't mean or anything, but that year, I discovered that people in brigade forget that they have friends, significant others, integrity, or loyalty. They are a class and group in and of themselves. This "Bubble Butt" as he was, did not stay with the other boys from my school, but with Brigade. When his girlfriend got in trouble -for not being allowed to supervise over a cadet that had gotten injured- with another brigade member, who was,in fact, the brigade equivalent of her OWN position... he didn't stand up for her in the slightest. Despite the fact that JROTC and the brigade staff is supposed to be like the real army, and similar to the government itself, they follow one rule there: Guilty until proven Innocent. And we don't want to hear you defend yourself. They don't give anyone a chance to speak up in their own defense, yet blame them for everything. Oh yes, and they are TOTAL hypocrites. They say the girls at my school can't wear tank tops or short skirts, but they do it themselves. And they seem to hate our school, by singling us out for everything, including making us second to last for food. How horrible is it when you have to exercise at 4:30 in the morning, come back at 5:00, have a half hour to prepare, and then stand in line for an hour before you get your breakfast? And what's more, you're in line by rank, so the school with the most freshmen always gets to eat before us... and the same applies to our school, with a load of first year cadets. *sigh* At least I got to eat a bit longer. It wasn't the other people who had problems, it was really brigade.

This concludes my list of why I don't want to stay in RO, even if I *do* get a staff position. It isn't worth the stress... right?

I'm sure I could come up with a million reasons why school sucks. I know some people don't like it just because of work. But I'm cool with homework and projects. In fact, I like most of my classes. I'm not in honors for nothing. I have a great record when it comes to statewide or standardized tests, and even better with creative projects and visual and performing arts. I blame it on my astrology sign: Aries. ^_^
In any case, I have a very brief list of why I hate school, and wish that, if I could, I would take it online. (And yes folks, that IS possible.)

#1: Dirty. Maybe it's just my school, because it's in the city, but who wants to go to a school where there's always the smell of urine, turpentine, paint, bug spray, and rotten food? Our school is also home to several cats, one of which was believed dead last week. I don't know if there's any truth to it, but still, who wants to smell a dead anything?

#2: The People.. So sue me. No one can get along with everyone, but the people at my school seem to go OUT of their way to make others miserable. Suffice it to say, I don't want to be in the same BUILDING as them for another two years.

#3: The Teachers. Note I didn't put Teachers under People. That's because Teachers are really a category of their own. Quite unique people, teachers. Very easy at brainwashing, yet they are the picture of zombies that bend themselves. Our school, as well as the district it is within, has some ridiculous rules about everything... from food, off-campus privileges to how you get to school. Many of the teachers are old, grumpy people, living back in the 1880s, and others are unable to handle the pressure of being high school teachers. Out of all 7 of my classes, I like 4 classes, and maybe out of the 4, really respect 2 teachers. Respect, as far as I am concerned, is earned. So many teachers at my school yell, call students horrid names, or bash their heads against lockers. Okay, that's just one of my teachers, and he's a certifiable loony. I'm thinking about reporting him, but what good will it do me?

On this, I have this one teacher who looks and acts like a wrinkled old prune. I really really really hate her. I knew from the beginning that her class was difficult, but the woman has to diverge from what the rest of the school is doing. She yells at people for not having good topic sentences, and when you show essays done in her class and given 'C+' to AP teachers, they think the essay deserved at *least* a B+. I think it's ridiculous, because there's no curriculum to any of it. I mean, some people go to school to deal, others to see their friends, get away from home, 'have fun', whatever. I go to learn, most of the time, and this teacher nixes that. She takes away my stuff (a notebook) that I write in, but doesn't yell at the students that fall asleep, never do work, or don't have the required materials. ARGH!!

#4: ROTC. For those of you who don't know what it is, it means Reserve Officer's Training Corps. *Shudder.* I'd direct you to the website, but it's a poor excuse for anything on the web, and lord knows I don't want any more poor souls getting dragged in. I have nothing against the military, just the particular HSROTC/JROTC program at my school. The teachers, really. But again, these teachers are in a category of their own. See, in ROTC, it counts as gym credit. That's why so many people got dragged/sucked/voluntarily (brainwashed) went in. Myself included. It's supposed to teach you U.S. History, patriotism, and of course, fulfill the gym requirement by doing a whole lot of excess 'exercising' in spring.

What it ends up doing is undermining your self-esteem, demanding too many things from you, expecting you to act a certain way, and then repeating the process when you don't. You HAVE to learn CPR, Map Reading, U.S. History, and of course, military drill. It's worse for the advanced students, who have to 'motivate' students, and get bitched at (REALLY!) if they don't. Don't let me forget the uniforms, either. My school is the only school in the district that makes us wear it once a week. Other schools wear it as little as once a month, or even once a semester! (Two times on ONE school year!) We have harsh grading policies on everything, and even a merit-demerit system for the slightest things.

You DON'T want to get the glare from either of our sexist teachers. Yes, sexist. There isn't a single school in the district that teaches the program who is female. Thusly, girls ALWAYS have to wear skirts, and can't have slacks even though they have plenty. In addition, they get harsh explanations of why girls can't join Flag Team (formerly Boys Drill Team, but last year, there were girls quote-unquote on the team). But we could join the Girl's Drill Team if we wanted to (even though it's OFFICIALLY the Exhibition Drill Team), except that it's very taxing, and both the commanders are downright selfish.

I think I've ranted and raved long enough, don't you? I'd definitely like some feedback people, especially from anyone in this universe who might be in ROTC. Well, I'm off to read more here and at Fanfiction.net. Like anime? Check out my stories there under the name Azurite. Okay, peeps, I'm out! ^_^

Present Tense Note: Obviously, my opinions of ROTC changed over time, especially once I was out of the program. I doubt any entries I posted on FreeOpenDiary (where I''m pulling all these 2001 entries from) date forward enough to address the choice I had to make between ROTC and Journalism, and why the choice was actually tough. In retrospect, I really wish I *had* stuck with the program. But there are a lot of other things I've been through that have brought me to where I am, and I doubt the mindset I have now, accepting of the program and what it REALLY did for me and my development, could have been possible back then. The program most definitely had its weaknesses -and still does- but as it's being phased out, I see it as a moot point to further argue in its defense.

How would you feel if someone said about you: "I wish I had never met her"? Great, huh? Well, a guy I once liked, who I thought was a sort of friend, said that about me recently. He had been talking to one of my other friends, because he apparently refused to talk to me.

I had no idea why he was so mad at me; normally, we crack jokes about each other and then it's all said and done: I'm like his annoying little sister. A few times, we've not spoken to each other for what I think are the absolute dumbest reasons: he says I don't socialize enough, I don't get along well with HIS friends, and so forth. Any way you slice it, he finds something wrong with me most of the time.

So I would say in response, "Fine then, I don't need a 'friend' like that. Screw him." But I can't just up and forget people. I remember embarrassing events, old flames, evil enemies, and dear friends. So when it's been barely two years, and someone says he wishes he had never met me, it's a little hard to just forget. Or forgive and forget. I hate to be hated, the same way some people obsess about paying back debts.

I can stand having enemies who might say they hate me, but they might deserve it. I don't feel this way about this guy: I used to like him a lot (and my friend that spoke to him said that he had also liked me, but doesn't now... I feel horrible) and now he's sort of like a weird older brother. He'll be going to college soon, and I'd hate to have loose ends that would make him look back and hate me, or ignore me.
But I hate to be hated, and yet am too proud to do anything about it.

Present Tense Note: I have no idea who this entry is referring to!

I was originally going to title this piece "Ultimate Frisbee" but I thought that'd give too much away. Then again, considering the unusual titles others have... maybe not. In any case, this is supposed to be a humorous break from my otherwise depressing/self-critical, and/or sappy entries.

Two Halloweens ago, there was a BBQ held for students of a certain class I was in JROTC. It happened that the oldest student in the class (it was a class for all grade levels) was the one I had been crushing on for... well, a long time. Since late August, when we had started school. Present Tense Note: in case you haven't picked it up from my previous entries -regardless of their actual posting date- the guy in question is Jason Cunningham, affectionately nicknamed "Juicy Cantaloupe" by myself and cutieme4u.)

So it's in a park nearby, it's a beautiful sunny day. The guys are at one table, the girls at another. It's just the way it works, I guess. Everyone was competing to make the most hamburgers. Later, when we all got bored, but didn't want to leave, I started a game of Frisbee. A few people got playing.

Wait-- before you even THINK that I hit my crush with a Frisbee, I will tell you you're wrong. A little to the left. Yeah, I hit his best friend. On the butt. This guy just happened to be in charge of ALL of the programs in the district (Brigade Commander, natch. Not a guy to mess with). Plus he scared the living snot out of me. He still does, when he visits for absolutely no reason at all.

Dear god, the humiliation. I was talking about this to one of my friends today, and she cracked up. I had started inspecting a BBQ midway through my horrible throw. I happened to look at the precise *wrong* moment, and I was caught. Of course, Bullseye (the target whom was hit) glared at me in his menacing way.

Let me defend myself now by saying I deserved what humiliation I got-- I had bragged that I was an expert Frisbee thrower. Bragging = bad. But, I blame it all on the Frisbee, I brought it with the intention of "accidentally" throwing it away. It was chewed horribly on one end by my dog (his first and only chew toy) and was a hideous neon green. My crush decides to pick up the cruddy thing and not only criticizes it (I could care less) but me and my bad throwing. I was turning as green as the damned Frisbee.

What was worse, I couldn't even LOOK at Bullseye-- er, I'll call him Al. I kept seeing a neon flashing (red and white) target on his butt.

Think Ally McBeal, every time she sees someone, she reacts in a very vivid way with her imagination. i.e.: stripping someone's clothes off with invisible strings when she sees a hot guy. Yeah, and because my crush had "stood" up for Al, I started getting mad at him (a "love/hate" relationship, as cutieme4u calls it) and was grumbling how much of a gay-ass he was. (I mean no phobia/insult by that)

Then my friend who I had told about this today cracked up even harder, imagining Al and my crush:

"Did you just touch my butt?"
"No, sir, I grabbed it."

Insulted, but laughing... yeah, I took it all in good stride and remember it humorously.
But I threw away that Frisbee the first chance I got.

Okay, so I'm not exactly COOL and CONFIDENT 100% of the time. Lord knows I'm right fidgety 50%, and a blur of emotions the rest. So today, I have this interview. It's for this summer program I got nominated for, and in order to be a candidate, I had to write an essay, revise it, find out stuff about my family's income. Blah. Blah. Blah. So I have this lovely little slip that tells me when and where my 'view is, at 12:00, during lunch. I leave my 4th class early to get to lunch, and then the interview. It turns out the interview with the previous person will last 20 minutes. Straight into my 5th class, which I love. Oh well.

Miss-Confident-Me gets nervous as time ticks away. Finally, about 15 minutes before the 6th class, which is a pain in the @$$ for me, and pretty mandatory about attendance, the last person comes out. I wait a few seconds, then knock. A muffled voice says something that sounds like "Wait A Sec" but I feel like I've been out there a millennium and start reading this poster and tapping on the wall. A few seconds later Ms. Hoity-Toity herself comes out from the room, obviously annoyed. She tells me to stop knocking after she told me to wait, and I try to apologize, I didn't know I was knocking my fingers on the door... but does she listen? NOO... storms back in her little office and makes me wait. I come back in a few minutes later, and she starts off with this cool demeanor.

So I give it right back to her, naturally. She asks some pretty general questions, just like I expected, but seeing one of my friends come from this meeting crying wasn't doing anything for my confidence. I started to pull on my fingers. She started to get annoyed with me, and it struck me that this woman was reminding me of that lady from Suddenly Susan-- whoever Susan's antagonist was, the blonde-haired woman who she always seemed to hate, who Luis was in love with? Whatever.

So anyway, she started to say I wasn't being detailed enough, that, while I was obviously intelligent, I was giving the info to her "like a ham sandwich." I ended almost every statement with a "Well, yeah." or a "You know..." I thought I sounded like a Valley Girl. And I'm from "Up North". But apparently, I made some big step, according to the same woman later.

I found out that my interviewer was the Exec Director of the program. The other woman in the room was a possible staff member, and the last lady who came in at the end was the founder of the program. Yet this didn't feel like girl talk. So eventually, I discover *SHOCK* I've made it in. Being a third person now, I hear how I made this big leap by being more emotional. The interviewer pestered me about my "status" socially, how I wasn't very popular, but, she pointed out, I was on some "cycle of destruction" because I boxed myself away from others, but ended up regretting it. It sort of overwhelmed me at the end how nice they were acting, after this woman had just peeled me apart like an onion. She was looking HAPPY that I had cried, and I still didn't know why I did. I tell you, interviewers, when they say they want to get into your shoes and find out what it is to be you... damn, they mean it.

Present Tense Note: I'm thinking the "program" in question may have been Digital Horizon or the Beacon/Richmond Review newspaper thing I did. I'm not really sure which, though. Damn, why did I have to be so vague back in high school?

Oh I'm so creative with my titles, huh? *laughs* Oh well, I suppose when I write so freelance, I'm not as "stingy" (with my titles, etc). I write stories in most of my free time, fanfics for animes and tv shows, to be exact. Lord knows it isn't some arcane thing that only weirdos know about. It's too lengthy to explain-- it isn't really the topic of this entry anyway.

The deal is, last year, when I was a freshman, I fell -slowly, sort of like how molasses drips down an... anything-- for this guy. Not just any guy, unfortunately, it had to be a tall (I'm short), mixed (I'm white, and it sucks most of the time), senior. (Needless to say, he was not interested) Oh wait, I take that back. For the better half of the year, we usually acted like rivals. I took whatever shots I could to piss him off, and he did the same to me. After a while, I came to expect it, like the kind of thing you get from an older brother. I should mention here that I don't have any siblings. I mean I used to, but she (my older sis) died when she was 19 in a hiking accident. I don't mind taking about her, or how it happened, but if anyone pesters me, I rip their esophagus out with a smile on my face.

BACK to the guy issue. So he was like the sibling I no longer had. Despite my constantly bitching at hinm (suffice it so say; hell, I'm an Aries) I respected him, and, like all "doomed" relationships, I had to let it go further. I started to admire him for traits that other people hated. I started to appreciate his mannerisms, no matter how crude (or egotistical). I started to fall in love with him, and me, after just coming out of what I call a "relationship" but may not truly have been so (another diary entry, my friends) thought the part of my conscience that was bouncing off the wall over this face-was crazy. Yeah. Now he's gone, and I can't stop thinking about him, despite the fact that I haven't seen/heard or anything about him since June of 2000. I don't want to believe that I was actually -and possibly still am- in love with him, but I don't know what love really is. I consider myself too young and I haven't "played the field" enough to discover what love is. But... I'm stuck on him.