Confoozled, Bamboozled, Helpless
Sep. 14th, 2001 03:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteThe world seems to have gone all awry on me in the course of one week. I can't blame it on anyone in particular, the way the San Francisco Examiner does in their Wednesday morning issue, with the bold headline of "BASTARDS!".
This whole World Trade Center/Pentagon/Pennsylvania issue has become a sort of global phenomena-- my friends online that I do not know face to face are performing "roll call" to check up on everyone; some are shutting down their websites in order to assist with blood donation, grief support, medical relief, and debris clean-up. I've been flooded with "are you ok?" emails from groups that formerly served only to annoy me with their junk mail.
My friend in class, who formerly could only think of her boyfriend in New York (a fact which I forgot about on Wednesday) and sex was suddenly fascinated by this event.
My mother was busy trying to call all her relatives-- all living on the East coast in relative proximity to the explosions. I'm still worried about my baby cousin, cousins removed, and aunts/uncles.
I can't do anything about any of these situations, and today, things only got worse. It started in the morning, when I was flooded with homework I forgot I had and didn't have the textbooks for. Then in my 2nd period Chem, I spilled some wite-out on myself, and when the guy next to me (formerly a nice, yet egotistical) started laughing. I wiped a smidgen (emphasis on smidgen there) on his shirt sleeve and he went berserk. Okay, so I shouldn't have reacted to him laughing the way I did; look at it from my POV: I've been an outcast all my life. I got sick of being laughed at, taunted and teased all throughout elementary and middle school. Losing my sister effectively made me a "bitch" but I try not to overdo it. But when people laugh at me, I'm torn between wanting to rip their heads off or run away crying.
In 6th grade gym, there were these two jerks. Coincidentally, they had the same initials to which I will refer them by: JA (Present Tense Note: Judd Anderson and Jesse Anderson, for the uninformed; no relation to each other as far as I knew). Both JAs were taunting me about the loss of my sister, saying "bet they never found the body" and "if they did, it musta been a gorilla's body". I easily could have beaten them both into a bloody pulp, but telling them to shut up was enough for the moment. But they persisted, so I ran out, crying, heedless of the yells of the idiotic substitute. Since then, and since my sister's death, I've (sadly?) forced myself to not cry in front of ANYONE if I can help it. Maybe it's sexist, but I'm not a guy or anything who believes that it's not "manly" to cry. I just don't want to. It shows weakness. Leaves you open to attack.
I want to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally strong so I won't ever run away crying again. So I won't blow up at the people I care about and ruin precious friendships.
I have some good friends whose lives seem a hell of a lot better than mine do 99.9% of the time. It makes me depressed and often suicidal. Somehow, I always find the bright side of matters. This week, it's been a bit hard to do.
My friend's boyfriend is in NY. Out of harm's way, but since they're separated (a'la "Friends" I guess) the guy wants to see another girl, the same age as my friend. Now, my friend uses her ex-bf's screenname, and today, the girl her boy wants to ask out (Can you believe it!? How cruel!) IMd her. At first, she didn't know who my friend was, but later, she said she knew who she was. Asked ridiculous, rude, and often pointless questions regarding the relationship, and why my friend still hung onto her ex. My friend was half-crying, half-screaming. But I've never had a real bf, even if I've "felt real love" before. So the best I could do was say "If I were you..."
One of HER friends is pregnant with her ex's baby. That ex wants the girl to have an abortion, but the girl doesn't want to. She's still in love with her ex, who is now involved with another girl. My friend suggested she get a lawyer/doctor to help her out, and ensure that the guy supports her no matter what. Even if she still loves him, it's both their responsibilities-- for the girl, and for the baby. Right?
The world is erring on itself. People are angry. I don't know what to do.
This whole World Trade Center/Pentagon/Pennsylvania issue has become a sort of global phenomena-- my friends online that I do not know face to face are performing "roll call" to check up on everyone; some are shutting down their websites in order to assist with blood donation, grief support, medical relief, and debris clean-up. I've been flooded with "are you ok?" emails from groups that formerly served only to annoy me with their junk mail.
My friend in class, who formerly could only think of her boyfriend in New York (a fact which I forgot about on Wednesday) and sex was suddenly fascinated by this event.
My mother was busy trying to call all her relatives-- all living on the East coast in relative proximity to the explosions. I'm still worried about my baby cousin, cousins removed, and aunts/uncles.
I can't do anything about any of these situations, and today, things only got worse. It started in the morning, when I was flooded with homework I forgot I had and didn't have the textbooks for. Then in my 2nd period Chem, I spilled some wite-out on myself, and when the guy next to me (formerly a nice, yet egotistical) started laughing. I wiped a smidgen (emphasis on smidgen there) on his shirt sleeve and he went berserk. Okay, so I shouldn't have reacted to him laughing the way I did; look at it from my POV: I've been an outcast all my life. I got sick of being laughed at, taunted and teased all throughout elementary and middle school. Losing my sister effectively made me a "bitch" but I try not to overdo it. But when people laugh at me, I'm torn between wanting to rip their heads off or run away crying.
In 6th grade gym, there were these two jerks. Coincidentally, they had the same initials to which I will refer them by: JA (Present Tense Note: Judd Anderson and Jesse Anderson, for the uninformed; no relation to each other as far as I knew). Both JAs were taunting me about the loss of my sister, saying "bet they never found the body" and "if they did, it musta been a gorilla's body". I easily could have beaten them both into a bloody pulp, but telling them to shut up was enough for the moment. But they persisted, so I ran out, crying, heedless of the yells of the idiotic substitute. Since then, and since my sister's death, I've (sadly?) forced myself to not cry in front of ANYONE if I can help it. Maybe it's sexist, but I'm not a guy or anything who believes that it's not "manly" to cry. I just don't want to. It shows weakness. Leaves you open to attack.
I want to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally strong so I won't ever run away crying again. So I won't blow up at the people I care about and ruin precious friendships.
I have some good friends whose lives seem a hell of a lot better than mine do 99.9% of the time. It makes me depressed and often suicidal. Somehow, I always find the bright side of matters. This week, it's been a bit hard to do.
My friend's boyfriend is in NY. Out of harm's way, but since they're separated (a'la "Friends" I guess) the guy wants to see another girl, the same age as my friend. Now, my friend uses her ex-bf's screenname, and today, the girl her boy wants to ask out (Can you believe it!? How cruel!) IMd her. At first, she didn't know who my friend was, but later, she said she knew who she was. Asked ridiculous, rude, and often pointless questions regarding the relationship, and why my friend still hung onto her ex. My friend was half-crying, half-screaming. But I've never had a real bf, even if I've "felt real love" before. So the best I could do was say "If I were you..."
One of HER friends is pregnant with her ex's baby. That ex wants the girl to have an abortion, but the girl doesn't want to. She's still in love with her ex, who is now involved with another girl. My friend suggested she get a lawyer/doctor to help her out, and ensure that the guy supports her no matter what. Even if she still loves him, it's both their responsibilities-- for the girl, and for the baby. Right?
The world is erring on itself. People are angry. I don't know what to do.
