azurite | Entries tagged with family

For all the greatness I've got in getting into Tokiwa, I think I'm lacking in the creativity and/or motivational departments at the moment. I seriously need a new layout for my LiveJournal. I hate using some rehashed one ganked from some site- every time I've found one that I liked (rare) and managed to get it up, something's gone wrong. Too wide, too narrow, this not showing up, that not showing up...

...I wonder if I could commission someone? Maybe for about $10? (I'm flexible, but I'm thinking base price, here. If I come up with colors and graphics...) Any takers? (Mer <-- LAZY!?)

GRR! I like the Smooth Sailing Layout and want to customize it to my liking. I've been rummaging through the few tutorials on

s2smoothsailing and found myself at

the_lj_reboot, but even with resources, there's not much help there for me to "reboot" my LJ into anything spectacular. I don't even have any ideas as to colors, artwork, fonts, etc. for the journal... I've tried about four or five things now, and nothing "hits" me. I've even gone through premade layouts on my comp and thought about adapting them.... but nothing.

Same goes for my websites, which an unusual amount of people have been asking about. I pay $6/mo for the service, I damn well better upgrade everything and make it functional and look good. I should add a counter to all the pages, too. I just wish I could buy bottled inspiration or something.

Well, so Passover wasn't too much of a bomb. Dad and I sorta got along by the end of the week; no more explosive and/or embarrassing fights, but there's still a lot I can't agree with him on, and think he's utterly immature for. Scott really was my godsend; he even helped paint the rec room bathroom when the fumes got to be too much for me. There's still more fixing-up to do-- the air filter in the main hall needs to be replaced, and the mirrors and paintings in the rec room bathroom need to be hung up again. We also need new socket and switch plates, and I need new luggage (Target EMBARK series in Lilac, only $30!) Plus the kitchen's a right mess, and I'd like to move the computer upstairs to my room-- just to test it out. I need to put clothes away, organize my desk, blah blah...

I think I said 3 weeks ago that I'd be done with WDKY24, and it's not there yet. I feel rotten about it, too, but I'm still lacking in inspiration, even if I seriously want to get to the parts BEYOND 24 (AUGH, THE BEST PARTS!) and have the "outline" written for 99.9% of the chapter... of course it's the toughest parts that I keep skipping and not writing. But writers never make promises! :P (Except for implicit ones)

Ah, as for Tokiwa, I'm supposed to go from Mid-September to late-January. Missing Hanukkah/Christmas would be a big bummer to me, but since tuition/air fare/etc. is free, I might be able to swing a plane ride home and back... if I get financial aid. Why would they award me financial aid if a) I won't be at CSUN, and b) Tokiwa's tuition for me is free? Same goes for the Presidential Scholarship... what is the point of having the priority registration, the Matador Bookstore discount, etc. if I go to a school with FREE tuition? That's not to say I won't work on my project for the Scholarship-- better to try and do it IN JAPAN like I originally hoped; maybe some of my professors there can help me better understand female writers of their country. But financial aid is how I survive... even if I would get a stipend IN Japan for teaching conversational English, how would that measly amount help me for nearly 6 whole months? ;_;

Dad never got me a birthday present. :P So I treated myself at Border's, using 2 coupons: I got 15% off Carmen Electra's Vols 4 & 5 of her Aerobic Striptease (Lapdance and Hip Hop. Teh yey!) and 25% off the Back to the Future trilogy. I wanted to get Indiana Jones, but they didn't have it-- not in Action/Adventure, and not in the Boxed Sets area, even though the computer said they had it in stock, and I had the guy (who was a jerk) check the back room. :P

And now... it's Back to Back to the Future. I'm too bored to just keep sitting here. Maybe I'll eat some pie now.

Current Mood: cranky
Current Location: Home

guardian_kysra! Okay, I have to admit, it's all

pantsu_icons' fault. I found a Kaiba base in the first set of panty-stretching icons at the community (join! It's friends-locked, but SO WORTH IT!) and decided that it was inspirational. Or maybe your fic "Clean"/"UnClean" was the inspirational one, and the icon just fit?

In any case:

I think it's a bit fast in places... I don't know, I could go for 2+ opinions. I did get it under 40K though, so it's fully gankable, with credit to

pantsu_icons and

delishidoodle.

(I suppose this is my naughty way of thanking you for the delish b'day present. One day I'm going to have to icon that one...)

Ah, I think the drama with my dad is over. I called after class today and he picked up the phone. I didn't expect it, so I asked to speak to Grandpa to ask if I should get a ride home, or walk (it was still light out; I wouldn't have minded either way). Dad commented as he handed the phone away "Here, Meredith's not talking to me!"

Well, I said hi to him and Steve when I got home, and I helped Dad rent "The Ice Harvest" On-Demand. So he's not furious at me anymore, but like Baba said, no apology. I guess it's better if we let both our childish tantrums remain in the past, where they belong.

And you know what? I have no homework, so I feel like dueling. I hope

immicolia is still online :}

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Location: Home
Current Music: Technotronic F. Ya - Get Up [B4 The Nite Is Over]

I told you I bombed my Geography midterm. I didn't think I'd bombed it so badly as to get a D (that's what a 65% is, right?), but alas! Such is the case. Half of me wishes they graded according to the Asian style, which would be something like this:
A = 90-100%
B = 79-89%
C = 59-78%
D = 39-58%
F = Anything below 39%
That would explain why Usagi always whined about 30%s, anyway...

Today's my Japanese midterm, and I'm much more confident. I've only been here in the Collaboratory for a half-hour, so I have plenty of time before my 2pm class to study... I think what I need to get down is the various readings (ON and KUN) of kanji, and review the sentence structures/patterns that we've learned:
~ni shimasu (I've decided on...)
~ni narimasu (...is set to/will become/becoming)
~sugimasu (too much)
~tai (Verbs+tai indicate desire of action. e.g. tabetai = want to eat)
~hoshii (Nouns+hoshii indicate desire of possession. e.g. kuruma ga hoshii = I want a car)
Verb stems ("tabe" from "tabemasu" is the verb stem. Use it in a a sentence construction with a destination and a noun to indicate purpose of movement and action. e.g. In-N-Out ni cheeseburger o tabe ni ikimasu. I'm going to In-N-Out to eat a cheeseburger.)
Informal speech (finding the "root" of verbs. Sometimes they're the same as verb stems/pre-masu verbs, but usually not.)
Negative questions/responses in informal speech. ("Restoran ni konai?" is not asking "Don't come to the restaurant, okay?" It's asking "Won't you come to the restaurant with me?" It kind of functions the same way the ~masen ka? structure works for formal speech.)

I don't have school/work on Friday because of Cesar Chavez day. We don't get off for Veteran's Day or anything else, but we get off for this... and we're one of the few CSU campuses to get it, too. I don't mind so much though, because we get a perfectly timed Spring Break (first time in probably 10 years for me). The long winter break is a thing of the past though, because of the new summer session that forces us to reorganize the Spring and Fall terms. I think this Winter (assuming I'm still here in SoCal), we'd start again on Jan. 6th or something.

Anyway, since it's Cesar Chavez week, tons of LAUSD high school students have been protesting this bill that originally made it a felony to be an illegal immigrant in California. I would have thought the whole "illegal" thing sort of made it obvious that it was a felony, but something's going on with the rewrite of the bill that would let those people stay, become naturalized citizens, and pay a fine and back taxes. I suppose that's agreeable, but I wish those so-called "undocumented citizens" would make the extra effort to BE a citizen and participate in the country, even if it takes a long time for everything to get processed. (Then again, is it really all that great to be an American at this time?)

Also, Erin, Joyce, my aunt-by-marriage Susy's daughter Karin, and her boyfriend Guy have all been staying at the house the past 3 days, and will keep on staying through Friday, or thereabouts. They're all on their Spring Break, but I rarely see Karin. Erin, Joyce, Baba, Grandpa and I went out to dinner at the Hot Wok last night (good Chinese food!), but since I'd had a pizza during English class (which I was late to, because I was typing up the revision to my Emily Dickinson essay in the language lab. Bad Mer, bad!) I only had a few potstickers.

Erin and even Grandpa insist that poodles (like Erin's miniature poodle, the "rat" known as Mokie) are hypoallergenic. Even if poodles do have fur and not hair (or the other way around?), I still think it sounds like bunk. They might not have body dander, but they can still have fleas. Here's this snippet from Dog Myths Debunked:
Dog lovers allergic to their beloved companions long for a simple solution. Unfortunately, non exists. Certain breeds may not shed or may shed less than others, but that doesn't make their owners allergy-free. Allergic people usually react to dander. As a dog grooms and licks itself, saliva is deposited on the skin and haircoat. As it dries, microscopic bits of the saliva, or dander, enter the air and environment and affect the owner.

Still-experimental allergy shots are available to owners, but most choose grooming and housecleaning options over this often painful and time-intensive option. Frequent shampooing of the dog can keep accumulation of dander to a minimum, as can regular washing of bedding and vacuuming of carpets. Many people also find a household HEPA air filter helpful. Simply keeping the dog out of the bedroom provides tremendous relief to others.

Also, from "How Do I Find a Puppy?": Many people believe that certain breeds (like poodles) are "hypoallergenic". True, there are breeds that do not shed hair but anyone that's highly allergic to dogs can also be allergic to these types. And remember that the non-shedding breeds require regular grooming which takes time & can become expensive (even if you do it yourself).

Erin goes by her brother, David. He was severely allergic to cats, to the point where his eyes got swollen. But he never had any such reaction to Mokie. I hardly think that makes her hypoallergenic. The whole TERM 'hypoallergenic' is a human-created thing, anyway; I don't think animals can be naturally hypo-allergenic. People can be allergic to anything.

Current Mood: apathetic

I actually didn't watch the Oscars tonight. I caught the last 5 minutes of it, just because Baba was complaining about all the women not wearing bras. Like you're supposed to NOTICE or something. I know it's obvious with some (tacky) women, but usually there's an artful away around that. I used to watch for the fashion, but MEH! I just wasn't interested this year.

I ended up napping most of the afternoon away; not because I didn't get much sleep last night (though that was PART of it... ^_~), but just because tiredness compounds on tiredness for whatever weird reason. I slept in the car ride, likely because I didn't like Erin's taste in music much, and she blasted it so loud that my iPod barely had any effect. So instinctively I fell asleep to ignore the music. ^^;

As it turned out, the visit to San Diego was shorter than I thought; I thought Erin and I would be leaving at 10-11 tonight, not 10-11 in the morning. And even though Scott did the right thing by asking Erin for sure what time she planned to leave, we ended up leaving Joyce's new house late in the morning, anyway. Not that it was a bad thing-- I got to eat a delicious breakfast (bagel & cheese, eggs, and orange juice) in their new kitchen. Last night I wanted to stick around for a yummy dinner, but they were just starting to make it as Erin and I arrived, and Scott planned to pick me up after he and the guys (Aaron & John) ate dinner at a Greek place. So they picked me up on their way back, and I couldn't stick around for however long it would take to speed-cook everything else. ;_; But I'll get to enjoy a yummy dinner next time, whenever that may be.

I got to see David again, as well as Camp Pendleton (where Erin's boyfriend, Elliott, is stationed for now)... man, it looks different from what I remember. I actually don't remember it as well as I thought, or when I was there with the ROTC in the summer between sophomore and junior years, I was only on one side of the base. It is one of the biggest bases in the country, from what I've heard.

Scott and I spent the whole night together --and I guess I've gotten used to the weirdness that is "guys." It was one thing to be around guys like Vince, Jimmy, "God" and et al., but Scott's friends and twin brother are a whole other breed. They were funny (albeit gross at times), and we had fun watching the first 3/4 of Predator before Scott and I called it a night. I was tired after my quick dinner (Macaroni and Cheese) with coconut rum & coke.

( Serious stuff. )

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Hikaru Utada - Wait & See ~Risk~

Alas, the weekend has come to an end! Am I some kind of weirdo for having classes today, when everyone else seems to be off work or school? I had a geography quiz today, and in a few hours I'll have a dialogue for memorization, two response drills (eugh), and I have to turn in my Listening Comprehension. My LCs have gotten a LOT harder since last semester; the speakers go so fast I can barely understand them! Last night the sheer speed of the speakers on the MP3 tracks got me so stressed out and worried about my homework -among other things- that I nearly started crying.

I guess it would make sense for me now to start freaking out-- I've gone half the distance and gotten letters of recommendation, filled out applications, sent forms, filled out my FAFSA, and all that blather. Now it's a matter of finishing up, writing more essays, getting more letters of recommendation, and getting into a program. I would hate myself if I didn't try at all, or if I quit halfway through, but likewise, I'm terrified of the prospect of actually getting in. I'd be leaving a lot behind -friends, family, material objects. What if I don't make it? What if I end up being a dissapointment to all the teachers that have called me brilliant, motivated, creative, and determined? What will happen to that part of my personality that is always looking for the unknown, or a great challenge? I love that wonderful sense of accomplishment when you achieve something, even if it doesn't mean money in your hands. I get giddy knowing I have a high GPA, or that I'm only 49 more units away from graduation and a degree-- a real degree!

And I believe in what my dad's drilled into my head all my life: reach for the stars, land on the moon/reach for the sidewalk, land in the gutter. I know I might be trying for the impossible, but I'll still go farther than I ever would have if I set my sights lower, because of my bad self-esteem or whatnot.

So here's the situation: I need more letters of recommendation.

janimelee, I know you said you were interested, and I would really appreciate it if you're still open to the offer. Likewise,

guardian_kysra, I don't know if you saved your old letter that you sent to my teacher, but if you have the DOC file saved, I would love it if you could help me out again.

This time, it's for Waseda University itself, not for a particular scholarship-- although there are other scholarships I'm applying to that will need letters, but considering they all mostly ask the same thing, what I'm really asking for is:
* Permission
* Your signature

Here's my current list of recommendations:
* Takase-sensei - 3 (1 for Waseda through CSU IP, 1 for Tokiwa, 1 for NSEP)
* Blumenkrantz - (1 for Tokiwa)
*

guardian_kysra - (1 for NSEP)
* Scott - (1 for NSEP)
* Salido - 1 for Waseda through CSU IP
* Hirota-sensei (1 for Presidential Scholar's faculty statement)

The Waseda University one seems to imply that it should be from a professor though-- so I'm hoping I can ask Prof. Hirota again, and possibly Prof. Davidson, my Geography teacher. I've had him twice now (including this year), and even though it's early in the semester and he might not remember me well, I hope he's willing to give me a recommendation based on what he DOES remember of me from previously. I'm willing to ask Salido or Blumenkrantz again; Scott gave me a copy of his letter so I could re-use it if necessary. Again, it's a matter of signature and permission though, so I don't want to be frivolous with these.

I'm also applying for other scholarships:
* The Bridging Scholarship
* The JASSO scholarship (if I get accepted; I can only apply if/when I get accepted)
* The Aurora Grant
* any others I find
Most of them seem to have deadlines in mid-March. The Tokiwa application is due on the 24th of this month; all I have to do is finish estimating the dates, attach my photos (make 4 more copies), and print it all out. I hope Blumenkrantz really did mail my 2nd letter of recomendation and that the people at Tokiwa didn't throw it out b/c they didn't have a matching application!

In any case, please let me know if you can help; I'll have more information when I'm at home (today's my long day).

( A wonderful weekend )

And now I have to try and study for my Japanese.
Kono shigoto wa dono gurai kakarimasu ka?
Isshukan gurai deshou?
Jya, raigetsu no mikka goro dekimasu ne?

Current Mood: hopeful

Yesterday a funny thing happened-- I was walking back from Subway, after getting a small lunch to eat before my Major American Writers class started. The University Student Union is under construction, so to get from the USU area (with Subway, the Pub, the Matador Involvement Center, the gym, the arcade, the graphic design center, Wells Fargo, and the Digital Photo place), you have to walk past the construction on your right, and the meeting halls on your left. You come out of this outdoor hallway/tunnel thing, facing the new clothing store (Sam's), and the Mercantile Exchange (convenience store). There are some tables with umbrellas out there on the raised patio so people can eat.

This girl and her guy friend/whoever were sitting on the corner table, right near the "hallway" exit, and as I came out, she turned and looked at me and said "Miss-- you're very pretty." I was so baffled and surprised ("was she talking to me?") that I stuttered out an "Oh! Thank you!" and walked into the Merc and bought my daily iced tea. o_o; I wasn't even dressed in anything remotely attractive yesterday; I was wearing my black track pants, my blue and white track jacket, and a long sleeved shirt with a beaded American flag on it. Nothing special. I get more compliments about my purple satin Converse than I do about me, overall as a person.

I guess the fact that someone complimented me out of the blue is what's baffling me, not the fact that said compliment came from a female. But it's nice to know there are OTHER bold girls out there who admire other girls... That is, maybe she was bi? Or hell, maybe she was lesbian (that's what my grandmother thought), but who cares? I appreciated the comment, even if it was startling. And who knows? She might have been playing silly joke, but whatever. It made my day all the more memorable.

(To be honest, I did wear the track pants for a reason-- they make my butt look nice! HAH!)

Oh, and thanks to

jacksonslam, I now have a digital version of the picture they used in the Daily Sundial last Friday, of me working in the bookstore. It's in my Pics Gallery under 'school'. If you've never checked it out before, there's also all my

delishidoodle icons, banners and assorted stuff for my other comms. (which I need to get working on!), photos from all sorts of events and places, and the occasional helpful thing (backgrounds for your journal/webpages, etc).

I got my FAFSA done and filed, but I just remembered about this mysterious savings bond thing that WaMu mailed to me. I don't have a Savings Bond. But this number (a measly $57ish) would screw up my FAFSA and my taxes (if I file them), because it counts as Interest Income, which I reported as $0! It's not much, but I have to find out from Mom if it's worth it to file, and then I can correct the FAFSA once I find out where this money came from, and if it's even really mine. I need to get all that done ASAP so I can see a FinAid officer and get her siganture on the Freeman-ASIA scholarship, since I want to get all the big, important ones out of the way.

Speaking of big important ones, both

guardian_kysra and Scott came through with recommendations for me-- Prof. Hirota told me she got the both of them. Takase-sensei was still reluctant when I asked her (as a LAST resort, because I would like to have a recommendation from a professor in the language of the country where I hope to study!), which kind of upset me-- she has 4 TAs correcting homework for her, so what's the big deal? I know she wrote two recs. for me in the past, but there's $20,000 riding on this! I wish Hirota-sensei would speak to her, but maybe that's just mean...

In any case, Scott forwarded me a copy of what he wrote, and MY GOD, it was so amazing. o_o I'm just bowled over by the kind of things he said about me (and Scott told me he spent over a week getting it all thought out and well-constructed; he did a fabulous job for a guy that likes art more than writing!). I really hope that what he and Kysra said will give me a leg-up.

I'm still waiting on the CCSF transcript-- I ordered it on the 2nd, but I don't think it got mailed out till the 3rd. Still, the postal service works on Saturday, so I'm hoping it got to SF by Saturday night, and to CCSF by Monday morning. They should have processed it within 2-3 days (assuming now isn't still 'peak period') and it would get here today... I hope. I asked my grandparents to call me if it comes in; if not, I will tell Prof. Hirota to hold off on mailing the package without the transcript, because tomorrow is the latest I can wait. It's true I only took one measley (rhymes with Weasley) class (that I aced, because it was elementary Japanese), but it WAS Japanese, not some weird, meaningless class. And when they ask for ALL college transcripts, I take it seriously. CCSF better come through, because I don't want to miss out on $20,000 because of their inefficiency!

Finally, I'm 90% going to go through with this Hawaii for Spring Break thing, even if Mom doesn't come with me. It looks like Passover will probably be in San Diego the week AFTER (unless Fred decides to be weird and change it around; I just hope we don't try to have it at his house again), since Joyce and Sally think that doing it in Northridge would be too stressful for Baba and Grandpa. I suppose they're right, and Joyce's new house IS big enough for everyone (from what I saw; it was under construction when I was there last). I can't think of any better ideas-- I don't want to stay here in Northridge for my birthday, doing nothing. I don't want to go to San Francisco and do what I've done, see what I've seen, even if I could *MAYBE* hang out with some of my friends. I still plan on being back by Friday night or Saturday night, so

cutieme4u (even though you won't read this because you're swamped with 6 midterms), I'll still go clubbing with you if you want. Too bad you're going to be out of town for YOUR birthday though, otherwise we should totally do something for YOUR birthday together! ;)

So I'm waiting for mom to find out if we could stay at a Starwood Resort hotel (likely a Sheraton) for a cheaper rate than the travel agency is quoting me for a lower-star hotel. $66 for 4-star as opposed to $88 for a 2-star!? I'm all for it. But that would change the price that the lady at STA Travel quoted me, and I need to go back there soon to make reservations anyway! :O I hope Mom gets back to me soon.

Well, that's really it for now; I've memorized my dialogue for Japanese already (and Takase-sensei's new system leaves it up to chance whether you'll get the hard lines or the easy ones; so far I've got the easy ones, and the guy I was paired with was unprepared!) and am going to polish off the response drills; I've already done my Listening Comprehension, and that's it for the day until work starts at 4pm! I've got my fingers crossed for that transcript, though...

Current Mood: anxious

Ugh. I was going to suggest to anyone with DSL and some free time on their hands to grab Yu-Gi-Oh Online; it's fun, challenging, and an accurate rendition of the TCG. It's also very cheap and easy to learn compared with other PC/Online games these days, and all you need is the game itself (which comes with a Duel Pass) and a DSL or high speed 'Net connection.

...But I just got harassed in a duel. Admittedly, I didn't have to chat with the guy in the first place. But he asked "asl" and I honestly replied: 20/f/USA. He said he was 21/m/ma, and I told him it was rare for older guys to be in the chat. And then he just decided to be a complete jerk and pervert and waste my time. He asked me where in the USA I was from, what I looked like, what my measurements were... yuck! I was there to duel, not to meet people! I could have mentioned I have a boyfriend, but that excuse doesn't fly with online pervs anymore; they just are like "I wanna chat wit u!" And he did say that, BTW. I told him I didn't have AIM or YIM, and after I beat his ass into the ground with a Summoned Skull (and then added him to my Ignore List), I reported him to Konami.

And I told the truth. I don't have AIM or YIM... I have Trillian! :P Bwahah. But all the same, I won't stop dueling. I need to buy (or get) a new Duel Pass soon ($14.99 for 150 Duels; basically 10 cents per duel). I would like to pre-arrange some duels with people I actually know and like... hopefully Mamono will get DSL at the end of the year, and I can send her the game and buy her a Duel Pass and we can duel the right way! :O!

Erin, Shaina, and their boyfriends, Elliot and Sam (respectively) all came to visit yesterday... I toured Shaina and Sam around CSUN, but since most of the campus was closed, we didn't get to see much. Shaina's thinking about coming to CSUN after she graduates from UCSC, because she wants to get her teaching credential (and be closer to Baba and Grandpa). Scott came over as well (we were planning to spend some time together as "the last week we'll probably see each other in a long, long time"), and we went to Islands over in Porter Ranch for dinner. T'was good (had a quesadilla). We also swung by Toys R' Us... I want the new DDR Extreme 2 (or Karaoke Revolution!) and... I was so tempted to buy some Duel Monsters/Yu-Gi-Oh TCG cards, but all they had was the Christmas packs, the Fire/Water boosters (forgot their appropriate names... Blaze-something and Something-from the Deep) and the new Cybernetic Revolution/Elemental Energy packs. Me? I want Dragon's Roar! :P Even if I have no one to duel against, so it's pointless. I don't need them.

( Drama drama drama. )

On Dragonfayth again, would people be interested in me adding a profile pic mod? The pics would have to be hosted elsewhere (Photobucket, LJ, your own website) unless we restricted them to LJ-sized. Or is it not worth it, because we only have 6 members at the moment, and I'm the only author (you have to post a fic to be an author)?

...Yeah, anyway. I'm not in the mood for writing right now, but maybe I'll go outside for a bit and then watch some of Arabian Nights.

Current Mood: stressed

zOMG Happy Birthday

kitesareevil,

sleep_alone, and

ohsupervinchan!

Sorry for the belated wishes, Grace + 'Niichan!

WHEW! I've uploaded *all* of my SxA stories (except the ones that I mentioned need revisions, and the ones I have not released/formatted yet) to Dragonfayth :: The Premiere Seto Kaiba x Anzu Mazaki Fanfiction Archive. Get going! Spread the word! Join the site, submit your own fics! *puppy eyes* Please? There's also a Christmas Challenge there, so if you need a kick of inspiration, check it out!

I'm also satisfied with the edits and additions I've made to WDKY22, so I'm going to post this semi-revised version up at Betasquad as we speak... please, any willing editors/pre-readers, etc. check it out (it's actually just a link, because apparently phpBB can't handle a 96K chapter. Yes, it's that long)!

luvinaoshi and

an_ardent_rain! (I doubt either of them will look here, but if they do... *crosses fingers*)

More Dragonfayth mods?
Well, I'd like to get a characters page up, even though I assume that everyone posting will be familiar with the main cast and characters of Yu-Gi-Oh! Nonetheless, not everyone knows who Miho is, or that Kaiba was once minty-fresh in the Toei animation. Plus I'd like to shed some light on the lesser-known characters, or characters I may not have included on the original list. Please check the list out and point out anyone I'm missing, okay? I'm still contemplating whether or not to include the Yami no... characters, though. If you want to give me good reasons, go right ahead! I'm all ears.

What else? I'm re-reading

mischiefmagnet's "The Night Before" for the fourth time. ^^ It's such a fantastic fic, and I sincerely hope she updates it soon (and posts it to DRFA! /plug)

And... well, it's almost time to go "home" to San Francisco. Eva and I will probably be leaving on the 17th or 18th, so MAYBE I'll be able to catch some of JTAF. Still, I don't think there's any way that I'll run into that girl I was emailing (apparently a fan of mine who's coming down to SF from Piedmont for JTAF. Hey,

staplerx and

god_101, if anyone mentions "psychotic fanfiction writer" or "Mer" or some derivative thereof, could you take a message for me? ^_~), because she's only going to be there on the 17th...

On top of that, today was the last day for Creative Writing class. I can't say I learned SOOO MUCH and it was a life-changing experience, but it was a lesson in writing and finding skills I didn't know I have. My weakness is that I can't shut up (as people are so fond of pointing out when I post particularly long entries or fics), and I couldn't shorten my fiction submission, "Goodbye, Hello, Who Are You?" (a DDR fanfiction, if you want me to be honest). But I met a lot of fun people, and I hope I stay in touch with them while I'm at CSUN.

...And then there's Scott. He's graduating and moving back to San Diego. Sure, it's not Japan or some other foreign country, but it's 150 miles away or so, 2 hours by car, and 4 hours by train. And if this stupid fear of driving (and lack of ability to practice with anyone) keeps holding me back, when would I get to see him? I hate feeling dependent on anyone, especially Scott, who I feel has done so much for me. I know he might come up to make visits and so forth... not just to see me, but to see Brett and Derek and everything, but... <_< Well, it wouldn't be the same, I don't think. We don't really have a relationship. I've called him my boyfriend to people who have asked, just because it'd be too awkward to explain the details. Except for today, when, at my last hand therapy appointment, one of the therapists asked "So, is he your boyfriend or your friend?" and I said (evasively, but with a dopey grin on my face) "aaah, a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B..." (this was when Scott was not in the room, obviously). I've been crying and worrying a lot lately. There was a lot of stress yesterday when Baba and Grandpa went to the doctor's unexpectedly at 9am, right as I was waking up. They didn't come back by 9:30am, so I walked to school. My VComm class was canceled that day, so I called the house to tell Baba, or maybe ask for a ride home. No one answered. I freaked out. I called again as I started to leave campus, 15 minutes later... still nothing. I walked home, paranoid the whole half hour that something had happened, and I had no way of getting ahold of anyone to find out if they were okay. I have to be honest-- it's not all roses and sweets here. Yes, I have it good, living with my grandparents off campus, not having to worry about rent or utilities or food. It's nice having people who somewhat understand me and CARE, plus... they're amusing! I have so much of what I want, and everything that I need. But I'm also placed in an awkward position of responsibility, to look after a pair of elderly people that don't seem to really need my help (at least for anything beyond carrying water in from the trunk of the car). Nonetheless, if something were to happen to them, what would I do? I don't mean if Grandpa had a heart attack-- I know CPR, I know how to react in an emergency. I'm not sure whether or not I would be scared/nervous and gung-ho, but I could handle it. But if either one of them died, what would happen to whoever was left... and me? I don't want to think about either of them dying, even if it is one of life's great inevitabilities. But... I talked to my mom, and she's right, I do have to talk to them. What do I do in case of an emergency or a tragedy? Who do I call? If something HAS happened to them, what can I do? I can't always rely on Scott to come over. I don't need to be taken care of, exactly, but I don't want to be going off the wall with worry and being upset all by myself. Anyway, with all this that I've got on my mind (a final due on Monday; no classes; 3 finals on Wednesday, only 2 of which actually merit intense studying; money issues, etc.) I think I better take my chance now and go to sleep... I do have class in 7 hours. *sigh*

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Hikaru Utada - Letters

Well, it was a generally good Thanksgiving. Good food (yum, cranberries! And latkes!), the usual emotional drama... and I've discovered that my cousins actually are human, and do experience hardship at times. I've always sort of idolized them due to how RICH they are (or seemed), and I thought they were blissfully ~~ignorant~~ immune to the kinds of things I've been through. Admittedly, everyone still has their share of problems, so I'd say I'm pretty grateful for how my life is right now: not all that exciting. It can be a good thing at times, as I'm sure many people will attest.

I did have the requisite emotional breakdown, but that's only because my period happened to fall on the same day as Thanksgiving, so I have Basketcase Excuse Alpha-01. :P Nyah! The cousins are still calling Scott "Scott Peterson" though, which bugs the hell out of me. It'd be one thing if the name were that of a celebrity or whatever, but a murderer? Ugh... not very nice.

As for shopping, my sole Hanukkah present (from Baba and my Dad: $80 total) was mostly spent on books (FY: Genbu Kaiden #1, YGO Duelist 9, 10, 11, Socrates in Love) . The Fashion Valley mall is home to a Saks, a Neiman Marcus, Coach, Tiffany's, and all those other stores I feel uncomfortable just setting FOOT in. I hated shopping there because I didn't feel right in ANY of the stores. And to shop on Black Friday is a bad idea anyway, even if (because?) everyone else is doing it. I did see Scott's brother Ryan at Coach, and his Mom at Ann Taylor, so that was nice... even if I felt out of place in those stores. The cheapest thing at Coach was a sparkly iPod mini case for $68! As for Ann Taylor... well, much as I love their clothes, I couldn't even bring myself to look.

Oh, did I mention I got my hair dyed (one color: chocolate brown) and cut (a layered cut down to my shoulders), and my eyebrows plucked? Yes, so I'm teh mature and girly looking, now. I don't act like it all the time though... I seriously need to stop thinking so much, be more social, and not act like a cat. ;_; ANYWAY!

Mostly, what I want for the holidays:
* To be with my friends
* To spend some time with mom
* To stuff my face with good food (spritz cookies! yams! hot cocoa with marshmallows!)
* BOOKS! Or Borders gift certificates...
* A cashmere sweater and scarf (Target has some for only $40/sweater, and... much cheaper for the scarf. Can't remember how much, but teh yum!)

I should be getting my first Xmas-present-to-self soon: my Shonen Jump/Jan 2006 with the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon! No, I don't have anyone to play, but maybe I should change that. Sure, socializing with 10 year old boys isn't my idea of making friends, but there's bound to be the odd female duelist, duelist-who's-also-an-anime-fan, or an older duelist-with-a-brain that I can meet... somewhere, somehow. And learning to drive might help me go further to hobby stores or sneak previews.

Speaking of anime and manga, I finally got my first issue of Takuhai... er, "MANGA" magazine. Tokyopop has slowly been slipping off my radar, what with how they're releasing mostly obscure titles/artists at a slow pace. And this magazine causes me to think: just what is "manga", anyway? I really don't like the idea of non-Japanese people trying to mock their favorite manga-ka's style, inventing their own style, messing around in Photoshop, and calling the end result "manga." And God forbid the word "Ani-manga" spread beyond the borders of our not-so-fair nation. I highly respect people that can draw so well as to garner Tokyopop's attention, but it shouldn't be touted as manga when it's far from professional. There are spelling errors, shoddy sound effects, and much less detail than real manga-kas-- even if the artists use screen tones, Deleter pens, and the works. I feel like I'm being prejudiced, but... well, "manga" is a Japanese word, a Japanese creation! You can't fake it! That would be like doujinshi-ka calling themselves manga-ka, when they know they're not! Even if American (or other nations) create their own stories in the Japanese manga style, I don't think it's manga...

Other stuff:
I'm participating in both the

dmhgficexchange and the

yuugiouxmasfic this Christmas; I have my assignments for both, but afaik, I don't have any submitting to do until December. That might be different for the YGO exchange, if only because there are themed "weeks" in which each week, a gift fic (according to the requester's "rules") should be submitted in line with the theme... I'm kind of confused on that, and whether I've missed the first week.

I've been emailing this person (Phyllis) who is an Azureshipper fan; I tried explaining to her that the "comics" she saw of Seto and Anzu were not official, that they were "doujinshi" or fan comics, and that the Yu-Gi-Oh series (anime and manga) has ended without ANY canon pairings whatsoever. And Phyllis acted like I'd told her there was no Santa Claus or something: she whined, bitched, complained, and insulted me. And she managed to do so while misspelling three words in a single sentence. I don't know if she's going to email me again, and frankly, I'd rather she didn't. I hate lame people like that...

( Read our last exchange )

There's a code glitch in phpFanbase, which is what BEA is running on. I don't know if anyone else is using that script or its spinoff, phpClique, but if so, I'd recommend heading over to CodeGrrl.com to keep up-to-date with the codes and fixes that Sasha and Co. put out.

And finally, this whole thing with Scott. I might as well just say what's been stressing me on and off...
( I'm sure a guy loves knowing he's the cause of my zits. )

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Yuki Kajiura - em more

Greetings from La Jolla, one of the most posh cities in Southern California. I'm typing this on my uncle Fred's Inspiron 5000e, and he just might hate this computer even more than I hate my Inspiron 6000. Heh... But on the bright side, if I feel like complaining to Dell about their decision to NOT let me return my computer (or exchange it) even though it was their fault that my 21-day return period expired because they LIED to me about 4 times about sending me a CD... So I think I'll try and do the Fry's thing and try and remake the laptop. Or, I can sell it on eBay. :P I mean, it comes loaded with new memory, Win XP Pro, Office 2003... I don't know how to erase everything, but if I was really determined to take that route, I could.

Also on the plus side, I get to sleep on this nifty bunk bed in a high ceilinged room here at Fred's house... er, condo/apartment/studio/loft, whatever the hell this place is. We're only a few blocks from these kitschy shopping areas with antique shops, back specialty stores, and needlework craft places, along with the ocean itself~! I hope I get to go to the beach!

Even better, Mom wired some money into my pathetically low bank account so I can pay my hospital bill-- you know, back from when I sliced my hand open? HMO thankfully paid for the bulk of the bill. For 6 hours of insane pain and waiting, it was over $1000, and all I have left to pay is $35. ^^

We just came back from this really nice Italian restaurant where I had a yummy butternut squash with cheese ravioli and parmesean sauce. Dad gave me some of his ribeye (mostly fat, though there was some delish meat attached) and brocolli; it was all delicious, and well worth the four hours we were waiting for my Aunt Joyce and Sally to come back from their shopping spree.

So despite all complaints and fears, so far, this Thanksgiving weekend is shaping up okay. I stayed at Scott's parents' yesterday; his Mom is still super-nice and wonderful as always, though the house is "falling apart" as they're getting ready to move to Texas. I was totally nervous about saying there; I don't know what Scott has said to them about me recently (if anything at all), but it's not like anyone gave me the Evil Ex-Girlfriend treatment, and... truthfully, why label whatever this relationship I have with Scott is, anyway?

I have a bit of comfort and security in knowing how he feels about me, and that he ISN'T using me like the Paranoid side of me thought. So, I'm happy, even if at times he makes me wanna strangle him with how dense he can be (how single-minded!), and the fact that he's leaving... if to San Diego and not Japan, which is a bit better. :)

I think I'll catch up on a few journals and some more WIRED before I turn in for the night. Happy Thanksgiving, anyone!

I am the Queen of Procrastination. Me and Atlantis have something in common: we're experts at busying ourselves with the things that need to get done, but could have been done later, and thus, we're the best at making to-do lists and never really getting around to doing them. ^^; I keep telling myself I'll clean my room, because the piles everywhere (clothes, books, papers) are getting a bit much-- even for my big, nice room that I have here! But during the week I feel like I never have enough time, and during the weekend, time just flies by when I try to relax and have fun!

I know I spend way too much time playing FFX-2. ;_; On the bright side, it inspired me to work on my Japanese (finished assignments for today and Tuesday) and my Visual Communications magazine cover. Yes, it's FFX-2 related. So basically I have to think of an interesting magazine cover layout that fits my FFX-2 theme... so I chose "Luca" as a destination. I grabbed a screenshot from FFX, and I'm trying to balance it out on either side with pictures of some big characters that I'd do "stories" on. That is: Yuna, Rikku, Paine, Brother, and Buddy (the Gullwings); Gippal, Baralai, Nooj, and Leblanc.

I was also thinking about having a "story" on Lenne and Shuyin, Maechen, and the return of Tidus (and something big to go with him, like he joins the newSpira -my magazine name. Isn't it kitschy!?- staff as a blitzball statistician, or for an exclusive interview about how he plans to rock the world of Blitzball once more. I was even tinkering with the idea of the Gullwings vs. the Aurochs in Blitzball-- whose side will Tidus take!? It's either that or "The Rumors Aren't True: Why The Gullwings AREN'T Disbanding". Any other ideas? What do you think?

I've managed to get the game up to 96%, and even though I just started Chapter 5, I have the New Game Plus option. I'll need to do another game just so I ensure that I get the Perfect Ending plus all the good accessories that you can only get through failed missions (Enterprise if you fail the 1st Moonflow mission; Key to Success if you get all the Moonflow missions, but you fail the Mt. Gagazet youth uprising mission). Geez, how lame it is not to be able to get those unless you screw over Spira in some way. And there's also the Japanese I+LM game...

Anyway, I think the remaining 4% will come from the Den of Woe (3%) and... uh, a random 1% that I haven't determined just yet. I already know I missed out on 0.2% (possibly; assuming I didn't get it my last go-around) by not watching the Calm Lands Chocobo Ranch CommSphere scene; it's either that or (I THINK) the Mascot Dressphere. I totally plan on getting it this time around! :O! As for The End garment grid, I really don't think there's any way I can possibly oversoul all the monsters just yet. I haven't caught that many chocobos, and you have to send chocobos to get things and to discover places... and I haven't done it! I hate the way the Brady Games guide is arranged... it explains why whenever I play a game, I always end up printing loads of stuff from online.

The weather here is finally turning sour: I'm hearing thunder rumbles outside, and this morning I helped Baba and Grandpa clean out the gutters in case of rain. We got a light drizzle, but it might start getting heavy again... Yeaaa... /sarcasm

I've also taken up meditation... and the purchasing of 2 meditation books at Border's on Thursday also led me to a job! When I was poking around for a specific meditation book, I ran into this Japanese family: a boy, a girl, and their mom. The girl had on a cool Pretty Cure shirt, so I told her it was pretty cool. Her mom was surprised I spoke Japanese, and after a brief conversation in English, we parted. After I bought my things downstairs, the mom came up to me and asked if I wanted to tutor her son in English! I got her phone number, called her back this afternoon, and I'm going over to her house tomorrow! It's near school. I told Dad and Grandpa about it, and they both think I should charge $20/hr. O_O I mean, I'm good in English, but... geez, I can't see myself charging that much. Even if it's not an every day for six hours kind of thing, that would mean I'd be making more money than my parents (I think!). So what do you think I should charge? The kid is 5 years old and in kindergarten. What should I teach? How should I teach it? (Surprisingly, his mom said he's not into manga or games. I wonder if that's because he can't read yet, or because he's just not one of those nerds like me! :P)

Aaand with Scott, my uncle Fred has possibly hooked him up with two backup plans, if Nova falls through (or he just wants something to do in San Diego after he graduates): (1) Apply as a stock photographer for this group that travels around the world 10+ mos out of the year. Sounds exciting, though Scott's more of a person-photographer than a thing-photographer. But it came highly recommended and hush-hush from Fred, so... I hope if he applies (and doesn't get Nova), he'd get this job, because it sounds fun. Sad thing would be, at least with Nova, I would know where he is and how to get ahold of him; with this, there's hardly a chance of that. With (2), it's a similar kind of stock photography job, but working for my uncle specifically, and during the months when Scott would be in SD, presumably waiting to go to Japan for Nova. January-April, I think.

As for me and him, well, like I said: we're not exactly in a relationship, but we still love each other. And he's said it, and made it clear (finally!) exactly what he meant. I don't need to tell him that I still love him, though admittedly, my feelings have changed. We can hang out like normal people/friends, and even sleep together without having sex. That's saying something, IMHO, just because people, given the opportunity to have sex usually will. It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of your brain switching off and your genitals switching on. That's it.

*yawn* In any case, I better get to sleep soon. Damn Squatter Monkeys.

Current Mood: aggravated

Well, so Scott's okay (duh?). Turned out he just had some really bad indigestion that carried over from last night. On top of that, something I should have seen coming... he's dropping Japanese. Truth is, the classroom environment never suited him, but I didn't want to see him quit and give up (he knows and I know that he NEEDS to understand Japanese before he moves out there, no matter what the people at NOVA/GEOS/whatever say). I felt a bit selfish, as he was my only friend in the class, and my excuse for not reaching out to other people. If we ever HAD to do pairs work that I couldn't do alone (which is what I have been doing lately), I would work with him. Why? Because I'm comfortable with him, and I feel like I can help him. He knows me, he knows my attitude and my style, and he's accepted me for who I am. I like that.

But now I'm thrust into this not-so-comfortable position where I should and "have" to make friends, not just because it's what's better for me in the long-run (than waiting until Scott's actually gone, wherever he may end up), but also because Scott and I both know he can't be there for me 24-7 (or whatever else I might want) anyway, even if we did share a class together. So far, two weeks into the school year, we do spend time together and hang out, without the pretense of Japanese. But I want to feel useful, I want to feel like I've helped him out some before I throw everything that's meant anything to me this past year completely out the window.

So anyway, tomorrow I'll (hopefully) be doing my skit alone. It's something simple; a 6-line self-introduction including my name, what I like, what I'm bad at, and what I'm good at, plus your standard "It's nice to meet you!" greeting. Hopefully the sensei will be okay with me doing it alone, given my knowledge of the language and the fact that Scott is dropping the class, and I didn't want him to show up to be in a skit with me, to get a grade that wouldn't matter to him, or worse, to embarrass himself for no reason. If I miss out on 5 points, so what?

Scott came over tonight to tell me this (when I originally thought we were going to study), and that he's also enrolling in a course which I would like and maybe can help him with-- Modern Japanese Culture (I'll need to take it next semester to be applicable for Study Abroad in Japan in Fa/06). One of the textbooks is all about anime, and the class schedule has them watching anime and various Japanese movies practically every week. Nonetheless, learning the language isn't a prerequisite; I suppose Scott's right; he could learn at his own pace with a tutor, or like I did, from reading and watching things and picking up on the nuances of speech and writing. No grade to worry about. :P

I'm pretty bummed that I won't get to see Scott every morning, or that I won't have the excuse of studying with him to spend more time with him. I don't know if the rest of the semester is going to continue at this pace for me, or for him. Scott said something about not having his homework done for Japanese anyway (he always works late nights Sundays; can't do anything about it because of his other classes and his on-campus job working as photo lab tech), so he just stayed in the new Photo Lab with his phone off.

I was so worried (see previous entry), thinking stupid things like what if he'd gotten in an accident, what if he was hurt, what if... and I had no way of knowing for sure or even asking anyone as the hours went by, because I don't have Brett (his friend), Marlene (his roommate) or his mom's phone number(s). If I did and I'd called them before Scott reached me around 1:30pm, I might have blown the whole thing out of proportion and worried many more people than necessary. He did stop by Jamba Juice and reassure me, so when I finally got off work (and admittedly, K wasn't as bad today, but she's still a condescending snot) I called him to let him know I was heading home.

But Grandpa and I had to do some shopping first, and Scott was already there when I got there. Joyce and Neal, who came last night, still weren't back from their deposition regarding their trial against their insurance company (their house was one of the many burned down in the San Diego fires 2 years back). I later found out it was because they were picking up Erin from the airport; she's back from South America and is going to move before she starts school at UCLA next week or so.

Aaand... we come full circle. Now I'm the only one up, my homework's mostly done (minus some reactions for Creative Writing, which I'll do tomorrow in the gap between my classes), and I'm tired and a bit hungry... but I won't eat, because I shouldn't eat after 10pm or whatever. :P I've gotten a few more good reviews for WDKY, and assorted other reviews for other fics... o_O People are strange, I'll say that much. Someone said my story (particularly, "I Know That You Know") was horny. Gwuh? I always thought my most innuendo-laced fic was TJOY!

*yawn* G'night. (I hope I get my Home XP CD tomorrow so I can get my damn laptop working! Oh yeah, when is Studio 8 coming? :O)

Current Mood: tired

Okay, so the following people arrived last night:
* Sally (aunt)
* Joyce (aunt)
* David (cousin, Joyce's son)
* Sammy (cousin, Sally's youngest son)
* Joshua (cousin, Sally's oldest son)

The boys are playing Halo or something right now, as my PS2 is disconnected for the time being... I have to get around to going to the post office and sending the PS2 and chip to Dave, but of course I want to email him first. And I still have to send my bracelet back to Harmonia in Canada, to get it resized.

( The Keys to my Heart )

I've got work in about an hour and 15 minutes, so I might as well get dressed and ready. Blah. And I DON'T want to work closing tomorrow... *sigh*

Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: rapid machine-gunfire

Honestly, I hate WebRing. I liked it when they were with Yahoo!, because everything was easier. But now that Darkness Rising has been suspended from WR, I fixed the website to reflect DR's new home, but the idiotic thing still has me suspended... and I can't get the new code or contact the WR master until I get to the webpage, WHICH KEEPS ON FRACKIN' TIMING OUT FOR NO REASON! It's not me, it's them. Idiots.

And I tried to open up a savings account with a better APY than the one I have with Wamu-- this thing advertised in Oprah magazine (Jill asked me to take a look at it and see what inspired me; she wants to start a magazine for girls ages 15-20 that's not so based on trash talk and celeb hype) by Suze Orman, that blonde lady who's all about Rich WOMEN!!TEHYAY1eleventy-one! Anyway, my application "could not be processed at this time," so now I have to call customer service.

Isn't it weird how I get so resolved to do (or not do) certain things in the middle of the year, rather than at New Year's, when we're "supposed" to? Like, I've decided to join the fitness center and try to swim more often (I didn't go in the pool today at Jill's because it was COLD for me. Nikki and James, my 2nd cousins, were splashing about like fish-- me, I didn't want to get my hair wet) and exercise more.

Okay, so... I've decided to turn WikiFic into the Complete Encyclopedia of Yu-Gi-Oh. The general theme is for fanfic authors, but obviously any dedicated fan would probably find the place useful. The site is pretty much up now and is awaiting submissions... but any and all of them are subject to editing, and of course I don't allow anything controversial or biased (X pairing is better than Y pairing; Anzu is a slut, etc.) I'd appreciate it if people ran their ideas by me before creating accounts and submitting anything.

Obviously I'm still looking to customize the site a bit more, but it's proving to be difficult.

I'm also trying to get back into Fathom/Michael Turner's creations, but he went off and separated from Top Cow in 2002 (3?) and now has Aspen Comics, his own line. I'm trying to figure out how the new Fathom volumes work into the original series which I think I have the completed first volume of, in hardback form. And now there's this new series called Soulfire, and another one called Ekos, and... I'm all confused. (I think what I have is the collected version of Volumes 1-9, with all the alternate covers provided in the back of the book, except the Christmas Cover.)

I also think I'm going to send Dave (of PSX-TECH) back the chip, because everywhere I read, the Crystal Chip doesn't play imports or backups, both of which I require. When Dave "upgraded" me to the Crystal Chip (because the DMS3 was my original order, and the DMS4 is already in production) he did it because I didn't have my PS2 in SF to get a free install... but the CC costs the same (or pretty close) to the DMS3, so it's not like that upgrade really made up for the four-month wait. So now I'll pay the shipping to send the PS2 back to him, but I'll settle for an old chip, so long as it does what I want. I haven't been able to find any local, drop-off places that could install the Crystal Chip anyway, and even if I did, I just don't want the CC anymore. :P

I did eventually go to Jill's today, and it was fun-- I didn't swim, but I had some delish burgers and butter cream cake (I don't know why she always seems to have birthday cake on hand) and Jill and I talked at length about magazines today and what teenage girls and young adult females need-- more than glitz and glam, but inspiration, motivation, and stories and people they can relate to. We might try and put something together, but as excited as I am, I wouldn't really know where to start. Still, I have ideas for layout (Publisher or Adobe) and printing (Jill's house, HP High-Gloss paper), and even articles (I've got enough experience and friends to be able to talk a lot, don't you think?), so we'll see.

As for me and Scott... well, there's no romantic relationship. We're not together, and I know this, and he knows this. But you can't really "regret" decisions like that, you can only wonder or wish you knew what it would be like if things turned out differently. And as always, we're taking these slowly and seeing where they go. We still care for each other, maybe even love each other still (he's kind of unclear with his feelings in direct words, I don't want to jinx what we DO have, so I don't say anything... but on the flipside, when I'm not around him or contacting him so much, the feeling DOES fade).

He didn't want to contact me as much because it would be going back on the whole idea of HIM breaking up with me, which was to the point that we didn't have time for each other (read: him for me) or that he couldn't be the boyfriend I wanted (case: true). But he knows that's bunk, because friends (even with benefits) do contact each other and hang out, because otherwise they aren't friends at all. So... he will call me. And it's not like he was doing nothing the past few days-- he's gotten more hours at work, he's been "promoted" to Guest Services (a much bigger, more comfortable deal at Pac Theatres than it ever was at AMC) and he's been hanging out with people (birthday parties), scouting for a roommate/apartment... So he HAS been busy.

But... well, it's not like I'm so desperate to hang out with him, it's the feeling of hanging out with anyone. I don't have any friends down here, and in times like these when it's slow at work and all I want is for school to start, I'd like someone to hang out with. Scott used to be that person I could devote my energy to 24/7, but I can't anymore, and I've had to reconcile that fact with my reality. When I do see him, it's great because we can talk about what we've both been up to, how things are with the people we care about, and we're just HAPPY to see each other. There's no obligation for either of us... though truthfully, I am going to be sad on Sept. 1, which would have been our 1-year anniversary. It would have been nice to get to that point and be surprised with a nice gift. (He bought Baba and Grandpa a bouquet of daisies and a card for their 60th Wedding Anniversary this weekend!)

It's hard for me to really see the "freedom" that this new relationship of ours offers (even though I can preach about the bonuses of a casual sexual relationship, the few in my history did NOT end well emotionally), and it does feel almost like we're starting over. We've got the great part of our relationship (the attraction, the curiosity, the feeling, the intensity... and yes, the sex) without the arguments over his time, where he is or who he's with, and whether or not I'm still important to him. I never ask my friends if I'm important to them, it's just something I accept as KNOWING, and that's the way I'm going to trust it to be with Scott. Scott's got a bit of a guilt issue with this, because he doesn't want to think he's obligated to be with me, to make me happy just because he broke up with me and hurt me so much. I don't want him to feel that way either, and I don't want to feel obligated to spend time with him (though I always look forward to it, so I don't imagine I COULD feel obligated, like it was a chore). I don't want him to feel guilty about what we do (there's not much "saying" things that he could take back or "regret," like he did in our relationship) so... again, it's just about taking things one step at a time. I still plan on wowing him when I walk into class on the first day of school (leather pants, boots, sheer white-and-black floral printed blouse with a tattoo on my lower back) and MAYBE even inciting the attention of some other people (Scott said he would be jealous if other guys started looking at me... *grin* As mean as it is, that makes me happy)... or maybe just making some friends. :P

Anyway, I've got work... er, again, later today (1:30-7... bastards are cutting me off from a 30 minute break AGAIN!) and then closing (AUGH!!!) on Saturday. Hopefully I'll hear from Jamba CSUN on Saturday, and then I have a few days off... and within the next two weeks, a transfer, a new job application (Red Robin) filed, and then SCHOOL! YAY!

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: TV

Six years ago today-- on a Saturday, too, in fact, I got the worst news a ten year old could receive in her life. My half-sister Michelle died six years ago, and it changed who I was forever. I'm a different person because of it-- for better or for worse, and for the first time in all that time, I went to the place where she died.

It's called Land's End, and is basically a rounded cliffside that drops-- over 200 feet-- right into the Pacific Ocean. When Michelle died, it was shocking... unexpected, to say the least. She might have only been my half-sister, but she meant the world to me, and I had a hard time expressing it, because I was so childish. Like all people who lose someone, I had a million and one regrets-- things I wish I could have said, or could have taken back. I wish I could have apologized for that stupid argument the night before, wished I could have thanked her for all she'd ever done for me, and told her, above all, that I loved her.

Six years later, I'm still sad, but I guess the need to hide my sadness and loneliness isn't so great. My sister was the only one I could relate to about a lot of things, was the only one I could talk to when I had problems with boys, or mom, or my own friends. My mom didn't understand any of that.

When Michelle died, I felt the need to be strong for my mom-- not show any weakness. People passed by us, offering their apologies and condolences, but it all seemed so empty then. I kind of get irritated even now, when people get nervous just *asking* me about my sister, or when they do find out about her dying, say "sorry," as if it were their fault. I suppose it's only natural to react that way, since people who haven't experienced loss at such a young age (Michelle was only 19) don't know what to say-- they couldn't have known how it felt.

Over the years, there's a lot of things I wish I could talk to Michelle about... things I wish I could simply ask her, or maybe tell her. It tears at my conscience to try and imagine her voice in my head, and not come up with anything solid. All I have are memories, and they mean so much to me, good and bad alike.

When my sister died, there only seemed to be two people in my life who cared that *I* had lost someone too- my dad and my then-crush/boyfriend (if you can call it that in 5th grade, but that's another story), Chris. Chris is probably in Santa Cruz right now, doesn't even remember what DAY this is-- and we parted on bad terms, so I can't expect anything on his end. But I do kind of wish, even with all the hostility between my father and I that he would have called me today.

Even if he doesn't, in the last forty-five minutes there are LEFT of this day, I know that I take comfort in at least knowing that I *have* a father, whether he talks to me, thinks about me, cares about me at all, or not. I hope that he does call me one day-- or maybe write.

I know my sister didn't like him much-- even convinced me several times that my father was a downright bad person-- but now that both of them are out of my life, and Michelle is gone on a permanent basis, I can't help but want to talk to my father. If something happened to him, I'd still feel loss... regardless of us not talking in so long.

I'm glad my boyfriend was with me today. I found myself apologizing and saying thank you more times than I thought I would, and I especially thought he'd be uncomfortable with the whole idea of being with me on a day that held significance only for my mother and myself. We took a long walk all the way past the beach to Land's End, and just sat there for a while. I'm not ashamed anymore to say that I cried... I missed my sister, was angry at the world for taking her away from me, and was angry at myself for not saying what I should have that day six years ago. But the one thing that stays in my mind-- all this time-- is that you never know how much someone means to you until they are gone.

People hear that all the time, and never take it seriously enough. But it's true. People may lose grandparents, or distant relatives who die of old age, but when someone as young and close to you as a sister is suddenly *ripped* from your life, it's a greater shock than anyone can imagine. I told my boyfriend to go home today and tell his sister that he loved her. Even if she was mad, even if it didn't sound like he meant it, it would matter to her-- it would COUNT, in the end, regardless of how many days, weeks, months, or years passed between him saying that and the inevitability of death. 'It's the thought that counts' has never had more significance than now. So, unlike my other rant-like entries, I ask you, dear reader-- go home today-- or if you are home, leave this page, get up, and find a family member. Be it a mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, aunt, uncle... anyone. Walk up to them, hug them as tight as the both of you can stand, and tell them you love them. There doesn't need to be any celebration, or any explanation. But just telling them will make the day a bit brighter... even if it doesn't seem that way.

Current Mood: sad

Anger can be a very positive thing. So can stress. But sometimes, you can't just stop those little gremlins in your head that whisper about THROTTLING that certain annoying mother's boyfriend... hehe...

Anyway, I went to my friend's play on Saturday night. He was very good, though he didn't show up till the end of the first act. But he did have the lead male role, so he made up for it all in the second act. I did feel guilty that I didn't get him any kind of congratulatory present (it was the closing night) or a belated present (been broke) but he was sooo good, I forgot about it.

Anyway, as stated by the title of this entry, I mention the evil know-it-all boyfriend from hell. I asked my mom to come with me to this play, because my friend likes my mother a lot, and they have a lot in common, media-appreciation wise. And I wanted to do something, even something as silly as seeing a school play, with JUST my mom for once, right before my birthday. What does she go and do? You guessed it-- she invites the boyfriend! To top it off, she explains that if I'm going to be at a convention all the weekend of the 26th to the 28th, she'll need company-- on the last day of the convention, when there's practically nothing to do, and I wanted her to come to Great America with me, as a belated B-day celebration, but she AGAIN invited the boyfriend-- and his daughter, whom I can loudly say I DO NOT LIKE VERY MUCH!

Anyway, at this play, all he did was criticize the cast members-- except my friend, which I was thankful for, otherwise I would have just changed seats entirely. And even though I'd wanted to try out for the lead, I heard from some girl in my history class that the [white] teacher was looking for people of a minority to play the lead... which made no sense to me considering whites ARE a minority in my school! Regardless, the part went to an acting vet (who probably made 88% of her parts because she's a tall blonde with a figure) who's been in drama since she started. She's got acting talent, but singing is out of her league. Still, I know she's good, because I've auditioned with her before. Still, all mom's evil BF could do was complain about how she was never on key, missed seven notes... there was a scene when some people applauded after a particular singing act of hers, but I figured they didn't all clap because they were SMART enough to know the scene wasn't over right after she sang. There were some technical difficulties anyway that made it harder for her to sing loudly and project, and even when she did, sometimes the orchestra overpowered her.

His daughter is an opera singer at a prestigious, opt-in school, and is probably going to be attending some expensive, conservatory of music and theater or what not. -_- She's nice and all, but spoiled rotten. Anyway, so I figured he was comparing my school's lack of talent to his precious daughter's school, and that made me mad, even if he was right on some level. But he was insulting the school-- which he graduated from! I know my school doesn't have the best resources, students, or teachers, but we try, and people DID enjoy the performance.

I ended up taking out all my stress on DOOM II, firing rockets like crazy. Maybe after today's stress with school I'll do the same in DOOM II's secret levels, where I can blast some Nazis to high heaven... hehehe... ^^

Current Mood: aggravated

Okay, by many, I am considered somewhat of a tech expert. I have found myself with the uncanny ability to hack into a school system (but not change grades), reprogram computers, take apart a hard drive, install a PCI chip, get past my mom's password on the Internet, and modify Microsoft Word so that it types in three languages at once.

Some of this is probably ridiculously simple to most, but then again, there is a limit to my abilities. Case in point: when I was working for my father, he blamed me for not having a backup of a certain HTML file that brought the whole web page down when the server crashed. I've never forgiven him for blaming me for something that is totally not my fault. What's more, he expected me to know three programming languages (I don't know ANY) so that his page could be in Korean! I don't KNOW Korean!

Everyone has his or her faults, yes? Well, this hacker-techie-wannabe has hers. My Windows Me computer at home has been acting more than a little fritzy lately, what with it booting up showing my old desktop, saying "Not enough memory" to run a non-existent program, and going into the Internet when there were messages on the phone line.

Not to mention all my HTML, DOC, and TXT files got turned into gibberish, I can't listen to anything besides WMA, RM, RAM, and WAV files (so much for those 316 MP3s) and, and... ;_; Waaah! Well, it all culminated into one big reboot last weekend, and I must have done *something* stupid in Setup, because now, I can't even get past the "VCI message" at the start-up-- rather, there's this thing about having an ATAPI BOOT CD, and not having any bootable media. I talked to Tech Support, and they said they would send the proper fix-it disk in two weeks. TWO WEEKS!? NOOOooooo!!

The only place I can use computers is school (here) so... yeah, that sucks. But I guess this is my just rewards for not turning in so much stuff to school, letting my grades slip and all... ;_; I have to learn my lesson, clean my room, Feng Shui my life... yeah.

Anyway, the newspaper has gone frooey again, since the tech teach increased the drive space to 30 MB (FINALLY). But until he de-networks these computers, we can't risk revising it again-- we can't save our works on floppies (incompatible) so we're stuck another week or more... waiting. Next year, a more energetic teacher is supposed to take over, but he wants to rename the paper "The Eagle's Post." WHAAAAT!? Hell, no! What's more, he wants to move the classroom (currently separated into a full class and a small office) to a non-secure bungalow (that ALWAYS gets wet when it rains)! It has taken me SOOO fu*king long to organize the archives in here, with old issues of the paper, yearbooks, textbooks, files, and computers. This room is my BABY, and even if I graduate next year, I want to do it with a BANG! and I'm not letting another airheaded teacher ruin it for me! YAH!

Current Mood: crushed

1. I WILL clean my room before my birthday (4.14)

2. I WILL get a 2.5+ GPA before February 15th, if it is possible, regardless of the idiocy and lack of ability in my teachers.

3. I WILL pay off my debt to Columbia House, because I want to have a mostly-spotless credit record for college.

4. I WILL make up my mind about where I want to go to college-- and make that decision for the right reasons. I won't go to a college to follow a guy, or get away from my mom, or be with my friends. I will be selfish for once, and for good reasons.

5. I WILL go to Fanime and Cosplay (dress up) as Kagome Higurashi from Inuyasha. I'll do whatever it takes to make a costume, because some pointless and difficult tasks aren't once you master them.

6. I WILL get a boyfriend before I graduate, and remain the one wearing the pants. No guy is going to boss me about or make me his "love slave."

7. I WILL go out and do more with my mom-- because I never want to lose her to pettiness, the way "I lost my dad" to stupidity.

8. I WILL get my Sailormoon artbooks back, moth-eaten or not, from my dad, because he has no right to keep my stuff hostage.

9. I WILL succeed in Senior Journalism, because I know it's what I love, what I like, and what I can do. I will turn in articles, get along with people in the class, not nag the teacher, and get everything done.

10. I WILL get along with my classmates, because come the class of 2003 reunion, I'll be the one surrounded by friends, while the idiots that have made my life hell will be alone, crying, and covered in super-sticky-punch.

11. I WILL eat healthier and exercise more, because even if I am as white as Casper, sunburn too easily, am as freckled as a Dalmatian, and wear glasses, being able to run a mile is something every teenager should be able to do.

That's all for now... but I WILL think of more. ^.~

Current Mood: determined

Well, ho ho ho! It's actually December 26th, at 12:34 in the morning. I can't help it, on breaks my internal clock is off. O.O;;

So, how was your holiday? For me, it wasn't much of one. Unless holidays are constituted of guilt, feelings of remorse, worthlessness, and the occasional rude snipe about Mom's boyfriend and his family.

Don't get me wrong, I normally try to get in spirit and all-- but if someone asked me, "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you like the holidays?" I'd have to say three. (How low can you go!) By Christmas Eve, I'd only had time and money to get my mom one thing. We normally both hate the holidays, because we end up making food for people that don't deserve it-- people who mother claims are "friends" but don't even know how to spell our names correctly. (GRR) I end up getting mad at myself for not having enough gifts for my friends, or worrying if my cookies that I annually bake for everyone (and I KNOW they are damn good-- after the fact) are edible.

Come Christmas Eve, I'm in a frump-- Mom's invited her bf over, along with his entire family. At first, I didn't mind Mom having a bf-- but she always fed me the same excuse-- "my friends think I'm doing so well now, that I'm social and everything." Pardonez moi? My sister died in 1996-- that's 5, count 'em 5 years ago! Not that I'm saying "get over it" or anything-- but normal people do move on after 5 years, right? Sure, they reminisce, they mope, they even cry from time to time-- but my mother sounds like a damned rehab patient! And what about me?! I can never forget that I was ALL ALONE at my sister's funeral, and I was only 10. Middle school went miserably the next three years, and high school is looking worse. I seem to have more enemies than friends, and I tend to be more suicidal than I'd like.

*Ahem* But back on topic. (<.>) So Mom's bf is this Einsteinish guy-- he actually LOOKS like frizzball, but he's all about sociology. Still earning some kind of graduate degree. He has a spoiled daughter who's traveled *all* over the world because of her "wonderful operatic voice." Yes, her voice is nice, but I hate it when my mother makes friends (or tries to make ME make friends) with people who are airheads about what real life is like.

And who am *I* to talk-- the girl who actually HAD a Christmas, who can afford to fly on planes and travel? Hah... I should be thinking of the poor children in some third-world country, shouldn't I? Worrying about the fate of someone who could care less about me... I know it sounds selfish of me when I say stuff like this, but I'm NOT those people. I can't help them the way I am now. Sure, I'm better off than them, but so are the rest of oh, EVERYONE in the US-- even the homeless people in big cities.

So on Christmas, I'm wishing I were somewhere other than home-- I'd even told my mom that much, because I didn't eat (she made TOFU TURKEY!! GAAH) and the bf's daughter isn't exactly attentive, or fun. Not to mention she's a know-it-all senior at an Opt-In Arts school in a classy neighborhood of the city.

Mom's kinda mad at me when we get home from dinner tonight, because in the car, BF-boy wanted to analyze something ELSE sociologically. >_< Why can't people be happy with their own lives, and stop interfering with others where it isn't ridiculously necessary? What's more, my mother seems to live to make me feel embarrassed about my life-- she tells people about my messy room, my "slight" (and I do mean SLIGHT) ability to speak Japanese and Hebrew, and my rudeness-- such as barging into a plant.

"You'll hurt the plant," She says, while cuddling up to BF on the couch. Gah, I want to BARF!

When my Dad was with someone, I was jealous at first, because there was suddenly no time for me. I eventually got used to her, even liked her to the point I called her "Mini-Mom." They got engaged; I was happy. Then she had an affair-- and things fell through. My dad was pretty much a jackass from that point on-- getting rid of my dog, moving from place to place... and I don't speak to him anymore. I don't want that to happen with my mom.

She seems to like BF's family... and I suppose they're okay, it's Oink-oink BF that I don't like. He's a know-it-all, rude, disgusting idiot who lives to rub it in that he's spending more time with my mom than me! I try to tell my mom, hey, I'm feeling left out here... but she is tuned out. I think inside, she wants BF's family to be a replacement for her mostly-dead family. She pulls a teary act around me, and immediately, I'm as guilty as sin.

I love her for thinking of me-- from time to time. And it's not the material things that count, but I appreciate those anyway. But I want the mom back that died when my sister did-- the one that was there for ME too... even if it meant sharing her with a sister. But not a boyfriend, a daughter, and two seniors. No, my mom is just that-- MINE.

Sorry if I got off topic... I had to do my annual X-Mas rant. Knowing my life, there'll be a New Year's one too. See you.

Current Mood: annoyed

The world seems to have gone all awry on me in the course of one week. I can't blame it on anyone in particular, the way the San Francisco Examiner does in their Wednesday morning issue, with the bold headline of "BASTARDS!".

This whole World Trade Center/Pentagon/Pennsylvania issue has become a sort of global phenomena-- my friends online that I do not know face to face are performing "roll call" to check up on everyone; some are shutting down their websites in order to assist with blood donation, grief support, medical relief, and debris clean-up. I've been flooded with "are you ok?" emails from groups that formerly served only to annoy me with their junk mail.

My friend in class, who formerly could only think of her boyfriend in New York (a fact which I forgot about on Wednesday) and sex was suddenly fascinated by this event.

My mother was busy trying to call all her relatives-- all living on the East coast in relative proximity to the explosions. I'm still worried about my baby cousin, cousins removed, and aunts/uncles.

I can't do anything about any of these situations, and today, things only got worse. It started in the morning, when I was flooded with homework I forgot I had and didn't have the textbooks for. Then in my 2nd period Chem, I spilled some wite-out on myself, and when the guy next to me (formerly a nice, yet egotistical) started laughing. I wiped a smidgen (emphasis on smidgen there) on his shirt sleeve and he went berserk. Okay, so I shouldn't have reacted to him laughing the way I did; look at it from my POV: I've been an outcast all my life. I got sick of being laughed at, taunted and teased all throughout elementary and middle school. Losing my sister effectively made me a "bitch" but I try not to overdo it. But when people laugh at me, I'm torn between wanting to rip their heads off or run away crying.

In 6th grade gym, there were these two jerks. Coincidentally, they had the same initials to which I will refer them by: JA (Present Tense Note: Judd Anderson and Jesse Anderson, for the uninformed; no relation to each other as far as I knew). Both JAs were taunting me about the loss of my sister, saying "bet they never found the body" and "if they did, it musta been a gorilla's body". I easily could have beaten them both into a bloody pulp, but telling them to shut up was enough for the moment. But they persisted, so I ran out, crying, heedless of the yells of the idiotic substitute. Since then, and since my sister's death, I've (sadly?) forced myself to not cry in front of ANYONE if I can help it. Maybe it's sexist, but I'm not a guy or anything who believes that it's not "manly" to cry. I just don't want to. It shows weakness. Leaves you open to attack.
I want to be physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally strong so I won't ever run away crying again. So I won't blow up at the people I care about and ruin precious friendships.

I have some good friends whose lives seem a hell of a lot better than mine do 99.9% of the time. It makes me depressed and often suicidal. Somehow, I always find the bright side of matters. This week, it's been a bit hard to do.

My friend's boyfriend is in NY. Out of harm's way, but since they're separated (a'la "Friends" I guess) the guy wants to see another girl, the same age as my friend. Now, my friend uses her ex-bf's screenname, and today, the girl her boy wants to ask out (Can you believe it!? How cruel!) IMd her. At first, she didn't know who my friend was, but later, she said she knew who she was. Asked ridiculous, rude, and often pointless questions regarding the relationship, and why my friend still hung onto her ex. My friend was half-crying, half-screaming. But I've never had a real bf, even if I've "felt real love" before. So the best I could do was say "If I were you..."

One of HER friends is pregnant with her ex's baby. That ex wants the girl to have an abortion, but the girl doesn't want to. She's still in love with her ex, who is now involved with another girl. My friend suggested she get a lawyer/doctor to help her out, and ensure that the guy supports her no matter what. Even if she still loves him, it's both their responsibilities-- for the girl, and for the baby. Right?

The world is erring on itself. People are angry. I don't know what to do.

Current Mood: frustrated

"Do you have any brothers or sisters? How do you think they have affected your life? Are you a different person because of them?"

Ehh... dorky title, I know. Oh well. Better than "This Week's Theme." I was waiting for one I could actually write about, because I've pretty much shorted out all my rants and raves, now that school is out and I squirmed myself out of that blasted summer program. I already complained about the obtuseness of my parent's minds, so here we go...

I USED to have a sister. Older sister, by 8 years. Her name was Michelle, and was born on January 21, 1977. She was technically only my half sister, seeing as we both had different dads.
I remember how she used to say she hated me because I had a dad. Sometimes my dad was really nice, and her jealousy was obvious. But I was the squirt; in my eyes, she had much better perks, being older, first-born that kinda thing. She'd also sometimes mention why my mom and dad were divorced- my dad was a jackass who couldn't control himself.

Now that I think about that, I'm thinking it really applies to both of my parents. But my mom wasn't as different back then as she is now. Maybe she's "gotten better" a little bit. But she's still angry, lonely, and... angry. I can't speak for her, but that's what I think. Just typical of me to think that she missed Michelle more than she would had it been me.

Why all the past tense? My sister is dead. If you couldn't tell. I don't mean to be horrifically blunt -well, actually, I guess I do- but I don't mind talking about my sister. Heck, that's why I'm writing this, right?
But that's off on a tangent. How has she affected my life? When she was alive, she was my role model. She taught me by words, by actions. What to do and what not to do. I had the opportunity to observe from her mistakes. Maybe I learned a little bit, maybe I didn't.

I think she made the biggest impact on me when she died, July 20th, 1996. "The Year Of Hell", as I nicknamed it. The year right before I went into middle school. You see, I was counting on Michelle -Mickey, as I called her- for advice. But one weekend I spent with my dad and his girlfriend of almost 7 years turned into so much havoc-- my mother crying hysterically over the phone, my dad's almost angry and shocked voice as he called my house (which I still live in) to find out what was wrong. When I finally got called back inside, I knew -KNEW- that something bad had happened. I tried to smile, ask if she had just broken her leg or something. She'd been in accidents before -loved biking to the extent of getting hit by someone who opened their car door right into her- but always came out fine. But not this time.

She decided to go hiking with her friend Rayanna at the Land's End. Its name tells you everything, doesn't it? It literally is Land's End - ~~an opening in rock, like a cave. Near Cliff House~~ a cliff that just cuts off. My dad told me it was this cave near Cliff House that we'd once gone to, but I found out it was further northwest, in what is now a roped-off area north of Ocean Beach, in San Francisco, CA. The wonderful idiots of the Park & Rec service didn't put a fence between the cliff edge and the rocks ... or the craggy beach some 200 feet below. She fell.

For months I tormented myself-- I regretted not saying anything to her before I left, didn't tell her to be careful, or that I loved her, appreciated her, and needed her to be there for me. People think that you can't truly connect on any similar level with older people. I couldn't with my mom at the time, and still can't. I could with my sister.

She was about to enter her 2nd year of college. She wanted a promising career in film making. She was good at it, too. Weird, but enthusiastic, passionate, and intelligent.

My 6th grade English teacher was my personal hero the year after that. She helped me develop a "diary" of sorts-- "to Michelle" that I would give to my Mom. I didn't work on it as much as I should have, but I finally finished it and gave the green spiral notebook to my mom; she loved it.

I dedicated every story I wrote to her. "An Angel". I'd never been very religious; I celebrated more Jewish holidays than Christian, even though my semi-Christian mother was the one I lived with 5 days a week. I visited my family in Los Angeles/San Diego more often, because everyone from my dad's side was rich, "normal" and lived on the West Coast. My mom's side, from what I heard, was not that well off, a bit messed up in the head, and all scattered on the East Coast. That part hasn't changed. Even though I'm technically not Jewish, my mom not being of the religion, and me refusing to get a bat mitzvah because I'd have to transfer schools to learn Hebrew...

But both me and my mom are different people now. It's hard to believe how much someone can mean to you-- even when you fight with them every day, argue... ignore them, envy them. People have asked me if I have siblings, and almost automatically, I reply yes, an older sister. But now, I have to say, "No, I'm an Only Child." It's a very lonely title. "Lonely Child" is more like it. I guess I lost a lot of my youth when I lost my sister. She was helping me grow up AND stay young. She paved the way for my future-- she helped me learn to act, sing, and write webpages and stories. She's my "Guardian Angel", no matter what religion I am. But I find it hard to remember her face exactly, or her voice.

I've been asked, if you had the chance to live in paradise for one year, would you, knowing that you wouldn't remember any of it afterwards? What is more important, the memories of the experience or the actual experience? In my opinion, it is the memories. Life IS memories. Memories are vivid, memories are forever. Memories cannot be taken away from you, even if you fall into a coma or get amnesia. They exist within you, even if you try to forget. I've also been asked, if you could go back to any point in time and change a decision you made, what would it be, and why? It's a one way trip; you have no chance to fix any mistakes you make, and if you "correct" your decision, the future in front of you is more likely than not vastly different from the one you know.

I thought that I'd find a way to "save" my sister, but such is the power of God. Like I said, I'm not religious, but things are meant to happen, right? Destiny, fate? Maybe. I'd like to think I plot my own destiny, but my sister is not me, and thus I cannot save her destiny from however she makes it to be. But I could fix my regrets. Say goodbye, tell her how much she means to me. If I knew then what I know now... I'd be the same, just a bit less guilty and suicidal.

She hasn't made me hate myself, or make me wish (too much) that it had been me. She's given me a chance to be independent and free-minded, just like she was. She succeeded, and thanks to her, I believe that I will too.
Maybe it's weird that her old piano (out of tune) is like a shrine to her, with photos, poems, and the funeral cards scattered around her urn, but it helps us remember-- the good and the bad come hand in hand.
Such is the way of life.

Current Mood: nostalgic

...It's modest.
I'm little miss spotlight, center-stage, Aries-and-damn-proud-of-it-too, what-you-gotta-problem-with-me-say-it-to-my face, real wild child. *out of breath*
But when someone says you gotta work on your attitude...

Situation #1:
The standard Friend A, Friend B, Friend C. A is friends with C, but not B. B is also friends with A, but not C. C talks shit about B behind B's back-- to A. I'm B, my best friend is A, and this guy I call "Eric* of the Hair" (* I did change his name... I'm not that sadistic) is C. Now, My friend's b'day is coming up, and I don't want to ruin it. Hell, I hate my cousins, but I still put on a mask and act nice around them. I can pull it off at her party too, yes? Weirdness is, I don't know why I don't like this guy. He bugs me, he's immature, sure, but I used to be crushing on him! Elch! Why do people fight and then forget what they fought for?

Situation #2: (see previous entry)
I really don't feel like getting beaten into a bloody pulp again just because I've got a 'tude. Besides, 9 times outta 10, I don't even know I do.

There's this saying: Once you accept who you are, you can try to change. But then, I've never really liked myself. I've sorta always grown up with the "someone's better than me"/"why bother reaching for the stars if you land in the gutter anyways?"/"nobody likes me, everybody hates me" thing going on. That's why I am a self-proclaimed loner. I work better alone, and several of my so-called friends are just like me: outcasts in their own little respects, the oddballs in the group. None of us accepted, but all as one. Kinda like an oversized Musketeer Group.

So, I "proudly" call myself a skinny little bitch, but I'm really wondering if I am. I don't think I *need* to be likable, but I know that if I keep being all depressing/loner-ish/angsty/whatever, I'll end up on Prozac and be forced to work in groups all the time.

Life has shown me that there is no such thing as an easy way out, or shortcuts. No backtracking, this train is one-way. But if you want to change, is sort of like taking a few steps backwards. Pause, lose a turn, rethink the mistake you made and do-over. Can I do that?

I got accepted into this summer program (which, thus far, has caused me nothing but trouble). Apparently, I got in because I cried at the interview. I opened up. But afterwards, I didn't have a clue as to what I did or said that got me in. I didn't care much, either. At this big dinner, alums of the program were saying the whole thing was geared towards "underprivileged" kids, and while I am aware that such kids exist, I never thought of myself as one. I mean, with people calling you a spoiled rotten brat...

In the long run, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, with myself saying, why the hell should I change for others? The little bookworm on my head says, because in the real world, acting like a bitch doesn't cut it. Then she whacks me on the head with a squeaky mallet. There's the one that just goes 'eh' and lets life keep flowing, and the little angel who says, 'maybe you should give it a try... you never know what blessings you may get...'

So... *sigh* If there's anything I'm not... it's decisive.

Current Mood: indecisive

Some people think I'm a bitch, even a shallow one. Forgive the language, people, but it's the truth. Since I have been around 10, I sort of pushed other people away. Some great, patient people, managed to push their way through my invisible bubble and stand up to me, ask me why the hell I was so seclusive, and they became my friends. Everyone else makes it a point to stay away from me.

Of course, there's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this. On July 20th, 1996, my older sister died. In a hiking accident, on a cliff that wasn't very well fenced off. It changed everyone in my family's life forever.

My mom was never as fun to be around. Hardly spontaneous, and never the one to suggest to "eat out", "watch a movie" or anything. Her life became her bedroom, revolving solely around the X-Files. I had been with my dad and his live-in girlfriend when I found out. He was supposed to be the one "comforting" me and all that. Seeing as my sister wasn't his daughter, he apparently didn't think he had to do much of that. When he wasn't not there for me, he was with me, once, when my cousins wanted to go out to eat. Even then, he wasn't all that comforting. He called my sister stupid for what she did, after the fact, and right when no one wanted to hear it. But I suppose considering, his life when downhill from there too.

As far as I'm concerned, I had it the worse. I always held my sister on a pedestal. She taught me morals; principles; everything I know about computers that I didn't teach myself; all about Japanese culture, my #1 passion; how to read, write, send letters, get guys-- EVERYTHING. Like any human, she erred some times. But even after we fought, I still loved her so much. It's hard to think I can barely remember her voice. I tried so hard to be the support for my mom, and that's when my "cycle of destruction" began. I figured I was needed too much by others to let myself feel anything. I lost someone very dear to me without even knowing it. Not just myself, but someone I had grown to love so deeply, that it was hard to recognize as anything beyond friendship. But he was there for me, and I never acknowledged that. I can't now, now that he's moved away.
But after that year, dubbed Year of Hell, I withdrew into myself, albeit the fact I made more friends. But I made even more enemies, and the reputation I had had since middle school worsened. I always had made it a point before to befriend younger students so they would look up at ME as a role model, the same way I did to my sister, but I was too twisted to become anything more than a bad example. I was violent, rude, abrasive, secluded, dark and angry. Part of me still is. I guess I did what I told everyone not to do, and bottled up all my emotions. I have learned, unconsciously, to pinch my wrist before I cry, to bite my lip before I shout, and to punch myself before I speak hurtful words. Yet I somehow manage to do all of them anyway, just as unconsciously.

Without my "role model" who had many a dark secret herself, I found out after her death, I was someone I would have been afraid of in my younger days. My mom revealed a secret of her own, one that I believed would have shamed my late sister. I hated her because of that. It was like dishonoring her memory.

My family died at a rapid rate after that. My grandmother, my aunts, an uncle. One of my youngest baby cousins was left without a father. All of my remaining relatives were slowly losing their sanity, what little they had left after so much devastation.

And throughout it all, I wondered, these visions where I knew that death was coming... would I be next? I always seemed to be able to see bad things happening, and not always to my family. It was true for my family, but also true for someone who I love dearly. He didn't die, but he hurt himself badly, and I knew he would. But I was too afraid, too in love to tell him. Not that I could have prevented it either way, I'm sure. But I still wonder, if I continue to have these flashes of foreboding, will I be next?

Current Mood: gloomy

Many people on this planet have divorced, single parents. I'm "lucky" enough to be one of them. Okay, that was a lame joke, but some people think it's better to have parents that are separated and fight all the time rather than parents that are together and fight all the time. Maybe it's just personal opinion talking here, but at least when a couple is married, they can still go to counseling or what not. But my parents have been divorced since I was less than 2 feet high, and I never had any problem with the "best of both worlds" deal-- until now.

The deal is, my dad apparently hasn't been paying child support or whatever. My mom's single, working full-time, on a pretty mediocre salary in a pretty pricey city. My dad is 50-some-odd miles up north, in a smaller town, living in a studio he's not supposed to be living at in the first place. So recently, because of all the prices going up (electricity, rent, etc.) my mom's been haggling the bureau to get my dad to fork over some cash. She gets the papers she has been wanting for weeks, the ones from the bureau about my dad's "payments" over the years. She runs in to the room I'm in, distraught, because she says my dad claimed to have paid for my elder sister's funeral back in 1996. I know for a fact that he didn't-- he actually drove the cost of the funeral up more with the flowers and expensive urn he bought. So I was rather upset at him, and since he never bothers to call, I conveyed my feelings through an email.

Parents have this ability to upset their kids in such a way that it scars them for life. My dad managed to "yell" at me so much via the email-- despite the fact that I had good grades, and other than a few problems with a laptop he had given me a while back (*for work, but that's another messed story), life was okay. I never wrote back. That was two days ago. I haven't seen him in 2 1/2 months. He supposedly gave my dog away to some ranch in Oregon, because a) my dog was old and my dad couldn't take care of him b) he was expensive to take care of, and my dad didn't even have a house. Keeping him in the kennel was costing him a price close to a month's rent. But lately, I can't believe him. I wonder if my dog got put to sleep. I never got to say goodbye, and I can never forgive him for that.

But I'm caught in this trap, with my mom upset and having a hard time pulling through every damn month, life not being "peachy" here. My dad yells at me, lies, and is broke, but I still miss him. People want to know about my dad, about my family, and I don't know what to say. That my life is one big tragedy after another? That I have hardly any family left? My mom used to threaten me with "Why don't you go live with your dad?" but I never retorted back. Both of us knew I could never leave my home for the past 15 years, my friends, my whole life. It's like playing Jenga and taking out all of the bottom blocks-- you watch the whole thing just all... fall... down. I'm still caught in this trap, in this game. I know I'm not alone out here. But it sure feels like it.

Current Mood: angry

Profile

azurite

Seventh-Star.Net

Syndicate

Style Credit

Style: Plain for Tabula Rasa

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

January 2016

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
					1	2
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31

Page Summary

Page generated Jul. 13th, 2025 07:55 am

MILES to GO || before I sleep

lovely // dark // deep

Entries tagged with family

Inept.

Get up and move that body!

Somebody set us up the bomb

CRASH!

Terriffic!

Collab48

AjayCool is NOT so cool.

(no subject)

Thanksgiving, the mag formerly known as Takuhai, and then some

Looks like Lah Johl-lah, sounds like Lah Hoy-ah!

The stitches eleven come out tomorrow, huzzah, huzzah!

I guess I neglected to mention this earlier

The gang's all here. (Why do I feel like I've had this subject line before?)

The operation timed out while trying to contact the website. Oh well.

Only A Memory Away

Anger can be positive

Oops, I Did It Again (quite literally, too)

Mid-January Resolutions

Merry what?

Confoozled, Bamboozled, Helpless

Sibling Spirit

If There's One Thing I'm Not...

Dark and Gloomy Past

The Parent Trap