If There's One Thing I'm Not...
May. 18th, 2001 11:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azurite...It's modest.
I'm little miss spotlight, center-stage, Aries-and-damn-proud-of-it-too, what-you-gotta-problem-with-me-say-it-to-my face, real wild child. *out of breath*
But when someone says you gotta work on your attitude...
Situation #1:
The standard Friend A, Friend B, Friend C. A is friends with C, but not B. B is also friends with A, but not C. C talks shit about B behind B's back-- to A. I'm B, my best friend is A, and this guy I call "Eric* of the Hair" (* I did change his name... I'm not that sadistic) is C. Now, My friend's b'day is coming up, and I don't want to ruin it. Hell, I hate my cousins, but I still put on a mask and act nice around them. I can pull it off at her party too, yes? Weirdness is, I don't know why I don't like this guy. He bugs me, he's immature, sure, but I used to be crushing on him! Elch! Why do people fight and then forget what they fought for?
Situation #2: (see previous entry)
I really don't feel like getting beaten into a bloody pulp again just because I've got a 'tude. Besides, 9 times outta 10, I don't even know I do.
There's this saying: Once you accept who you are, you can try to change. But then, I've never really liked myself. I've sorta always grown up with the "someone's better than me"/"why bother reaching for the stars if you land in the gutter anyways?"/"nobody likes me, everybody hates me" thing going on. That's why I am a self-proclaimed loner. I work better alone, and several of my so-called friends are just like me: outcasts in their own little respects, the oddballs in the group. None of us accepted, but all as one. Kinda like an oversized Musketeer Group.
So, I "proudly" call myself a skinny little bitch, but I'm really wondering if I am. I don't think I *need* to be likable, but I know that if I keep being all depressing/loner-ish/angsty/whatever, I'll end up on Prozac and be forced to work in groups all the time.
Life has shown me that there is no such thing as an easy way out, or shortcuts. No backtracking, this train is one-way. But if you want to change, is sort of like taking a few steps backwards. Pause, lose a turn, rethink the mistake you made and do-over. Can I do that?
I got accepted into this summer program (which, thus far, has caused me nothing but trouble). Apparently, I got in because I cried at the interview. I opened up. But afterwards, I didn't have a clue as to what I did or said that got me in. I didn't care much, either. At this big dinner, alums of the program were saying the whole thing was geared towards "underprivileged" kids, and while I am aware that such kids exist, I never thought of myself as one. I mean, with people calling you a spoiled rotten brat...
In the long run, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, with myself saying, why the hell should I change for others? The little bookworm on my head says, because in the real world, acting like a bitch doesn't cut it. Then she whacks me on the head with a squeaky mallet. There's the one that just goes 'eh' and lets life keep flowing, and the little angel who says, 'maybe you should give it a try... you never know what blessings you may get...'
So... *sigh* If there's anything I'm not... it's decisive.
I'm little miss spotlight, center-stage, Aries-and-damn-proud-of-it-too, what-you-gotta-problem-with-me-say-it-to-my face, real wild child. *out of breath*
But when someone says you gotta work on your attitude...
Situation #1:
The standard Friend A, Friend B, Friend C. A is friends with C, but not B. B is also friends with A, but not C. C talks shit about B behind B's back-- to A. I'm B, my best friend is A, and this guy I call "Eric* of the Hair" (* I did change his name... I'm not that sadistic) is C. Now, My friend's b'day is coming up, and I don't want to ruin it. Hell, I hate my cousins, but I still put on a mask and act nice around them. I can pull it off at her party too, yes? Weirdness is, I don't know why I don't like this guy. He bugs me, he's immature, sure, but I used to be crushing on him! Elch! Why do people fight and then forget what they fought for?
Situation #2: (see previous entry)
I really don't feel like getting beaten into a bloody pulp again just because I've got a 'tude. Besides, 9 times outta 10, I don't even know I do.
There's this saying: Once you accept who you are, you can try to change. But then, I've never really liked myself. I've sorta always grown up with the "someone's better than me"/"why bother reaching for the stars if you land in the gutter anyways?"/"nobody likes me, everybody hates me" thing going on. That's why I am a self-proclaimed loner. I work better alone, and several of my so-called friends are just like me: outcasts in their own little respects, the oddballs in the group. None of us accepted, but all as one. Kinda like an oversized Musketeer Group.
So, I "proudly" call myself a skinny little bitch, but I'm really wondering if I am. I don't think I *need* to be likable, but I know that if I keep being all depressing/loner-ish/angsty/whatever, I'll end up on Prozac and be forced to work in groups all the time.
Life has shown me that there is no such thing as an easy way out, or shortcuts. No backtracking, this train is one-way. But if you want to change, is sort of like taking a few steps backwards. Pause, lose a turn, rethink the mistake you made and do-over. Can I do that?
I got accepted into this summer program (which, thus far, has caused me nothing but trouble). Apparently, I got in because I cried at the interview. I opened up. But afterwards, I didn't have a clue as to what I did or said that got me in. I didn't care much, either. At this big dinner, alums of the program were saying the whole thing was geared towards "underprivileged" kids, and while I am aware that such kids exist, I never thought of myself as one. I mean, with people calling you a spoiled rotten brat...
In the long run, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, with myself saying, why the hell should I change for others? The little bookworm on my head says, because in the real world, acting like a bitch doesn't cut it. Then she whacks me on the head with a squeaky mallet. There's the one that just goes 'eh' and lets life keep flowing, and the little angel who says, 'maybe you should give it a try... you never know what blessings you may get...'
So... *sigh* If there's anything I'm not... it's decisive.
