![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteI actually didn't watch the Oscars tonight. I caught the last 5 minutes of it, just because Baba was complaining about all the women not wearing bras. Like you're supposed to NOTICE or something. I know it's obvious with some (tacky) women, but usually there's an artful away around that. I used to watch for the fashion, but MEH! I just wasn't interested this year.
I ended up napping most of the afternoon away; not because I didn't get much sleep last night (though that was PART of it... ^_~), but just because tiredness compounds on tiredness for whatever weird reason. I slept in the car ride, likely because I didn't like Erin's taste in music much, and she blasted it so loud that my iPod barely had any effect. So instinctively I fell asleep to ignore the music. ^^;
As it turned out, the visit to San Diego was shorter than I thought; I thought Erin and I would be leaving at 10-11 tonight, not 10-11 in the morning. And even though Scott did the right thing by asking Erin for sure what time she planned to leave, we ended up leaving Joyce's new house late in the morning, anyway. Not that it was a bad thing-- I got to eat a delicious breakfast (bagel & cheese, eggs, and orange juice) in their new kitchen. Last night I wanted to stick around for a yummy dinner, but they were just starting to make it as Erin and I arrived, and Scott planned to pick me up after he and the guys (Aaron & John) ate dinner at a Greek place. So they picked me up on their way back, and I couldn't stick around for however long it would take to speed-cook everything else. ;_; But I'll get to enjoy a yummy dinner next time, whenever that may be.
I got to see David again, as well as Camp Pendleton (where Erin's boyfriend, Elliott, is stationed for now)... man, it looks different from what I remember. I actually don't remember it as well as I thought, or when I was there with the ROTC in the summer between sophomore and junior years, I was only on one side of the base. It is one of the biggest bases in the country, from what I've heard.
Scott and I spent the whole night together --and I guess I've gotten used to the weirdness that is "guys." It was one thing to be around guys like Vince, Jimmy, "God" and et al., but Scott's friends and twin brother are a whole other breed. They were funny (albeit gross at times), and we had fun watching the first 3/4 of Predator before Scott and I called it a night. I was tired after my quick dinner (Macaroni and Cheese) with coconut rum & coke.
So lately there's been a lot on my mind --namely, how terrified I'm getting of my future. I don't know whether I'm going to pass these classes (JOUR 310 and ENGL 275), or -assuming I do- where I'll go or what I'll do after I get my degree. I know it's still a while off, but I'm one of those people that likes to be prepared.
To stick to my usual attitude and just look to the immediate future, what if I do (or don't) get into Study Abroad? Everyone -friends, family, even the program coordinators- think I'm set to go. I might even get a hefty scholarship from one place or another to help me out, if I do get accepted. And then what!? By this Fall, I'll be in another country -a whole other continent even! How will I be able to handle something so radically different from anything I've ever done before? I keep telling myself this is what I've wanted for years, but I'm starting to get the jitters and wonder why or how. There are no Journalism classes there, and if I get the Presidential Scholarship, I'll be working A LOT outside of class, trying to put material together for my book proposal.
And what if my Japanese really does suck? I'm having problems in class with the Listening Comprehension MP3s -they go way too fast, and I think I mentioned before that it stressed me out to the point where I started to cry. I'm not normally like that. And of course, for the LCs due tomorrow, I can't even access the MP3s- there's a 500 Internal Server error. Worse, tomorrow I have to deal with a TB test reading at 9:30am, work from 11am-1:50pm, and then class followed by more work followed by more class.
I half want life to slow down so I can catch up with my work, and I half want it to speed up so I can know whether I got in to the program/got scholarships or not, and then relax and/or de-stress one way or the other in Hawaii. A little over one month to go! I want to be excited, but there's so much on my mind!
...And then there's Scott. He's visiting again this coming weekend, and I'm happy, because we'll get to spend more time together, even though he also plans on seeing Carolyn before she moves to Ireland (permanently), and Brett, whom he hasn't seen in a while. And he's applying to this whole Peace Corps thing. I can understand his need to want to get out of SoCal; this is something that happens. SoCal is a place that serves a purpose, not a place you want to spend the rest of your days -not unless you're a celebrity of some sorts, and we all know fame is temporary. *le sigh*
So while I know that I do want to go to Japan or do something with my minor in Japanese, I don't know where it'll take me exactly or when. Meanwhile, Scott wants to be out of the country by his 27th birthday. We still love each other -that much has been said and made clear on both our parts. And I'm the kind of person that wouldn't stand in his way, because I'm already feeling what he has been feeling for a while now --that sense of just wanting to get a life beyond this place.
I don't know where he's going to go, with whom, or how, but I wouldn't want to hold him back. I know he's started a journey and he needs to finish it before he feels he can settle anywhere or with anyone. He doesn't know how long it'll take, but I keep holding out hope that it won't be long, or at the very least, I can finish school and be with him somehow. It scares and surprises me a bit that he's said if he can't teach English or join the Peace Corps., he might just join a Buddhist monastery. I have nothing against his spiritual path whatsoever, and in fact think that it's a wonderful thing. But that would mean no matter WHAT happens to me (Study abroad or not, graduation by 2008 or not), we couldn't be together until -rather, IF- he left.
Since we "broke up" it's been easier to not think of us as a couple, though for the ease of things I still call him my boyfriend when talking to people that don't really know the situation too well. I even admitted this to Scott, and he's okay with it. I mean, we can't really see each other that often anyway, so should we really have that label and all the connotations with it? That's kind of what we were trying to avoid.
In any case, I'm not some hopeful idealist imagining finishing school, getting some wonderful, secure job where I'm happy and creative, and getting married to Scott and having kids. I'd LIKE that, but I can't even imagine thinking so far ahead as my own graduation. But Scott actually mentioned this before I did. Neither of us know what's going to happen or when, but we both still want that life, no matter when it happens.
So... I guess I'm going to keep living life, and "wait."
I ended up napping most of the afternoon away; not because I didn't get much sleep last night (though that was PART of it... ^_~), but just because tiredness compounds on tiredness for whatever weird reason. I slept in the car ride, likely because I didn't like Erin's taste in music much, and she blasted it so loud that my iPod barely had any effect. So instinctively I fell asleep to ignore the music. ^^;
As it turned out, the visit to San Diego was shorter than I thought; I thought Erin and I would be leaving at 10-11 tonight, not 10-11 in the morning. And even though Scott did the right thing by asking Erin for sure what time she planned to leave, we ended up leaving Joyce's new house late in the morning, anyway. Not that it was a bad thing-- I got to eat a delicious breakfast (bagel & cheese, eggs, and orange juice) in their new kitchen. Last night I wanted to stick around for a yummy dinner, but they were just starting to make it as Erin and I arrived, and Scott planned to pick me up after he and the guys (Aaron & John) ate dinner at a Greek place. So they picked me up on their way back, and I couldn't stick around for however long it would take to speed-cook everything else. ;_; But I'll get to enjoy a yummy dinner next time, whenever that may be.
I got to see David again, as well as Camp Pendleton (where Erin's boyfriend, Elliott, is stationed for now)... man, it looks different from what I remember. I actually don't remember it as well as I thought, or when I was there with the ROTC in the summer between sophomore and junior years, I was only on one side of the base. It is one of the biggest bases in the country, from what I've heard.
Scott and I spent the whole night together --and I guess I've gotten used to the weirdness that is "guys." It was one thing to be around guys like Vince, Jimmy, "God" and et al., but Scott's friends and twin brother are a whole other breed. They were funny (albeit gross at times), and we had fun watching the first 3/4 of Predator before Scott and I called it a night. I was tired after my quick dinner (Macaroni and Cheese) with coconut rum & coke.
So lately there's been a lot on my mind --namely, how terrified I'm getting of my future. I don't know whether I'm going to pass these classes (JOUR 310 and ENGL 275), or -assuming I do- where I'll go or what I'll do after I get my degree. I know it's still a while off, but I'm one of those people that likes to be prepared.
To stick to my usual attitude and just look to the immediate future, what if I do (or don't) get into Study Abroad? Everyone -friends, family, even the program coordinators- think I'm set to go. I might even get a hefty scholarship from one place or another to help me out, if I do get accepted. And then what!? By this Fall, I'll be in another country -a whole other continent even! How will I be able to handle something so radically different from anything I've ever done before? I keep telling myself this is what I've wanted for years, but I'm starting to get the jitters and wonder why or how. There are no Journalism classes there, and if I get the Presidential Scholarship, I'll be working A LOT outside of class, trying to put material together for my book proposal.
And what if my Japanese really does suck? I'm having problems in class with the Listening Comprehension MP3s -they go way too fast, and I think I mentioned before that it stressed me out to the point where I started to cry. I'm not normally like that. And of course, for the LCs due tomorrow, I can't even access the MP3s- there's a 500 Internal Server error. Worse, tomorrow I have to deal with a TB test reading at 9:30am, work from 11am-1:50pm, and then class followed by more work followed by more class.
I half want life to slow down so I can catch up with my work, and I half want it to speed up so I can know whether I got in to the program/got scholarships or not, and then relax and/or de-stress one way or the other in Hawaii. A little over one month to go! I want to be excited, but there's so much on my mind!
...And then there's Scott. He's visiting again this coming weekend, and I'm happy, because we'll get to spend more time together, even though he also plans on seeing Carolyn before she moves to Ireland (permanently), and Brett, whom he hasn't seen in a while. And he's applying to this whole Peace Corps thing. I can understand his need to want to get out of SoCal; this is something that happens. SoCal is a place that serves a purpose, not a place you want to spend the rest of your days -not unless you're a celebrity of some sorts, and we all know fame is temporary. *le sigh*
So while I know that I do want to go to Japan or do something with my minor in Japanese, I don't know where it'll take me exactly or when. Meanwhile, Scott wants to be out of the country by his 27th birthday. We still love each other -that much has been said and made clear on both our parts. And I'm the kind of person that wouldn't stand in his way, because I'm already feeling what he has been feeling for a while now --that sense of just wanting to get a life beyond this place.
I don't know where he's going to go, with whom, or how, but I wouldn't want to hold him back. I know he's started a journey and he needs to finish it before he feels he can settle anywhere or with anyone. He doesn't know how long it'll take, but I keep holding out hope that it won't be long, or at the very least, I can finish school and be with him somehow. It scares and surprises me a bit that he's said if he can't teach English or join the Peace Corps., he might just join a Buddhist monastery. I have nothing against his spiritual path whatsoever, and in fact think that it's a wonderful thing. But that would mean no matter WHAT happens to me (Study abroad or not, graduation by 2008 or not), we couldn't be together until -rather, IF- he left.
Since we "broke up" it's been easier to not think of us as a couple, though for the ease of things I still call him my boyfriend when talking to people that don't really know the situation too well. I even admitted this to Scott, and he's okay with it. I mean, we can't really see each other that often anyway, so should we really have that label and all the connotations with it? That's kind of what we were trying to avoid.
In any case, I'm not some hopeful idealist imagining finishing school, getting some wonderful, secure job where I'm happy and creative, and getting married to Scott and having kids. I'd LIKE that, but I can't even imagine thinking so far ahead as my own graduation. But Scott actually mentioned this before I did. Neither of us know what's going to happen or when, but we both still want that life, no matter when it happens.
So... I guess I'm going to keep living life, and "wait."
