Merry what?
Dec. 26th, 2001 12:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteWell, ho ho ho! It's actually December 26th, at 12:34 in the morning. I can't help it, on breaks my internal clock is off. O.O;;
So, how was your holiday? For me, it wasn't much of one. Unless holidays are constituted of guilt, feelings of remorse, worthlessness, and the occasional rude snipe about Mom's boyfriend and his family.
Don't get me wrong, I normally try to get in spirit and all-- but if someone asked me, "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you like the holidays?" I'd have to say three. (How low can you go!) By Christmas Eve, I'd only had time and money to get my mom one thing. We normally both hate the holidays, because we end up making food for people that don't deserve it-- people who mother claims are "friends" but don't even know how to spell our names correctly. (GRR) I end up getting mad at myself for not having enough gifts for my friends, or worrying if my cookies that I annually bake for everyone (and I KNOW they are damn good-- after the fact) are edible.
Come Christmas Eve, I'm in a frump-- Mom's invited her bf over, along with his entire family. At first, I didn't mind Mom having a bf-- but she always fed me the same excuse-- "my friends think I'm doing so well now, that I'm social and everything." Pardonez moi? My sister died in 1996-- that's 5, count 'em 5 years ago! Not that I'm saying "get over it" or anything-- but normal people do move on after 5 years, right? Sure, they reminisce, they mope, they even cry from time to time-- but my mother sounds like a damned rehab patient! And what about me?! I can never forget that I was ALL ALONE at my sister's funeral, and I was only 10. Middle school went miserably the next three years, and high school is looking worse. I seem to have more enemies than friends, and I tend to be more suicidal than I'd like.
*Ahem* But back on topic. (<.>) So Mom's bf is this Einsteinish guy-- he actually LOOKS like frizzball, but he's all about sociology. Still earning some kind of graduate degree. He has a spoiled daughter who's traveled *all* over the world because of her "wonderful operatic voice." Yes, her voice is nice, but I hate it when my mother makes friends (or tries to make ME make friends) with people who are airheads about what real life is like.
And who am *I* to talk-- the girl who actually HAD a Christmas, who can afford to fly on planes and travel? Hah... I should be thinking of the poor children in some third-world country, shouldn't I? Worrying about the fate of someone who could care less about me... I know it sounds selfish of me when I say stuff like this, but I'm NOT those people. I can't help them the way I am now. Sure, I'm better off than them, but so are the rest of oh, EVERYONE in the US-- even the homeless people in big cities.
So on Christmas, I'm wishing I were somewhere other than home-- I'd even told my mom that much, because I didn't eat (she made TOFU TURKEY!! GAAH) and the bf's daughter isn't exactly attentive, or fun. Not to mention she's a know-it-all senior at an Opt-In Arts school in a classy neighborhood of the city.
Mom's kinda mad at me when we get home from dinner tonight, because in the car, BF-boy wanted to analyze something ELSE sociologically. >_< Why can't people be happy with their own lives, and stop interfering with others where it isn't ridiculously necessary? What's more, my mother seems to live to make me feel embarrassed about my life-- she tells people about my messy room, my "slight" (and I do mean SLIGHT) ability to speak Japanese and Hebrew, and my rudeness-- such as barging into a plant.
"You'll hurt the plant," She says, while cuddling up to BF on the couch. Gah, I want to BARF!
When my Dad was with someone, I was jealous at first, because there was suddenly no time for me. I eventually got used to her, even liked her to the point I called her "Mini-Mom." They got engaged; I was happy. Then she had an affair-- and things fell through. My dad was pretty much a jackass from that point on-- getting rid of my dog, moving from place to place... and I don't speak to him anymore. I don't want that to happen with my mom.
She seems to like BF's family... and I suppose they're okay, it's Oink-oink BF that I don't like. He's a know-it-all, rude, disgusting idiot who lives to rub it in that he's spending more time with my mom than me! I try to tell my mom, hey, I'm feeling left out here... but she is tuned out. I think inside, she wants BF's family to be a replacement for her mostly-dead family. She pulls a teary act around me, and immediately, I'm as guilty as sin.
I love her for thinking of me-- from time to time. And it's not the material things that count, but I appreciate those anyway. But I want the mom back that died when my sister did-- the one that was there for ME too... even if it meant sharing her with a sister. But not a boyfriend, a daughter, and two seniors. No, my mom is just that-- MINE.
Sorry if I got off topic... I had to do my annual X-Mas rant. Knowing my life, there'll be a New Year's one too. See you.
So, how was your holiday? For me, it wasn't much of one. Unless holidays are constituted of guilt, feelings of remorse, worthlessness, and the occasional rude snipe about Mom's boyfriend and his family.
Don't get me wrong, I normally try to get in spirit and all-- but if someone asked me, "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you like the holidays?" I'd have to say three. (How low can you go!) By Christmas Eve, I'd only had time and money to get my mom one thing. We normally both hate the holidays, because we end up making food for people that don't deserve it-- people who mother claims are "friends" but don't even know how to spell our names correctly. (GRR) I end up getting mad at myself for not having enough gifts for my friends, or worrying if my cookies that I annually bake for everyone (and I KNOW they are damn good-- after the fact) are edible.
Come Christmas Eve, I'm in a frump-- Mom's invited her bf over, along with his entire family. At first, I didn't mind Mom having a bf-- but she always fed me the same excuse-- "my friends think I'm doing so well now, that I'm social and everything." Pardonez moi? My sister died in 1996-- that's 5, count 'em 5 years ago! Not that I'm saying "get over it" or anything-- but normal people do move on after 5 years, right? Sure, they reminisce, they mope, they even cry from time to time-- but my mother sounds like a damned rehab patient! And what about me?! I can never forget that I was ALL ALONE at my sister's funeral, and I was only 10. Middle school went miserably the next three years, and high school is looking worse. I seem to have more enemies than friends, and I tend to be more suicidal than I'd like.
*Ahem* But back on topic. (<.>) So Mom's bf is this Einsteinish guy-- he actually LOOKS like frizzball, but he's all about sociology. Still earning some kind of graduate degree. He has a spoiled daughter who's traveled *all* over the world because of her "wonderful operatic voice." Yes, her voice is nice, but I hate it when my mother makes friends (or tries to make ME make friends) with people who are airheads about what real life is like.
And who am *I* to talk-- the girl who actually HAD a Christmas, who can afford to fly on planes and travel? Hah... I should be thinking of the poor children in some third-world country, shouldn't I? Worrying about the fate of someone who could care less about me... I know it sounds selfish of me when I say stuff like this, but I'm NOT those people. I can't help them the way I am now. Sure, I'm better off than them, but so are the rest of oh, EVERYONE in the US-- even the homeless people in big cities.
So on Christmas, I'm wishing I were somewhere other than home-- I'd even told my mom that much, because I didn't eat (she made TOFU TURKEY!! GAAH) and the bf's daughter isn't exactly attentive, or fun. Not to mention she's a know-it-all senior at an Opt-In Arts school in a classy neighborhood of the city.
Mom's kinda mad at me when we get home from dinner tonight, because in the car, BF-boy wanted to analyze something ELSE sociologically. >_< Why can't people be happy with their own lives, and stop interfering with others where it isn't ridiculously necessary? What's more, my mother seems to live to make me feel embarrassed about my life-- she tells people about my messy room, my "slight" (and I do mean SLIGHT) ability to speak Japanese and Hebrew, and my rudeness-- such as barging into a plant.
"You'll hurt the plant," She says, while cuddling up to BF on the couch. Gah, I want to BARF!
When my Dad was with someone, I was jealous at first, because there was suddenly no time for me. I eventually got used to her, even liked her to the point I called her "Mini-Mom." They got engaged; I was happy. Then she had an affair-- and things fell through. My dad was pretty much a jackass from that point on-- getting rid of my dog, moving from place to place... and I don't speak to him anymore. I don't want that to happen with my mom.
She seems to like BF's family... and I suppose they're okay, it's Oink-oink BF that I don't like. He's a know-it-all, rude, disgusting idiot who lives to rub it in that he's spending more time with my mom than me! I try to tell my mom, hey, I'm feeling left out here... but she is tuned out. I think inside, she wants BF's family to be a replacement for her mostly-dead family. She pulls a teary act around me, and immediately, I'm as guilty as sin.
I love her for thinking of me-- from time to time. And it's not the material things that count, but I appreciate those anyway. But I want the mom back that died when my sister did-- the one that was there for ME too... even if it meant sharing her with a sister. But not a boyfriend, a daughter, and two seniors. No, my mom is just that-- MINE.
Sorry if I got off topic... I had to do my annual X-Mas rant. Knowing my life, there'll be a New Year's one too. See you.
