MILES to GO || before I sleep

Let's see, five or so minutes until clean-up time (or at least until Jamie is supposed to get here to help me clean up) for the NSCS Garage Sale, and we've made about $85 over the course of two days. Not too bad. The leftovers I suppose we'll give to the Goodwill, though some stuff (namely some sports cards and some manga) I think I can sell online for a decent amount. Hopefully.

Joyce also said she'll buy all the stuffed animals; she works in family law, and when kids get adopted out, they get to pick a stuffed animal, but she says "they're" (I don't know who "they" are) always running out (of stuffed animals to give away). Right now, we have about 10 left, so hopefully Joyce will be willing to fork over $20 or so for the lot, including a brand-new, super-soft dog-pillow thing.

It hasn't been bad, sitting out here pretty much all day. As per usual for me, I've been reading a lot of CSI fic (I think I've read almost everything by Mossley, at this point), chatting with Joe and Jamie when they were here (Jamie is helping me clean up before we meet Joe and the others at Starbucks for an NSLS meeting), and checking my email.

I'm applying to another internship that might meet the Journalism department's standards for credit (for a journalism internship)-- the Washington Internship Institute. Okay, it's not free, but housing is actually part of the package and I *hope* that it's a paid internship. Anyway, Prof. Shapiro (last semester's JOUR 331 - Graphics professor) agreed to write the required faculty recommendation form for me, so yay to that. :) I think it's bull that I should have to pay all these fees and deposits for things I supposedly qualify for because I'm so active in volunteering, have such a good GPA, etc. -_- Whatever happened to REWARDING the smart kids? I feel like all the good opportunities are just beyond my reach, all because of cash. Well, there's loans, fundraising, and scholarships, and I'm sure as hell not a quitter, so I'll have to look into a variety of things.

Personally, I'd like it if the Target internship could still work out somehow for Journalism credit, because not only is it local and sound fun (but also challenging), but it pays well. Plus there's a strong chance of being hired full-time after the fact, which is nothing to scoff at. Even Target needs a media/press relations department, and while I'm no PR concentration, you never know the needs of a corporation like that.

I have decided I'm going to drop Japanese as a minor, though. On the one hand, it's sad, because I've always been so dedicated to the study of Japanese language and culture, and I enjoyed it a lot when I was younger. When I got into college and DID declare it as my secondary minor, I thought of it as the thing that would set me apart from all the other Journalism majors with their required collateral fields or minors. But the classes are terribly timed, stressful... and to be honest, just thinking about it makes my chest hurt. I can't handle the professors, the workload... anything. I get this sickening guilty feeling whenever I read the japanese community, too. I know that I said just a few paragraphs above, I'm not a quitter-- and I'm not NOW. But I was, because Japanese stressed me out that much.

Even though I look back on going to Japan as a great experience, one I learned a lot from, to be honest, I can't see myself living there anymore, like I used to. I don't think I could work at Shonen Jump or Shojo Beat as a translator; an editor, maybe (and they do need one...). And when I really look back on it, I remember the fun times with my friends, but I also remember how cold and lonely I was. I remember crying the first few days I got there, because I felt like the stupidest person there, not remembering certain things. That was especially true when I finally went to Tokyo on my own and I didn't understand what the clerk was telling me when she said Sarah Brightman had already left the store. I must have waited there for an hour, all because I forgot what the word "sakki" meant.

I don't want to feel that way again. I'd like to think that I learned from my experiences --both in class and in Japan-- and now I have a better grasp on my limitations. I know a bit more about just what defines my breaking point: at which point I get so stressed I make myself ill. I have to say, I really have been getting pretty sick over the past half-year, and if it's really all psychosomatic, I'm disappointed in myself. I'm not exactly the paragon of healthy eating and regular exercise, but it's not like I pork out in front of the TV all day with a bag of chips and guac. But stressing out does things to your insides, and I was getting pretty close to either being a hypochondriac or being genuinely ill with something like an ulcer. Scott had that, and just judging by what I heard from him, I don't want to go down that route.

I have yet to really un-declare the minor, and I'm not 100% sure of the consequences- after all, I got that Presidential Scholarship which I really never did anything with, though it saved my hide in Japan after that idiotic phone escapade. Part of me still thinks I'm more than capable of writing that book, but it's not like I ever had this great relationship with my supposed mentor, Hirota-sensei, and I hardly think I would after I un-declare the minor. That's especially true if I have to get her signature on any forms and explain just why I feel the way I do. I don't like getting emotional around professors.

Anyway, other stuff:
What's your preferred domain registrar? I've been with Register.com, and while they were good, they were too expensive. Same goes with InterNIC. I'm with Yahoo! Small Business for meredithsweet.com, and GoDaddy for seventh-star.net, but today at the NSLS officers' meeting, Jamie told me that GoDaddy sucks and he won't have anything to do with them, directly or indirectly. I've had a great experience with them so far, despite their supposed lousy TOS and policies. Nonetheless, if I wanted to get a CSUN NSLS website that's not hosted by CSUN (because apparently that requires funding which we currently do not have), I need to find a good registrar. Suggestions are appreciated!

WDKY25 is like, seriously, almost done. Whee! I actually was working on it last night-- a storm of writing! Please let it continue...!

It's funny how my memory is so Swiss-Cheesed that I can't remember saying or doing certain things that, to others, are clear indicators of my behavior or attitudes (towards things, people, etc). So I figure that by journaling, I can always have a written retrospective, in my own voice, of the things that are going on in my life day-to-day. Alas, I can't always update, but when I can, it's just as much for me (to vent, announce things, ask questions, whatever) as it is for others (who might be interested for whatever reason). I hate how I forget things so easily... I wonder if there really is something wrong with my brain, or if I'm just not smart, or not eating enough prunes or something...

I almost had a fit today because I had to upgrade my eFiction installs for both Dragonfayth and Epiphany. Usually it's not that big of a deal, but when eFic upgraded from 2.0.7 to 3.0, it took a lot of work, and it really stressed me out. The patch update (3.0.1) wasn't so bad, but I don't like the idea of replacing ALL the files, over and over again, when I have made edits to the skins or variables files (and so on). Anyway, I'd come up with this decent skin organization structure, which works like so:
efic3-drfa+epiphany (folder in which all the eFic files are)
--skins (the skins folder normally has EACH skins individual folders in here, i.e. CSS Zen, elegance, Zenlike. But since I have 2 different eFic sites and I DO NOT want to waste HD space by having them in two separate folders, I changed the layout of the skins folder to look like the following...)
---drfa (the skin folders I plan to use for drfa go in here. However, it's ONLY the files that are modified, i.e. the images folder and the style.css)
---epiphany (works the same way as the drfa folder)
---efic general skins (all the files that are used in skins but are NOT modified for each individual site. These are the files that are normally in /skinname/ in the uploaded site's skins folder.)

So I downloaded 3.0.2 and prepared to replace everything. I figured since I had those 3 special sub-folders in the skins folder (instead of the default skin names, which are CSS Zen, elegance, Zenlike, and SurpriseMe), it would just add the new skins to the skins/ folder, and leave MY modified structure alone. Apparently not! I don't know if it's something up with Finder/OSX or something else, but it replaced all my folders, even though MY folders didn't exist in the 3.0.2 update! It makes no sense...

Anyway, it stressed me out because I had to think of a way to get all my changes back without having to do them again, so I basically DOWNLOADED the images folders for each skin, the style.css for each skin (I hope no changes were made to the skins' style.css for the 3.0.2 update), and did my structure again. And when I uploaded the new files to Dragonfayth (and I will for Epiphany when the DRFA upload completes), I had to do it in pieces, or else risk messing up the file structure again. It's a pain in the ass and totally gave me a headache, but I'm trying to avoid MORE of a headache by having to do things over and over.

Once the second half of the Dragonfayth upload finishes, I'll see how everything worked out... hopefully nothing will be mangled, and I can just repeat the process for Epiphany.

Well, that didn't work. First I got a 404 for not uploading the install folder (I thought the install and skin folders were the two things you DON'T upload with every upgrade, major or minor!? I only uploaded the latest skin folders -minus the images and style.css- because Tammy said she makes fixes on those default skins on occasion). When I uploaded it, I got a header sent/session cache limiter error-- fatal, which means NO ONE can access the site. Ugh.

I'm off to a great start, don't you think?
Broke
Stressed
Forgetful
Lonely
Hungry
Procrastinating
Uncreative
Messy
Sad
Frustrated
Fucked

Okay, so on my platter of loverliness:

(1) Get help with the new install of eFiction 3.0 over at Dragonfayth (and soon Epiphany as well; Epiphany's still running the beta version), because the categories menu has gone to hell, the featured story and random author blocks aren't showing up (even though the right variables are in place), and there's only a beta version for the featured author block until someone updates it. Le sigh.

(2) Figure out wtf is up with my funky Surpass server, because apparently it won't accept a particular PHP command that Enthusiast 3 (the fanlisting management script I'm using) throws at it. I need it to work, because the whole beauty of Enth3 is that you can have a collective website (showing what you've joined/are a member of, what you own, and who you're affiliated with), a fanlisting (or more), and the admin panel, all neatly organized. And BEA and the admin panel are working just fine, except the collective listing is supposed to call a particular page from the enth3 admin folder, but it can't seem to do it properly. And the people at Surpass basically told me "We don't support 3rd party scripts; tell us what you're missing, and we'll see if we can help." So I'm bouncing between forums trying to get all this PHP mess figured out.

(3) Do a slightly (?) backdated issue of weekly_ygo, because no one else is doing it. Maybe if I read enough YGO fandom news, I will start writing WDKY again. :( In any case, if anyone can help me out EVEN A LITTLE, I would really appreciate it. Even if the fandom's not so active anymore, I have to catch up on all entries from November 21st 5:17pm GMT onward. So it's a little over 2 weeks due at this point, and with entries from PTDC (the most active community) *AND* all the other comms, it might be more than I can handle in one night or even "soon," just because of my workload here.

...Scott said he'd call me when I got back from EC (I told him it was an hour and a half, and it's already been over that), and I haven't heard a peep. Not an email, not an IM... *sigh* I'm already really looking forward to going home and seeing him again, but maybe I'm being too "clingy" again, even from 3000+ miles away. :P

Okay, so Epiphany's my eFic 3 test, and so far everything's going so well. I haven't gotten tinyMCE working just yet, but almost all the other bugs I found recently were solved in one fell-swoop, and using the test beta is actually good for when the stable release DOES come out-- I'll be used to everything, rather than surprised by how different it is.

One thing that IS significantly different is how there is a single classification system, where you can add types of your own choosing. One type is Genres (mystery, romance, drama, action/adventure... you get the idea), Warnings (character death, drug use, sexual content, language, etc.), and Story Types. The latter is where I'm having some difficulties.

Now, eFic 3 has advanced search capabilities. You can include specific genres, warnings, or types, or exclude specific genres, warnings, or types. You can sort through fics based on ratings, category (all anime, all movies, anime, manga, and movies... etc.), sub-categories (specific titles), characters, and the status of the story (complete or not). You can even specify a "greater than" word count. So with all these functions, I didn't want to clutter up the site with Story Types I didn't need.

For example, let's say I want to read some smut. :} So I search for fics for the category and sub-category I want (or multiples thereof, if I'm into that kind of thing), specify a MA (NC-17) rating, the characters I want to see, the genres I want and don't want, and the warnings I want and don't want. Let's say I also would like a semi-long story of at least 1000 words, and completed, too. But what about Story Type? Should I include things like PWP ("plot, what plot?" or "porn without plot") in the Story Type list? If I include PWP, should I also include Lemon, Lemonade, Lime, or those other euphemisms we tend to use for the various kinds of smutfic?

And what about shortfics? You have 100-word drabbles (but you can search for fics of 100 words "or more" with the Advanced Search, and specify "completed"), you can have double-drabbles, or even those 1sentence kind of fics. Or you can have a oneshot with no particular word count. Matter of fact, is "shortfic" even a good word, or is "ficlet" better? I think the former is more sensible, but the latter is more common. I don't think I should use both as separate Story Types, though. So what do I put for Story Types? People might want to read oneshots and not give a rat's ass about the word count, but there might be people who have a five-minute break and want a 100 word fic EXACTLY.

The current version of Dragonfayth only serves ONE fandom and ONE pairing, so it's much easier to use Main Categories divided up by the seasons/arcs of Yu-Gi-Oh. There are also Continuations (fanfics that take place after Vol. 38 of the manga or episode 238 of the anime) and Alternate Universes (that don't take place within Yu-Gi-Oh canon at all, and so can't be considered "divergent" fics, or ARs). I'm wondering if I should make AUs and Continuations Story Types rather than sub-categories within EACH fandom, though. It's much easier to make it a Story Type, but somehow it doesn't make sense. If I did divide up each fandom by its seasons/arcs (where applicable), wouldn't it be weird if someone went to look for a story that's NOT part of any particular season/arc? And what about all those fics that ARE included... aren't they ALL technically divergence/AR fics? Why have a Story Type for them? But some fics really DO change a bigger premise (i.e. what if Anzu had the Millennium Puzzle rather than Yuugi?) as opposed to something smaller (i.e. what if there was a bigger context to Scene X in episode Y than we thought!?), so having the AR tag would be helpful, for the fics that really are VERY divergent as opposed to merely exploratory.

The same goes for Continuations. But if I *DO* consider them a sub-category (or a sub-sub-category, as it would really be), should I make them 2 separate ones, or lump them together as "Other"?

When you search for a fic, what are ALL the possible criteria you would want to use? I know when I search for a fic, I USUALLY go by the following (in this order):
-Fandom (obviously)
-Pairing (characters)
-Genre (some Story Types can fit into this, i.e an MST would be a specific kind of Humor/Comedy fic. So would a Parody.)
-Rating
-Completed Status
-Length/Word Count (some Story Types fit into this, i.e. oneshots, drabbles, ficlets, etc.)
-Warnings

Here are the Story Types I'm using so far: ( so many types to choose from! )

If anyone else has any ideas, comments, or suggestions, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I really need help with this. :P

Happy Birthday Shadowesque13!

Ugh, you know, I decided to randomly try my hand at some Gunslinger duels tonight in the YGO Online World lobby, and I figured with my new powerful deck (Warrior-Spellcaster, with a few bitchy effect monsters thrown in), I might even stand a chance. True, I did last longer in my duels, but one duel ended for no reason (as in, opponent DID NOT surrender, time DID NOT run out, etc. etc.) and the other duel, my opponent of unknown nationality (I thought Japanese, but maybe not. Could have been Chinese or Korean, because the other languages use the English alphabet set, and this guy's text kept coming up as ????) was SO FREAKIN' IMPATIENT! I mean, he was winning already, I don't see what the rush is. Really pissed me off.

Anyway, I need "Widespread Ruin" and/or "Nightmare Wheel," both traps. These cards got used against me (the former in repeated duels), and I must say, they are a bitch for getting your opponent's LP down. And since Warrior decks seem to be pretty cookie-cutter, maybe I ought to try for a Spirit deck, like I told Malakite while we were mining. I played against a guy with a Gravekeeper deck, and I must say, that's one kick-ass deck theme. I find that playing YGO!O inspires me for the upcoming duel scenes in WDKY, so at least I won't be pulling combos and decks out of my ass... these will be decks that have pwned me IRL. :D

I just finished adding a bunch of pages to WikiFic, all in the Pairings section. I'm far from done, and plenty of people gave me links for Threesomes and other-somes that I haven't made a template for yet. There's also the matter of 'ships that aren't official yet, or 'ships whose history is unknown. And I also need art! And then there's the REST of the encyclopedia... this is such a big project, but I've been working on it diligently, getting help here and there from new users, and so far it's turning out pretty good. I'm somewhat afraid to get a Spell Checker for the Wiki, since I have so many Japanese words, but we'll see. Better safe than sorry, eh?

Also, surprisingly good Pegasus-centric fic by SilvorMoon. It came as a rec for the Pegasus/Cyndia pairing for WikiFic, and it really is quite good. It'll definitely make you rethink Duelist Kingdom! :D I also re-read some of Quickening's Spiritshipping (or Revolutionshipping, but Yugi's such an imp in her fics that I figure it's more of a 3-way) and I remember why I first fell in love with Yu-Gi-Oh as a fandom, and Anzu as a female protagonist. Yes, back in the day, I was a Revolutionshipper! :O

And then I read geniusgirl's stuff and the rest is history. :P

In a few hours... the dream will end! Yu-Gi-Oh's final dub episode "Ceremonial Battle" conclusion airs on Kids WB at 11:30am!
5 years
7 incredible story arcs
8 amazing duelists and friends
7 memorable villains
But the time has come
For for this story
To end
June 10, 2006
Yu-Gi-Oh!

Watch It. Live It. Duel It.

Or something equally dorky. ("This isn't the end of my story. My story... is just beginning.") Even though I've seen it in the Japanese, I'm giddy with anticip.....ation!~

I think I'll catch up on Sailor Moon tomorrow, and do Episodes 13 and 14 in one shot. Now that I've fixed VLC player's settings for snapshots, if I do another flood, it won't take so long and need a recompiler. :)

For anyone that was going to add to WikiFic since I've been pimping it the past week, I apologize- in my attempt to upgrade the software, I evidently screwed something up, and until I find out what that is, WikiFic is down. I hope the people at wiki or at the unofficial MediaWiki support forums can help out, because aside from a bad prefix, I have no idea what's wrong here, if I dropped too many tables, or what.

Once again, I'm sorry. :(

ETA: 7:30PM (after watching Yu-Gi-Oh! GX for the first time) I got it working! I had to uninstall the entire directory (which means I need to get the images for everything again) and reinstall it twice (first because I used a bad prefix for the tables, then because I put them in the wrong database), but it's working! Anyone that was updating or has something to update, we're back in action!

I need a whole bunch of images now, so please help me out by uploading as many Yu-Gi-Oh images as you think are appropriate for entries (these include clear character portraits, Yu-Gi-Oh-related logos, episode screencaps... anything, really, so long as it's not watermarked or fanart).

YAY!

Updated WikiFic - You can click on the "Special Pages" link in the bottom toolbox and then see Wanted Pages and images. You can also upload JPG, GIF, or PNG format images to help flesh out our gallery, so we can include pictures of all characters and places. We're in need of contributors for ALL sorts of subjects! (This is my second big summer project, after finishing WDKY)

I added Shizuka, Honda, and Sugoroku's page, uploaded images for all of them plus Dark Malik and Noa Kaiba, and scanned an image of Kessoku - Unity for use on that TCG card's page. _novemberx also kindly provided judge commentary on the cards, since they also appear in the Nightmare Troubadour game. I need more manga scans and people willing to sit down and write about all the characters and events!

Also, does anyone know which OCG card it was where Sugoroku appeared kind of shadowed (a'la his old school gamer silhouette, back when we wore a tuxedo everywhere, and smoked)? I think it was a trap card, but I can't remember what it was. HELP!

zOMG FMA - As you may or may not already know, ceruleansan got me into the Fullmetal Alchemist manga, and now I'm up to Chapter 31. I'm very much Ed x Winry and Roy x Riza (er, Royai), but I have yet to write the fic I owe her and geniusgirl. Sorry guys, please be patient! I'm liking all the mystery and suspense though, and all the ASS KICKING! Go Izumi!

Take surveys. Get stuff. - I don't know why I've mentioned this before, but I'm part of this group called HarrisPoll, where you take surveys about once or twice a month about all sorts of stuff and get points-- and the points add up to some seriously sweet stuff, like stereos, waffle irons, tents, massagers... all sorts of cool goodies. The surveys are all pretty easy, and most range from 10-30 minutes in length. There are no advertisements, no bombardments of spam emails, and they won't sell or rent your info to anyone else-- they just use group survey results for market research. So if this sounds interesting to you, comment with your email and I'll sign you up.

X-Men: The Last Stand ( Likes and dislikes )

Just to let everyone know Dragonfayth is not dead. But I was all ballistic and excited about getting InkTank to work, because  it looked so sophisticated in theory. It's a pain in the ass to maintain, and I've only been trying to put MY story up there. Right now, I've got Dragonfayth in two places:

drfa.seventh-star.net
&
seventh-star.net/df

The first one is running InkTank 1.0, the second one is running a fresh install of eFiction 1.1. There's supposed to be an eFiction 1.5(!) coming out soon, and there's already mods on the new forum that I like, so maybe my faith in eFiction will be restored. Also, if I learn a bit more PHP, I might become more comfortable with eFiction.

Also, it just plain LOOKS better as a fic archive, compared to InkTank, where everything has to be submitted through an email form and nothing is automated.

The catch is that I didn't get a chance to backup any of the old stuff from Dragonfayth, and plenty of people still are not aware of my domain name change. I wish I could have given everybody more advance notice, but it was just as much of a surprise to me as it was to you! Anyway, I can use Google Cache or the Wayback Machine to try and find out which stories were posted, what categories we had, etc.

There is nothing hosted at either site. Still, you're free to check them both out, look at the system, and tell me what you think. I'm positive there are still bugs in each, and since I JUST installed eFiction on the new servers, that means even if everything LOOKS perfect, it's 100% far from being customized. It's as blank as you can get. On the bright side, I saved all the old skins, so reinstalling those that worked should be easy.

Anyway, I'm up when I shouldn't be (working on WDKY19 and "researching hentai" as it were) and my hair's all Snape-like, so I think I'll shower and head off to bed. I have a Japanese test tomorrow, a bunch of Creative Writing due, and I work for at least 5 hours. ;_; At least it's payday.

Honestly, I hate WebRing. I liked it when they were with Yahoo!, because everything was easier. But now that Darkness Rising has been suspended from WR, I fixed the website to reflect DR's new home, but the idiotic thing still has me suspended... and I can't get the new code or contact the WR master until I get to the webpage, WHICH KEEPS ON FRACKIN' TIMING OUT FOR NO REASON! It's not me, it's them. Idiots.

And I tried to open up a savings account with a better APY than the one I have with Wamu-- this thing advertised in Oprah magazine (Jill asked me to take a look at it and see what inspired me; she wants to start a magazine for girls ages 15-20 that's not so based on trash talk and celeb hype) by Suze Orman, that blonde lady who's all about Rich WOMEN!!TEHYAY1eleventy-one! Anyway, my application "could not be processed at this time," so now I have to call customer service.

Isn't it weird how I get so resolved to do (or not do) certain things in the middle of the year, rather than at New Year's, when we're "supposed" to? Like, I've decided to join the fitness center and try to swim more often (I didn't go in the pool today at Jill's because it was COLD for me. Nikki and James, my 2nd cousins, were splashing about like fish-- me, I didn't want to get my hair wet) and exercise more.

Okay, so... I've decided to turn WikiFic into the Complete Encyclopedia of Yu-Gi-Oh. The general theme is for fanfic authors, but obviously any dedicated fan would probably find the place useful. The site is pretty much up now and is awaiting submissions... but any and all of them are subject to editing, and of course I don't allow anything controversial or biased (X pairing is better than Y pairing; Anzu is a slut, etc.) I'd appreciate it if people ran their ideas by me before creating accounts and submitting anything.

Obviously I'm still looking to customize the site a bit more, but it's proving to be difficult.

I'm also trying to get back into Fathom/Michael Turner's creations, but he went off and separated from Top Cow in 2002 (3?) and now has Aspen Comics, his own line. I'm trying to figure out how the new Fathom volumes work into the original series which I think I have the completed first volume of, in hardback form. And now there's this new series called Soulfire, and another one called Ekos, and... I'm all confused. (I think what I have is the collected version of Volumes 1-9, with all the alternate covers provided in the back of the book, except the Christmas Cover.)

I also think I'm going to send Dave (of PSX-TECH) back the chip, because everywhere I read, the Crystal Chip doesn't play imports or backups, both of which I require. When Dave "upgraded" me to the Crystal Chip (because the DMS3 was my original order, and the DMS4 is already in production) he did it because I didn't have my PS2 in SF to get a free install... but the CC costs the same (or pretty close) to the DMS3, so it's not like that upgrade really made up for the four-month wait. So now I'll pay the shipping to send the PS2 back to him, but I'll settle for an old chip, so long as it does what I want. I haven't been able to find any local, drop-off places that could install the Crystal Chip anyway, and even if I did, I just don't want the CC anymore. :P

I did eventually go to Jill's today, and it was fun-- I didn't swim, but I had some delish burgers and butter cream cake (I don't know why she always seems to have birthday cake on hand) and Jill and I talked at length about magazines today and what teenage girls and young adult females need-- more than glitz and glam, but inspiration, motivation, and stories and people they can relate to. We might try and put something together, but as excited as I am, I wouldn't really know where to start. Still, I have ideas for layout (Publisher or Adobe) and printing (Jill's house, HP High-Gloss paper), and even articles (I've got enough experience and friends to be able to talk a lot, don't you think?), so we'll see.

As for me and Scott... well, there's no romantic relationship. We're not together, and I know this, and he knows this. But you can't really "regret" decisions like that, you can only wonder or wish you knew what it would be like if things turned out differently. And as always, we're taking these slowly and seeing where they go. We still care for each other, maybe even love each other still (he's kind of unclear with his feelings in direct words, I don't want to jinx what we DO have, so I don't say anything... but on the flipside, when I'm not around him or contacting him so much, the feeling DOES fade).

He didn't want to contact me as much because it would be going back on the whole idea of HIM breaking up with me, which was to the point that we didn't have time for each other (read: him for me) or that he couldn't be the boyfriend I wanted (case: true). But he knows that's bunk, because friends (even with benefits) do contact each other and hang out, because otherwise they aren't friends at all. So... he will call me. And it's not like he was doing nothing the past few days-- he's gotten more hours at work, he's been "promoted" to Guest Services (a much bigger, more comfortable deal at Pac Theatres than it ever was at AMC) and he's been hanging out with people (birthday parties), scouting for a roommate/apartment... So he HAS been busy.

But... well, it's not like I'm so desperate to hang out with him, it's the feeling of hanging out with anyone. I don't have any friends down here, and in times like these when it's slow at work and all I want is for school to start, I'd like someone to hang out with. Scott used to be that person I could devote my energy to 24/7, but I can't anymore, and I've had to reconcile that fact with my reality. When I do see him, it's great because we can talk about what we've both been up to, how things are with the people we care about, and we're just HAPPY to see each other. There's no obligation for either of us... though truthfully, I am going to be sad on Sept. 1, which would have been our 1-year anniversary. It would have been nice to get to that point and be surprised with a nice gift. (He bought Baba and Grandpa a bouquet of daisies and a card for their 60th Wedding Anniversary this weekend!)

It's hard for me to really see the "freedom" that this new relationship of ours offers (even though I can preach about the bonuses of a casual sexual relationship, the few in my history did NOT end well emotionally), and it does feel almost like we're starting over. We've got the great part of our relationship (the attraction, the curiosity, the feeling, the intensity... and yes, the sex) without the arguments over his time, where he is or who he's with, and whether or not I'm still important to him. I never ask my friends if I'm important to them, it's just something I accept as KNOWING, and that's the way I'm going to trust it to be with Scott. Scott's got a bit of a guilt issue with this, because he doesn't want to think he's obligated to be with me, to make me happy just because he broke up with me and hurt me so much. I don't want him to feel that way either, and I don't want to feel obligated to spend time with him (though I always look forward to it, so I don't imagine I COULD feel obligated, like it was a chore). I don't want him to feel guilty about what we do (there's not much "saying" things that he could take back or "regret," like he did in our relationship) so... again, it's just about taking things one step at a time. I still plan on wowing him when I walk into class on the first day of school (leather pants, boots, sheer white-and-black floral printed blouse with a tattoo on my lower back) and MAYBE even inciting the attention of some other people (Scott said he would be jealous if other guys started looking at me... *grin* As mean as it is, that makes me happy)... or maybe just making some friends. :P

Anyway, I've got work... er, again, later today (1:30-7... bastards are cutting me off from a 30 minute break AGAIN!) and then closing (AUGH!!!) on Saturday. Hopefully I'll hear from Jamba CSUN on Saturday, and then I have a few days off... and within the next two weeks, a transfer, a new job application (Red Robin) filed, and then SCHOOL! YAY!

Ah, today wasn't so bad. Slow, but not bad. No attacking carrot juice machines, and the stupidity/immaturity of boys was at a surprising low. And my lemonade-peach mix actually tasted good. Free bagel, too. I love those girls at Western Bagel. Seriously, I've gotten addicted. And that's saying something, since my true love will always be for East Coast bagels. :P I wanna go back out East...

The only thing was that I kept having asthma attacks. This isn't unusual; I have them about once a month or so... but it's just been happening more often at Jamba. And today, it really, really hurt. I finally figured out why when I went to the back room to get my inhaler. It was my bra. I hate bras. I never like wearing them. Joanne, Dan's girlfriend, criticized me at Adam's bar mitzvah for wearing a tanktop with no bra (even though it's a halter-tank, and any strappy bra would have shown and looked HIDEOUS). I only have the one strapless bra, and that's the one that caused me so much grief today. It was only on its second (to the lowest) setting. I just wore it because I had the "wife-beater" sleeveless I bought from Forever 21 on, and I thought it's safer to wear something white under white, rather than risking any "pink spots" showing through (even though I'd be wearing my purple Jamba shirt for the whole shift). When I took it off, I felt like I was being set free. No more strangulation! So forget it, I am so not wearing bras anymore unless they are as comfortable as SIN!

( I am... )

And now, presenting... SEVENTH-STAR.NET! Okay, so there's nothing there now, but whee, yay, and whoopee! It's my domain, my personal domain-- well, mine and rhapsody_dragon's! She helped me out bunches during this "phase" of mine, and has always been a constant place of support for me, so I'm totally hosting her. Anyone else interested, give me a buzz and we can discuss (guardian_kysra, I'm looking at you). Who else has a website, anyway?

Wow, I'm actually kind of tired. But tomorrow I've got to pick up a new skirt at F21 (it better still be there!) and hang out with Jill and the cousins! ^_^ WDKY18 is, like its predecessor, being a bit stubborn, but that's 'cause there's no real juicy content (sorry). And I rearranged CO7's chapters again, and made up some more chapter titles. Looks like CO7 will be a full 36 chapters, as there's only about 3 chapters now that I haven't filled out with something. And then when I actually write that much, it might spill over.

I kind of waver between writing moods and Photoshopping moods. I think I may Photoshop one last icon for my Seto x Anzu and then finally make a post... I made a banner using Kysra's colored-in artwork (a WDKY sketch!) and it looks GOOOOOOD! :)