A little bit louder now

[azurite]

Ah, post-Valentine's Day mortem. Always a thrill.

So Valentine's Day was a bust. Let's face it-- you're not supposed to cry on V-Day, not unless they're "happy tears" due to some sweet, unexpected action. Well, there was none of that. What disappointed me most:
* The fact that of the Valentine's I got, they were from Mom and Joe. It's ironic, really, that I would get one from the parent that I complain about the most, and my EX-boyfriend, as opposed to my current one.
* The fact that I took the initiative and tried to make plans, and even though the weather was on our side, circumstances were not (Scott was too sick to do anything).

So no card, no hug, no gift of anything! No rose, no picnic at the Hollywood sign at night while watching the stars, no Mimosa-scented bath! Even though we watched "Shakespeare in Love" there was no cuddling or kissing between us. If it's not San Diego, it's being sick-- lately he's just never in the mood to be affectionate!

Needless to say, while I accepted Scott being sick, it didn't stop me from feeling bummed. I mean, I just saw all my plans get dashed before my eyes! Wouldn't that upset anyone? I guess what keeps frustrating me is how emotionless/calm-cool-collected he always seems. It's both a good and a bad thing, because I have this weird sense of security that he'll never blow up at me or humiliate me in public (more on that later). And we can do what I planned another day.

The hard part is making this work-- I mean, really, because I want to, so badly. We have to spend more time together and get "that" back (whatever "that" is). I can't believe we're having these horrible married-for-twenty-years couple disputes already! I don't want us to break up and still be in love with one another. Call me an idealist or a romantic or whatever, but what else would you need in a relationship BUT love?

*sigh* Please Goddess, let this work!

Today was worse, in it's own right. Even though I said good bye in the morning to Scott before I left, like I promised I would, I didn't expect him to not be at school. In fact, I kept looking out my Philosophy classroom window, hoping to see him standing there, waiting for me. No luck. So I called home, and Scott answered! He picked me up, which was unexpected, since I figured he'd probably say I should walk home and stop needing rides everywhere. I considered this, but then Scott came anyway.

Baba was at the supermarket while Grandpa was watching TV, so we just sort of hung around for a while. I still can't get the internet on this comp's visitor account to work-- something about McAfee not being installed properly (even though I reinstalled it and everything), so Mozilla won't start up, either. I had to log him into my account. -_- I have to get this fixed before everyone comes here for Passover on April 16th. I took some antihistamines for my cold (which is supposedly in much better condition than Scott's), and it wasn't long before I was all sleepy and loopy. I'm a lightweight, which means the littlest amount of medicine packs a punch for me.

Well, I don't know why Scott wanted me to come with him to the Apple store to get his Wireless card, but I went anyway. I didn't want to spend any money at the mall since I have to save for Japan, and so it was pretty easy to resist-- even Border's. But I kept asking myself why I was there, since I'm no expert or even a fan of Macs. We found what we were looking for, but it occurred to me that we didn't double-check the requirements for the card in Scott's computer, and I told Scott so. He then responded very uncharacteristically-- "Okay, okay!" in the most frustrated voice I've ever heard him speak in. Apparently with my ears all clogged up and my head all swimming, I was talking louder than I thought, and he just went right for the kill and, with the expression on his face and the tone of his voice, pretty much made me feel stupid, useless, and horribly out of place.

He could have said, "Hey, sssh, you're a bit loud," or something. The only thing more vicious than his reaction would have been "Just shut up!" *sigh* So I was upset and tried to leave the store quietly, but Scott kept telling me to come back (it was weird, it was a cross between pleading and not pleading). Things were good up until we went to the registers and I asked the cashier if the card was the right one for us, and even the cashier was giving me lip-- he said "I just told you--" over and over again, when I wasn't repeating any questions or anything. I was clarifying what he'd told me, asking if he could do the same.

Scott's got a G4 with this thing called the AirPort Setup Assistant on it, for setting up a wireless card or base station. I wanted to ask if that Assistant could help set up the card we wanted, an AirPort Extreme. The cashier was not clear whether all G4s came pre-installed with a AirPort, and the Extreme was an upgrade, if all G4s of a certain make and model came with the Extreme, or if none of the computers came with anything, and you needed one to have the other. I think we need the original AirPort card, and THEN we might get the Extreme, but it's not necessary. The thing is, even though the Extreme replaces the original, you can't have the Extreme WITHOUT the original. -_- Stupid bunk.

So we didn't buy the card or the Mac OSX Visual Learning book Scott wanted. We left empty-handed. We swung by American Eagle, and it occurred to me that on Scott's Valentine from his mom, she'd said "buy some chocolate or something nice for Meredith for Valentine's." She gave him $20 to do so. But I didn't get anything. Not even a card. Should I be frustrated or upset? Should I even bring it up, considering the long talk we had last night about Valentine's Day and my disappointment? Scott said that I expect things of him that he either isn't aware of or inherently can't deliver (i.e. the being more emotional thing), and he gives so much to me without receiving anything in return. He wants me to take more initiative in the relationship, more control, but I really don't know what that means (despite the nickname "Power Trippy Bitch" that I supposedly earned in ROTC).

So we came home after swinging by Vons (again, he only bought 2 things-- toothpaste and water. So why did he want me to come in with him?) and spoke as little as necessary. I went to sleep, feeling ill, and he... well, he did something, and now he's in Burbank, presumably visiting Brett and the guys. Who knows how long he's been gone (at least an hour at this point) or what he's telling the guys about me (if anything), but I don't know what to do. Even Baba and Grandpa are apprised of the situation, and the advice I get is mixed-- don't apologize, just pretend nothing's happened. Hang onto Scott, he's a keeper. I know all this. I'm sick of apologizing anyway, sick of crying over Scott. I hate making excuses like "I'm PMSing" (I am) or "I'm sick" (I am) as if that washes away all my behavior.

*sigh* So I wrote this post-it note on it that simply says: *kiss* and has a little happy face with a question mark beside it in the corner. As far as I'm concerned it's "saying it" without saying it, and now the ball's in his court-- from whenever he gets home. So he wasn't well enough to go to school tonight, but he's perfectly okay going to Burbank? Hrm...

I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I'm going to be a good girl and get to my copy-editing homework, watch the remainder of today's Westminster Dog Show, and hope that both Scott and I are in better health and better spirits soon.

Comments

[katiat325.livejournal.com]

So, my fellow power-trippy bitch, he doesn't get anything in return? Not even having his ticket to SF paid for, staying with you while here, living with you (is it for free?), having you around whenever he wants...?

And you know what...you guys have been dating for a while and its your first valentine together...WTF!?!? he couldn't even get a hallmark card...what,he's never heard of Wallgreens?!?!

*wince*

[azurite]

Well, we talked until 2am last night, and we're doing better in a way, but this cold or whatever is just taking everything out of us. It's true when he says we don't talk as much, and the truth was because I was always afraid of his reaction-- I wanted to let him initiate as much as possible, and yet that was what was bugging him all along! It's weird.

Yes, he is technically staying with me for free, but he's supposed to be helping around the house, and he pays for his own groceries, services, etc. And as for having me around 24-7, well, that might not be a good thing. We've been kind of distant from one another ever since we left San Francisco-- or maybe it all started when he got there, I don't know.

As for Valentine's, I've resolved not to waste any more energy complaining about his lack of romantic-ness. We both have our excuses, and there will always be another day-- like our 6 month anniversary on Mar. 1. I'm not going to let him screwball THAT.

[zigx.livejournal.com]

If you want my honest advice about the whole situation, this is how I see it. You guys have obviously gotten past the whole honeymoon phase and now it's on to maintanance which anyone who is or has ever been in a relationship can probably say with certainty that it is the hardest part. I think that the whole moving in thing might not be what's in your best interest right now. I realize that it's doing Scott a tremendous favor, but if you're wondering why you're getting into so many "married couples" fights is because u pretty much are like married couples right now. Living together with someone will totally change the way u view them, how they view u, and just generally how u two interact. All my friends are great, but I think I would end up hating them if I had to live with them. This is especially true in dealing with significant others. When u're together 24/7 it kind of takes away the excitement of going to their place, or spending a weekend alone together. Maybe that's a reason he's been so unresponsive and non-romantic to u? Every relation will have it snags and pitfalls, that's what strengthens u in the end. With that said, I don't know about u, but when I get angry at my significant other, I prefer not to be around them for awhile, not just because I am mad at them, but because I tend to cool off and have a chance to look at things. When you're living together u don't have that luxury, u don't want to put yourself in a situation where it's like u are mad at them, or they are mad at u, but u don't want things to be so akward so u try to fix them at any cost, even if it means the solution u presented is just a quick fix.

Bottom line: "Call me an idealist or a romantic or whatever, but what else would you need in a relationship BUT love?" COMMUNICATION, not trying to say that ur relationship has none, but dont assume stuff here. "As far as I'm concerned it's "saying it" without saying it">Like here just say what needs to be said, don't beat around the bush. Above all just really think about the whole moving in, if it's something u guys want to continue. IF the worst were to happen, what then? Discuss it with one another, knowing that it has it's pros and cons.

Well that's it, that's pretty much a mini essay right there, but yeah, my thoughts of the top of my head. Choose to heed them or not, just know that they are out there.

No, you're right

[azurite]

You're right... you are. I asked Scott himself what you needed besides love, and of course, you need to put effort into it, have patience, communication skills... all of these things I thought were innate, sort of like being human. They come along with the package. Why would someone get into a relationship with another person if that S.O. didn't have patience, determination, etc.? It's like, "What's the point?"

So according to Scott (and am I prone to always being a yes-girl and believing whatever the guy says?) I need to start hauling back and looking at the Big Picture, and face reality and facts-- thinking with my head and not always my heart. That means that as swell as we've been at times, there are times when we will disagree or be apart or whatever. He's going to start spending nights in the photo lab, and I'll be alone doing whatever at home. It sucks, but it's life. I have to accept it and move on. Of course, easier said than done.

The moving situation sounded so freakishly good when we first contemplated it, and I never expected the g'rents to agree. But it's been nearly a month now and things have been "eh" at best, I'd say. It's nice that he's right next door, and that I have a backup person to give me a ride. It's nice to know with 80% certainty where he is all the time, but on the flipside, I don't get the same privacy, or the giggles from his TMs and IMs.

So maybe you're right and this "moved in" thing should just be temporary. Right now, we don't have much of a choice. We have to work through this and then consider him in an apartment and me elsewhere. Or work through this and consider us together, package, and not letting anything else get in the way.

I hope.

[homgsekrit.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Well...the two comments above pretty much say it all. And yeah, aren't you doing him a *HUGE* favour by letting him live with you? I don't recall that as being something you had to do....

Something that irks me about people in general is a lack of consideration and appreciation, but sometimes you just have to sit back and see things from their pov. That lack included. I mean, I hate rubbing things in people's faces, but sometimes you have to speak up for yourself, otherwise you end up walked all over.

You especially need to talk, since you have that problem with him where you expect things from him and he's unaware. Though...Valentine's Day...really, I don't think that needs a neon sign to know you get something for someone.... *shrugs*

By the way, finally read the newest chapter of WDKY put up. ^^;; I'll make a comment, eventually, I swear, but it looks like ff.net is being evil about punctuation. x__X Not sure what happened there, that aside, it was overall enjoyable, and I get the sinking feeling Malik's arrival is a sign that things about the "Bakura situation" are about to get more interesting. ^^;;; I won't say anymore about what I think, because I could be wrong...but I really hope it's what I think it is. ^O^ *eager*

Ding ding!

[azurite]

Again, right. I'll try to prevent my comments from turning into essays, but yes, it's all about me saying what I want, instead of hoping for him to guess. Too bad men aren't mind readers.

As for WDKY15, finally! Someone who realizes it's not ME behind those evil punctuation problems! I've constantly edited in QuickEdit, with little to no success. I'll try finishing what's left of it today and replacing the chapter, but who knows? Stupid FFnet support ticket down... grr!

*cough* As for Marik's arrival and the Bakura situation, well, let's just say it's going to get interesting. Like you said. :)

Re: Ding ding!

[homgsekrit.livejournal.com]

but yes, it's all about me saying what I want, instead of hoping for him to guess. Too bad men aren't mind readers.

Aww.... X__X What you really need is just for him to do something really sweet without any implication from you that you need it, that way it shows he's thinking of you. Just...some slight consideration would be nice. Any sign that he's not too wrapped up in himself to notice how you're doing or feeling.

As for ff.net...that's just a pain, really. And I knew it couldn't have been you, because there's no way you would have that many punctuation errors.

And isn't interesting such a nifty little word. It says so little.... ^^;;

Re: Ding ding!

[azurite]

See, you know exactly what I'm talking about! And I'm not a very difficult girl to work with in that respect (I'd think). I mean, little things like flowers, chocolates, or a random surprise trip somewhere-- they'd all totally melt my heart, and yet he wants me to TELL him to surprise me? Doesn't that take all the fun out of it? I really don't know how to phrase it though, and if it sounds like I'm being selfish.

I love the word "interesting." It's so delightfully vague.

Let me be surprised!

[homgsekrit.livejournal.com]

Yep..thought it was something like that. And yes, telling him, "I want to be surprised" does take all of the fun out of it...and now I'm thinking of "All Dogs Go To Heaven." ^^;;; Heh.... I'm gonna have that song stuck in my head now.... Either way, it's not selfish. You've a right to want things in life. It's probably the expecting part that causes problems, not the wanting.

But sadly, some men just don't get it. Everything else is pretty true, though. It takes communication and working things out...but a surprise once in a while is nice too. And I'll laugh at anyone who tells me that's just the "honeymoon" phase type of thing to do.

I knew people who had four kids, married for ages...and the husband would still surprise his wife with something from time to time, and she'd do things for him too. They were so...loving. X__X Really. He'd give her massages, and she baked for him. *sigh* So wonderful. They had their ups and downs, of course--almost wanted a divorce at one point--but they stuck it out through everything together, and are currently still very happy.

People do need space, I won't argue with that. Space once in a while can make a huge difference, but it takes dedication and strength to maintain any relationship. Distance isn't always the answer, because if you're serious about each other, eventually you'll be living together anyway, so you're going to have to adapt to it at some point.

People also have a slight misconception about love that leads to certain problems to--thinking that you fall in love. You don't. Never. You grow into it. In a relationship, you grow together, and mature. You learn, you change, and adapt. If that person really means everything to you, you'll learn soon enough both sides have to give. Both sides have to sacrifice a little of themselves for the other. You have to compromise, ect....

All of this has been said, of course, but I just had to say something...because I'm annoying that way. *shrugs*

[shockman.livejournal.com]

Um... Well, I always cry on V-day so it's not really THAT big of a thing. Don't sweat the "not getting cards or candies" thing. Hell, I haven't gotten zip from anyone but my mom and grandma for the last 4 years [year before that my sister got me a card LOL]. Yeah, far as these issues with you and Scott go, I'm not gonna butt in this time. Sorry bout last time as well. -shockman

It could be worse...

[cutieme4u.livejournal.com]

Yea, love sucks. (I read that off some guys t-shirt on my way to class and I couldn't agree with it more.) But hey, at least ur guy's still loyal to you. That in itself makes him a definite keeper, so just hang in there and we'll all make it through our situations and tough issues, hopefully!

Re: It could be worse...

[azurite]

It's horrible for me to doubt him... I don't as often as I used to (back when Carolyn was unmarried) but every now and then I wonder if all these girls he's partnered with in photo lab or some class ever hit on him, or get him all heated up with darkroom talk.

All I know is that if he ever cheated on me and I found out, I'd kick him out of the house and threaten him with my nice sharp Egyptian dagger. ^_^

happy unvalentine's day!

[time-guardian.livejournal.com]

more of this is repeat of the above comments, but still please read my total randomness:
relationships require more than just love, they require CONSTANT communication. you gotta TELL (in words, to his face) what you think and he has to respond in the same manner. here's the kicker: after everything is said and done, get over it! both of you have to vent and move on. don't drag out arguments for longer than 24 hours. mike and i live together (and have been for over 2 yeasr!), so trust me, you and scott will get into plenty of arguments and will get on each others nerves, but you have to learn to deal with the situation together and get over it. and if scott is not willing to be a part of the solution, he IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR EFFORT!!!!! NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS, TRUST YOUR OWN INTUITION. dont play games, and in the end, be true to YOURSELF!

Re: happy unvalentine's day!

[azurite]

I'm figuring everything out the hard way-- though a hard, nice way, through advice and repetition. It's sort of like being hit in the head multiple times with something sweet and sticky-- it doesn't bother you until you realize it's stuck in your hair.

Anyway, I'd like to think we never sleep on an argument or disagreement; we always talk one way or the other. Sometimes, it's not even planned, but stuff eventually comes out. I'm praying that I'm making a difference in what I do right now, and what I've learned since then. I hope once we're both over our colds and able to spend more time with each other, things will be okay.