A little bit louder now
Feb. 15th, 2005 08:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteAh, post-Valentine's Day mortem. Always a thrill.
So Valentine's Day was a bust. Let's face it-- you're not supposed to cry on V-Day, not unless they're "happy tears" due to some sweet, unexpected action. Well, there was none of that. What disappointed me most:
* The fact that of the Valentine's I got, they were from Mom and Joe. It's ironic, really, that I would get one from the parent that I complain about the most, and my EX-boyfriend, as opposed to my current one.
* The fact that I took the initiative and tried to make plans, and even though the weather was on our side, circumstances were not (Scott was too sick to do anything).
So no card, no hug, no gift of anything! No rose, no picnic at the Hollywood sign at night while watching the stars, no Mimosa-scented bath! Even though we watched "Shakespeare in Love" there was no cuddling or kissing between us. If it's not San Diego, it's being sick-- lately he's just never in the mood to be affectionate!
Needless to say, while I accepted Scott being sick, it didn't stop me from feeling bummed. I mean, I just saw all my plans get dashed before my eyes! Wouldn't that upset anyone? I guess what keeps frustrating me is how emotionless/calm-cool-collected he always seems. It's both a good and a bad thing, because I have this weird sense of security that he'll never blow up at me or humiliate me in public (more on that later). And we can do what I planned another day.
The hard part is making this work-- I mean, really, because I want to, so badly. We have to spend more time together and get "that" back (whatever "that" is). I can't believe we're having these horrible married-for-twenty-years couple disputes already! I don't want us to break up and still be in love with one another. Call me an idealist or a romantic or whatever, but what else would you need in a relationship BUT love?
*sigh* Please Goddess, let this work!
Today was worse, in it's own right. Even though I said good bye in the morning to Scott before I left, like I promised I would, I didn't expect him to not be at school. In fact, I kept looking out my Philosophy classroom window, hoping to see him standing there, waiting for me. No luck. So I called home, and Scott answered! He picked me up, which was unexpected, since I figured he'd probably say I should walk home and stop needing rides everywhere. I considered this, but then Scott came anyway.
Baba was at the supermarket while Grandpa was watching TV, so we just sort of hung around for a while. I still can't get the internet on this comp's visitor account to work-- something about McAfee not being installed properly (even though I reinstalled it and everything), so Mozilla won't start up, either. I had to log him into my account. -_- I have to get this fixed before everyone comes here for Passover on April 16th. I took some antihistamines for my cold (which is supposedly in much better condition than Scott's), and it wasn't long before I was all sleepy and loopy. I'm a lightweight, which means the littlest amount of medicine packs a punch for me.
Well, I don't know why Scott wanted me to come with him to the Apple store to get his Wireless card, but I went anyway. I didn't want to spend any money at the mall since I have to save for Japan, and so it was pretty easy to resist-- even Border's. But I kept asking myself why I was there, since I'm no expert or even a fan of Macs. We found what we were looking for, but it occurred to me that we didn't double-check the requirements for the card in Scott's computer, and I told Scott so. He then responded very uncharacteristically-- "Okay, okay!" in the most frustrated voice I've ever heard him speak in. Apparently with my ears all clogged up and my head all swimming, I was talking louder than I thought, and he just went right for the kill and, with the expression on his face and the tone of his voice, pretty much made me feel stupid, useless, and horribly out of place.
He could have said, "Hey, sssh, you're a bit loud," or something. The only thing more vicious than his reaction would have been "Just shut up!" *sigh* So I was upset and tried to leave the store quietly, but Scott kept telling me to come back (it was weird, it was a cross between pleading and not pleading). Things were good up until we went to the registers and I asked the cashier if the card was the right one for us, and even the cashier was giving me lip-- he said "I just told you--" over and over again, when I wasn't repeating any questions or anything. I was clarifying what he'd told me, asking if he could do the same.
Scott's got a G4 with this thing called the AirPort Setup Assistant on it, for setting up a wireless card or base station. I wanted to ask if that Assistant could help set up the card we wanted, an AirPort Extreme. The cashier was not clear whether all G4s came pre-installed with a AirPort, and the Extreme was an upgrade, if all G4s of a certain make and model came with the Extreme, or if none of the computers came with anything, and you needed one to have the other. I think we need the original AirPort card, and THEN we might get the Extreme, but it's not necessary. The thing is, even though the Extreme replaces the original, you can't have the Extreme WITHOUT the original. -_- Stupid bunk.
So we didn't buy the card or the Mac OSX Visual Learning book Scott wanted. We left empty-handed. We swung by American Eagle, and it occurred to me that on Scott's Valentine from his mom, she'd said "buy some chocolate or something nice for Meredith for Valentine's." She gave him $20 to do so. But I didn't get anything. Not even a card. Should I be frustrated or upset? Should I even bring it up, considering the long talk we had last night about Valentine's Day and my disappointment? Scott said that I expect things of him that he either isn't aware of or inherently can't deliver (i.e. the being more emotional thing), and he gives so much to me without receiving anything in return. He wants me to take more initiative in the relationship, more control, but I really don't know what that means (despite the nickname "Power Trippy Bitch" that I supposedly earned in ROTC).
So we came home after swinging by Vons (again, he only bought 2 things-- toothpaste and water. So why did he want me to come in with him?) and spoke as little as necessary. I went to sleep, feeling ill, and he... well, he did something, and now he's in Burbank, presumably visiting Brett and the guys. Who knows how long he's been gone (at least an hour at this point) or what he's telling the guys about me (if anything), but I don't know what to do. Even Baba and Grandpa are apprised of the situation, and the advice I get is mixed-- don't apologize, just pretend nothing's happened. Hang onto Scott, he's a keeper. I know all this. I'm sick of apologizing anyway, sick of crying over Scott. I hate making excuses like "I'm PMSing" (I am) or "I'm sick" (I am) as if that washes away all my behavior.
*sigh* So I wrote this post-it note on it that simply says: *kiss* and has a little happy face with a question mark beside it in the corner. As far as I'm concerned it's "saying it" without saying it, and now the ball's in his court-- from whenever he gets home. So he wasn't well enough to go to school tonight, but he's perfectly okay going to Burbank? Hrm...
I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I'm going to be a good girl and get to my copy-editing homework, watch the remainder of today's Westminster Dog Show, and hope that both Scott and I are in better health and better spirits soon.
So Valentine's Day was a bust. Let's face it-- you're not supposed to cry on V-Day, not unless they're "happy tears" due to some sweet, unexpected action. Well, there was none of that. What disappointed me most:
* The fact that of the Valentine's I got, they were from Mom and Joe. It's ironic, really, that I would get one from the parent that I complain about the most, and my EX-boyfriend, as opposed to my current one.
* The fact that I took the initiative and tried to make plans, and even though the weather was on our side, circumstances were not (Scott was too sick to do anything).
So no card, no hug, no gift of anything! No rose, no picnic at the Hollywood sign at night while watching the stars, no Mimosa-scented bath! Even though we watched "Shakespeare in Love" there was no cuddling or kissing between us. If it's not San Diego, it's being sick-- lately he's just never in the mood to be affectionate!
Needless to say, while I accepted Scott being sick, it didn't stop me from feeling bummed. I mean, I just saw all my plans get dashed before my eyes! Wouldn't that upset anyone? I guess what keeps frustrating me is how emotionless/calm-cool-collected he always seems. It's both a good and a bad thing, because I have this weird sense of security that he'll never blow up at me or humiliate me in public (more on that later). And we can do what I planned another day.
The hard part is making this work-- I mean, really, because I want to, so badly. We have to spend more time together and get "that" back (whatever "that" is). I can't believe we're having these horrible married-for-twenty-years couple disputes already! I don't want us to break up and still be in love with one another. Call me an idealist or a romantic or whatever, but what else would you need in a relationship BUT love?
*sigh* Please Goddess, let this work!
Today was worse, in it's own right. Even though I said good bye in the morning to Scott before I left, like I promised I would, I didn't expect him to not be at school. In fact, I kept looking out my Philosophy classroom window, hoping to see him standing there, waiting for me. No luck. So I called home, and Scott answered! He picked me up, which was unexpected, since I figured he'd probably say I should walk home and stop needing rides everywhere. I considered this, but then Scott came anyway.
Baba was at the supermarket while Grandpa was watching TV, so we just sort of hung around for a while. I still can't get the internet on this comp's visitor account to work-- something about McAfee not being installed properly (even though I reinstalled it and everything), so Mozilla won't start up, either. I had to log him into my account. -_- I have to get this fixed before everyone comes here for Passover on April 16th. I took some antihistamines for my cold (which is supposedly in much better condition than Scott's), and it wasn't long before I was all sleepy and loopy. I'm a lightweight, which means the littlest amount of medicine packs a punch for me.
Well, I don't know why Scott wanted me to come with him to the Apple store to get his Wireless card, but I went anyway. I didn't want to spend any money at the mall since I have to save for Japan, and so it was pretty easy to resist-- even Border's. But I kept asking myself why I was there, since I'm no expert or even a fan of Macs. We found what we were looking for, but it occurred to me that we didn't double-check the requirements for the card in Scott's computer, and I told Scott so. He then responded very uncharacteristically-- "Okay, okay!" in the most frustrated voice I've ever heard him speak in. Apparently with my ears all clogged up and my head all swimming, I was talking louder than I thought, and he just went right for the kill and, with the expression on his face and the tone of his voice, pretty much made me feel stupid, useless, and horribly out of place.
He could have said, "Hey, sssh, you're a bit loud," or something. The only thing more vicious than his reaction would have been "Just shut up!" *sigh* So I was upset and tried to leave the store quietly, but Scott kept telling me to come back (it was weird, it was a cross between pleading and not pleading). Things were good up until we went to the registers and I asked the cashier if the card was the right one for us, and even the cashier was giving me lip-- he said "I just told you--" over and over again, when I wasn't repeating any questions or anything. I was clarifying what he'd told me, asking if he could do the same.
Scott's got a G4 with this thing called the AirPort Setup Assistant on it, for setting up a wireless card or base station. I wanted to ask if that Assistant could help set up the card we wanted, an AirPort Extreme. The cashier was not clear whether all G4s came pre-installed with a AirPort, and the Extreme was an upgrade, if all G4s of a certain make and model came with the Extreme, or if none of the computers came with anything, and you needed one to have the other. I think we need the original AirPort card, and THEN we might get the Extreme, but it's not necessary. The thing is, even though the Extreme replaces the original, you can't have the Extreme WITHOUT the original. -_- Stupid bunk.
So we didn't buy the card or the Mac OSX Visual Learning book Scott wanted. We left empty-handed. We swung by American Eagle, and it occurred to me that on Scott's Valentine from his mom, she'd said "buy some chocolate or something nice for Meredith for Valentine's." She gave him $20 to do so. But I didn't get anything. Not even a card. Should I be frustrated or upset? Should I even bring it up, considering the long talk we had last night about Valentine's Day and my disappointment? Scott said that I expect things of him that he either isn't aware of or inherently can't deliver (i.e. the being more emotional thing), and he gives so much to me without receiving anything in return. He wants me to take more initiative in the relationship, more control, but I really don't know what that means (despite the nickname "Power Trippy Bitch" that I supposedly earned in ROTC).
So we came home after swinging by Vons (again, he only bought 2 things-- toothpaste and water. So why did he want me to come in with him?) and spoke as little as necessary. I went to sleep, feeling ill, and he... well, he did something, and now he's in Burbank, presumably visiting Brett and the guys. Who knows how long he's been gone (at least an hour at this point) or what he's telling the guys about me (if anything), but I don't know what to do. Even Baba and Grandpa are apprised of the situation, and the advice I get is mixed-- don't apologize, just pretend nothing's happened. Hang onto Scott, he's a keeper. I know all this. I'm sick of apologizing anyway, sick of crying over Scott. I hate making excuses like "I'm PMSing" (I am) or "I'm sick" (I am) as if that washes away all my behavior.
*sigh* So I wrote this post-it note on it that simply says: *kiss* and has a little happy face with a question mark beside it in the corner. As far as I'm concerned it's "saying it" without saying it, and now the ball's in his court-- from whenever he gets home. So he wasn't well enough to go to school tonight, but he's perfectly okay going to Burbank? Hrm...
I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I'm going to be a good girl and get to my copy-editing homework, watch the remainder of today's Westminster Dog Show, and hope that both Scott and I are in better health and better spirits soon.
