Utter lack of trust

Note: these entries are being reposted from what used to be my FreeOpenDiary, where my username was *azurite*. I preserved the entries before I left FOD for LiveJournal, but back then I was much vaguer about references to people in my real life; as a result, I can't always provide background info on these posts. Some of these things I don't even remember! The majority of these entries were written in my sophomore year of high school.

It bites not being able to trust someone you THOUGHT was your friend.

The scenario? Picture this: a guy is crushing on you. Whoopee. If you're not into the whole "boyfriend" "Valentine's Day" scene, then this is not good news. What makes it worse is that a) he's about 2 years older than you. Okay, no major diff, but it feels funny. Some people get along with people tens of years older than them. Others, the opposite. And still more-- just don't. They either seclude themselves completely, or just stick with people in the year above or below them. Give or take a few months, maybe. Oh yes, b) is the fact that before you even KNEW the guy, he had a rep. It's prejudice to let someone's rep fool you, but when they live UP to their rep, what are you supposed to do? This guy was a total pervert, and I was getting reports from all my friends. Friends who didn't know the other friends, friends who didn't give a damn, or people I just talked to by accident. "Stay away from him, he's a pig." I heard. Oh well, I'm wishing I had heeded their advice now. So this pig is crushing on me, flattering yes, but distracting. I have plenty of guy friends, and I'm usually never uncomfortable with them. But once I hear that one of them is crushing on me... well, it's BAD. This guy was never my friend, per se, but...

Ok, so my friends now know that this guy is into me, and I'm NOT. Months, and months pass by. I give the "crushee" hints, ranging from subtle to blantantly, smack-you-in-the-face obvious. He's obviously as thick as a pole, because he never got the hints. So a week or so back, one of my guy "friends" decides to drop in in my Bio class. I should note that this "friend" of mine, we'll call him Joe, had been (and still is) crushing on one of my other best buds-- Jane. Jane's in my Bio class too, and that's why he drops by sometimes-- to see her. At the time, she had told him off several times: he pursued her, she wasn't interested or had her eyes on someone else. He didn't get it. What was more, he was highly overprotective, a liar and show-off, an @$$ kisser to the teachers, and worse, a blabbermouth. That was the problem. Blabbermouths are usually eavesdroppers too. I was talking to Jane about my problem with the guy crushing on me, and Joe interrupts, saying he'll talk to him for me. I immediately decline the offer- I think of how it would feel to have someone say to me "Oh, he hates you," instead of from his face. It's more cowardly on the person's part, too. I was really thinking of the other guy's feelings when I denied Joe's offer, and explained to him why. He looked like he understood, but... apparently not, because when I IMed the guy crushing on me, he told me what "Joe had told him" and totally guilt tripped me. He forgave me, and all was well on that end, thank god. BUT. BUT Joe was playing games with me. Not only had he betrayed my trust, lied to me, and then some, but while I was talking to the "crushee" I was also talking to Jane-- and someone else I didn't know, but, after Jane identified the SN, I found out was Joe. For the past half hour, he had been playing guessing games with me, denying my correct guesses... all in all, getting me very pissed.

I ignored him for a while, but it only seemed to make him angrier. Jane totally understood my position, and I believe she started ignoring him too, throwing Joe into a typical fit of rage and depression. Not a fun guy to be around. As of late, I've been wondering why I was ever friends with someone like Joe in the first place. Maybe I'm out of bounds here, but I don't want to speak to him until he apologizes.

Stuck Like Glue

Oh I'm so creative with my titles, huh? *laughs* Oh well, I suppose when I write so freelance, I'm not as "stingy" (with my titles, etc). I write stories in most of my free time, fanfics for animes and tv shows, to be exact. Lord knows it isn't some arcane thing that only weirdos know about. It's too lengthy to explain-- it isn't really the topic of this entry anyway.

The deal is, last year, when I was a freshman, I fell -slowly, sort of like how molasses drips down an... anything-- for this guy. Not just any guy, unfortunately, it had to be a tall (I'm short), mixed (I'm white, and it sucks most of the time), senior. (Needless to say, he was not interested) Oh wait, I take that back. For the better half of the year, we usually acted like rivals. I took whatever shots I could to piss him off, and he did the same to me. After a while, I came to expect it, like the kind of thing you get from an older brother. I should mention here that I don't have any siblings. I mean I used to, but she (my older sis) died when she was 19 in a hiking accident. I don't mind taking about her, or how it happened, but if anyone pesters me, I rip their esophagus out with a smile on my face.

BACK to the guy issue. So he was like the sibling I no longer had. Despite my constantly bitching at hinm (suffice it so say; hell, I'm an Aries) I respected him, and, like all "doomed" relationships, I had to let it go further. I started to admire him for traits that other people hated. I started to appreciate his mannerisms, no matter how crude (or egotistical). I started to fall in love with him, and me, after just coming out of what I call a "relationship" but may not truly have been so (another diary entry, my friends) thought the part of my conscience that was bouncing off the wall over this face-was crazy. Yeah. Now he's gone, and I can't stop thinking about him, despite the fact that I haven't seen/heard or anything about him since June of 2000. I don't want to believe that I was actually -and possibly still am- in love with him, but I don't know what love really is. I consider myself too young and I haven't "played the field" enough to discover what love is. But... I'm stuck on him.

Does It Count?

I met someone at my after school when I was quote-unquote little. I don't actually put that in quotes, because you could read it as being physically little, which I still am, or little, as in, small, young, immature... which is what I meant. Anywho, he was nice. An outcast like me, for some of the same, and for different reasons. I had other friends, of course, I had crushes, but he was really nice to me. REALLY nice. He bought me presents of quarts, jewelry boxes made out of glass and gold, roses... he spoiled me rotten, and told me he loved me. I didn't know what to think-- I suppose I was young, naive, and inexperienced. Then again, so was he. He was younger than I. Yet he claimed he had "experience". I never believed him about that, though. Up to 5th grade, even after we both left the after school and only saw each other when we arranged it to be so, we were friends.

But that summer, in 1996, my sister died in a tragic accident. I call that the "Year of Hell" because after that one day in summer, my life changed. I never expected to hear that my older sister was dead. Broken legs, maybe even handicapped for a while, but never dead. She was my role model, and I always thought she was more responsible than that. Throughout the whole funeral ordeal, he was the only one there for me. No one thought to call my friends; I didn't have the strength to. I had to be my mother's support, and I slowly grew into thinking that was all I was worth. I wasn't a daughter at all. I blamed myself, of course, almost all siblings involved in tragedies do, but no one ever took the immense pain of it all off my shoulders. I sort of shrunk into a shell, and turned into someone different. Probably someone that would have scared me if I had seen how I'd become.

Middle school started, and I was overjoyed that he was attending the same one as I. I met lots of new people, got involved in lots of problems and work, and slowly drifted away from him. Maybe it was more because of how I had changed, and he sensed it before I did. 7th grade: he ignored me, made new friends, even went to lengths to make me feel horrible my teasing me. But my new friends helped me through. Then, I finally got fed up, asked one of my friends to ask him how he really felt, in private. She returned 15 minutes later, a grim look on her face. Her eyes could have spoekn volumes, but I had hope. Hah. No such thing, not anymore. She related to me that he hated me, thought I was annoying, and stupid, and ugly... the words sounded like something a kindergartener would say, but then...

8th grade came and went, and with it, he did. He moved, and though I had talked to his mother, a friend of my family's, after the ceremony, and seen him as well, nowhere near his horribly influencing friends, I was afraid, and too hurt to do what I wish I HAD done:

Walk up to him without fear, pull him into my arms, and hug him for all he was worth. Tell him softly that I would miss him more than I could say, and no matter how he felt about me, he'd always have a place in my heart, my home, my life. I never saw him again. I don't even know if he still lives where I heard he moved to. I never had an address, and part of me wonders if I still care. I mean, despite the immaturity of our relationship, when I told people about it, they considered him my boyfriend. So, in high school, I had had an ex-boyfriend, one who had broken it of with me rather harshly, and it still hurt. So that was why I didn't understand how I could have fallen in love (supposedly) so easily with someone else, so unlike him, so different from any other guy I seemed to know. Now he's gone too, and I wonder if I really ever loved either of them, or one more. More often, I wonder, did what we had count? To him? For something more than some youthful stupidity? To me, or my future? I don't know. Maybe I never will.