I bleed because I'm sick of crying
Aug. 27th, 2003 11:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azurite*sigh* Well, nothing ever goes like we want it to, does it?
WARNING: Ahead lies an entry from the mind of an Angsty Girl. Lots of Info You Might Not Want To Know, along with Men Are Evil rants. You are forewarned. Don't bash me in comments, because right now, I feel like Eating Someone Alive. -.-
Yeah, okay, so when I finally want to go home from Cyberhunt the other night, Lonnie has to spend like 5 minutes outside talking to people. He said he was going to help out the guy that worked at CH; see if he needed any help. I just sat there... waiting. And waiting. 5 minutes turned into 10, 10 into 15. It didn't look like he was helping anyone out, he was just outside talking with the same idiotic smoking FOBs that always annoy me so much at school.
Of course, that's a prejudice, since I was annoyed, hungry, lonely, and I don't know any of those guys. After all, according to Lonnie, their best friend had just died of cancer, and he was being there for him. That's very nice of him to do, I commend him for that. But then, how do I know he's not shitting me?
Lonnie's the kind of guy you really want to trust, but his voice is the kind where you really, truly, CANNOT tell if he's joking or not. Having been through enough shit with people lying and decieving me, I don't want to me another tally mark on some guy's belt. I mean, it hurt enough when Lonnie just dropped out of my life altogether, saying he had "business," didn't bother to call me or anything. Hence, I was pretty irritated when he finally did call. And I fancied myself crushing on Jonathan, and... well, that pretty much went nowhere.
So here I am, not really "with" anyone. Not really desiring to be, either, I suppose. But doesn't everyone want to be WANTED? Needed by someone? You know, in that MUTUAL sense? My mom doesn't need me, that's for sure-- she spends enough time with her friends and her boyfriend, and doesn't even notice/care when I don't come home. My dad probably doesn't-- while he too, has a girlfriend, it's not like she's domineering in his life (she's at least NICE to me)... but he does work, he does live pretty far away, blah, blah... And then there's Lonnie. Total, the three people in this world that mean the most to me (pretty weird, huh?) and I get nothin'.
Lonnie's been through so much more shit than I have, so really, I have no place to compare. At times, I've convinced myself he's a total jerk, liar, completely untrustworthy, but I'm not really basing that on anything solid. Truth, he seems like a really caring guy. But what ticks me off is sort of what ended up happening as we left.
I just stood off by myself as he was talking to those guys outside. 1) I don't like smokers or hanging around them, so what good would THAT have done? 2) Most of them would have either recognized me or just disliked me for being the snoopy, outsider-pretending-to-be-a-gamer white girl. I don't think those would have been very good starters for conversation, and, despite their situation, I doubt I could have said anything of consolation to them-- or even if I did, that they'd take it to heart. But all that's past now, right? So why wax?
But Lonnie was right, I guess I was sulking by myself. I didn't want to tell him what was wrong-- that I was lonely, and that I was hoping he gave two cents of a damn about me. So it was okay that he was asking me what was wrong, but impossible for me to tell him why. Not like I really needed to, anyway, since he already KNEW what was bugging me, he just wanted me to admit it. So we were both playing games with one another.
And the sad part about it is we really WERE playing games-- mom's boyfriend ended up spending the night *again,* thus I really didn't want to be home, and I started to take out the trash as a last minute "nice gesture" before we split to go wherever. But my attitude provoked Lonnie into withdrawing his offer, and so we ended up playing word games, ones where one person says something, and another person says another word that connects to the first. Then you have to explain your reasons why the words connected. And it was supposed to teach me something, I'm sure, but it ended up being awfully frustrating to me. And it made me even more sad.
Lonnie rarely ever tells me anything about him, what's going on with him, or anything truly comprehensible. Me, I end up spilling the beans to him (though he already KNOWS what's going on with me, he ALWAYS does) and... that's it. I hate being dependent on people. I hate being in this house right now, EVER! I want out! Even if it means getting some stupid job that I don't like, moving into a cramped apartment or dorm with people I don't care for-- maybe I'm disillusioning myself, but I really can't take being HERE anymore. But honestly, can I just give up San Francisco? What if I get into CSUN? Sure, it'd be nice to be around my Grandparents and my other family and all... but... *shrugs* Maybe it'd get just as stifling?
So. We finally ended up going to sleep (Mom did wake up, not realizing how remotely PISSED I was at her for not even CARING about me) some time later, and that was just that. I really don't want to think that me wanting to be with him (just being kept warm by him, nothing nasty or ... whatever else!) is so one-sided. He seems to take a genuine interest in me (though how 'interest' displays itself on Lonnie is another matter altogether) -- given that, despite all the people I get jealous of (some girls at CH, and some chick Lonnie was talking to on Ragnarok) it's not like he spends lots of time with them (but what do I know?). So yeah, I'm full of conflicting doubts and such.
Yesterday, we went to SFSU to work on his schedule and such-- he started classes today, and assuming he could add those classes he wanted, I'm sure he's in one class or another right now. See, I'm jealous, that's the root of the problem. I'm jealous that Lonnie's got so many friends, knows so much, can do so much, and never seems perturbed in the slightest by the sky falling around him. He easily introduces himself to people, and carries on a conversation, where I would easily get embarassed. Me. Somehow this seems very out of place.
Anyway, so he worked everything out, and the only time I felt USEFUL, NEEDED (in the slightest) was when I was helping him write out the times and places of his classes. He kissed me on the cheek when we got that done. And that was that. We went to the bus stop after that, and Lonnie had some business to take care of "downtown," but I wasn't welcome enough to be included. And what would I have done, anyway? Mooched off him more, I suppose, which is a disgusting thought. He was nice enough to pay for my lunch at Stonestown (California Crisp has some good sandwiches... of course, Lonnie saw some people he knew nearby, and spent nearly 5 minutes swaying in place hugging one of them. I didn't want to cry, so instead I looked away and smash some potato chips). But I acted totally immature, I know that, but still. I just hate the fact that I don't feel included at all.
I really wish there was some way that I could stop crying. Never again. But things like smoking, cutting, all that- disgust me. I'm not suicidal or desperate enough to try anything like that. But I really wish "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger eventually" was true. It sure doesn't feel like it. You know, when Lonnie and I parted ways, I got a hug, and that was it. Not that I wanted MORE or anything, it's just... I don't know. I'm leaving for LA this Friday, and he just said something along the lines of "Oh yeah? Have fun." He said something about hearing from him, but... whatever. I really shouldn't put my hopes on it. I have to consider this weekend a vacation from all this mayhem and stuff.
I really wish I could go back in time and NOT mess up junior year like I did-- maybe if I didn't, then I would have been able to apply to colleges in Fall, like my friends. And maybe I'd be going where I wanted, not worrying about all this garbage. What a nice thought. But life's too short for regrets, right? Huh. Maybe not. It's something we say to ourselves to console the fact that we messed up, and we can't do anything to change it NOW.
You know what sucks even more? Eva, if you're reading this, laugh now. I might have seen Jason at Stonestown. Maybe. It could have been him, sitting in his car. But maybe not. If it was, what would I have done, what would I have said? And if it wasn't, I would have been ridiculously embarassed ANYWAY. So. Regret. Is it better to regret what you HAVE done, or what you DIDN'T do?
I don't feel particularly "well" today, nor motivated or excited to do anything. I think I missed the big Mars event last night (well, this morning). Go me. I spent so much time sleeping on the couch... I haven't eaten breakfast yet, so maybe I should do that now. *sigh*
Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world...
O-oh, I want to go back to believing in everything...
O-oh, where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger.
Ooh, I want to go back to believing in everything...
(I still remember)
WARNING: Ahead lies an entry from the mind of an Angsty Girl. Lots of Info You Might Not Want To Know, along with Men Are Evil rants. You are forewarned. Don't bash me in comments, because right now, I feel like Eating Someone Alive. -.-
Yeah, okay, so when I finally want to go home from Cyberhunt the other night, Lonnie has to spend like 5 minutes outside talking to people. He said he was going to help out the guy that worked at CH; see if he needed any help. I just sat there... waiting. And waiting. 5 minutes turned into 10, 10 into 15. It didn't look like he was helping anyone out, he was just outside talking with the same idiotic smoking FOBs that always annoy me so much at school.
Of course, that's a prejudice, since I was annoyed, hungry, lonely, and I don't know any of those guys. After all, according to Lonnie, their best friend had just died of cancer, and he was being there for him. That's very nice of him to do, I commend him for that. But then, how do I know he's not shitting me?
Lonnie's the kind of guy you really want to trust, but his voice is the kind where you really, truly, CANNOT tell if he's joking or not. Having been through enough shit with people lying and decieving me, I don't want to me another tally mark on some guy's belt. I mean, it hurt enough when Lonnie just dropped out of my life altogether, saying he had "business," didn't bother to call me or anything. Hence, I was pretty irritated when he finally did call. And I fancied myself crushing on Jonathan, and... well, that pretty much went nowhere.
So here I am, not really "with" anyone. Not really desiring to be, either, I suppose. But doesn't everyone want to be WANTED? Needed by someone? You know, in that MUTUAL sense? My mom doesn't need me, that's for sure-- she spends enough time with her friends and her boyfriend, and doesn't even notice/care when I don't come home. My dad probably doesn't-- while he too, has a girlfriend, it's not like she's domineering in his life (she's at least NICE to me)... but he does work, he does live pretty far away, blah, blah... And then there's Lonnie. Total, the three people in this world that mean the most to me (pretty weird, huh?) and I get nothin'.
Lonnie's been through so much more shit than I have, so really, I have no place to compare. At times, I've convinced myself he's a total jerk, liar, completely untrustworthy, but I'm not really basing that on anything solid. Truth, he seems like a really caring guy. But what ticks me off is sort of what ended up happening as we left.
I just stood off by myself as he was talking to those guys outside. 1) I don't like smokers or hanging around them, so what good would THAT have done? 2) Most of them would have either recognized me or just disliked me for being the snoopy, outsider-pretending-to-be-a-gamer white girl. I don't think those would have been very good starters for conversation, and, despite their situation, I doubt I could have said anything of consolation to them-- or even if I did, that they'd take it to heart. But all that's past now, right? So why wax?
But Lonnie was right, I guess I was sulking by myself. I didn't want to tell him what was wrong-- that I was lonely, and that I was hoping he gave two cents of a damn about me. So it was okay that he was asking me what was wrong, but impossible for me to tell him why. Not like I really needed to, anyway, since he already KNEW what was bugging me, he just wanted me to admit it. So we were both playing games with one another.
And the sad part about it is we really WERE playing games-- mom's boyfriend ended up spending the night *again,* thus I really didn't want to be home, and I started to take out the trash as a last minute "nice gesture" before we split to go wherever. But my attitude provoked Lonnie into withdrawing his offer, and so we ended up playing word games, ones where one person says something, and another person says another word that connects to the first. Then you have to explain your reasons why the words connected. And it was supposed to teach me something, I'm sure, but it ended up being awfully frustrating to me. And it made me even more sad.
Lonnie rarely ever tells me anything about him, what's going on with him, or anything truly comprehensible. Me, I end up spilling the beans to him (though he already KNOWS what's going on with me, he ALWAYS does) and... that's it. I hate being dependent on people. I hate being in this house right now, EVER! I want out! Even if it means getting some stupid job that I don't like, moving into a cramped apartment or dorm with people I don't care for-- maybe I'm disillusioning myself, but I really can't take being HERE anymore. But honestly, can I just give up San Francisco? What if I get into CSUN? Sure, it'd be nice to be around my Grandparents and my other family and all... but... *shrugs* Maybe it'd get just as stifling?
So. We finally ended up going to sleep (Mom did wake up, not realizing how remotely PISSED I was at her for not even CARING about me) some time later, and that was just that. I really don't want to think that me wanting to be with him (just being kept warm by him, nothing nasty or ... whatever else!) is so one-sided. He seems to take a genuine interest in me (though how 'interest' displays itself on Lonnie is another matter altogether) -- given that, despite all the people I get jealous of (some girls at CH, and some chick Lonnie was talking to on Ragnarok) it's not like he spends lots of time with them (but what do I know?). So yeah, I'm full of conflicting doubts and such.
Yesterday, we went to SFSU to work on his schedule and such-- he started classes today, and assuming he could add those classes he wanted, I'm sure he's in one class or another right now. See, I'm jealous, that's the root of the problem. I'm jealous that Lonnie's got so many friends, knows so much, can do so much, and never seems perturbed in the slightest by the sky falling around him. He easily introduces himself to people, and carries on a conversation, where I would easily get embarassed. Me. Somehow this seems very out of place.
Anyway, so he worked everything out, and the only time I felt USEFUL, NEEDED (in the slightest) was when I was helping him write out the times and places of his classes. He kissed me on the cheek when we got that done. And that was that. We went to the bus stop after that, and Lonnie had some business to take care of "downtown," but I wasn't welcome enough to be included. And what would I have done, anyway? Mooched off him more, I suppose, which is a disgusting thought. He was nice enough to pay for my lunch at Stonestown (California Crisp has some good sandwiches... of course, Lonnie saw some people he knew nearby, and spent nearly 5 minutes swaying in place hugging one of them. I didn't want to cry, so instead I looked away and smash some potato chips). But I acted totally immature, I know that, but still. I just hate the fact that I don't feel included at all.
I really wish there was some way that I could stop crying. Never again. But things like smoking, cutting, all that- disgust me. I'm not suicidal or desperate enough to try anything like that. But I really wish "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger eventually" was true. It sure doesn't feel like it. You know, when Lonnie and I parted ways, I got a hug, and that was it. Not that I wanted MORE or anything, it's just... I don't know. I'm leaving for LA this Friday, and he just said something along the lines of "Oh yeah? Have fun." He said something about hearing from him, but... whatever. I really shouldn't put my hopes on it. I have to consider this weekend a vacation from all this mayhem and stuff.
I really wish I could go back in time and NOT mess up junior year like I did-- maybe if I didn't, then I would have been able to apply to colleges in Fall, like my friends. And maybe I'd be going where I wanted, not worrying about all this garbage. What a nice thought. But life's too short for regrets, right? Huh. Maybe not. It's something we say to ourselves to console the fact that we messed up, and we can't do anything to change it NOW.
You know what sucks even more? Eva, if you're reading this, laugh now. I might have seen Jason at Stonestown. Maybe. It could have been him, sitting in his car. But maybe not. If it was, what would I have done, what would I have said? And if it wasn't, I would have been ridiculously embarassed ANYWAY. So. Regret. Is it better to regret what you HAVE done, or what you DIDN'T do?
I don't feel particularly "well" today, nor motivated or excited to do anything. I think I missed the big Mars event last night (well, this morning). Go me. I spent so much time sleeping on the couch... I haven't eaten breakfast yet, so maybe I should do that now. *sigh*
Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world...
O-oh, I want to go back to believing in everything...
O-oh, where has my heart gone?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger.
Ooh, I want to go back to believing in everything...
(I still remember)
