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azuriteI spent too long on That Site and ended up stumbling across this one, about Console RPG clichés.
A few stood out to me for there being a game I knew/played/was popular that broke the mold. Yay, fandom! Sometimes.
Interestingly, some are just plain wrong. And others made me remember all kinds of games and their characters, big and small. I had no idea clichés were so prevalent, but now I am thusly enlightened: and you can be, too!
And that's all...for now, folks!
A few stood out to me for there being a game I knew/played/was popular that broke the mold. Yay, fandom! Sometimes.
Interestingly, some are just plain wrong. And others made me remember all kinds of games and their characters, big and small. I had no idea clichés were so prevalent, but now I am thusly enlightened: and you can be, too!
Let's Start From The Very Beginning (Yuna Rule)
Whenever there is a sequel to an RPG that features the same main character as the previous game, that character will always start with beginner skills. Everything that they learned in the previous game will be gone, as will all their ultra-powerful weapons and equipment.
The thing with FFX-2 is, it's been two years. Yuna's been Miss Spira, diplomat and advice-giver to the entire damn world. Not much time to practice blowing up fiends or Sinspawn. And then, when she finally does get around to fighting, you find out pretty quick (with each new dressphere that you get) that Yuna's certainly using her old weapons: all of her wands/rods, including Nirvana, show up as the weapons for the Black Mage, while others' weapons from FFX show up as weapons for other dresspheres. The one notable exception is Rikku: she doesn't have her targes from the previous game, and now uses those handheld circular-but-pointy blade things. I don't know what they're called because you don't equip weapons in FFX-2.
Yuna obviously can't summon any aeons, because the fayth are supposedly gone. When the aeons do show up again, they're not exactly in a mood for listening to what she's got to say.
And as for accessories? Well come on, how long do you really hold onto those Ghysal Greens, anyway?
The Higher The Hair, The Closer To God (Cloud Rule)
The more outrageous his hairstyle, the more important a male character is to the story.
Thank god this one's still in existence. Because it also applies to anime fandoms: Yuugi Mutou, anyone? And I think it can work for female characters, too. How many times have we all made fun of Usagi for that hairdo of hers, wondering how in the heck no one recognizes her as being Sailor Moon (or vice versa), what with those trademark "odango" of hers. And apparently it's a hereditary hairstyle, what with good ol' Q. Serenity having the same 'do. Powerful Women Have (Hair) Buns in Weird Styles. TRU FAX.
Hey, I Know You!
You will accumulate at least three of these obligatory party members:
◦ The demure, soft-spoken female mage and healing magic specialist who is not only in love with the hero, but is also the last survivor of an ancient race. (Aerith, Rena, Rinoa, though the latter's not very soft-spoken at all...)
◦ The achingly beautiful gothy swords(wo)man who is riven by inner tragedy. (Paine, Auron, Squall...)
◦ The big, tough, angry guy who, deep down, is a total softy. (Kimahri, fanon!Abel Nox from SO3)
◦ The hero's best friend, who is actually much cooler than the hero. (Auron!? Failing that: Sophia from SO3. I liked her much better than Fayt.)
◦ The weird bonus character who requires a bizarre series of side quests to make them effective (with the ultimate result that no player ever uses this character if it can be avoided.) (Welch, although I recruited her in SO:SE and she's frakin' awesome with that Nibelung--something or other! attack of hers)
◦ The nauseatingly cute mascot who is useless in all battles. (Pericci?! I don't know, I haven't recruited her in my SO:FD game yet. But she seems like she might be the type)
I get the feeling I'm forgetting some obvious ones. I omitted parts of this list where I didn't think of someone right off the bat. And it can still probably apply to anime/manga characters too, with some adaptations.
Hey, I Know You, Three!
Furthermore, expect to encounter most of the following obligatory non-player chararcters (NPCs):
◦ The townsperson or crewmember who wanders aimlessly in circles and never quite gets where he is going. (Ruddle in every single Star Ocean!)
◦ Hilariously incompetent or cowardly soldiers. (Seen at the Lacour Frontline in SO:SE/SO2, and I'm pretty sure at Mushroom Rock Road in FFX before the big attack against Sin, too.)
◦ The NPC who has a crush on another NPC and can't quite work up the nerve to tell him or her, so instead tells every other person who wanders by about it at great length. (I know I've seen this in SO:SE/SO2 for sure, but I'm not sure about any other games.)
◦ A group of small children playing hide-and-seek. (Part of a major plot point in SO:SE/SO2, though I don't know if it was hide-and-seek they were playing. I know ONE kid was hiding at the point when he stole my freakin' wallet!)
◦ The wise and noble captain/king/high priest. (Regis in SO:SE/SO2, though he's a mayor, but also the town's priest anyway; the four kings in SO:FD, the two kings in SO:SE/SO2, blah blah...)
◦ The (adult) NPC who has nothing better to do than play kids' games with passersby. (Applies to any game with a mini-game. FF8, FF9, FF--well, X at least you had to play Blitzball at the stadium, and in FFX-2, Sphere Break only occurred on certain occasions too. In SO:SE/SO2 and SO3, mini-games were limited to a "town of amusement.")
◦ The group of young women who have formed a scarily obsessive fan club for one of your female party members. (There's this hilarious scene in SO:SE (not sure if it's in SO2) where perfume sets off a crowd of people of all genders going after Celine. Rena can choose to try it on and get Claude going nuts on her, too, or she can become a fangirl of Celine's, or...anyway, the result is hilarity. Also, in SO:FD, there are a few groups of girls who sell Fanfic!? of varying varieties, many of which seem to feature female characters on the front. Also, doesn't Quistis have her own fanclub in FF8?)
"Silly Squall, bringing a sword to a gunfight..."
No matter what timeframe the game is set in -- past, present, or future -- the main hero and his antagonist will both use a sword for a weapon. (Therefore, you can identify your antagonist pretty easily right from the start of the game just by looking for the other guy who uses a sword.) These swords will be far more powerful than any gun and often capable of distance attacks.
No point in trying to identify characters who fit into this cliché, since it's pretty much every RPG I've ever played, but it's worth noting that Sword + Gun = Gunblade and it IS more awesome than just a sword or just a gun. Squall kicks Irvine's ass!
That said, guns and their ilk are better suited for FPS--since that's what that genre is built off of (SHOOTING SHIT). Swords are kind of elegant and cool, and blades in general can be suited to all kinds of characters, which makes them much more flexible than firearms. How often do you see an RPG character whip out a cannon? Point in fact, Irvine is the only RPG character I can think off of the top of my head that uses a gun of any sort, even a magically-powered one that lasts THROUGHOUT the game. Oh, and Yuna in FFX-2, but she's special, as are her guns. (An aside: in SO:SE/SO2, guns tend to break pretty easily. See: Phase Gun, Lacour Hope)
Aeris's Corollary
Just as the main male character will always use a sword or a variant of a sword, the main female character will always use a rod or a staff of some sort.
Rena from SO:SE/SO2 uses knuckles/cestus (cesti?), which remind me of Rikku's targes, but she's more of a mage than a physical attacker, anyway, so they end up not mattering much. I wonder if there's a way to run a Rena game where you avoid using her healing as much as possible and turn her into a masher-basher? Celine, however, does use staves, as does Noel, but Noel can ALSO use knuckles/cestus (and so can Bowman, though he can't cast spells), and Leon, who does cast spells, does so with books!
Even if the female's not a spellcaster (which is what rods/staves are usually for), there's something inherently sexy about a girl being able to kick ass with a long stick, while male characters have to use their fists or some pointy thing.
Also: Rinoa, who uses a projectile...thing.
MacGyver Rule
Other than for the protagonists, your choice of weapons is not limited to the prosaic guns, clubs, or swords. Given appropriate skills, you can cut a bloody swath across the continent using gloves, combs, umbrellas, megaphones, dictionaries, sketching tablets -- you name it, you can kill with it. Even better, no matter how surreal your choice of armament, every store you pass will just happen to stock an even better model of it for a very reasonable price. Who else is running around the world killing people with an umbrella?
(1) This is why MacGyver was awesome.
(2) This is part of what makes RPGs fun--I love customizing weapons.
(3) It helps add character and sometimes humor. (Final Dictionary Attack: CLOBBER!)
Though truth be told, I have yet to play an RPG where combs, umbrellas, megaphones, or sketching tablets are weapons. Combs I can see, especially if they were dagger-sharp or poison-tipped ones hidden in the hair of a sexy fighter lady, and umbrellas too, since, well...PENGUIN!, but megaphones? I could imagine a really loud character like Welch being able to grab one out of Hammerspace, if her Handy Stick ever got knocked away from her. Shout "NIBELUNG--something or other!" really loud and throw down a blast of energy.
Capitalism Is A Harsh Mistress
Once you sell something to a shopkeeper, he instantly sells it to somebody else and you will never see the item again no matter what.
This particular cliché has screwed me over in FFX, FFX-2, and SO:SE/SO2. Damn you capitalism!
Dimensional Transcendence Principle
Buildings are much, much larger on the inside than on the outside, and that doesn't even count the secret maze of tunnels behind the clock in the basement.
If only this would explain why the Cave of Trials/Maze of Tribulations in SO:SE/SO2 is a pyramid, but you go DOWN floors despite walking in at ground level. At least in SO:FD and SO3, the bonus dungeon layout makes more sense given what you can see of it (if anything) from the world map/outside.
Also, wasn't this half the fun in RPG Maker?
Nostradamus Rule
All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All prophecies will come true, and not just someday but almost immediately.
Too bad we never get to find out what the ancient tome delivered to dear ol' Keith in Linga (SO:SE/SO2) actually says. This is brought up in SO:EX, the anime with a wildly divergent plot, but it's almost not worth mentioning being that it's practically a different fandom in its own right.
That said, Dias really is that badass (somehow despite only two years or so passing since his family's massacre), spreading rumors can be especially beneficial in an Atlus game *cough*Persona 2*cough*, and people tend to misinterpret prophecies, which is why their possibility of coming true freaks so many people out (Persona 2: Innocent Sin).
IDKFA
The basic ammunition for any firearms your characters have is either unlimited or very, very easy to obtain. This will apply even if firearms are extremely rare.
If it were any other game, I would say "Get your FPS out of my RPG!" but it's Doom that the title/cheat code (for unlocking all keys and unlimited ammo), and Doom's one of my childhood favorites, so I'll let it slide. That said, I dislike Irvine (FF8) mainly because his ammo that IS so easy to acquire sucks, and his best ammo is a pain to get. So this rule seems null and void for the one firearm in an RPG that I actually know about (I just remembered that Katsuya in Persona 2: Eternal Punishment does have a gun, but unless your Persona's been killed or something, there's not really any reason for a physical attack without one, so it's practically a moot point. You certainly can't get ammo for his gun--or Maya's, and I think she uses some kind of a gun, too. Don't even bother mentioning Yuna in FFX-2, because her ammo's just flat-out unlimited for the Gunner dressphere.)
George W. Bush Geography Simplification Initiative
Every country in the world will have exactly one town in it, except for the country you start out in, which will have three.
*snickersnort* Not true for a single RPG I've ever played, but damn is this funny!
Fodor's Guide Rule
In the course of your adventure you will visit one desert city
1. The castle-town in FFVI (forgot its name; shame on me)
2. Home in FFX
3. The Sanubia Sands camp (which had a different name) in FFX-2
4. The Maze of Tribulations in SO:SE/SO2, though not really a city
5. The Mosel Dunes in SO3, where you find one of the cool Inventors, get close to where the Final Boss will be beat, and play your way through a Pain in the Ass Dungeon with Lots of Cool Stuff (again, not really a town, but it's somewhat populated...)
one port town
1. Harley, Kurik (Clik), Hilton in SO:SE/SO2
2. Luca in FFX, FFX-2
3. Balamb in FF8
4. Several towns in SO:FD whose names escape me at the moment, but traveling by ship is fairly common in the Star Ocean games. Maybe it's because of the word "ocean" in the title?
one mining town
1. Salva in SO:SE/SO2
2. Airyglyph, which owns the Bequerel Mines just to the northeast-ish (SO3)
3. Kirlsa, which has the closed-down mines that end up leading to the bonus dungeon entrance
Harder to pull off in more modern RPGs, like Persona, but I don't think there's one like this in FFX/FFX-2, either! Heck, is there even one in FF8? I know there's one in FFVI?
one casino city
1. Gemity in SO3
2. The aptly-named Fun City (except for the death and destruction stuff when you first visit) in SO:SE/SO2--now that I think about it, was there one in SO:FD? I don't remember one...would the town where you meet Puffy, T'Nique, et. al. be the closest thing, since it's got the fighting arena?
3. Luca in FFX, because it's where all the major games--blitzball and Sphere Break--are played, and where people generally go to chill and get away from temples and crazy shit.
4. There are casinos in Persona 2, but not a whole city, since it's various places within given cities that serve as the places of action.
blah blah edited...
On the way you'll also get a chance to see the cave with rocks that glow from a natural energy source, the village populated with nonhuman characters, the peaceful village where everyone knows the latest news about the hero's quest (see Guy in the Street Rule), the snow village, the magical forest/lake/mountain, the shop in the middle of nowhere, the fantastic-looking place with lots of FMVs just showing your entrance, the subtropical jungle island populated by friendly natives, the annoying cavern maze, and a place -- any place -- that was destroyed in some past disaster.
1. There's a snow village in SO3 (Airyglyph) and FF8 (Shumi Village's entrance, right? And Trabia Garden too, right?), but Macalania's the closest you can come to this in FFX/FFX-2, and there's not really a village you see, so much as the Guado that you know live there.
2. Macalania is also the magical forest and home to a magical lake in FFX/FFX-2 (and Gagazet could be a "magical mountain" if you consider all the fayth there, and in FFX-2, the ruins atop it), while Lasguss in SO:SE/SO2 is home to Xine/Zinae the magical demon bird. There's also the mountain you travel to in order to get Metox to save poor ol' Eleanor in Hilton (SO:SE/SO2) and the mountain you first meet Ronyx and Ilia on in SO:FD, which is also supposed to be the location of another herb to help with the stone disease afflicting everyone they care about on Roak. Mars/Marze Village in SO:SE/SO2 is home to a pretty good forest to train your symbological spells in (what with it being a village of spellcasters and all), and the area just before Suferio in SO3, where the hot springs are either healing or poisonous, the trees are demonic, and the Mountain of the Gods lies beyond, where you can save Ameena from certain death (maybe).
3. Santa is the "shop in the middle of the bonus dungeon" in SO:FD, SO:SE/SO2, and SO3, but there's also the special hidden store in SO:SE SO2 on the island near Giveaway/Princebridge. You could say that O'aka and his store in Macalania are pretty close to "middle of nowhere" in FFX, as are any merchants out in the Sanubia Sands.
4. Esthar would be the fantastic-looking place for FF8, as would Zanarkand (also applies to the last one) for FFX/X-2, but Luca also applies for FFX.
5. Kilika in FFX/FFX-2, but Besaid could also count. Can't think of any for Persona 2, but the Star Ocean games seem to have a few mildly-temperate locales, such as Suferio, Aquios, and Arias (SO3), a few whose names I don't remember from SO:FD, and...it might be a stretch with the ones in SO2, but perhaps Linga and...?
6. Maze of Tribulations (SO:SE, SO3), Cave of Trials (SO2), Cave of the Seven Stars (SO:FD), Omega Ruins (FFX), Underwater Research Facility (FF8), and undoubtedly more from various RPGs. A necessity, wouldn't you say?
7. ZANARKAND!!!!! And others, probably. I know SO3 is just peppered with ruins (Aquatic Gardens, the Ruins of Coffir on Vanguard III, the Ancient Ruins of Mosel), and SO:SE/SO2's got the mysterious Cave of Trials/Maze of Tribulations, the Mountain Palace, while FF8's got the ruins where you meet Odin for the first time.
Principle of Narrative Efficiency
If the main villain (or the enemy you've been trying to kill for most of the game before he summons the real final villain) was ever defeated in the past by another group of adventurers, one of them will secretly be in your party and one of them will be the hero's father.
I wish I'd known this before FFX, because the the plot might not have surprised me as much as it did (that first time, which was way after everyone else beat it into the pavement and lost any surprise they may have had).
It's too bad this didn't happen with SO:SE, but I guess it was enough to have Claude be Ronyx (and Ilia's!?) son, rather than sticking one of the old crew into the gang for shits and giggles. Don't get me wrong, I love all the SO:FD and SO:SE characters on their own, but a bit more racial variety is always fun, which is why SO3 was pretty damn cool. What the SO series' stories always taking place on underdeveloped planets, though, it's no surprise really that most of your party is formed by locals who are generally of the same race/species, with few exceptions.
Sixth Law of Travel
Nobody gets to own a cooler ride than you. If you ever do see a cooler vehicle than the one you've got now, at some point before the end of the game you will either take over this vehicle, get something even bigger and better, or else see it destroyed in a glorious blaze.
So THAT explains why they totally dusted that awesome tank in FF8! And I had to stick with that rust bucket car that ran out of gas...!
Also: chocobos are always cooler than hovers and, I'm sorry to say it, Shoopufs too.
If You Meet The Buddha In A Random Encounter, Kill Him!
When you're out wandering around the world, you must kill everything you meet. People, animals, plants, insects, fire hydrants, small cottages, anything and everything is just plain out to get you. It may be because of your rampant kleptomania (see Garrett's Principle.)
I LOL'd. That is all.
Xenobiology Rule
The predatory species of the world will include representatives of all of the following: giant spiders, giant scorpions, giant snakes, giant beetles, wolves, squid, fish that float in midair, gargoyles, golems, carnivorous plants, chimeras, griffons, cockatrices, hydras, minotaurs, burrowing things with big claws, things that can paralyze you, things that can put you to sleep, things that can petrify you, at least twenty different creatures with poisonous tentacles, and dragons. Always dragons.
It's funny because it's true.
Wait! That Was A Load-Bearing Boss!
Defeating a dungeon's boss creature will frequently cause the dungeon to collapse, which is nonsensical but does make for thrilling escape scenes.
Except when it's such an awesome dungeon that you get to do a victory dance your whole way back up, as in SO:SE/SO2.
Supply and Demand Axiom
Killing a powerful enemy will usually yield an item or weapon that would've been extremely useful if you had gotten it before killing that enemy.
This is why I should have done that damn Ruddle sidequest in SO:SE instead of waiting to have my ass handed to me by a bunch of LVL 99 "Funny Thieves!"
Edison's Lament
No switch is ever in the right position.
Except when you've MAYBE been to that dungeon before and don't remember and the solution to the new puzzle is the inverse of the old one, but you wouldn't know that without messing with the switches that were right before but were wrong now, anyway. (The Labyrinth of Champions in SO:FD.)
Three Females Rule
There will always be either one or three female characters in the hero's party, no matter how many male characters there are.
But what if the hero is a woman? In FFX-2, we only have 3 player characters, all female, but in Persona 2: Eternal Punishment, Maya is the main character and the only other female to join the party is Ulala. The others are all guys: Katsuya, Baofu, Tatsuya, and...er, does anyone else ever join?
However:
FF8: Rinoa, Selphie, Quistis (beautiful, cute, sexy)
FFX: Rikku, Yuna, and Lulu (cute, beautiful, sexy)
SO:FD: Millie, Mavelle/Erys, Ilia (Welch is optional--all the other characters are guys, even the optional ones)
GAMES TO PIMP IN:
SO:SE: Rena, all others are optional, but you can get: Celine, Opera, Precis, Chisato, and Welch in your party without any hassle.
SO3: Sophia, Maria, Nel (Mirage is optional, I think, but it is possible to have all of them, and Peppitta/Souffle Rosetti, too)
Invisible Bureaucracy Rule
Other than the royal family, its shifty advisor, and the odd mad scientist, the only government employees you will ever encounter in the course of your adventure are either guards or kitchen staff.
Freakishly true and the source for a potential plot bunny. I've also seen maids and other royal "staff" like a court-appointed symbologist, but that's about it!
Second Law of Fashion
Any character's costume, no matter how skimpy, complicated, or simply outlandish, is always completely suitable to wear when climbing around in caves, hiking across the desert, and slogging through the sewers. It will continue to be completely suitable right afterwards when said character goes to meet the King.
Laundry is boring.
Gold Saucer Rule
The strongest weapons/items/spells in the entire game can only be found by doing things like racing birds.
Racing birds while hitting balloons. Or dodging lightning bolts. Or playing with a ball underwater. Or... GRRR!
Compression of Time
As you approach the final confrontation with the villain, events will become increasingly awkward, contrived and disconnected from one another -- almost as if some cosmic Author was running up against a deadline and had to slap together the ending at the last minute.
Is this coincidence or does it really explain FF8?
Whenever there is a sequel to an RPG that features the same main character as the previous game, that character will always start with beginner skills. Everything that they learned in the previous game will be gone, as will all their ultra-powerful weapons and equipment.
The thing with FFX-2 is, it's been two years. Yuna's been Miss Spira, diplomat and advice-giver to the entire damn world. Not much time to practice blowing up fiends or Sinspawn. And then, when she finally does get around to fighting, you find out pretty quick (with each new dressphere that you get) that Yuna's certainly using her old weapons: all of her wands/rods, including Nirvana, show up as the weapons for the Black Mage, while others' weapons from FFX show up as weapons for other dresspheres. The one notable exception is Rikku: she doesn't have her targes from the previous game, and now uses those handheld circular-but-pointy blade things. I don't know what they're called because you don't equip weapons in FFX-2.
Yuna obviously can't summon any aeons, because the fayth are supposedly gone. When the aeons do show up again, they're not exactly in a mood for listening to what she's got to say.
And as for accessories? Well come on, how long do you really hold onto those Ghysal Greens, anyway?
The Higher The Hair, The Closer To God (Cloud Rule)
The more outrageous his hairstyle, the more important a male character is to the story.
Thank god this one's still in existence. Because it also applies to anime fandoms: Yuugi Mutou, anyone? And I think it can work for female characters, too. How many times have we all made fun of Usagi for that hairdo of hers, wondering how in the heck no one recognizes her as being Sailor Moon (or vice versa), what with those trademark "odango" of hers. And apparently it's a hereditary hairstyle, what with good ol' Q. Serenity having the same 'do. Powerful Women Have (Hair) Buns in Weird Styles. TRU FAX.
Hey, I Know You!
You will accumulate at least three of these obligatory party members:
◦ The demure, soft-spoken female mage and healing magic specialist who is not only in love with the hero, but is also the last survivor of an ancient race. (Aerith, Rena, Rinoa, though the latter's not very soft-spoken at all...)
◦ The achingly beautiful gothy swords(wo)man who is riven by inner tragedy. (Paine, Auron, Squall...)
◦ The big, tough, angry guy who, deep down, is a total softy. (Kimahri, fanon!Abel Nox from SO3)
◦ The hero's best friend, who is actually much cooler than the hero. (Auron!? Failing that: Sophia from SO3. I liked her much better than Fayt.)
◦ The weird bonus character who requires a bizarre series of side quests to make them effective (with the ultimate result that no player ever uses this character if it can be avoided.) (Welch, although I recruited her in SO:SE and she's frakin' awesome with that Nibelung--something or other! attack of hers)
◦ The nauseatingly cute mascot who is useless in all battles. (Pericci?! I don't know, I haven't recruited her in my SO:FD game yet. But she seems like she might be the type)
I get the feeling I'm forgetting some obvious ones. I omitted parts of this list where I didn't think of someone right off the bat. And it can still probably apply to anime/manga characters too, with some adaptations.
Hey, I Know You, Three!
Furthermore, expect to encounter most of the following obligatory non-player chararcters (NPCs):
◦ The townsperson or crewmember who wanders aimlessly in circles and never quite gets where he is going. (Ruddle in every single Star Ocean!)
◦ Hilariously incompetent or cowardly soldiers. (Seen at the Lacour Frontline in SO:SE/SO2, and I'm pretty sure at Mushroom Rock Road in FFX before the big attack against Sin, too.)
◦ The NPC who has a crush on another NPC and can't quite work up the nerve to tell him or her, so instead tells every other person who wanders by about it at great length. (I know I've seen this in SO:SE/SO2 for sure, but I'm not sure about any other games.)
◦ A group of small children playing hide-and-seek. (Part of a major plot point in SO:SE/SO2, though I don't know if it was hide-and-seek they were playing. I know ONE kid was hiding at the point when he stole my freakin' wallet!)
◦ The wise and noble captain/king/high priest. (Regis in SO:SE/SO2, though he's a mayor, but also the town's priest anyway; the four kings in SO:FD, the two kings in SO:SE/SO2, blah blah...)
◦ The (adult) NPC who has nothing better to do than play kids' games with passersby. (Applies to any game with a mini-game. FF8, FF9, FF--well, X at least you had to play Blitzball at the stadium, and in FFX-2, Sphere Break only occurred on certain occasions too. In SO:SE/SO2 and SO3, mini-games were limited to a "town of amusement.")
◦ The group of young women who have formed a scarily obsessive fan club for one of your female party members. (There's this hilarious scene in SO:SE (not sure if it's in SO2) where perfume sets off a crowd of people of all genders going after Celine. Rena can choose to try it on and get Claude going nuts on her, too, or she can become a fangirl of Celine's, or...anyway, the result is hilarity. Also, in SO:FD, there are a few groups of girls who sell Fanfic!? of varying varieties, many of which seem to feature female characters on the front. Also, doesn't Quistis have her own fanclub in FF8?)
"Silly Squall, bringing a sword to a gunfight..."
No matter what timeframe the game is set in -- past, present, or future -- the main hero and his antagonist will both use a sword for a weapon. (Therefore, you can identify your antagonist pretty easily right from the start of the game just by looking for the other guy who uses a sword.) These swords will be far more powerful than any gun and often capable of distance attacks.
No point in trying to identify characters who fit into this cliché, since it's pretty much every RPG I've ever played, but it's worth noting that Sword + Gun = Gunblade and it IS more awesome than just a sword or just a gun. Squall kicks Irvine's ass!
That said, guns and their ilk are better suited for FPS--since that's what that genre is built off of (SHOOTING SHIT). Swords are kind of elegant and cool, and blades in general can be suited to all kinds of characters, which makes them much more flexible than firearms. How often do you see an RPG character whip out a cannon? Point in fact, Irvine is the only RPG character I can think off of the top of my head that uses a gun of any sort, even a magically-powered one that lasts THROUGHOUT the game. Oh, and Yuna in FFX-2, but she's special, as are her guns. (An aside: in SO:SE/SO2, guns tend to break pretty easily. See: Phase Gun, Lacour Hope)
Aeris's Corollary
Just as the main male character will always use a sword or a variant of a sword, the main female character will always use a rod or a staff of some sort.
Rena from SO:SE/SO2 uses knuckles/cestus (cesti?), which remind me of Rikku's targes, but she's more of a mage than a physical attacker, anyway, so they end up not mattering much. I wonder if there's a way to run a Rena game where you avoid using her healing as much as possible and turn her into a masher-basher? Celine, however, does use staves, as does Noel, but Noel can ALSO use knuckles/cestus (and so can Bowman, though he can't cast spells), and Leon, who does cast spells, does so with books!
Even if the female's not a spellcaster (which is what rods/staves are usually for), there's something inherently sexy about a girl being able to kick ass with a long stick, while male characters have to use their fists or some pointy thing.
Also: Rinoa, who uses a projectile...thing.
MacGyver Rule
Other than for the protagonists, your choice of weapons is not limited to the prosaic guns, clubs, or swords. Given appropriate skills, you can cut a bloody swath across the continent using gloves, combs, umbrellas, megaphones, dictionaries, sketching tablets -- you name it, you can kill with it. Even better, no matter how surreal your choice of armament, every store you pass will just happen to stock an even better model of it for a very reasonable price. Who else is running around the world killing people with an umbrella?
(1) This is why MacGyver was awesome.
(2) This is part of what makes RPGs fun--I love customizing weapons.
(3) It helps add character and sometimes humor. (Final Dictionary Attack: CLOBBER!)
Though truth be told, I have yet to play an RPG where combs, umbrellas, megaphones, or sketching tablets are weapons. Combs I can see, especially if they were dagger-sharp or poison-tipped ones hidden in the hair of a sexy fighter lady, and umbrellas too, since, well...PENGUIN!, but megaphones? I could imagine a really loud character like Welch being able to grab one out of Hammerspace, if her Handy Stick ever got knocked away from her. Shout "NIBELUNG--something or other!" really loud and throw down a blast of energy.
Capitalism Is A Harsh Mistress
Once you sell something to a shopkeeper, he instantly sells it to somebody else and you will never see the item again no matter what.
This particular cliché has screwed me over in FFX, FFX-2, and SO:SE/SO2. Damn you capitalism!
Dimensional Transcendence Principle
Buildings are much, much larger on the inside than on the outside, and that doesn't even count the secret maze of tunnels behind the clock in the basement.
If only this would explain why the Cave of Trials/Maze of Tribulations in SO:SE/SO2 is a pyramid, but you go DOWN floors despite walking in at ground level. At least in SO:FD and SO3, the bonus dungeon layout makes more sense given what you can see of it (if anything) from the world map/outside.
Also, wasn't this half the fun in RPG Maker?
Nostradamus Rule
All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All prophecies will come true, and not just someday but almost immediately.
Too bad we never get to find out what the ancient tome delivered to dear ol' Keith in Linga (SO:SE/SO2) actually says. This is brought up in SO:EX, the anime with a wildly divergent plot, but it's almost not worth mentioning being that it's practically a different fandom in its own right.
That said, Dias really is that badass (somehow despite only two years or so passing since his family's massacre), spreading rumors can be especially beneficial in an Atlus game *cough*Persona 2*cough*, and people tend to misinterpret prophecies, which is why their possibility of coming true freaks so many people out (Persona 2: Innocent Sin).
IDKFA
The basic ammunition for any firearms your characters have is either unlimited or very, very easy to obtain. This will apply even if firearms are extremely rare.
If it were any other game, I would say "Get your FPS out of my RPG!" but it's Doom that the title/cheat code (for unlocking all keys and unlimited ammo), and Doom's one of my childhood favorites, so I'll let it slide. That said, I dislike Irvine (FF8) mainly because his ammo that IS so easy to acquire sucks, and his best ammo is a pain to get. So this rule seems null and void for the one firearm in an RPG that I actually know about (I just remembered that Katsuya in Persona 2: Eternal Punishment does have a gun, but unless your Persona's been killed or something, there's not really any reason for a physical attack without one, so it's practically a moot point. You certainly can't get ammo for his gun--or Maya's, and I think she uses some kind of a gun, too. Don't even bother mentioning Yuna in FFX-2, because her ammo's just flat-out unlimited for the Gunner dressphere.)
George W. Bush Geography Simplification Initiative
Every country in the world will have exactly one town in it, except for the country you start out in, which will have three.
*snickersnort* Not true for a single RPG I've ever played, but damn is this funny!
Fodor's Guide Rule
In the course of your adventure you will visit one desert city
1. The castle-town in FFVI (forgot its name; shame on me)
2. Home in FFX
3. The Sanubia Sands camp (which had a different name) in FFX-2
4. The Maze of Tribulations in SO:SE/SO2, though not really a city
5. The Mosel Dunes in SO3, where you find one of the cool Inventors, get close to where the Final Boss will be beat, and play your way through a Pain in the Ass Dungeon with Lots of Cool Stuff (again, not really a town, but it's somewhat populated...)
one port town
1. Harley, Kurik (Clik), Hilton in SO:SE/SO2
2. Luca in FFX, FFX-2
3. Balamb in FF8
4. Several towns in SO:FD whose names escape me at the moment, but traveling by ship is fairly common in the Star Ocean games. Maybe it's because of the word "ocean" in the title?
one mining town
1. Salva in SO:SE/SO2
2. Airyglyph, which owns the Bequerel Mines just to the northeast-ish (SO3)
3. Kirlsa, which has the closed-down mines that end up leading to the bonus dungeon entrance
Harder to pull off in more modern RPGs, like Persona, but I don't think there's one like this in FFX/FFX-2, either! Heck, is there even one in FF8? I know there's one in FFVI?
one casino city
1. Gemity in SO3
2. The aptly-named Fun City (except for the death and destruction stuff when you first visit) in SO:SE/SO2--now that I think about it, was there one in SO:FD? I don't remember one...would the town where you meet Puffy, T'Nique, et. al. be the closest thing, since it's got the fighting arena?
3. Luca in FFX, because it's where all the major games--blitzball and Sphere Break--are played, and where people generally go to chill and get away from temples and crazy shit.
4. There are casinos in Persona 2, but not a whole city, since it's various places within given cities that serve as the places of action.
blah blah edited...
On the way you'll also get a chance to see the cave with rocks that glow from a natural energy source, the village populated with nonhuman characters, the peaceful village where everyone knows the latest news about the hero's quest (see Guy in the Street Rule), the snow village, the magical forest/lake/mountain, the shop in the middle of nowhere, the fantastic-looking place with lots of FMVs just showing your entrance, the subtropical jungle island populated by friendly natives, the annoying cavern maze, and a place -- any place -- that was destroyed in some past disaster.
1. There's a snow village in SO3 (Airyglyph) and FF8 (Shumi Village's entrance, right? And Trabia Garden too, right?), but Macalania's the closest you can come to this in FFX/FFX-2, and there's not really a village you see, so much as the Guado that you know live there.
2. Macalania is also the magical forest and home to a magical lake in FFX/FFX-2 (and Gagazet could be a "magical mountain" if you consider all the fayth there, and in FFX-2, the ruins atop it), while Lasguss in SO:SE/SO2 is home to Xine/Zinae the magical demon bird. There's also the mountain you travel to in order to get Metox to save poor ol' Eleanor in Hilton (SO:SE/SO2) and the mountain you first meet Ronyx and Ilia on in SO:FD, which is also supposed to be the location of another herb to help with the stone disease afflicting everyone they care about on Roak. Mars/Marze Village in SO:SE/SO2 is home to a pretty good forest to train your symbological spells in (what with it being a village of spellcasters and all), and the area just before Suferio in SO3, where the hot springs are either healing or poisonous, the trees are demonic, and the Mountain of the Gods lies beyond, where you can save Ameena from certain death (maybe).
3. Santa is the "shop in the middle of the bonus dungeon" in SO:FD, SO:SE/SO2, and SO3, but there's also the special hidden store in SO:SE SO2 on the island near Giveaway/Princebridge. You could say that O'aka and his store in Macalania are pretty close to "middle of nowhere" in FFX, as are any merchants out in the Sanubia Sands.
4. Esthar would be the fantastic-looking place for FF8, as would Zanarkand (also applies to the last one) for FFX/X-2, but Luca also applies for FFX.
5. Kilika in FFX/FFX-2, but Besaid could also count. Can't think of any for Persona 2, but the Star Ocean games seem to have a few mildly-temperate locales, such as Suferio, Aquios, and Arias (SO3), a few whose names I don't remember from SO:FD, and...it might be a stretch with the ones in SO2, but perhaps Linga and...?
6. Maze of Tribulations (SO:SE, SO3), Cave of Trials (SO2), Cave of the Seven Stars (SO:FD), Omega Ruins (FFX), Underwater Research Facility (FF8), and undoubtedly more from various RPGs. A necessity, wouldn't you say?
7. ZANARKAND!!!!! And others, probably. I know SO3 is just peppered with ruins (Aquatic Gardens, the Ruins of Coffir on Vanguard III, the Ancient Ruins of Mosel), and SO:SE/SO2's got the mysterious Cave of Trials/Maze of Tribulations, the Mountain Palace, while FF8's got the ruins where you meet Odin for the first time.
Principle of Narrative Efficiency
If the main villain (or the enemy you've been trying to kill for most of the game before he summons the real final villain) was ever defeated in the past by another group of adventurers, one of them will secretly be in your party and one of them will be the hero's father.
I wish I'd known this before FFX, because the the plot might not have surprised me as much as it did (that first time, which was way after everyone else beat it into the pavement and lost any surprise they may have had).
It's too bad this didn't happen with SO:SE, but I guess it was enough to have Claude be Ronyx (and Ilia's!?) son, rather than sticking one of the old crew into the gang for shits and giggles. Don't get me wrong, I love all the SO:FD and SO:SE characters on their own, but a bit more racial variety is always fun, which is why SO3 was pretty damn cool. What the SO series' stories always taking place on underdeveloped planets, though, it's no surprise really that most of your party is formed by locals who are generally of the same race/species, with few exceptions.
Sixth Law of Travel
Nobody gets to own a cooler ride than you. If you ever do see a cooler vehicle than the one you've got now, at some point before the end of the game you will either take over this vehicle, get something even bigger and better, or else see it destroyed in a glorious blaze.
So THAT explains why they totally dusted that awesome tank in FF8! And I had to stick with that rust bucket car that ran out of gas...!
Also: chocobos are always cooler than hovers and, I'm sorry to say it, Shoopufs too.
If You Meet The Buddha In A Random Encounter, Kill Him!
When you're out wandering around the world, you must kill everything you meet. People, animals, plants, insects, fire hydrants, small cottages, anything and everything is just plain out to get you. It may be because of your rampant kleptomania (see Garrett's Principle.)
I LOL'd. That is all.
Xenobiology Rule
The predatory species of the world will include representatives of all of the following: giant spiders, giant scorpions, giant snakes, giant beetles, wolves, squid, fish that float in midair, gargoyles, golems, carnivorous plants, chimeras, griffons, cockatrices, hydras, minotaurs, burrowing things with big claws, things that can paralyze you, things that can put you to sleep, things that can petrify you, at least twenty different creatures with poisonous tentacles, and dragons. Always dragons.
It's funny because it's true.
Wait! That Was A Load-Bearing Boss!
Defeating a dungeon's boss creature will frequently cause the dungeon to collapse, which is nonsensical but does make for thrilling escape scenes.
Except when it's such an awesome dungeon that you get to do a victory dance your whole way back up, as in SO:SE/SO2.
Supply and Demand Axiom
Killing a powerful enemy will usually yield an item or weapon that would've been extremely useful if you had gotten it before killing that enemy.
This is why I should have done that damn Ruddle sidequest in SO:SE instead of waiting to have my ass handed to me by a bunch of LVL 99 "Funny Thieves!"
Edison's Lament
No switch is ever in the right position.
Except when you've MAYBE been to that dungeon before and don't remember and the solution to the new puzzle is the inverse of the old one, but you wouldn't know that without messing with the switches that were right before but were wrong now, anyway. (The Labyrinth of Champions in SO:FD.)
Three Females Rule
There will always be either one or three female characters in the hero's party, no matter how many male characters there are.
But what if the hero is a woman? In FFX-2, we only have 3 player characters, all female, but in Persona 2: Eternal Punishment, Maya is the main character and the only other female to join the party is Ulala. The others are all guys: Katsuya, Baofu, Tatsuya, and...er, does anyone else ever join?
However:
FF8: Rinoa, Selphie, Quistis (beautiful, cute, sexy)
FFX: Rikku, Yuna, and Lulu (cute, beautiful, sexy)
SO:FD: Millie, Mavelle/Erys, Ilia (Welch is optional--all the other characters are guys, even the optional ones)
GAMES TO PIMP IN:
SO:SE: Rena, all others are optional, but you can get: Celine, Opera, Precis, Chisato, and Welch in your party without any hassle.
SO3: Sophia, Maria, Nel (Mirage is optional, I think, but it is possible to have all of them, and Peppitta/Souffle Rosetti, too)
Invisible Bureaucracy Rule
Other than the royal family, its shifty advisor, and the odd mad scientist, the only government employees you will ever encounter in the course of your adventure are either guards or kitchen staff.
Freakishly true and the source for a potential plot bunny. I've also seen maids and other royal "staff" like a court-appointed symbologist, but that's about it!
Second Law of Fashion
Any character's costume, no matter how skimpy, complicated, or simply outlandish, is always completely suitable to wear when climbing around in caves, hiking across the desert, and slogging through the sewers. It will continue to be completely suitable right afterwards when said character goes to meet the King.
Laundry is boring.
Gold Saucer Rule
The strongest weapons/items/spells in the entire game can only be found by doing things like racing birds.
Racing birds while hitting balloons. Or dodging lightning bolts. Or playing with a ball underwater. Or... GRRR!
Compression of Time
As you approach the final confrontation with the villain, events will become increasingly awkward, contrived and disconnected from one another -- almost as if some cosmic Author was running up against a deadline and had to slap together the ending at the last minute.
Is this coincidence or does it really explain FF8?
And that's all...for now, folks!
