BREAKING NEWS: Twilight fans lamer than ever

[azurite]

SAN FRANCISCO -- Over 3,000 fans of the young adult vampire book series "Twilight" gathered early this morning (and that's saying something, considering it's still only 9:22 am as I'm writing this) outside San Francisco's Stonestown Galleria shopping center, vying for the chance to meet Robert Pattinson, the 22-year-old British star of the upcoming movie adaptation of the same name. After the crowds grew too unruly, police were forced to cancel the event.

Fans were reportedly crushed against mall doors until at least one nose was broken and one person nearly collapsed from asphyxiation.

The event, which was scheduled to take place at the mall's "Hot Topic" store, required fans to purchase a specific "Twilight" item (and thereby support author Stephenie Meyer in her donations to the Mormon church, which funds anti-gay rights measures like Proposition 8, recently passed in California and Arizona) before obtaining a wristband so they could return to the store to meet Pattinson at 6 p.m. Only the truly insane and hardcore were at the mall this morning, as normal folks and fun-loving Twatlighters were scheduled to show up much later in the afternoon and enjoy the LULz over fresh tortilla chips and a margarita.

Hearts have likely been broken by the event's cancellation, but in a posh hotel room somewhere within the Bay Area, Robert Pattinson is likely breathing a sigh of relief, having safely and quite deftly (vampire skillz, whut) avoided yet another encounter with fangirls who make "the sound like you hear at the gates of hell."

The lesson, ladies and gents? Never travel more than 5 miles to meet a celebrity. Never get so excited about someone or something so as to be likened to a creature squealing from the gates of hell. And for the love of God and sparkly vampires, be a Twatlighter, not a Twilighter (or Twihard, for that matter)!

Source: KCBS

Comments

[seeshellirun.livejournal.com]

"as normal folks and fun-loving Twatlighters were scheduled to show up much later in the afternoon and enjoy the LULz over fresh tortilla chips and a margarita."

LOL They mentioned ontd_twatlight.

[seeshellirun.livejournal.com]

Except I'm retarded and noticed this is NOT quoted directly from the article.

FAIL MICHELLE. D:

[azurite]

LOL, I totally wrote the whole thing. I was just excerpting bits and pieces from the KCBS article and what I'd just seen on the news. So of course I injected it with my own brand of non-journalistic wit. :P

[azhp.livejournal.com]

Ah, I figured you had paraphrased when I read that prop 8 was passed in both california and arizona...the props have different numbers in different states so i was like "huh? how does kcbs fail so hard?"

[azurite]

True, it was Prop 102 in Arizona and prop 2 or something in Florida. But to make things easier for people in one state, they'll often talk about the other states' similar propositions as the "equivalent to Prop 8/102/2" without necessarily giving the other state's prop number and therefore confusing the shit out of everyone.

But if my writing (complete with parenthetical asides) is confusing so many people into thinking it's legit, then I've accomplished something-- it comes across as journalistic even with the asides and snark!