Chronic Liar on the Road to Recovery
Aug. 14th, 2002 07:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteWheee! She's back, and she's pepped up on her own adrenaline-or-some-other-such-bodily-fluid-keeping-me-sane...!
Yesterday REALLY sucked. I talked to one of my friends about this whole breakup thing. He cheered me up even though that wasn't really his goal. He didn't accept thanks though... so I guess that makes him a great guy.
I'm going to talk to my friends today... have a GRRLZ day out. I'm listening to Pink as I type this... it's a really hyping music. It makes me feel like a person, instead of an attachment or, *groan* a "side dish" to someone. That's never how I felt with Joe, but that doesn't change the fact that there are some 'pluses' to being "free" now. I don't feel good saying it, and lord knows I may regret it later, but I need to say these things so I can look back and try to make good a situation that is comparable to hell.
I barely slept last night-- after watching the premiere of Monk with my mom, I tried to go to sleep-- and then I woke up at 2:30 and just stared at the ceiling, feeling really lonely and cold. I mean, I imagine that the longer you're with someone, the harder separation is. I mean that in a permanent-the-person-is-dead way or in a s/he-broke-up-with-me-for-whatever-reason. My mom lost her first husband to death... she'd been pregnant with my half-sister at the time, and had gotten into a fight with him. Knowing from experience, I know how much it sucks to end things with someone like that not apologizing. It's the kind of guilt that follows you around.
That kind of makes me wonder if this is some cosmic karma. I have weird dreams, encounter strange people... maybe this was fated? This is, of course, my fatalistic/realistic side coming through. I'm trying to weigh real possibilities of One Month From Now with the fantasy nightmares that really would push me off the deep end.
Maybe I am lying to myself either way-- saying it'll get better with time, or saying that he was a jerk and I'm better off without him (now I KNOW that one's a lie). I'm still trying to figure things out here... I feel like such a pessimist saying stuff like "It had to happen eventually," or "You knew this was coming." Worse, I want to talk to him, but I don't think I should. Maybe I need advice, maybe I don't. This is all so damn confusing... I really want to give him the space he asked for, (was I being smothering? I hadn't seen him for two weeks!) but he also said he wanted to be friends.
If you read my last rant, you know I appreciate his honesty above all else. But I'm going to miss him like I'll keep on missing my sister-- I'll miss the warmth, I'll miss the stupidity, the jokes, the things we have in common... but they won't be GONE, like in another country.
Maybe I'm not really moving on with my life. I don't see myself WITH anyone else a month from now. I see myself coming home and crying myself to sleep again... and the next day. Then school will start, and I'll make it through... I'll tough it out, like I have so many other things. Like Sailormoon said, somethings have to be really lousy for everything else to look good (if you can't tell, that's a total paraphrase). So here I go... it's 7:59, and I have to leave for school. =)
By the way, PINK RULES.
Yesterday REALLY sucked. I talked to one of my friends about this whole breakup thing. He cheered me up even though that wasn't really his goal. He didn't accept thanks though... so I guess that makes him a great guy.
I'm going to talk to my friends today... have a GRRLZ day out. I'm listening to Pink as I type this... it's a really hyping music. It makes me feel like a person, instead of an attachment or, *groan* a "side dish" to someone. That's never how I felt with Joe, but that doesn't change the fact that there are some 'pluses' to being "free" now. I don't feel good saying it, and lord knows I may regret it later, but I need to say these things so I can look back and try to make good a situation that is comparable to hell.
I barely slept last night-- after watching the premiere of Monk with my mom, I tried to go to sleep-- and then I woke up at 2:30 and just stared at the ceiling, feeling really lonely and cold. I mean, I imagine that the longer you're with someone, the harder separation is. I mean that in a permanent-the-person-is-dead way or in a s/he-broke-up-with-me-for-whatever-reason. My mom lost her first husband to death... she'd been pregnant with my half-sister at the time, and had gotten into a fight with him. Knowing from experience, I know how much it sucks to end things with someone like that not apologizing. It's the kind of guilt that follows you around.
That kind of makes me wonder if this is some cosmic karma. I have weird dreams, encounter strange people... maybe this was fated? This is, of course, my fatalistic/realistic side coming through. I'm trying to weigh real possibilities of One Month From Now with the fantasy nightmares that really would push me off the deep end.
Maybe I am lying to myself either way-- saying it'll get better with time, or saying that he was a jerk and I'm better off without him (now I KNOW that one's a lie). I'm still trying to figure things out here... I feel like such a pessimist saying stuff like "It had to happen eventually," or "You knew this was coming." Worse, I want to talk to him, but I don't think I should. Maybe I need advice, maybe I don't. This is all so damn confusing... I really want to give him the space he asked for, (was I being smothering? I hadn't seen him for two weeks!) but he also said he wanted to be friends.
If you read my last rant, you know I appreciate his honesty above all else. But I'm going to miss him like I'll keep on missing my sister-- I'll miss the warmth, I'll miss the stupidity, the jokes, the things we have in common... but they won't be GONE, like in another country.
Maybe I'm not really moving on with my life. I don't see myself WITH anyone else a month from now. I see myself coming home and crying myself to sleep again... and the next day. Then school will start, and I'll make it through... I'll tough it out, like I have so many other things. Like Sailormoon said, somethings have to be really lousy for everything else to look good (if you can't tell, that's a total paraphrase). So here I go... it's 7:59, and I have to leave for school. =)
By the way, PINK RULES.
