This is why they say 'trust no one.'
Jun. 4th, 2003 02:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteOkay, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that it's bad to bottle stuff up. Don't you hate it when things go bad, get good enough to give you hope, and then sink back down to rock bottom again? Okay, not rock bottom, but this is me, folks. I'm at the extreme end of every spectrum.
Aside from all the CONS from my past entry (twice removed; not the last entry, but the one before that) some bad stuff:
(1) Mike wouldn't stop trying to "set me up" with his brother. Don't get me wrong, Dave's a nice, intelligent guy and everything but a) he's turning 23-- that's cutting it close, even for MY age restrictions; b) I BARELY know him aside from our conversation online-- I *think* we talked on the phone, but I'm not sure; c) he's going back to school on Sunday. It'd be nice if I could meet him on my graduation day (Thursday) but honestly, what would become of such a meeting? NOTHING! Maybe a friendship. Besides, Mike just kept hanging on the fact that LAST WEEK I said I was "sad, lonely, and horny," and when I said that wasn't so true anymore, he outright called me a liar! *growls* And worse, I think he has an ulterior motive in doing this besides wanting to see "two people he likes happy." So maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I think he's doing this so he doesn't feel bad about him and Amber hooking up and him avoiding telling me. He's trying to make himself feel big and selfless, but I can see right through him-- and I told him as much, but, as usual, he's denying it. Sometimes that boy makes me want to ram my head into a brick wall.
(2) Okay, him and Lonnie. Not only has Lonnie NOT called AT ALL today like he said, but Amber told me she saw him last week-- met him, actually, because she said hi to Benji, and Lonnie was with him! This was my first surprise, as Lonnie told me he didn't keep in touch with Benji that much anymore. I have no problem with that though-- Benji's a great guy, and I think Lonnie SHOULD hang out with him. He doesn't HAVE to, but there's certainly nothing wrong with it. Am I making sense? Moving on. Anyway, Amber told Lonnie that she'd heard of him through me, and he said something about "news traveling fast." It's been over a month since I first met Lonnie. Not to mention the fact that I know Lonnie through Benji-- and Amber knows Benji. Of COURSE she would know! Besides, she's like my best friend! Why would I *not* tell her? Sheesh. And then she mentioned that she overheard him talking on the phone to his ex. I know he does that a lot-- he's had lots of exes, apparently, and this one needed lots of compliments. Like that she was "sexy," "hot" and other things. I've heard some pretty ridiculous things in Lonnie's phone conversations, but he's always disclaimed them by saying stuff like they're "needy," and such. Lonnie's always struck me as a really nice guy and everything, but still very weird and nearly impossible to comprehend. He's pretty upsetting and hard to trust, especially at a time like this. His not calling was the first straw, but now... I think he'd tell me not to believe everything I hear, and he'd be right-- but then, what reason would Amber have to lie or distort the truth?
On the other end, there's the fact that I should simply stop caring-- I should be strong and not so dependent, as it makes me weak. Besides, what happened to my resolve to not be into anything serioud-- just fun and messing around? Is this the result of getting too attached to someone who thought that exact same way? So I have my hope that I can get ahold of J.Po tomorrow, and hope that Thursday I'll be able to find out how HE feels about me. It'd be nice if that went somewhere, but then my resolve would go right out the window. I don't feel like much of a player, liking J.Po when I'm supposedly "involved" with Lonnie. Lonnie hasn't called me in a week, and if what Amber says is true, and not misconstrued in any way... then what am I doing with him? NOTHING. He never calls me, doesn't seem to care that THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY IN MY LIFE is coming closer and closer, and complete strangers and my own estranged father are coming, while he, the "friend that is in love with me," isn't. Most likely isn't. I keep hoping for some sort of reasonable explanation or happy surprise, but that's the stupid optimist in me popping up when she's needed the least.
But I'll listen to Amber and her mom for now-- they say to be strong and hang on-- that if HE doesn't call me, it's HIS loss. I'd love to call him up right now, sounding weird, tired, and angry and just tell him I'm disappointed, sad, lonely, and angry. Voicemail or no, I'd say he broke his promise to call me, to hang out this week. He doesn't seem to care that I'm graduating this week or not, and I don't know what's going on with him anymore, because he never bothers to tell me. Maybe that's me trying to think chivalric, with the guy calling and all that... I don't know. Am I justified -even a little- here?
Half of me wants to cry, and the other half wants to tear apart the new bowling pin stress ball mom brought home today.
I think I need a hot shower and a nice nap.
Aside from all the CONS from my past entry (twice removed; not the last entry, but the one before that) some bad stuff:
(1) Mike wouldn't stop trying to "set me up" with his brother. Don't get me wrong, Dave's a nice, intelligent guy and everything but a) he's turning 23-- that's cutting it close, even for MY age restrictions; b) I BARELY know him aside from our conversation online-- I *think* we talked on the phone, but I'm not sure; c) he's going back to school on Sunday. It'd be nice if I could meet him on my graduation day (Thursday) but honestly, what would become of such a meeting? NOTHING! Maybe a friendship. Besides, Mike just kept hanging on the fact that LAST WEEK I said I was "sad, lonely, and horny," and when I said that wasn't so true anymore, he outright called me a liar! *growls* And worse, I think he has an ulterior motive in doing this besides wanting to see "two people he likes happy." So maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I think he's doing this so he doesn't feel bad about him and Amber hooking up and him avoiding telling me. He's trying to make himself feel big and selfless, but I can see right through him-- and I told him as much, but, as usual, he's denying it. Sometimes that boy makes me want to ram my head into a brick wall.
(2) Okay, him and Lonnie. Not only has Lonnie NOT called AT ALL today like he said, but Amber told me she saw him last week-- met him, actually, because she said hi to Benji, and Lonnie was with him! This was my first surprise, as Lonnie told me he didn't keep in touch with Benji that much anymore. I have no problem with that though-- Benji's a great guy, and I think Lonnie SHOULD hang out with him. He doesn't HAVE to, but there's certainly nothing wrong with it. Am I making sense? Moving on. Anyway, Amber told Lonnie that she'd heard of him through me, and he said something about "news traveling fast." It's been over a month since I first met Lonnie. Not to mention the fact that I know Lonnie through Benji-- and Amber knows Benji. Of COURSE she would know! Besides, she's like my best friend! Why would I *not* tell her? Sheesh. And then she mentioned that she overheard him talking on the phone to his ex. I know he does that a lot-- he's had lots of exes, apparently, and this one needed lots of compliments. Like that she was "sexy," "hot" and other things. I've heard some pretty ridiculous things in Lonnie's phone conversations, but he's always disclaimed them by saying stuff like they're "needy," and such. Lonnie's always struck me as a really nice guy and everything, but still very weird and nearly impossible to comprehend. He's pretty upsetting and hard to trust, especially at a time like this. His not calling was the first straw, but now... I think he'd tell me not to believe everything I hear, and he'd be right-- but then, what reason would Amber have to lie or distort the truth?
On the other end, there's the fact that I should simply stop caring-- I should be strong and not so dependent, as it makes me weak. Besides, what happened to my resolve to not be into anything serioud-- just fun and messing around? Is this the result of getting too attached to someone who thought that exact same way? So I have my hope that I can get ahold of J.Po tomorrow, and hope that Thursday I'll be able to find out how HE feels about me. It'd be nice if that went somewhere, but then my resolve would go right out the window. I don't feel like much of a player, liking J.Po when I'm supposedly "involved" with Lonnie. Lonnie hasn't called me in a week, and if what Amber says is true, and not misconstrued in any way... then what am I doing with him? NOTHING. He never calls me, doesn't seem to care that THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY IN MY LIFE is coming closer and closer, and complete strangers and my own estranged father are coming, while he, the "friend that is in love with me," isn't. Most likely isn't. I keep hoping for some sort of reasonable explanation or happy surprise, but that's the stupid optimist in me popping up when she's needed the least.
But I'll listen to Amber and her mom for now-- they say to be strong and hang on-- that if HE doesn't call me, it's HIS loss. I'd love to call him up right now, sounding weird, tired, and angry and just tell him I'm disappointed, sad, lonely, and angry. Voicemail or no, I'd say he broke his promise to call me, to hang out this week. He doesn't seem to care that I'm graduating this week or not, and I don't know what's going on with him anymore, because he never bothers to tell me. Maybe that's me trying to think chivalric, with the guy calling and all that... I don't know. Am I justified -even a little- here?
Half of me wants to cry, and the other half wants to tear apart the new bowling pin stress ball mom brought home today.
I think I need a hot shower and a nice nap.
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Date: 2003-06-04 02:23 am (UTC)Feel better. <3 <3 <3
Re:
Date: 2003-06-04 10:05 pm (UTC)Thanks. We luv you.