As the sun sets
Feb. 1st, 2007 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteIt's actually well past sunset, but my subject line comes from Dido's song with the lyric "As the sun sets on Mary, it's rising on him/And we danced/And we laughed/And I probably got to see some things you never got the chance to see..."
I don't want to think that with the definite (though I will not say "permanent" since I don't know that) ending of my relationship with Scott means that one of us will move on completely and live an accomplished fulfilling life. The sun isn't setting on either of us just to rise on the other.
Scott has yet to send out his resumes, let alone get accepted at a school teaching somewhere in Japan and heading out any time soon. And in the meantime, we're staying friends. We're going to talk -though I can't say how often, and neither of us can guarantee the when or where. Above all else, it's important for the two of us to genuinely be honest with one another, and not think about how something might upset someone else. Sure, the me right now is thinking "If Scott ever told me he's seeing someone new, it could break me completely." But that's the me now, not the me that I hope to become-- focused on me, driven for my own needs, living my own life. That's not the me who I hope will be moved on, at least to the point where I'm not consumed by thoughts of Scott, wanting to be near him, please him, have him think this way about me, etc.
If we're meant to be together, then we'll find a way to be together again someday. If John and Jill did it, we can, too. But we're not copycats, and we're not statistics. Things will happen as they will-- come what may.
So even if I die tomorrow, I will say that I'm not sad. I'm still not sure just what I am, what I want to be, what I want to feel, or where I'm going. But I've learned a lot in my time with Scott, I've changed, and I hope other people can see that. My whole relationship with Scott's here on this LJ, from the day I met him to the day things ended-- and ended again, and again (and again. It's sad that there's really that many times we were "off and on" again, officially and unofficially, but I stopped caring for the "true" meaning or significance of those things a long time ago).
My time with Scott has been both the most trying and the most wonderful, incredible time of my life. I am truly blessed to count him among my friends, and I do hope we stay the best of friends throughout the coming years. Yes, part of me now can say "I wish that someday that friendship has the opportunity to turn into something more," but I won't hang onto that. Enough is "enough," for me. I won't expect more, or ask for more, or hope or wish for it. What I can get will be enough, and with that and just that, I can move on.
I believe in me.
I don't want to think that with the definite (though I will not say "permanent" since I don't know that) ending of my relationship with Scott means that one of us will move on completely and live an accomplished fulfilling life. The sun isn't setting on either of us just to rise on the other.
Scott has yet to send out his resumes, let alone get accepted at a school teaching somewhere in Japan and heading out any time soon. And in the meantime, we're staying friends. We're going to talk -though I can't say how often, and neither of us can guarantee the when or where. Above all else, it's important for the two of us to genuinely be honest with one another, and not think about how something might upset someone else. Sure, the me right now is thinking "If Scott ever told me he's seeing someone new, it could break me completely." But that's the me now, not the me that I hope to become-- focused on me, driven for my own needs, living my own life. That's not the me who I hope will be moved on, at least to the point where I'm not consumed by thoughts of Scott, wanting to be near him, please him, have him think this way about me, etc.
If we're meant to be together, then we'll find a way to be together again someday. If John and Jill did it, we can, too. But we're not copycats, and we're not statistics. Things will happen as they will-- come what may.
So even if I die tomorrow, I will say that I'm not sad. I'm still not sure just what I am, what I want to be, what I want to feel, or where I'm going. But I've learned a lot in my time with Scott, I've changed, and I hope other people can see that. My whole relationship with Scott's here on this LJ, from the day I met him to the day things ended-- and ended again, and again (and again. It's sad that there's really that many times we were "off and on" again, officially and unofficially, but I stopped caring for the "true" meaning or significance of those things a long time ago).
My time with Scott has been both the most trying and the most wonderful, incredible time of my life. I am truly blessed to count him among my friends, and I do hope we stay the best of friends throughout the coming years. Yes, part of me now can say "I wish that someday that friendship has the opportunity to turn into something more," but I won't hang onto that. Enough is "enough," for me. I won't expect more, or ask for more, or hope or wish for it. What I can get will be enough, and with that and just that, I can move on.
I believe in me.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 09:34 pm (UTC)but it's good you can move it, but don't be surprised if you find yourself loving him again.
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Date: 2007-02-02 11:16 pm (UTC)That doesn't mean I've already "gotten over him" and moved on, but I have to make the attempt as best I can, because he already has-- because he has to. So if things work out where we ARE together again, then no, I wouldn't be surprised if I fell for him again. Unless circumstances are quite amazing, then I almost expect that I would. But since I don't know what will happen in the future, I can't say for sure.