Must be dreaming.
Apr. 27th, 2006 10:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteAnother weird dream. This time I'm typing it up right away so I don't forget. Today's Thursday anyway, so I don't have to be at work till 11am.
Anyway, this time it was a dream about everyone's favorite subject: death. (*sarcastic cheers*) I feel like I was in a really deep sleep, too, because I still feel a bit disoriented- though that just might be the subject matter shaking ME up mentally.
I was back in San Francisco for whatever reason, and of course (if you know me by now, this would be obvious) it was summer. Maybe this summer, because, like all the other summers since July 20th, 1996, I plan on going back to San Francisco for the anniversary of my sister's death. Almost every year since her death (at least in the past 5, for sure), I've been going to the place where she died to have my own sort of "memorial." I've gone by myself a few times, but with other people as well- I feel odd saying this, but it's usually been my "boyfriend" of the moment: Jonathan Potter went with me, as did Joe, and Scott went with me last year. I've also gone with Mom, and that had a lot more meaning to it, because I found out the place that *I* thought was Land's End WASN'T. I'm glad the real place is roped off, but I had this sense of being betrayed, that I'd never been to "that place" in the whole 10 years. So maybe this time (if Scott comes with me), I'll go to the real place. I wouldn't go there alone simply because:
a) it would be dishonest of me (I'd have to lie to my mom)
b) it would be stupid of me (and Aries or no, my life is one of those things I don't like risking)
c) it's roped off and illegal anyway, and whoever heard of committing a "crime" by yourself and succeeding?
The thing that bugged me was that there was another death. The other thing was that I DIDN'T KNOW WHO. I kept feeling paranoid as the dream progressed, because it could have been anyone, and whether it was just my mind or the dreamscape, I kept imagining all the Worst Case Scenarios in which various people died, and how I would react to finding out somehow.
And then it got extremely trippy when my sister came back to life. Only to die again, of course.
One of the things I've always thought about (on and off) is that if I could ever go back in time to a younger self, or just plain go back in time (DeLorean style) and interfere with history, July 20th, 1996 would be the day. I've done some pretty humiliating things, been in very tight binds-- but nothing would really replace my sister. My whole life changed because of her, and when I'm at my lowest point, I often find myself wishing I could talk to her, be with her, or just still have her in my life for advice.
I also remember leaning over the big couch in my mom's living room, looking out through the window (can't remember if there were blinds -which would imply the past 2-3 years, if not THIS year- or curtains -any year before that, all the way back to 1993) and watching something or someone. Oddly, there was also a very bright red, long-haired wig on a Styrofoam dummy head perched on the window sill, but because of the couch, it didn't tip over or fall off. I remember the wig being odd shaped, because when the hair reached about shoulder-length, it became narrow again, and then fanned out-- it was like a wig that was intentionally styled for a character with a ridiculously long ponytail/braid. (I have a Ranma wig, but it's much shorter, in messed up condition, and has no Styrofoam dummy head.)
At first, I was talking to Whoever It Was very calmly on the phone, and then I was screaming about how I couldn't take it, I couldn't lose my sister again, I was so frustrated with things happening that I couldn't stop.
And then my alarm went off, and I lay there for a few seconds sort of like "Oh..." and "Ugh..." at the same time. The first possibilities (bad Mer, bad!) rushed into my head-- my grandparents, of course. Then my parents. Scott. My best friends. (I'm not trying to prioritize whose deaths would cause me to have the bigger breakdowns; these would be all equally mind-breaking for me. These are just the ones that popped into my head and gave me that "Cold chill in the chest" feeling.)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH. With me, dreams like these are dangerous.
(1) I rarely dream- if I do, I don't often remember it.
(2) When I do dream and remember it, often it's very trippy and nonsensical-- a'la The Christmas Carol, where I can blame everything on a "spot of cheese."
(3) Even when it is somewhat sensical, it often has its roots in my everyday life -whether it was the same day or 10 years ago- and I can understand that immediately in-dream.
(4) But on the rare occasion when things make sense and I can't find any feasible connection to things I've already seen or done, it's bad. Why? Because I've had 3 premonitions of death/injury in my lifetime AND THEY HAVE ALL COME TRUE. Michelle was the first-- I didn't understand the vision, so I brushed it off. And then there was Jason Cunningham's hip injury. And then my Uncle Timmy's death.
This freaks me out a lot. I HATE THIS!
Anyway, this time it was a dream about everyone's favorite subject: death. (*sarcastic cheers*) I feel like I was in a really deep sleep, too, because I still feel a bit disoriented- though that just might be the subject matter shaking ME up mentally.
I was back in San Francisco for whatever reason, and of course (if you know me by now, this would be obvious) it was summer. Maybe this summer, because, like all the other summers since July 20th, 1996, I plan on going back to San Francisco for the anniversary of my sister's death. Almost every year since her death (at least in the past 5, for sure), I've been going to the place where she died to have my own sort of "memorial." I've gone by myself a few times, but with other people as well- I feel odd saying this, but it's usually been my "boyfriend" of the moment: Jonathan Potter went with me, as did Joe, and Scott went with me last year. I've also gone with Mom, and that had a lot more meaning to it, because I found out the place that *I* thought was Land's End WASN'T. I'm glad the real place is roped off, but I had this sense of being betrayed, that I'd never been to "that place" in the whole 10 years. So maybe this time (if Scott comes with me), I'll go to the real place. I wouldn't go there alone simply because:
a) it would be dishonest of me (I'd have to lie to my mom)
b) it would be stupid of me (and Aries or no, my life is one of those things I don't like risking)
c) it's roped off and illegal anyway, and whoever heard of committing a "crime" by yourself and succeeding?
The thing that bugged me was that there was another death. The other thing was that I DIDN'T KNOW WHO. I kept feeling paranoid as the dream progressed, because it could have been anyone, and whether it was just my mind or the dreamscape, I kept imagining all the Worst Case Scenarios in which various people died, and how I would react to finding out somehow.
And then it got extremely trippy when my sister came back to life. Only to die again
One of the things I've always thought about (on and off) is that if I could ever go back in time to a younger self, or just plain go back in time (DeLorean style) and interfere with history, July 20th, 1996 would be the day. I've done some pretty humiliating things, been in very tight binds-- but nothing would really replace my sister. My whole life changed because of her, and when I'm at my lowest point, I often find myself wishing I could talk to her, be with her, or just still have her in my life for advice.
I also remember leaning over the big couch in my mom's living room, looking out through the window (can't remember if there were blinds -which would imply the past 2-3 years, if not THIS year- or curtains -any year before that, all the way back to 1993) and watching something or someone. Oddly, there was also a very bright red, long-haired wig on a Styrofoam dummy head perched on the window sill, but because of the couch, it didn't tip over or fall off. I remember the wig being odd shaped, because when the hair reached about shoulder-length, it became narrow again, and then fanned out-- it was like a wig that was intentionally styled for a character with a ridiculously long ponytail/braid. (I have a Ranma wig, but it's much shorter, in messed up condition, and has no Styrofoam dummy head.)
At first, I was talking to Whoever It Was very calmly on the phone, and then I was screaming about how I couldn't take it, I couldn't lose my sister again, I was so frustrated with things happening that I couldn't stop.
And then my alarm went off, and I lay there for a few seconds sort of like "Oh..." and "Ugh..." at the same time. The first possibilities (bad Mer, bad!) rushed into my head-- my grandparents, of course. Then my parents. Scott. My best friends. (I'm not trying to prioritize whose deaths would cause me to have the bigger breakdowns; these would be all equally mind-breaking for me. These are just the ones that popped into my head and gave me that "Cold chill in the chest" feeling.)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH. With me, dreams like these are dangerous.
(1) I rarely dream- if I do, I don't often remember it.
(2) When I do dream and remember it, often it's very trippy and nonsensical-- a'la The Christmas Carol, where I can blame everything on a "spot of cheese."
(3) Even when it is somewhat sensical, it often has its roots in my everyday life -whether it was the same day or 10 years ago- and I can understand that immediately in-dream.
(4) But on the rare occasion when things make sense and I can't find any feasible connection to things I've already seen or done, it's bad. Why? Because I've had 3 premonitions of death/injury in my lifetime AND THEY HAVE ALL COME TRUE. Michelle was the first-- I didn't understand the vision, so I brushed it off. And then there was Jason Cunningham's hip injury. And then my Uncle Timmy's death.
This freaks me out a lot. I HATE THIS!
