On vampire sex and bunny squirrels

[azurite]

So this thought just occurred to me: vampire sex is impossible.

I mean, aside from the fact that people don't think vampires exist, within their own mythos, the idea of vampires having sex is impossible. The very basics of vampirism determine it so. It kills one of my first OTPs (Buffy x Angel), and a bunch of Anne Rice books, I'm sure (YAY!) but... come on. Drink Think on it.

So the basic fundamentals of vampirism are that they are, essentially, dead. Not undead, because zombies have no real control or will power, whileas vampires can think and act for themselves, for the most part. Whether or not they still have souls is up to the fandom of choice, but I'm trying to stay as general as possible here.

Now, dead things do not have beating hearts. This is a basic of vampires-- they do not have a heartbeat. If you were to go genetic, a body that does not pump blood has no way of supporting its limbs or its brain. So how the hell do vampires think, act, and move? On the sex topic, how the heck do male vampires get an erection? There's no blood flow to the brain to tell them "get excited man, it's a naked slayer!" or anything like that. There's no blood flow ELSEWHERE to get them "riled up," as I will say. And trust me, you can't do much with a limp penis.

So how do vampires have sex, anyway?

I get the part of the myth that says they can only be truly killed by a stake through the heart (or in some fandoms, direct sunlight... holy water will damage, but unless it's a veritable BATH of the stuff, it won't kill them). If you stab them anywhere else, it might go through, but it won't kill them. If blood DOES come out, it's old blood, stagnated blood. They can't die from blood loss, obviously.

That brings to mind, why don't the stagnated blood cells create splotches or bruises, like with corpses? I forgot what the technical term for it is, but it does happen when blood sits for too long without flowing.

I suppose this really kills a lot of vampire smut ideas you may have had. Sorry?

Oh yeah, I just saw a squirrel that thought if was a bunny. Either that, or it had rabies. It jumped a good foot in the air. I swear. It bounced from one patch of grass to the other, chased its tail, bounced some more, and then ran around in a few circles rather psychotically. There were no other squirrels, people, or, as far as I could tell, food, around. o_O

I have to go to work now. BLAH!

Comments

[atlantian-magic.livejournal.com]

My love for vamp smut LIVES ON! despite your all too accurate observation. Mayhap the having of a soul has something to do with it? <--- At least, as far as Buffy/Angel go. As for everyone else... maybe its like ecstasy. You want to touch, be touched, and you're in a constant state of arousal, but you just. can't. get it up. Opinions?