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Posthumous.
Aug. 25th, 2005 10:16 pmYesterday night, I lay in a comfy bed in Carmel-by-the-Sea, and I wrote a journal entry about how I felt about Ben dying. But I already let Jesse (one of the guys who came on the trip to Pebble Beach) read it, and I don't think I wanna post it here for all to see in those exact same words. Suffice it to say, I'm feeling numb, depressed/sad, shocked, and a bit angry at myself. The first few feelings I think anyone can relate to death; the shocked one on my part is also related to "He died? Of a car accident? But..." and also the fact that I'm so emotional about his death in the first place.
See, I didn't know Ben that well. I'd met him a few times at anime club (I'm trying to find the post where I probably mentioned him). I somehow developed a kinda-sorta crush on him. Why? Well like I said before, he caught my attention for resembling Cunningham/Rallojay, but of course he was a completely different person --inside and out. He fit the Darien Theory, but big deal? How much does physical attractiveness really play in the long-run of a relationship (of any kind) with someone? It's more like an immediate thing you answer to, and if things work from there, you develop a friendship or a romance.
The guy I remember was funny, rather sweet/charming (I wouldn't think of him that way if my first impression of him was "jerk!" so even if I can't remember exact details, I'm sticking to it), and just plain NICE. But I didn't spend enough time getting to know him. Though at the time, my reasons might have been reasonable or made sense to me, I quit. I wasn't happy there, I didn't make as an immediate connection to the people as I wanted/expected/hoped, and I was so blinded by love for Scott that I thought I didn't need to make any more friends or spend time with anyone else.
Mean as it is for me to say, what a waste. I should have stuck to it longer, realized I shouldn't have compared CSUN to SFSU, and known that if I was starting to CRUSH on other guys while with Scott, something was wrong. Part of me was well aware that Scott and I wouldn't last, but the other part (with the louder voice) was stubborn and didn't want to believe it. That part of me was eternally optimistic and hopeful, despite all the shit I've seen and been through, and despite having a very realistic half that knows that not all life is bells and roses, death exists and comes too soon and for people who "didn't deserve it," and... and so on.
So hindsight is 20/20, and I regret not thinking that way sooner, not wanting to spend more time with a guy that attracted me, and could have been a very good friend, if not more. Isn't it silly for me to think that if I done something differently, maybe I would have been in Carmel-by-the-Sea under different circumstances? Maybe I would have gotten to know Ben better, maybe I would have gone to AX with them, to Big Bear with them (the other people being the other members of the Anime Club), maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty (now) about trying to figure out what Ben was to me. Was I his friend, even if I didn't remember his name right off the bat when Phil said he'd died? Do I have any right to feel that way, did I have any right to even be there at his funeral, or get comped hotel rooms at the La Playa Hotel by his parents? (They were extremely nice when they found out we'd driven 6 hours from Northridge.)
For the record, his full name was Benjamin Ridge Watson. He was born December 13th, 1984, and he died August 21st, 2005. He was going up a mountain pass in Pebble Beach (or thereabouts) and swerved to avoid a truck. Unfortunately, he was going about 90 miles per hour in his Acura Integra, and he slammed right into an oak tree. I don't know what happened after that-- if airbags inflated, if the car caught fire, if the truck driver tried to help him. I don't know if he died instantly or hours later in the hospital.
I don't know why Phil (Anime Club president, as I'm sure I've mentioned once or twice before) even thought to tell me, because the last meeting I went to was December 3rd, 2004 (far as I know), and I don't even remember if Ben was there. I remember seeing him my first semester when I walked down that hallway from my CAD class--turns out that's because he was very much into computer science and building his own 16-hard drive computer (got all the parts for it too. I had no idea he was so intelligent, so dedicated, and so damn RICH!), and he took computer-aided design classes. He was even fluent enough in Japanese to win over sushi chefs in Monterey Bay-- another thing I didn't have a clue about. He was also very much into challenges, winning competitions, and... racing.
So you can see how his death ties into all this, right? He probably thought he was some hotshot out of Initial D. But I'd like to think he was smarter than that, and accident or no, "shit happens." I wish he'd survived so I could have told him how much I was looking forward to seeing him again-- me, the girl that couldn't remember his name, only his face, his smile. I saw him at Winnetka once or twice. I thought for sure he had a girlfriend. I thought he never even thought twice about me, but Phil said Ben was actually kind of disappointed that I'd left that one night we were supposed to go laser tagging and I decided to leave and go with Scott instead.
Scott came over just after I'd gotten home, and I didn't have the heart to look at him or talk to him, mostly out of fear that I would say something along the lines of "Why did I waste so much time on you, when I knew it would end?" But he didn't even bother to come up and ask me if I was okay, or just to hug me as a means of comfort. He just left. I eventually called him and apologized for making him feel so awkward, and we talked for a good 40 minutes, figuring things out. Lately I've been putting myself down, and it's not like myself. But it's a mechanism inside me, I don't realize I'm doing it until people notice it and get annoyed by the abrupt change in my attitude.
I keep thinking what if I'd done things differently. Maybe Ben could have taught me to sail, or how to take apart a computer, or how to speak/understand Japanese. Maybe I could have developed a taste for sushi, instead of a fear of fish. Maybe... but maybe not. I can't really regret what I never had, what I can NEVER have, right? But I still miss Ben, and I don't really understand why. It makes me so upset that I won't see him this coming Friday (not tomorrow) when club starts again. I don't remember his voice too well, or even what animes he liked better than others, but I will miss his pouty lips and his rather nice, but awkward smile.
And as much as I loathe regretting things, I will regret not saying hi to him when I saw him, when I had the chance. Maybe he recognized me those times, and maybe he didn't remember my name... or maybe he knew I didn't remember HIS name. Maybe he just thought it was too awkward. And wouldn't it have been funny if he had a crush on me too, and all this time I didn't know it?
...I could have had a really good friend, and now he's gone. I'm sad, but I think for now I'm all cried out.
( This is Ben. )
See, I didn't know Ben that well. I'd met him a few times at anime club (I'm trying to find the post where I probably mentioned him). I somehow developed a kinda-sorta crush on him. Why? Well like I said before, he caught my attention for resembling Cunningham/Rallojay, but of course he was a completely different person --inside and out. He fit the Darien Theory, but big deal? How much does physical attractiveness really play in the long-run of a relationship (of any kind) with someone? It's more like an immediate thing you answer to, and if things work from there, you develop a friendship or a romance.
The guy I remember was funny, rather sweet/charming (I wouldn't think of him that way if my first impression of him was "jerk!" so even if I can't remember exact details, I'm sticking to it), and just plain NICE. But I didn't spend enough time getting to know him. Though at the time, my reasons might have been reasonable or made sense to me, I quit. I wasn't happy there, I didn't make as an immediate connection to the people as I wanted/expected/hoped, and I was so blinded by love for Scott that I thought I didn't need to make any more friends or spend time with anyone else.
Mean as it is for me to say, what a waste. I should have stuck to it longer, realized I shouldn't have compared CSUN to SFSU, and known that if I was starting to CRUSH on other guys while with Scott, something was wrong. Part of me was well aware that Scott and I wouldn't last, but the other part (with the louder voice) was stubborn and didn't want to believe it. That part of me was eternally optimistic and hopeful, despite all the shit I've seen and been through, and despite having a very realistic half that knows that not all life is bells and roses, death exists and comes too soon and for people who "didn't deserve it," and... and so on.
So hindsight is 20/20, and I regret not thinking that way sooner, not wanting to spend more time with a guy that attracted me, and could have been a very good friend, if not more. Isn't it silly for me to think that if I done something differently, maybe I would have been in Carmel-by-the-Sea under different circumstances? Maybe I would have gotten to know Ben better, maybe I would have gone to AX with them, to Big Bear with them (the other people being the other members of the Anime Club), maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty (now) about trying to figure out what Ben was to me. Was I his friend, even if I didn't remember his name right off the bat when Phil said he'd died? Do I have any right to feel that way, did I have any right to even be there at his funeral, or get comped hotel rooms at the La Playa Hotel by his parents? (They were extremely nice when they found out we'd driven 6 hours from Northridge.)
For the record, his full name was Benjamin Ridge Watson. He was born December 13th, 1984, and he died August 21st, 2005. He was going up a mountain pass in Pebble Beach (or thereabouts) and swerved to avoid a truck. Unfortunately, he was going about 90 miles per hour in his Acura Integra, and he slammed right into an oak tree. I don't know what happened after that-- if airbags inflated, if the car caught fire, if the truck driver tried to help him. I don't know if he died instantly or hours later in the hospital.
I don't know why Phil (Anime Club president, as I'm sure I've mentioned once or twice before) even thought to tell me, because the last meeting I went to was December 3rd, 2004 (far as I know), and I don't even remember if Ben was there. I remember seeing him my first semester when I walked down that hallway from my CAD class--turns out that's because he was very much into computer science and building his own 16-hard drive computer (got all the parts for it too. I had no idea he was so intelligent, so dedicated, and so damn RICH!), and he took computer-aided design classes. He was even fluent enough in Japanese to win over sushi chefs in Monterey Bay-- another thing I didn't have a clue about. He was also very much into challenges, winning competitions, and... racing.
So you can see how his death ties into all this, right? He probably thought he was some hotshot out of Initial D. But I'd like to think he was smarter than that, and accident or no, "shit happens." I wish he'd survived so I could have told him how much I was looking forward to seeing him again-- me, the girl that couldn't remember his name, only his face, his smile. I saw him at Winnetka once or twice. I thought for sure he had a girlfriend. I thought he never even thought twice about me, but Phil said Ben was actually kind of disappointed that I'd left that one night we were supposed to go laser tagging and I decided to leave and go with Scott instead.
Scott came over just after I'd gotten home, and I didn't have the heart to look at him or talk to him, mostly out of fear that I would say something along the lines of "Why did I waste so much time on you, when I knew it would end?" But he didn't even bother to come up and ask me if I was okay, or just to hug me as a means of comfort. He just left. I eventually called him and apologized for making him feel so awkward, and we talked for a good 40 minutes, figuring things out. Lately I've been putting myself down, and it's not like myself. But it's a mechanism inside me, I don't realize I'm doing it until people notice it and get annoyed by the abrupt change in my attitude.
I keep thinking what if I'd done things differently. Maybe Ben could have taught me to sail, or how to take apart a computer, or how to speak/understand Japanese. Maybe I could have developed a taste for sushi, instead of a fear of fish. Maybe... but maybe not. I can't really regret what I never had, what I can NEVER have, right? But I still miss Ben, and I don't really understand why. It makes me so upset that I won't see him this coming Friday (not tomorrow) when club starts again. I don't remember his voice too well, or even what animes he liked better than others, but I will miss his pouty lips and his rather nice, but awkward smile.
And as much as I loathe regretting things, I will regret not saying hi to him when I saw him, when I had the chance. Maybe he recognized me those times, and maybe he didn't remember my name... or maybe he knew I didn't remember HIS name. Maybe he just thought it was too awkward. And wouldn't it have been funny if he had a crush on me too, and all this time I didn't know it?
...I could have had a really good friend, and now he's gone. I'm sad, but I think for now I'm all cried out.
( This is Ben. )
