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All my time is froze in motion.
Aug. 23rd, 2005 08:09 pmSo I'm going to Ben's funeral tomorrow. It's all the way in Pebble Beach, which is apparently a six hour drive. So we're leaving from CSUN tomorrow morning at 8am. But Phil, the super-nice CSUN Anime Club President, snagged a hotel room, and I guess if we all share it (o_O) it'll be only $20/person. Or maybe someone's being generous, who knows? In any case, it bugs me that I'm doing this, because a) I haven't seen the anime club gang in a while, b) I didn't know Ben that well, but I still liked him from what I did know, and c) he was so young.
C reminded me of him-- only, Ben was a bit taller, with slightly darker skin and poutier lips. But the fact remains that I'm always attracted to the same kind of guys-- mixed guys (usually HAPA) most of the time. They're always tall and lean, with the hint of an athletic or muscular build. I like them with dark eyes (brown, green, dark blue) and hair long enough to run my fingers through (tall spikes, loose curls, straight, etc.), but not past the nape of their neck, or I start thinking it's mullet territory. Eva called this "The Darien Theory" back in freshman year of high school. :P
Today was my last day at Jamba Juice Northridge. They've been hiring a lot more people in the meantime, but there are people who I'll miss, even C and J, who I can rant about because they often act their age or their shoe size, neither of which are very large numbers. I made it a point to flirt openly with C today and not give a crap, even if he was being all humorous about it. He's still Jailbait though, through and through. But it's been fun. And I told E, the new AGM, that if she needed some help, to give me a call. I know I won't be pulling as many hours at Jamba CSUN, but I'm hoping I'll only be there until I get hired at Red Robin in mid-October.
And if I'm going to spend the next day or so being contemplative and somewhat sad about things, I guess it helps that Scott hasn't called in nearly a week. At least, it feels like it's been a week-- I'm never really sure. It's just so weird not having him near, not knowing what he's up to or who he's with. This whole thing with Ben dying has me a bit paranoid- even though I know Scott so much better than I ever knew Ben, how do I really know what's happened to the people I love? How am I involved in their life, and if something were to happen, when and where would I find out-- and from whom?
It's weird because I don't feel anything lovey-dovey or even wangsty when I'm not around him. Part of me just has this built-in knowledge that I/it still loves Scott, but the rest of me is just kind of numb to the whole thing. I don't know if I've moved on yet, or if not, that I can anytime soon. I know I have big plans for myself this semester, but there's always pieces of me holding out for the impossible, crazy dreams. I still wanna be there with a smile on my face and ready to offer a hug for when he graduates and moves on from this place, this life. But I also wish he could write to me, or somehow keep me in his life, like whatever we had truly MEANT something, more than his other relationships. But that's me being selfish, I guess...
Change of subject-- tomorrow I won't be taking any calls. I'll have my phone on me for emergencies and all, but you'll hear a new voicemail if you call. You can text me in the meantime (info is on my user info, for friends of this LJ only), or drop me an email. I might be online the following day when I get home. Please understand, and if anyone who DOESN'T know what's happened/where I am and they contact you, kindly inform them-- I'd be much obliged.
WDKY18 is coming along nicely. I managed to beat everyone up to Grandpa (aka J. Dice Tudor) in Duelists of the Roses, and with some deck-tweaking, I could beat him, too. I'll eventually get around to mailing my PS2 to Dave and getting it modded after all this time, and then I have a few more days to relax, clean, and figure things out before school starts on the 29th, and the real test of my mentality (and sanity) begins.
*pumps fist* Rah... rah?
C reminded me of him-- only, Ben was a bit taller, with slightly darker skin and poutier lips. But the fact remains that I'm always attracted to the same kind of guys-- mixed guys (usually HAPA) most of the time. They're always tall and lean, with the hint of an athletic or muscular build. I like them with dark eyes (brown, green, dark blue) and hair long enough to run my fingers through (tall spikes, loose curls, straight, etc.), but not past the nape of their neck, or I start thinking it's mullet territory. Eva called this "The Darien Theory" back in freshman year of high school. :P
Today was my last day at Jamba Juice Northridge. They've been hiring a lot more people in the meantime, but there are people who I'll miss, even C and J, who I can rant about because they often act their age or their shoe size, neither of which are very large numbers. I made it a point to flirt openly with C today and not give a crap, even if he was being all humorous about it. He's still Jailbait though, through and through. But it's been fun. And I told E, the new AGM, that if she needed some help, to give me a call. I know I won't be pulling as many hours at Jamba CSUN, but I'm hoping I'll only be there until I get hired at Red Robin in mid-October.
And if I'm going to spend the next day or so being contemplative and somewhat sad about things, I guess it helps that Scott hasn't called in nearly a week. At least, it feels like it's been a week-- I'm never really sure. It's just so weird not having him near, not knowing what he's up to or who he's with. This whole thing with Ben dying has me a bit paranoid- even though I know Scott so much better than I ever knew Ben, how do I really know what's happened to the people I love? How am I involved in their life, and if something were to happen, when and where would I find out-- and from whom?
It's weird because I don't feel anything lovey-dovey or even wangsty when I'm not around him. Part of me just has this built-in knowledge that I/it still loves Scott, but the rest of me is just kind of numb to the whole thing. I don't know if I've moved on yet, or if not, that I can anytime soon. I know I have big plans for myself this semester, but there's always pieces of me holding out for the impossible, crazy dreams. I still wanna be there with a smile on my face and ready to offer a hug for when he graduates and moves on from this place, this life. But I also wish he could write to me, or somehow keep me in his life, like whatever we had truly MEANT something, more than his other relationships. But that's me being selfish, I guess...
Change of subject-- tomorrow I won't be taking any calls. I'll have my phone on me for emergencies and all, but you'll hear a new voicemail if you call. You can text me in the meantime (info is on my user info, for friends of this LJ only), or drop me an email. I might be online the following day when I get home. Please understand, and if anyone who DOESN'T know what's happened/where I am and they contact you, kindly inform them-- I'd be much obliged.
WDKY18 is coming along nicely. I managed to beat everyone up to Grandpa (aka J. Dice Tudor) in Duelists of the Roses, and with some deck-tweaking, I could beat him, too. I'll eventually get around to mailing my PS2 to Dave and getting it modded after all this time, and then I have a few more days to relax, clean, and figure things out before school starts on the 29th, and the real test of my mentality (and sanity) begins.
*pumps fist* Rah... rah?
