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Just came back from Anime Club. T'wasn't a bad night-- had some good laughs watching HiMe and Moon Phase, but Ju-on: The Curse (aka the original movie that inspired The Grudge, part of a 4-part series) freaked me out, and now I'm not sure I can sleep... let alone that I want to.
On top of that, tonight I'm just feeling depressed. Why? Because even with the nicest guys, it just seems like I can't avoid getting my feelings hurt. I really do take things too personally, but imagine someone telling you pretty much flat out (without any tact whatsoever) that you're too loud or brash, and that's why others react strongly to your opinions. It was about ME keeping my feelings and thoughts inside, because other people were making ME uncomfortable, so *I* have to change to adapt *THEM*?! WTF!?
Worse, he just... I don't know, he's always busy. Not always, but it seems like so much. Not that I want him to spend every waking moment with me, but this past week, he'd TM me 1x or 2x a day, tops. Today? Just once. He did show up to anime club meeting at 7pm as he said, but... well, in a nutshell, he wasn't very good company. He seemed to think it was funny that I was so scared of the movie, but instead of leaving, I wanted to stick through with it and gain some courage. But I'm still freaked out.
And he's sooo busy tomorrow that he can't even spend the night. Not that I want anything out of it (really!) it's just after that movie I'm scared and I wouldn't mind his comforting presence being there for me! Is that so wrong? Besides, we're both tired, and isn't it dangerous for him to be on the road when he's exhausted? Whatever, he'd just say that the past few nights (when he gave me a ride home from the library, then when he stayed over late) I kept him from doing what he needed to do. And he'd be right. I guess I am spoiled, not knowing the "real" lifestyle. I'm not really out on my own, making my own money. And the freshman workload is always less than the senior/major workload. *sigh* I'm asking for too much, huh?
I could make the excuse (I think) that I'm feeling pretty damn fragile and I need company this month, because I really don't want to get driven to that edge. But nothing seems to work in lieu of him. Schoolwork is mundane and irritating at best; fanfic or Nanowrimo inspiration only lasts for so long, fanart takes a long time, and I can only play so much DDR or video games in a day without hurting myself one way or another.
I suppose I can wait for the weekend of Our Day and his birthday, since it doesn't seem like he's going to San Diego or anything. I still don't know what to give him (specifically, what clothes, what size... how and where to buy it) since he's picky (and he admitted it). I'd go shopping WITH him, but then... hello, he's busy.
He doesn't even tell me what he's so busy WITH. He mentioned stuff that's due at the end of the month for classes, but is he really spending every waking hour studying or shopping for groceries? I think not. I'm being paranoid and whatnot, but wouldn't that just be karma, smacking me in the face... I mean, what if he's cheating on me?
The thought won't leave my head, despite all the things he's said to me in the [recent] past. But little things still bug me more than they should, like how he is insistent on finishing his papers fast so CAROLYN can proof them. Look, just because she was a Journalism major and works for the Daily News as a freelancer doesn't make her God! Why doesn't he ever ask me? *sigh* I feel so... useless right now.
On top of that, tonight I'm just feeling depressed. Why? Because even with the nicest guys, it just seems like I can't avoid getting my feelings hurt. I really do take things too personally, but imagine someone telling you pretty much flat out (without any tact whatsoever) that you're too loud or brash, and that's why others react strongly to your opinions. It was about ME keeping my feelings and thoughts inside, because other people were making ME uncomfortable, so *I* have to change to adapt *THEM*?! WTF!?
Worse, he just... I don't know, he's always busy. Not always, but it seems like so much. Not that I want him to spend every waking moment with me, but this past week, he'd TM me 1x or 2x a day, tops. Today? Just once. He did show up to anime club meeting at 7pm as he said, but... well, in a nutshell, he wasn't very good company. He seemed to think it was funny that I was so scared of the movie, but instead of leaving, I wanted to stick through with it and gain some courage. But I'm still freaked out.
And he's sooo busy tomorrow that he can't even spend the night. Not that I want anything out of it (really!) it's just after that movie I'm scared and I wouldn't mind his comforting presence being there for me! Is that so wrong? Besides, we're both tired, and isn't it dangerous for him to be on the road when he's exhausted? Whatever, he'd just say that the past few nights (when he gave me a ride home from the library, then when he stayed over late) I kept him from doing what he needed to do. And he'd be right. I guess I am spoiled, not knowing the "real" lifestyle. I'm not really out on my own, making my own money. And the freshman workload is always less than the senior/major workload. *sigh* I'm asking for too much, huh?
I could make the excuse (I think) that I'm feeling pretty damn fragile and I need company this month, because I really don't want to get driven to that edge. But nothing seems to work in lieu of him. Schoolwork is mundane and irritating at best; fanfic or Nanowrimo inspiration only lasts for so long, fanart takes a long time, and I can only play so much DDR or video games in a day without hurting myself one way or another.
I suppose I can wait for the weekend of Our Day and his birthday, since it doesn't seem like he's going to San Diego or anything. I still don't know what to give him (specifically, what clothes, what size... how and where to buy it) since he's picky (and he admitted it). I'd go shopping WITH him, but then... hello, he's busy.
He doesn't even tell me what he's so busy WITH. He mentioned stuff that's due at the end of the month for classes, but is he really spending every waking hour studying or shopping for groceries? I think not. I'm being paranoid and whatnot, but wouldn't that just be karma, smacking me in the face... I mean, what if he's cheating on me?
The thought won't leave my head, despite all the things he's said to me in the [recent] past. But little things still bug me more than they should, like how he is insistent on finishing his papers fast so CAROLYN can proof them. Look, just because she was a Journalism major and works for the Daily News as a freelancer doesn't make her God! Why doesn't he ever ask me? *sigh* I feel so... useless right now.
