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Just one of those days
Sep. 14th, 2004 07:42 pmI guess I'm not having Tuesday luck this month. Or maybe it's because it's September, month of the Virgo, or something. My elements are all out of whack. Blame it on what you will, but this whole month has thus far started out like one big, long PMS session. I hate it already.
Yes, some parts of it are great --fantastic, even-- but of course, the one bad thing will always bring me down to a whole new low. Today started out mundane-- clouds in the morning, boring classes... worse, I find out I'm 5 drawings behind in CAD class. I managed to catch up slightly, but the drama doesn't end. I met Scott in the library after class, and I started just by being a ditz-- I didn't know he was reading a photography book, and after CAD class, my mind was just boggled anyway... I thought the photography book looked complicated. I probably came off as a complete dumbbell. Plus, libraries and me (with company) rarely get along. I can't be quiet...
Well, so we left and started walking around sort of randomly, but since I had to go to the Phys Therapy center to meet Baba and Grandpa after their swim class, I got turned around and Scott had to put me in the right direction. We hung out in front of the center and ate lunch-- Baba and Grandpa came out, but I was too awkward/freaked out/shy to make proper introductions. Strike two, Mer. After that, Baba and Grandpa left, and Scott and I moved to another area closer to Sagebrush Hall, where he has this one uberlong class every Tuesday until late at night.
What to talk about? This is my worst habit-- once you get me started, I can't stop. I'll talk, just to fill awkward silences. I never seem to know what to ask about someone else, either... I mean, dating (or whatever it is we're doing) is different from journalism, when you need to know specific information, and you plan out your questions in advance! So we sat under this tree across from the bungalows and the art buildings, and talked about random things-- mostly me talking, recalling my past.
I hate talking about my past. I should have said that from the get-go, but I don't like coming off as a bitch. Of course, this sort of thing just happens anyway. People can ask me a question or tell me something, and I can either answer and be honest (I refuse to lie), but perhaps come off as a cruel, mean bitch, or I can clam up and not say anything, even if it upsets me. And the past is just a prime example of it. I left San Francisco not just because I got rejected by everything there, but because there was too much drama for me to handle. Yes, I miss my friends, I miss the conveniences, but I sure as hell don't miss the cold, or the fights I got into with my mom, or those kind of things.
Scott asked me if I dated in high school... no, I didn't, really. Joe wasn't in high school, and when we hooked up, it was what? Late April or something? It was more of a summer affair than anything else. I remember that it bombed by August. Lonnie wasn't even my boyfriend, he was just someone who used me. Mike was a mistake. And Jonathan never went anywhere, and I feel guilty just about kissing him. But of course, the whole story went back to middle school (miserable experience) and high school (would rather forget it happened). Chris came up. I didn't mention him by name, but just the thought of him... yeah, he was apart of my life, yeah, he was like my "first love" or whatever, but I don't like dredging up the past. I should have said so!
I didn't know it'd make me so uncomfortable. So of course when the awkward silence comes up again (after I've made all my embarrassing confessions: I was a Hall Monitor, I got my ass handed to me a few times, and I went to Prom stag), I wanted him to tell me something. It's said that whoever listens the most in a relationship has the upper hand, because they know more, they observe more, they process more information. I want to be that person, or at least MORE of that person than I am now, or I was in the past. I wanted to listen to him tell me things, because it's horrible for me to be distracted by things, and yet when we're one on one with each other, I can't think of anything to ask or say.
He brought up his past, to a certain extent... of course, girls are a part of that past. But I mean, his question directly related to dating and other people, while my question was more along the lines of what experiences did you have, embarrassing or otherwise, in middle and high school? I just don't like hearing about my ex-boyfriend's new love interests, or my current... "whatever he is" exes, either. I end up comparing myself to them, wondering if I'm some sort of a rebound... how could I say that? I pretty much said yeah, that made me uncomfortable, but that's MY problem. I wanted to listen, I NEED to listen, but... I didn't want to HEAR. Or something, you know?
I acted so weird. I just wanted to cry, but... not there, not in public, and sure as hell not in front of him. Maybe I really am PMSing or something, but all of it sounds like empty excuses. So he had to go to class at 2, and I had to walk home with my thoughts, my embarrassment, and my weirdness. I still feel sort of weird, but I got some of the wanky-feelings out. Took about a half hour to get home, and I just went right upstairs and screamed into my pillow. Had one of those randomly necessary cry sessions, though it didn't last long. I don't know what's wrong with me; I can't take things slowly, I can't think of things to say, stupid things embarrass me... what happened to the Mer that was just out for a good time, looking to have some fun? I TMd him later apologizing for being so weird, but somehow I can't help but think that doesn't make things better. People get lasting impressions from single incidents, and of course, the deflated lack of an ego inside me wonders why the heck Scott even likes me at all. He's such a nice guy...
I need something to seriously throw myself into, where I can honestly get distracted from these kind of thoughts. It was great how he messaged me back saying that there was nothing to worry about, and that today is belle journer, and all is "right where it needs to be." I don't get it, I guess, but... I just hope this week really will be as perfect as I've been hoping and dreaming. I just think it's weird that we can be pretty open with each other over the phone (TMs, really, where we flirt shamelessly with one another; it's cute in that funny sort of way) but in person it's like... "Gugh, what do you say...??" *crosses fingers*
Grandpa told me the radio tower controlling all the Southern California airports (LAX, BUR, Long Beach, etc.) is down, so they might not even HAVE a flight tomorrow. I sincerely hope they've gotten it fixed in the meantime...
Right, so I have to a) still bug McAfee, because Fix #6 has NOT worked for the install of Firewall and Privacy Service; b) download AutoCAD 2005 trial so I can do my drawings here at home, at least until I get Dad's copy of the program; c) do my Speech reading --3 chapters! and basically calm down. Or something... I have to wake up early tomorrow (in 12 hours, actually), so I have to get all this started. Yep.
*sigh* I feel so out of it.
Yes, some parts of it are great --fantastic, even-- but of course, the one bad thing will always bring me down to a whole new low. Today started out mundane-- clouds in the morning, boring classes... worse, I find out I'm 5 drawings behind in CAD class. I managed to catch up slightly, but the drama doesn't end. I met Scott in the library after class, and I started just by being a ditz-- I didn't know he was reading a photography book, and after CAD class, my mind was just boggled anyway... I thought the photography book looked complicated. I probably came off as a complete dumbbell. Plus, libraries and me (with company) rarely get along. I can't be quiet...
Well, so we left and started walking around sort of randomly, but since I had to go to the Phys Therapy center to meet Baba and Grandpa after their swim class, I got turned around and Scott had to put me in the right direction. We hung out in front of the center and ate lunch-- Baba and Grandpa came out, but I was too awkward/freaked out/shy to make proper introductions. Strike two, Mer. After that, Baba and Grandpa left, and Scott and I moved to another area closer to Sagebrush Hall, where he has this one uberlong class every Tuesday until late at night.
What to talk about? This is my worst habit-- once you get me started, I can't stop. I'll talk, just to fill awkward silences. I never seem to know what to ask about someone else, either... I mean, dating (or whatever it is we're doing) is different from journalism, when you need to know specific information, and you plan out your questions in advance! So we sat under this tree across from the bungalows and the art buildings, and talked about random things-- mostly me talking, recalling my past.
I hate talking about my past. I should have said that from the get-go, but I don't like coming off as a bitch. Of course, this sort of thing just happens anyway. People can ask me a question or tell me something, and I can either answer and be honest (I refuse to lie), but perhaps come off as a cruel, mean bitch, or I can clam up and not say anything, even if it upsets me. And the past is just a prime example of it. I left San Francisco not just because I got rejected by everything there, but because there was too much drama for me to handle. Yes, I miss my friends, I miss the conveniences, but I sure as hell don't miss the cold, or the fights I got into with my mom, or those kind of things.
Scott asked me if I dated in high school... no, I didn't, really. Joe wasn't in high school, and when we hooked up, it was what? Late April or something? It was more of a summer affair than anything else. I remember that it bombed by August. Lonnie wasn't even my boyfriend, he was just someone who used me. Mike was a mistake. And Jonathan never went anywhere, and I feel guilty just about kissing him. But of course, the whole story went back to middle school (miserable experience) and high school (would rather forget it happened). Chris came up. I didn't mention him by name, but just the thought of him... yeah, he was apart of my life, yeah, he was like my "first love" or whatever, but I don't like dredging up the past. I should have said so!
I didn't know it'd make me so uncomfortable. So of course when the awkward silence comes up again (after I've made all my embarrassing confessions: I was a Hall Monitor, I got my ass handed to me a few times, and I went to Prom stag), I wanted him to tell me something. It's said that whoever listens the most in a relationship has the upper hand, because they know more, they observe more, they process more information. I want to be that person, or at least MORE of that person than I am now, or I was in the past. I wanted to listen to him tell me things, because it's horrible for me to be distracted by things, and yet when we're one on one with each other, I can't think of anything to ask or say.
He brought up his past, to a certain extent... of course, girls are a part of that past. But I mean, his question directly related to dating and other people, while my question was more along the lines of what experiences did you have, embarrassing or otherwise, in middle and high school? I just don't like hearing about my ex-boyfriend's new love interests, or my current... "whatever he is" exes, either. I end up comparing myself to them, wondering if I'm some sort of a rebound... how could I say that? I pretty much said yeah, that made me uncomfortable, but that's MY problem. I wanted to listen, I NEED to listen, but... I didn't want to HEAR. Or something, you know?
I acted so weird. I just wanted to cry, but... not there, not in public, and sure as hell not in front of him. Maybe I really am PMSing or something, but all of it sounds like empty excuses. So he had to go to class at 2, and I had to walk home with my thoughts, my embarrassment, and my weirdness. I still feel sort of weird, but I got some of the wanky-feelings out. Took about a half hour to get home, and I just went right upstairs and screamed into my pillow. Had one of those randomly necessary cry sessions, though it didn't last long. I don't know what's wrong with me; I can't take things slowly, I can't think of things to say, stupid things embarrass me... what happened to the Mer that was just out for a good time, looking to have some fun? I TMd him later apologizing for being so weird, but somehow I can't help but think that doesn't make things better. People get lasting impressions from single incidents, and of course, the deflated lack of an ego inside me wonders why the heck Scott even likes me at all. He's such a nice guy...
I need something to seriously throw myself into, where I can honestly get distracted from these kind of thoughts. It was great how he messaged me back saying that there was nothing to worry about, and that today is belle journer, and all is "right where it needs to be." I don't get it, I guess, but... I just hope this week really will be as perfect as I've been hoping and dreaming. I just think it's weird that we can be pretty open with each other over the phone (TMs, really, where we flirt shamelessly with one another; it's cute in that funny sort of way) but in person it's like... "Gugh, what do you say...??" *crosses fingers*
Grandpa told me the radio tower controlling all the Southern California airports (LAX, BUR, Long Beach, etc.) is down, so they might not even HAVE a flight tomorrow. I sincerely hope they've gotten it fixed in the meantime...
Right, so I have to a) still bug McAfee, because Fix #6 has NOT worked for the install of Firewall and Privacy Service; b) download AutoCAD 2005 trial so I can do my drawings here at home, at least until I get Dad's copy of the program; c) do my Speech reading --3 chapters! and basically calm down. Or something... I have to wake up early tomorrow (in 12 hours, actually), so I have to get all this started. Yep.
*sigh* I feel so out of it.
