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If I'm having a midlife crisis at 18, does that mean that I'll only live to be 36, or that I really *do* need to go see a shrink, as mom suggested? Whatever the case -me exaggerating, me actually breaking down, or something else entirely- I had a crappy day yesterday, and today didn't start out much better.
I don't like NOT being optimistic; I hate these niggling thoughts of doubt and low self-esteem. I'm a genki person, dammit! Or is that an oxymoron? I mean, everyone in life has their problems, I kind of accepted that I'd had more than my fair share early on. Don't get me wrong, it could be MUCH worse, and yeah, there are people out there living worse lives than I'll even be able to imagine... but I can imagine a lot. I know a lot, from experience.
But yesterday just started sucking, and being "That time of the month" just made me more emotionally oversensitive. Middle school, I wanted to close off all my emotions (which is probably the sole reason why it backfired on me, and I came off as a bitch to most of my peers)... and now I find myself wanting to do that again.
These kind of moodswings might be dependent on what I'm eating or what I'm listening to (Spice Girls peppier stuff seems to help some, while Evanescence just makes me want to take a long walk off a short bridge) so I'm at least going to make the effort to feel better, rather than using it as an excuse to be unproductive. After all, the first thing I did when I woke up was the dishes. ^_^
Okay, so this might center around the confrontation I had yesterday, and how such things make me... or rather, I turn more than a bit Un-Mer like. Or again, it could be because of That Time. I don't like confrontations, but I'll bitch and complain about what I disagree with, or don't believe in. My tagline at this time is "I love a good controversy." Maybe that's kind of a journalist's way of looking at things? Or is it? Because after everything that's happened all these years, what's running through my head is "Where am I going?" and "What have I got to look forward to?"
Really. Fanfiction reviews are nice, and some people think it's great I dedicate so much of my time to writing and researchig, but it doesn't put money in my pocket, and it doesn't get me any closer to being in an accredited university, earning credits towards a degree and eventual career in journalism. My f*ing managers are all in college or working salaried jobs or whatever, and I... I am scheduled 5 or 6 days a week, doing the kind of menial, senseless labor that pays minimum wage and gets you NOWHERE physically, mentally, or any other -ally.
We were giving out old Nov. 2003 WIRED magazines, and I grabbed one to read at concession. Of course, my eyes aren't what they used to be (haha) so I didn't notice when Adam W., one of the more notorious managers for being a prick about such things, came up to me. He let me get away with shoving it under the counter the first two times, but after that, he took it away, and I just derailed. I started complaining to my wonderfully mild-mannered, sweet concession companions (all guys, btw, so simply telling them "don't piss me off, you REALLY DO NOT WANT TO PISS ME OFF" wouldn't really do much good). And they listened in that head-nodding, "Uh-huh whatever" kind of way. Or maybe they really did listen, and my mind is warping that perception into something that makes them more villanous than they really are.
I know Co warned me against reading --everyone does-- but you know, everyone else is going to school. I'm not. My life consists of going to work, and when I'm not working, parking myself here, in front of my computer, and doing just this-- checking my email, typing in my journal, and listening to music. It's STUPID!!! Well, I started giving Adam the cold shoulder after that, and he started slinking around concession. I hate it when people BOTHER me when they know I'm pissed off, even if it's that utterly sappy "Are you okay?" care-ness. And I just SNAPPED at him. I can hardly believe I said it, but I did. And it's not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be, but hey, I'm the kind of person that can babble for dramatic emphasis.
"Bite me." I actually said that to him. A MANAGER! After he came back for a "talking to" it occured to me that he could have fired me then and there. DAMN, I am lucky. Anyway, the talking-to consisted of pretty much everything I expected it to, as all talking-tos do. "Yeah, I know the rules suck, but I was in your place once, and blah blah... you have to find something else to keep yourself busy... there's always something to do, even when you're by yourself..." Yep, that's it. He did say that I was one of the best workers they have, which is a nice, if perobably Swiss Cheese comment. I know there are some managers who don't like me outright, and I do want to do my best to get by, but I don't stand for abuse. I joined the blasted fun committee. Here's hoping it takes me someplace.
But heck, what am I supposed to do now? Yeah fine, I won't complain about being stuck doing one thing for a long time. Concession... I can clean everything, I can make Icee cups or whatever. Pop popcorn. Memorize the menus. Come up with ways to make Cafe better. Box, I can kill some brain cells by cleaning the windows.
I guess that doesn't bother me so much. It's better just to listen to them and everything, keep my job. Keep my measly bi-monthly check. But still, I feel... rather Ryouga-ish. Very lost, very directionless. I doubt CSUN's going to accept me, same for USC. Dad called me yesterday claiming the family wants to know where I'm going with my education, but of course, I can't call him back... there's something wrong with his phone or whatever, I keep getting bounced. :P Heck, maybe my own dad's blocked me, wouldn't that be a laugh?
As pathetic as it sounds, I don't really feel like I have any friends right now. I have hardly any human connections anymore, and here I am, ranting in my journal, parked in front of my computer with WIRED in my lap. How sad. I need to get a social life again, I need to get ranting and raving, and obeserving and enjoying life. My own DAD is getting his degree at Humboldt, my DAD is a teacher! I envy my own dad! DEAR GOD! Maybe that's what I need to do. Find religion. Have a "moment" or something. A'la Mel Gibson, maybe? Riiight.
Sorry you had to suffer through this.
I'll figure something out, I always do.
I don't like NOT being optimistic; I hate these niggling thoughts of doubt and low self-esteem. I'm a genki person, dammit! Or is that an oxymoron? I mean, everyone in life has their problems, I kind of accepted that I'd had more than my fair share early on. Don't get me wrong, it could be MUCH worse, and yeah, there are people out there living worse lives than I'll even be able to imagine... but I can imagine a lot. I know a lot, from experience.
But yesterday just started sucking, and being "That time of the month" just made me more emotionally oversensitive. Middle school, I wanted to close off all my emotions (which is probably the sole reason why it backfired on me, and I came off as a bitch to most of my peers)... and now I find myself wanting to do that again.
These kind of moodswings might be dependent on what I'm eating or what I'm listening to (Spice Girls peppier stuff seems to help some, while Evanescence just makes me want to take a long walk off a short bridge) so I'm at least going to make the effort to feel better, rather than using it as an excuse to be unproductive. After all, the first thing I did when I woke up was the dishes. ^_^
Okay, so this might center around the confrontation I had yesterday, and how such things make me... or rather, I turn more than a bit Un-Mer like. Or again, it could be because of That Time. I don't like confrontations, but I'll bitch and complain about what I disagree with, or don't believe in. My tagline at this time is "I love a good controversy." Maybe that's kind of a journalist's way of looking at things? Or is it? Because after everything that's happened all these years, what's running through my head is "Where am I going?" and "What have I got to look forward to?"
Really. Fanfiction reviews are nice, and some people think it's great I dedicate so much of my time to writing and researchig, but it doesn't put money in my pocket, and it doesn't get me any closer to being in an accredited university, earning credits towards a degree and eventual career in journalism. My f*ing managers are all in college or working salaried jobs or whatever, and I... I am scheduled 5 or 6 days a week, doing the kind of menial, senseless labor that pays minimum wage and gets you NOWHERE physically, mentally, or any other -ally.
We were giving out old Nov. 2003 WIRED magazines, and I grabbed one to read at concession. Of course, my eyes aren't what they used to be (haha) so I didn't notice when Adam W., one of the more notorious managers for being a prick about such things, came up to me. He let me get away with shoving it under the counter the first two times, but after that, he took it away, and I just derailed. I started complaining to my wonderfully mild-mannered, sweet concession companions (all guys, btw, so simply telling them "don't piss me off, you REALLY DO NOT WANT TO PISS ME OFF" wouldn't really do much good). And they listened in that head-nodding, "Uh-huh whatever" kind of way. Or maybe they really did listen, and my mind is warping that perception into something that makes them more villanous than they really are.
I know Co warned me against reading --everyone does-- but you know, everyone else is going to school. I'm not. My life consists of going to work, and when I'm not working, parking myself here, in front of my computer, and doing just this-- checking my email, typing in my journal, and listening to music. It's STUPID!!! Well, I started giving Adam the cold shoulder after that, and he started slinking around concession. I hate it when people BOTHER me when they know I'm pissed off, even if it's that utterly sappy "Are you okay?" care-ness. And I just SNAPPED at him. I can hardly believe I said it, but I did. And it's not as big a deal as I'm making it out to be, but hey, I'm the kind of person that can babble for dramatic emphasis.
"Bite me." I actually said that to him. A MANAGER! After he came back for a "talking to" it occured to me that he could have fired me then and there. DAMN, I am lucky. Anyway, the talking-to consisted of pretty much everything I expected it to, as all talking-tos do. "Yeah, I know the rules suck, but I was in your place once, and blah blah... you have to find something else to keep yourself busy... there's always something to do, even when you're by yourself..." Yep, that's it. He did say that I was one of the best workers they have, which is a nice, if perobably Swiss Cheese comment. I know there are some managers who don't like me outright, and I do want to do my best to get by, but I don't stand for abuse. I joined the blasted fun committee. Here's hoping it takes me someplace.
But heck, what am I supposed to do now? Yeah fine, I won't complain about being stuck doing one thing for a long time. Concession... I can clean everything, I can make Icee cups or whatever. Pop popcorn. Memorize the menus. Come up with ways to make Cafe better. Box, I can kill some brain cells by cleaning the windows.
I guess that doesn't bother me so much. It's better just to listen to them and everything, keep my job. Keep my measly bi-monthly check. But still, I feel... rather Ryouga-ish. Very lost, very directionless. I doubt CSUN's going to accept me, same for USC. Dad called me yesterday claiming the family wants to know where I'm going with my education, but of course, I can't call him back... there's something wrong with his phone or whatever, I keep getting bounced. :P Heck, maybe my own dad's blocked me, wouldn't that be a laugh?
As pathetic as it sounds, I don't really feel like I have any friends right now. I have hardly any human connections anymore, and here I am, ranting in my journal, parked in front of my computer with WIRED in my lap. How sad. I need to get a social life again, I need to get ranting and raving, and obeserving and enjoying life. My own DAD is getting his degree at Humboldt, my DAD is a teacher! I envy my own dad! DEAR GOD! Maybe that's what I need to do. Find religion. Have a "moment" or something. A'la Mel Gibson, maybe? Riiight.
Sorry you had to suffer through this.
I'll figure something out, I always do.
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