Graping

It's 1:21am as I type this, and I'm sitting here in the light, only partially tired, 3 IM windows open, eating a bag of grapes. Despite everything and my ranting, tonight hasn't been so bad. Resting is good, and I still feel noodley and everything... I still want to be someone else, somewhere else, but I can't change what I was born into.

I'm actually kinda laughing now, because I've said some silly stuff, bitched and ranted... I told Taisuke the truth, that I don't think I'd be much company to him if I was thinking about someone else, or if my mind was focused solely on my problems instead of giving him a genuine chance to be my friend. Talking to Taisuke and Gene has made me feel better... and Shawn, too, though sometimes it seems his problems far outweigh mine and I have no right to bitch to him with everything he goes through. Other people might see me in that same way, I suppose.

I'm not suicidal, for the record. Thought about it, yes, but can't go through with it. It's ugly and selfish. Why would I want to hurt the friends that have hurt me? It's not really revenge if you can't get satisfaction from it.

Alias was good tonight... Mom woke me up just in time for it too, and I reheated that dinner she made... I only picked at it, really... the lemon herb chicken was good, but pungent, and the rice and corn mixed together tasted sorta funny. I got a stomachache from it, and outta juice as we are, my throat hurts from the milk. It was only a half hour because of Superbowl Sunday or something (don't kill me because I don't care enough about football to give a hoot that the Raiders lost). But it was damn good, and VERY unpredictable.

I mean, Will and Francie? But maybe it wasn't really Francie, because at the end of the episode, we saw a Francie-clone, and a dead Francie in her own restaurant! Oh no!! ;_; Blaugh! Somehow, there was some intel that needed to be verified, but neither Syd nor her father (who had been captured by the new SD-6 guy, Geiger) could verify it, and Jack's life was in danger...! So Dixon had to do it (a moral dilemma!) and he did... and so all the SD-cells around the world were raided at the same time. When it was all over, Syd and Vaughn were in each other's arms macking like no tomorrow. I mean, WOW. It seemed like a season finale crammed into one episode! Damn it being only a half hour long. But I knew something was fishy with Sloane getting away from the Alliance so easily, Sark not being anywhere, etc. I just wonder who this fake Francie is, where Will is, what she has to do with Sark, and what'll happen with Syd and Vaughn! Whee~

I'm in a semi-state of tired where my head and eyes hurt, my throat stings, and my stomach seems empty but impossible to fill. I'm not quite warm, just a sort of tingly cool. I want to talk to Amber and Will together, but it never seems possible, and despite initiating a convo with Amber to make an attempt to patch things up, it seems too impersonal and unreal. You never know what someone is thinking, looking like, imagining, or doing behind the screen.

People are mad at me, and not too much of me cares. I'm mad at people, but I don't hate them. I'm sad, but I'm not going to do anything horrendously stupid. I'm just sort of... blaaah now. January will end soon. Hopefully better times will come with it.

My one productive thing of the day: realizing BloodMoon wasn't uploaded at azurite.rosedreams.org and getting it done in under a half hour. Now I gotta make sure all the pages work.

Funny how that works

Yep, it's 7:30 in the morning on Monday, and I should be at school. I guess I'm a damn good actress... either that or my honesty has finally done something right on this planet. I told Mom what happened... sorta... as much as you can cram into 10 minutes.

She said (of my new hair) that it made me look like a jerk, uneven and that I'd have to face the "consequences" of it, but she amended later, I suppose. She's not at all surprised at what I've done, but I think she's jumped to conclusions a bit much. I do that a lot too. Must be hereditary, yuck.

Both Will and Amber have responded to my comments and my less-than-happy entries in the past day or so. So I have to thank them for that, because they easily could have just left me all alone, shoved me into some little vacuum of space, and forgotten they ever knew me. But they'd be the bad guys then, wouldn't they? And neither of them are like that-- it's just my vivid imagination trying to come up with all these terrible scenarios.

When people apologize, it should be for something they're truly sorry for, something they know they did wrong. And I don't think Will and Amber should apologize. They didn't do anything wrong by falling in love; they might have made a "tactical error" in not telling me certain stuff to my face, but I think that's a triviality to work past. I can't let it hang on me. My mom said that if anything holds me back from going in the direction I want to (what direction? For all I know I'm headed to Antarctica!) that it's no one's fault but my own. I have to start fighting back. Even Katia noticed this sudden change in me... she went and asked me, "Mer, what happened? You used to be so energetic... you used to WANT to go to college." The reply, "I changed" doesn't fly anymore.

I want to be my own person, but it's kinda hard with some people giving you ideas, subtle and unspoken. Then there's the people you admire and want to be like, but it's like trying to scale a mountain while holding your breath. And besides that, no one likes a copycat-- they're usually bad at it. There has to be a reason why these two found it in their hearts to be my friend... how, why, all those circumstances, I don't know. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a "I'm not worthy" rant. That's bull, and I know I hate it when people do that. Major turn-off. When people have nothing better to do than complain, it's because they don't know how to focus themselves.

This is it. This is my last day of being like this, of cutting school because I feel miserable or because my weekend's been lousy. A new month is starting, and maybe somewhere out there is a new opportunity... for something. People have been nothing short of incredible to me while I bitch, rant, rail, and everything inbetween. Sometimes the words don't come, and I keep remembering, I'm trying to save my friendships, trying to stay in one (mental) piece, trying to keep respecting the people I've come to care for-- not break more friendships, drive myself even more insane, or disrespect people that find it in themselves to talk to me, to help me when they have no obligation to by talking weird.

For the record, I wasn't being sarcastic when I told Amber that she seems angelic, and it's no wonder why people are attracted to her. Mm, she has that in common with my friend Kripa, and I think with my late sister, too. Perhaps that's why I've "glommed" onto Will and Amber so much; they're like the siblings I never had-- the ones I came so close to having, but fate just saw it in her own way to direct my life a different way. But wasting time with "what ifs" is silly. I can be so much more productive with my life. There isn't really a reason to be unmotivated... not having what I want, being unhappy... it's all the more reason to charge forward, even if it is blindly, to go and live life. It puts me a leap ahead of a bunch of other people who gave up before my time, and that's something to be proud of.

*laughs* As Pink so eloquently puts it, "You can't keep me down." I've been hit by a lot of 18-wheelers, but I'm going to keep getting up, keep showing up, keep being who I am, even if that isn't the perfect person or the best friend. I can't ask anything more of my friends; they've done more than enough, and from here on out, the ball's in my court. Hours are ahead of me, lives are on the line... I'm going to go out and conquer. School won't be a distraction anymore, it'll be a hurdle. Where the finish line is, I'm not sure, but I'll see you all there someday.

Mm, mom's right, my hair is uneven, but I don't care. =P I look damn cute with pigtails. I think my life's only going to get more hectic with everything I've signed myself up for... and shit, I just remembered I HAVE to be at school at 11:45. Damn. Well, if anyone's not about to explode from all this business, anyone want to go with me to Land's End or some coffee shop later this week? Anyone? Bleeh, I got coffee cake, and it needs eatin'. Maybe if I buy Frappacinos, they will come.

"If you buy it, they will come." Haha... I'm gettin' better. Yay me.

Productivity

So I'm at school now, and I finished with the interview with Jessica from the Beacon... thank god I remembered that I had the interview with her today for media academy. There's two major reasons I want to get into that: 1) I need something to occupy my time and mind-- and if it's something I love, something I can expand my knowledge on, why not? 2) I need the money, plain and simple. The interview was quite simple really... she asked me what I would contribute to the class, how I would help other students, and so forth. There's 30 applicants and only 15 slots, but those are still pretty good odds. Thing was, at the end, I got confused about whether she said I got in or not; she said the class list would be posted on Friday. It seemed like she said I got in, but then started saying not to be disappointed if I didn't. @_@ Augh. I guess I have to wait till Friday then to go to In-N-Out and turn in my application, because if I don't get into Media Academy, that's 3 more hours I can work, if I get hired. *pray* Now all I have to do is go to Richter's and get some employment-related ish.

I've been thinking a lot about the sites I want to build and expand on... working on BloodMoon gave me this sense of "I like doing this; I want to keep doing this, but doing it better." I'm working on a site pretty much devoted to me (ego much?) called "Every Heart" -- the layout's kind of dark and simple, but it works. It'll host my journal (whether it remains here at LJ.com or not), my stories (non-fanfiction), and random tidbits of info about me... I guess. Snapshot (my photos site) will be linked from there, and possibly the results of surveys I'm collecting and archiving at Surveyholics. I should post one of those into my Bio and make it more informative and less depressing. Yah, I'll do that soon.

Then there's the much needed revision of my existing sites, and just working on them, getting actual content into those pages. AMC just needs a total once-over to make sure all the pages exist, and all the links and images work. Especially the Peach Girl page... I really need to get a decent layout for that. I'm thinking of making one of my own that's kind of "springy" featuring Momo and Kiley's first kiss... it'll be called "Skin Deep version Suddenly" or something to that effect. Nyaha. I have to get my ass working on Project: Sailor V. It still rags me that there's some little brat out there that stole my idea-- and did a bad job of it too. Geh. I can do so much better... I have to get that group active again.

Then there's also my desire to start up "Archive Obscura" with fanfictions from all the new and/or relatively unknown anime/manga/tv series and movies. Every time I watch my AMVs, I'm reminded that it's next to impossible to find Full Metal Panic fanworks. God, I love that series. I need to get it on CD. @_@

Damn, the bell just rang, so I better get to 5th. Mom'll be proud of me for eventually going, I guess. I suppose that just means I have one more "Mental Health Day" saved up. Yay.

Wahoo! Happy Happy Joy Joy

Well, I've got hiccups and my chest hurts... and Mr. Ulrich (of my 1st period choir class that I was not in today) saw me... I doubt he'll accept a readmit (not like I'll bother getting one for missing all of 3 classes) if I even got one. No biggie. GOOD NEWS!
Guess what guess what guess what!? *calms down somewhat, still hiccuping* ^_^ I'm so giddy it's silly. Not only has everyone I've talked to (Eming, Lauren, Colleen, Mr. Diesel, Eva, a girl in my English class, Dan Yi, Marcella...) LIKES my self-styled haircut, BUT (and here comes the best part) I just found out that Spring Break for the SFUSD is from April 14-18. Does anyone else see a highly significant date there!? I DO! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
For the first time in nearly seven years, my BIRTHDAY is on Spring Break!! My birthday, for the uninformed is on April 14th, and I will be the fantastic 18. Sure, it may be just a triviality-- 21 is when you really get to do, see, and experience it all (legally) but that's no biggie. I'll have a week of celebration-- and since it's district wide, I can party with my friends! YAHOO!!!
Someone help me plan! I'm so ecstatic I think I'll make a wish list soon! But now I'm hyper! I'm still hiccuping! It still hurts! But I'm HAPPY!!!!!!

Haha...

What's your Inner European?
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You know once, when my mom, my sister, and I were moving out of our old apartment at 6438 Geary, this old Russian couple kept following us in the elevator. The last time we went down, they kept speaking to me in Russian, so I turned, looked at them with this deadpan stare, and said in my perfect Russian accent, "I don't speak Russian." Tee hee hee.

Oh geez... among other things

Which Popular Anime Girl are you?
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If this is so true, then why aren't dozens of drooling Shinjis coming after me, huh? Damnit.


What Kind of FLIRT are you?
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Took it twice, got the same answer. *blush* Damn...


What's your sexual appeal?
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Oookaaaay...

THOUGHT OF THE DAY: Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. -Dr. Seuss

People make no sense

I have long been a believer than men are nearly impossible to understand, despite their innate simplicity compared to women. But in dealing with other girls, I have come to the conclusion that I would rather deal with more men daily and be confused by their simplicity than a woman's complexity.

Of whom do I speak of? Well, short of naming names, let's just say that I'm never complimenting someone ever again. Someone always takes it the wrong way. Case in point: my friend's feeling a bit depressed. Like a good friend, I reply to his post and compliment him-- who doesn't enjoy a little ego stroking every now and then?
Now his ex girlfriend completely takes what I say the wrong way! She doesn't bitch at me, per se, but she does seem to have an angry, selfish, possessive undertone underneath her words. Yet I do not respond to her, because HE asked me to. I respect him that much, and then some. He's that dear of a friend to me.

She asks me not to call "her man" (possessive much!?) hot, because that's "her job." Okay, so I understand the breakup situation-- it's one all too familiar to me. Guy breaks up with Girl to avoid later heartache when Girl moves away. Guy and Girl both plan on attending separate colleges, but when they see each other (assuming they haven't gotten into any other relationships; they swore off long-term dating anyway) they're "friends with benefits." Then, when they get out of college, they'll get married. AUGH! How can high schoolers think like this?!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not pissed that they're "engaged" or whatnot-- and simply because I respect my friend, I won't get into a bitch fight with her. I'm trying to remain calm here. But when other girls treat a guy like some kind of toy-- like some kind of possession, warping their mind... it pisses me off. Moreso when that guy is a friend of mine.

Now, one of my other friends is pointing out that they seem to have (had) a pretty tight relationship, and the breakup wasn't THAT long ago. Girl would be pretty crushed, thinking that maybe another girl was making the moves on her dear, beloved Guy. However she sees it. Girl supposedly doesn't bitch at people, and is really sweet, etc. but she has hurt my feelings by making me look like the bad girl, causing all this angst, and just from my POV, totally warping her "fiancee's" mind.

Gah. I hate continuing icky thoughts like this. So I respect my friend and I'll keep my mouth shut on his LJ. I won't talk to her. But I'm done with my little rant.

In other good news, I'm working (or trying to work) on my Inuyasha "doujinfic" based off of Clara's "School Daze," and it's called "Dream a Dream." I think Part 1 is already up on FFnet, if not, I'll have to upload that soon... I have many parts to write! ^_^ I still want to work on DWIs and such... ooh ooh, and plus I thought of the perfect birthday present for Will! NYAHAHAH!