Funny how that works
Jan. 27th, 2003 07:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteYep, it's 7:30 in the morning on Monday, and I should be at school. I guess I'm a damn good actress... either that or my honesty has finally done something right on this planet. I told Mom what happened... sorta... as much as you can cram into 10 minutes.
She said (of my new hair) that it made me look like a jerk, uneven and that I'd have to face the "consequences" of it, but she amended later, I suppose. She's not at all surprised at what I've done, but I think she's jumped to conclusions a bit much. I do that a lot too. Must be hereditary, yuck.
Both Will and Amber have responded to my comments and my less-than-happy entries in the past day or so. So I have to thank them for that, because they easily could have just left me all alone, shoved me into some little vacuum of space, and forgotten they ever knew me. But they'd be the bad guys then, wouldn't they? And neither of them are like that-- it's just my vivid imagination trying to come up with all these terrible scenarios.
When people apologize, it should be for something they're truly sorry for, something they know they did wrong. And I don't think Will and Amber should apologize. They didn't do anything wrong by falling in love; they might have made a "tactical error" in not telling me certain stuff to my face, but I think that's a triviality to work past. I can't let it hang on me. My mom said that if anything holds me back from going in the direction I want to (what direction? For all I know I'm headed to Antarctica!) that it's no one's fault but my own. I have to start fighting back. Even Katia noticed this sudden change in me... she went and asked me, "Mer, what happened? You used to be so energetic... you used to WANT to go to college." The reply, "I changed" doesn't fly anymore.
I want to be my own person, but it's kinda hard with some people giving you ideas, subtle and unspoken. Then there's the people you admire and want to be like, but it's like trying to scale a mountain while holding your breath. And besides that, no one likes a copycat-- they're usually bad at it. There has to be a reason why these two found it in their hearts to be my friend... how, why, all those circumstances, I don't know. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a "I'm not worthy" rant. That's bull, and I know I hate it when people do that. Major turn-off. When people have nothing better to do than complain, it's because they don't know how to focus themselves.
This is it. This is my last day of being like this, of cutting school because I feel miserable or because my weekend's been lousy. A new month is starting, and maybe somewhere out there is a new opportunity... for something. People have been nothing short of incredible to me while I bitch, rant, rail, and everything inbetween. Sometimes the words don't come, and I keep remembering, I'm trying to save my friendships, trying to stay in one (mental) piece, trying to keep respecting the people I've come to care for-- not break more friendships, drive myself even more insane, or disrespect people that find it in themselves to talk to me, to help me when they have no obligation to by talking weird.
For the record, I wasn't being sarcastic when I told Amber that she seems angelic, and it's no wonder why people are attracted to her. Mm, she has that in common with my friend Kripa, and I think with my late sister, too. Perhaps that's why I've "glommed" onto Will and Amber so much; they're like the siblings I never had-- the ones I came so close to having, but fate just saw it in her own way to direct my life a different way. But wasting time with "what ifs" is silly. I can be so much more productive with my life. There isn't really a reason to be unmotivated... not having what I want, being unhappy... it's all the more reason to charge forward, even if it is blindly, to go and live life. It puts me a leap ahead of a bunch of other people who gave up before my time, and that's something to be proud of.
*laughs* As Pink so eloquently puts it, "You can't keep me down." I've been hit by a lot of 18-wheelers, but I'm going to keep getting up, keep showing up, keep being who I am, even if that isn't the perfect person or the best friend. I can't ask anything more of my friends; they've done more than enough, and from here on out, the ball's in my court. Hours are ahead of me, lives are on the line... I'm going to go out and conquer. School won't be a distraction anymore, it'll be a hurdle. Where the finish line is, I'm not sure, but I'll see you all there someday.
Mm, mom's right, my hair is uneven, but I don't care. =P I look damn cute with pigtails. I think my life's only going to get more hectic with everything I've signed myself up for... and shit, I just remembered I HAVE to be at school at 11:45. Damn. Well, if anyone's not about to explode from all this business, anyone want to go with me to Land's End or some coffee shop later this week? Anyone? Bleeh, I got coffee cake, and it needs eatin'. Maybe if I buy Frappacinos, they will come.
"If you buy it, they will come." Haha... I'm gettin' better. Yay me.
She said (of my new hair) that it made me look like a jerk, uneven and that I'd have to face the "consequences" of it, but she amended later, I suppose. She's not at all surprised at what I've done, but I think she's jumped to conclusions a bit much. I do that a lot too. Must be hereditary, yuck.
Both Will and Amber have responded to my comments and my less-than-happy entries in the past day or so. So I have to thank them for that, because they easily could have just left me all alone, shoved me into some little vacuum of space, and forgotten they ever knew me. But they'd be the bad guys then, wouldn't they? And neither of them are like that-- it's just my vivid imagination trying to come up with all these terrible scenarios.
When people apologize, it should be for something they're truly sorry for, something they know they did wrong. And I don't think Will and Amber should apologize. They didn't do anything wrong by falling in love; they might have made a "tactical error" in not telling me certain stuff to my face, but I think that's a triviality to work past. I can't let it hang on me. My mom said that if anything holds me back from going in the direction I want to (what direction? For all I know I'm headed to Antarctica!) that it's no one's fault but my own. I have to start fighting back. Even Katia noticed this sudden change in me... she went and asked me, "Mer, what happened? You used to be so energetic... you used to WANT to go to college." The reply, "I changed" doesn't fly anymore.
I want to be my own person, but it's kinda hard with some people giving you ideas, subtle and unspoken. Then there's the people you admire and want to be like, but it's like trying to scale a mountain while holding your breath. And besides that, no one likes a copycat-- they're usually bad at it. There has to be a reason why these two found it in their hearts to be my friend... how, why, all those circumstances, I don't know. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a "I'm not worthy" rant. That's bull, and I know I hate it when people do that. Major turn-off. When people have nothing better to do than complain, it's because they don't know how to focus themselves.
This is it. This is my last day of being like this, of cutting school because I feel miserable or because my weekend's been lousy. A new month is starting, and maybe somewhere out there is a new opportunity... for something. People have been nothing short of incredible to me while I bitch, rant, rail, and everything inbetween. Sometimes the words don't come, and I keep remembering, I'm trying to save my friendships, trying to stay in one (mental) piece, trying to keep respecting the people I've come to care for-- not break more friendships, drive myself even more insane, or disrespect people that find it in themselves to talk to me, to help me when they have no obligation to by talking weird.
For the record, I wasn't being sarcastic when I told Amber that she seems angelic, and it's no wonder why people are attracted to her. Mm, she has that in common with my friend Kripa, and I think with my late sister, too. Perhaps that's why I've "glommed" onto Will and Amber so much; they're like the siblings I never had-- the ones I came so close to having, but fate just saw it in her own way to direct my life a different way. But wasting time with "what ifs" is silly. I can be so much more productive with my life. There isn't really a reason to be unmotivated... not having what I want, being unhappy... it's all the more reason to charge forward, even if it is blindly, to go and live life. It puts me a leap ahead of a bunch of other people who gave up before my time, and that's something to be proud of.
*laughs* As Pink so eloquently puts it, "You can't keep me down." I've been hit by a lot of 18-wheelers, but I'm going to keep getting up, keep showing up, keep being who I am, even if that isn't the perfect person or the best friend. I can't ask anything more of my friends; they've done more than enough, and from here on out, the ball's in my court. Hours are ahead of me, lives are on the line... I'm going to go out and conquer. School won't be a distraction anymore, it'll be a hurdle. Where the finish line is, I'm not sure, but I'll see you all there someday.
Mm, mom's right, my hair is uneven, but I don't care. =P I look damn cute with pigtails. I think my life's only going to get more hectic with everything I've signed myself up for... and shit, I just remembered I HAVE to be at school at 11:45. Damn. Well, if anyone's not about to explode from all this business, anyone want to go with me to Land's End or some coffee shop later this week? Anyone? Bleeh, I got coffee cake, and it needs eatin'. Maybe if I buy Frappacinos, they will come.
"If you buy it, they will come." Haha... I'm gettin' better. Yay me.
