Late Night Apple Pie

Since yesterday was probably the crowning day of suckiness (for the most part) I was busy ranting all night to anyone with the heart, mind, and ear to listen. The list of people I owe include Shawn, Dez, Vince, and Taisuke. Thank you guys. ^_^

So Vince asked me if I wanted to go for an impromptu fast food run. This was the best suggestion I'd heard in a long time, so of course I said yes. You might be wondering here what the hell was running through my head to want to get up and leave the warm, cushiness of my house at 1:30 in the morning, but I just wanted to get away. Of course, my mother, with her ever-perfect timing, grumpily awoke and bitched at me to do the dishes. I had a shitload of emails to finish checking (gee, I better get back to that) so I kept doing that till she went back to sleep-- then I went and did the dishes. Vince was going to call me on my cell, since I was still online (and therefore couldn't recieve home calls... not that I'd want to risk Mom Wrath at that early in the morning). It all worked out perfectly, because Mom fell asleep (like *dead* asleep, not her usual zzz...wha...zzz sort of sleep) and I managed to sneak out of the house (I'm really sick of those chimes on the front door, and the noise it makes when you turn your key in the lock... grrr... it's always the little things!) It was so cool how Vince just totally went out of his way to pick me up in the rain (and risk sneaking his Dad's car, too!) just to grab something to eat.

We went to the Burger King close to Vince's house (ironically enough, so he really did go way out of his way just to get me. *sniff* Thank you 'Niichan!) and he treated me to a delish BK Apple Pie (between them and the fries, it's really the only thing they have going for them anymore) while he ate some American burger or whatnot (it's been so long since I actually *ate* at BK, so forgive me if I can't remember piddly about it). Vince was also making me feel better about the lousiness of the weekend... what weirded me out is that when I told him what happened, he already knew-- i.e. he expected what happen to happen. Me, I felt I had to just sit there and (martyr moment) suffer as I watched all this mushiness unfold. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally happy for my friends and all now, but I just think it would have been nice to TALK to them instead of watching them turn into an anime-style couple right in front of me. I felt like a stranger in my own damn house. Ugh.

Enough with all that. So after going to BK, Vince just drove around-- we stopped and ate over by the Marina, watching the rain on the bay get a little bit heavier, and then lighten up. At that early in the morning, with the sky looking like it did (half-clear, but still very dark) the water had this very satiny-texture to it, and all the boats were just bobbing there like there was nothing else in the world. It was quite peaceful-- excluding the dance music playing on the radio! Hah. We talked about a bunch of weird stuff besides what'd been making me depressed -which is good, I guess, since it got my mind off it. There was the idea that each fast food's restaurant's burgers only go with their fries, and can't be mixed and matched. I was thinking a taste-test like that would be a good idea, since teenagers are always the ones going to fast food joints (and reading Eva's "Fast Food Nation" didn't decrease my journalistic ideas any). Sadly, such a test would be expensive, ne? Well, there's always that or the fact that "junk food" will cease to be sold (in any way? How will clubs have sales?!) in public schools beginning the 2003-2004 school year. God, I feel so sorry for all the people still in HS then... it'll be miserable without a soda to wake you up, or a small, cheap snack to tide you over until school ends. Blech. Thank god colleges will never go that way. They survive off those sales!

When we finally left the Marina, we drove past Cris' house in the Presidio... the houses there are all so nice! I think Corinna from my Journalism class lives somewhere in the Presidio, too, so either she has someone in the family with a military job or a connection to someone who does. Still, all the houses there are so classic, and you really have access to nearly every part of town from there! Hmm. Wishful thinking, I guess.

Actually, right now, I wish I could go camping. I haven't been camping in such a long time... I miss just going out to the woods, the beach, wherever and just crashing. I always liked making food in the wee hours of the night (or the morning) and waking up to its fresh smell... Maybe I'm more "down with Nature" than I thought? Hah. I was actually thinking about going to Land's End today... you know, since today's Michelle's birthday. She'd be 26 today. I mean, she died when she was 19, so that thought is kinda depressing... What's the use in speculating what we'd be doing if she were still here? Still, I don't think I ever went to the REAL Land's End. There was that time I went to what I *thought* was Land's End (based on that stupid Muni map) with Joe a long time ago, and that was very emotional for the both of us... but I doubt he's going to be jumping all over the chance to see me again, let alone go with me to the real Land's End. I wanted Mike to go with me when he was here, since he knew where it was, but now I think I'd rather go with Amber. She's the closest thing I have to a sister nowadays anymore... even though in a twist of fate, she's younger than me. O_o

I burned one more of Will's SOEX CDs *augh! The guilt! WHY, LORD, why did you have to take my color ink cartridge away!?* and have about 3 more to go... 18-21, 22-25, and 26+ a bunch of AMVs. So yay me on that end for finally getting my arse up and doing that. Now, if I still want to design Will those nice CD labels (or at least some kind of inserts for CD jewel cases) then what program should I use... any suggestions?

As for things to do (in the not-so-distant future) that includes finding my Peach Girl 14 (who could have it? Marcella doesn't read Japanese, but she likes the story, and Katia doesn't read Japanese, but she likes the artwork! GAUGH!), finishing making the AMV for Mike ^_^ and doing all my laundry *eyes the monstrous bags stuffed in her closet warily* Oh joy. Or maybe I should work on all those other websites I need to put up, and all the 404 pages I need to make/fix... hmmm...

Thank god tomorrow's a late schedule. More sleeping in! Feh, besides, what could I possibly miss on the first day of a new semester, anyway? Book Issuing? Hahahaa... Going now.

Drowning My Goldfish In Tomato Soup

Gah. I can't fix the colors on my journal, and right now, this is the best looking layout I've seen. I know HTML and CSS pretty damn well, but no matter what I enter in the Overrides area, it never takes. Blech. Sean says that it's pointless to try (such an optimist, that boy) since I don't have a paid account... and now, thanks to my froggish-sounding voice coming from my horrendously big mouth (which is a bad thing more often than not) I probably will never get one.

Why? Well, Mom just came home. She's still clueless about me getting up and leaving last night (the very thought of me getting away with that makes me giddy) but she knows I didn't go to school. I easily could have told her I went to school, since by the time she got home, I could have said I *did* go to school, but I sound terrible, and I'm not the type to lie about something that I don't stand to gain much from. Well, maybe.

So she yelled at me for not going to school, and silence reigned. "You're not going to graduate, you know." Way to go, Mom. What a motivational speaker. I hate her. God, I hate her. Of all days to jsut bust my motivation down. YES, I know making excuses is complete bull, and that I can't possibly learn anything or get anywhere without GOING to school, but I was feeling damn miserable today, and not just because of my throat!

So she was yelling at me saying that I'd never make it-- I told her it was obvious I wasn't going to college this coming fall semester anyway, because even if I had the credits to apply to SFSU (my only option-- I refuse to go to CCSF-- and I don't have the credits for SFSU unless I somehow make up that Japanese 3-4) there's the FAFSA-- but since Mom hasn't filed her taxes, we can't fill out the FAFSA, and the application deadline has already passed for SFSU anyway. I stopped really wanting to go there anyway-- if I did, it would just be for Gen.Ed. since you can't really take classes that affect your career/major until your third year. I wanted to get a job in the meantime, I don't care where. In-And-Out, RTA, a courier, whatever. Mom keeps saying the same shit over and over again- that her adult friends with plenty of experience aren't getting jobs, all because of our fucked up economy. Fine, she may be right-- there are plenty of people out of jobs, but how many of her friends are being picky about the jobs that ARE hiring? I don't care if I burger flip, get my hands greasy, or have graveyard hours. I want cash, I want it soon, so I can get the hell out of here. The way she yells at me, says one minute that I'll fail and the next minute that she's proud of me (proud of WHAT!? She hasn't seen my last three report cards, and of the grades she does know, they're almost all POOR! She hates it when I get a damn C! That's GOOD FOR ME!) just gets on my nerves too much. Worse, this only serves to remind me that if I got kicked out, I'd have no one to turn to.

What happened to my indomitable will power? I keep making excuses for why I'm such a sap, a bitch, or just generally bad company lately. I apologize to everyone who's had the misfortune of being aorund me when I was in one of those "moods." I wish I had something fantastic and wonderful to look forward to to keep my motivation and enthusiasm up. But everyone around me has a great life, and they're being blissfully ignorant of those who aren't living it up. Maybe that's not so true-- plenty of them are observant enough, and they DO care... But I guess I'm too picky, aren't I? Excuses again.

I signed off AIM because I started crying after what Mom said... and I was also in the process of reading Will's LJ, and what he said just made me feel worse about how I'd acted this weekend. Everyone was supposed to have fun and everything, and I ruined it by being depressing. Well, maybe I was *trying* to ruin it (subconsciously) but I failed... after all, Will *did* call it the best weekend of the year (even though the year has just begun). So Mom is in her room watching TV, I'm out here typing and trying to think of what to say to Will that won't sound flippant or ridiculous.

It's not just a creative block I'm having, it's a mental block. Something terrible happened to me two years ago - I don't know what- and I haven't been able to function since. I can't do school work, I can't be motivated, I can't seem to do anything right or get over any hurdles. I've turned into the kind of bitch I put on MY Bitch List! Now I have absolutely no destination in my life whatsoever, and I'm just sitting here drowning cheddar goldfish in tomato soup.

Why couldn't it have been me that July day in 1996? Why my sister?

Salad and a TV

Whee, tonight's been kinda fun. I was talking to Dez almost all night -we started exchanging images and banners for our sites and LJs and the such. Mine looks soooo damn cool, but it's HUGE! *wonders how to shrink it without ruining the uber-cool look* I was actually having some success with the styles in PS7... who knows, maybe I'll get it working soon! All I need is one of those picture-books for dummies... ^_^

Well, after the big blow-up with my Mom earlier, things have cooled down... I'm trying to down some nasty licorice flavored tea for my throat, and some salad leftover from when Amber and Will stayed over. I'm being picky though, because there are some yucky tasting leaves in here... blech, so this is what Will meant by plants tasting nasty! EW EW EW! If I drench it in my favorite vinagiarette, it still tastes "planty" and if I overdo it, it tastes too pungent. >_< My face is starting to pucker like it did when we were eating dinner together that night... ;_; Oh well, at least I'm eating something!

I watched the new "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Smallville" episodes tonight *giddy* Admittedly, the idea of Buffy/Spike as a couple is sort of *shudder*-y, but it doesn't make me downright gag or cringe anymore. It's almost kind of cute, what with the Prospective Slayers observing all the slights and innuendos between them. Tee hee hee. "Comfy" tee hee. How comfy is your crypt? Haha... Smallville was actually good though-- it lived up to its preview from last week! Lex really has gone "to the dark side." I'd assume being so severely bugged as he was would make him go nuts... and Lex is like me in the sense that he doesn't like losing battles.

Of course, my perspective on that as of late is, I've been losing before I even get on the battlefield, or before I can even "draw a weapon." Blech. That's all changing though. Is it weird to admire media characters and try to make yourself better-- like them? Not that I plan on becoming some sort of evil multiconglomerate or anything...

Anyway, back to Smallville-- okay, so Lex is going nuts trying to get all the bugs out of his house, but plans on having a team of specialists do the same thing. Only he's doing it "discreetly" under the alias "Mr. Green." Real creative, huh? Anywho, so something goes wrong-- the specialists take Lionel and Martha (who happen to be in the building -alone- sealing a deal that Lionel STOLE from Lex using the bugs) hostage, and then the whole thing becomes big news. This is bad for Lex, since it might somehow implicate him into planting bugs in Luthorcorp, might implicate Lionel for all the shady files he's got on people -I wonder what the file on Clark really said- and so on and so forth. I wonder how Lionel got ahold of the octagon disk anyway...! He's probably really close to discovering -or at least getting an implication of- Clark's power... and speaking of which, I thought Clark was going to fly today! *pout* Surely I wasn't the only one who noticed he was wearing a near-modern rendition of his Superman outfit... red jacket, blue shirt, blue pants? All he was missing was red underwear, a gold belt, and a big S on his chest! ^_^ Well, so next episode, Lionel gets shot-- whether he dies or not is unknown... but in the preview, they almost implicated Lana! WTF!? O.o

So... yeah. Right now I'm talking to Marianya-onee-sama and Gene, which is quite cool, since I might get an invite to his 21st birthday party from the latter. Whee~ Hentai and alcohol abounds! *cough* Right. Don't drink and drive. =D

I want to thank everyone (again) for commenting... I know my whole attitude lately has been less than stellar (and I'm sure me repeating it does wonders for my self-esteem) so... thanks. People easily coulda disowned me from their circle of friends, but instead, it feels like I got a lot closer with the people that mean the most to me. So yay me, I now have a younger sister, a younger brother (who you can talk about with sexual innuendos, hahah!) and an older brother (well, I've had him, but he just kicks more ass than before). It's sad because I'm still missing one-- an older sister-- a real one, that is, not an online one like Marianya, who is a doll in her own right (and ironically -or aptly, if you decide it as such- named Michelle) and all... I guess no one ever can really replace my sister. The day's drawing to a close, and there hasn't been a single candle, cake, or ribbon in sight. I miss my sister.

For the uninformed, she died on 7/20/1996 at Land's End. She was where she shouldn't have been, wasn't properly geared for a "hiking expedition" and fell 200 feet. And, like Lionel Luthor pointed out so graciously on Smallville tonight *watches as the readers groan in despair* when you fight with someone, they're the last words you'll ever say... if one of you dies. And that's just what happens, and it's what keeps me remembering that day as the Day of Hell. Admittedly, it happened so long ago, and with the way I am today, you'd think I'm the type to be practicing what I preach-- moving on, as fast as you can. I told my mom to, since she always brings up Michelle at the worst times. And when she's sad, I get sad. I end up reverting back into the same mode I was at the funeral-- this shell-type of person, only there to comfort others and give out pre-recorded responses of "Yeah, I'm fine" or "Leave me alone right now, please." Nowadays, weakness makes me think I'm pathetic, so I try not to let it show. That never works, as people see right through me, and I end up breaking down anyway. Blaugh, when did this entry get all depressing!?

Well, here's something slightly new and somewhat advice-column for you-- what do you do when you find out that someone likes you-- but you don't like them back? Or, for a little role-reversal, what do you do when you like someone, but you find out they're taken? It seems that mid-January (and no doubt February, what with the Hallmark-ness that is Valentine's Day) is filled with all sorts of romancy-angst. Must be the world has been tuned in to the fact that it's EMSiT day, and all those Evil Mad Scientists in Training will be posting their cliffhanger-filled fics. Oh joy. Well, so this is happening to plenty of people besides me. For the latter, I think it's best just to try and "buck up" and stay friends... it's hard watching someone you love find happiness with another, but as the saying goes "T'is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" along with "If you love something, set it free..." The rest of that, if you didn't know, is "if it returns to you, it is yours to keep." Or, in the pyro's mind, "if it comes back, set it on fire." ^^;;

I dunno though... I use to be a believer in a lot of weird philosophies and such... collecting quotes, discussing ideas, concepts... I'm still torn whether to believe the age-old classic "Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship never." This scared the bejesus out of me when I dated Joe, and now look where I am with him. We never talk. True, we didn't exactly start off as friends... but the thing is, I'd never want to chance a friendship with someone. And my problem therein lies-- the people I end up crushing on the hardest are my friends. Of course, in most cases, they don't start out as my friends, they start out as my crushes, but they never find that out, and we end up being friends. And I'm satisfied with that. Amber's right-- I shouldn't be so desperate right now. The right guy'll come to me. And who knows, maybe I'll have a date for the Boat Dance or Prom!

Geez, I wonder how Winterball at the hotel went... (I bet Amber's REAL glad now that I wasn't gutsy enough to ask Will, aren't ya? Eh, he woulda said no anyway, I bet. *frump*) Well, I best be getting back to making my DWI now... YES, Mer is veanturing into the land of the musically creative! Augh, my salad is getting soggy... *wanders off*