The First

Uh, well, I guess I'm a conformist now, ain't I? Yesh, Mer has gotten herself an LJ. Thanks to Will, by the way, the way, thank you. ^_^

I suppose this is really a testing zone... this is the third journal I've had, and I still prefer Blue Reflections to LJ and FOD. That doesn't stop me from having stuff here, just because it's easier to have people post, have communities, etc... but worrying about narsty backgrounds, ads, and limited characters? Ugh, no fun.

Maybe what I'll do is just copy all the entries I put at BR here...? Or would that be a waste of time? Whatever.

So, instead of making this entry utterly pointless, here goes: this weekend is weird. Hence the 'apathetic' mood. This weekend was weird. I mean, it started out good, got kinda eh-y, got really lousy, then perked up again right at the end. Sorta.

I'm not in the mood for going into details just yet, but I must say, what takes the cake is Johnny from my former ROTC class wanting to call me up and talk to me about the military. He was actually flattering me by saying stuff like I had the perfect skills and talent for the Army and the like... but being a teenager and not a recruiter, this freaked me out! I'd still have to go through Basic if I enlisted (my mom would probably disown me... -.-) which I don't think I could survive... but still... hmmm...

When I become 18 in April, I'm thinking about becoming a courier. I would love to just go anywhere in the world, dropping off packages. Thanks to The Wave (the BEST free Mag in SF!) for giving me the idea... again, my mom would probably hate it. But lately I've just been a combination of restless, frustrated, and fed up. I want to get out of California. I don't have the energy or the skills to apply for college, which yes, is a disappointment, but maybe I need it more than I think. School always stresses me out, and just the thought of a horde of money to pay, tests to take, and classes to pay for (meaning: MUST PASS OR DIE!) just makes me "ehhhh..." I still have my dream of becoming a journalist-- by no means do I intend to just GIVE UP and be one of those burger flippers (and here I was telling Amber on Friday that I might want to work at In-and-Out. Don't laugh) with nothing else to do in my life. I want to go somewhere, I want to do something.

Blargh, anyway, so I'm on edge because of all that army talk. I'm taking the ASVAB next week, that's why. I've been taking it the past three years, I think. So sue me, my "career interests" have changed. Well I'm going to see what I can do about this layout here... maybe experiment with some others... I still have tons of music to organize, anime to watch, my damned Peach Girl 14 to find, and stuff to get off my chest. Maybe I should take Johnny/Shawn/Gina/Amber's advice and start exercising... you know, like going out and jogging? As dark as it's getting and as worried as mom would get, coming home from her Dance Therapy and not finding me here... a jog around Stow Lake sounds kinda nice.

Maybe I just need to break more glass. *sigh* I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions.
Oh phoo. I have fanfics to write and CDs to burn, too. Better go, I guess.

Betrayed! Well...

I'm a friggin' drama queen and I know it. I have such excellent friends, and then when something GOOD happens to them, I feel like someone has corkscrew driven a knife into my chest. Hence the whole drama queen part. I exaggerate, I really do.

But I'm also honest. At least, with myself... and when I really need to be. When people ask me something personal-- that is, "do you think that so-and-so..." or "does such-and-such make me..." I answer them honestly. I see no point in dodging the truth about that kind of stuff, since it usually comes back to slap you in the damn face.

I do have such incredible friends. Okay, so they're probably not the kind I can call at 5 in the morning to ask for a ride home (why the heck would I be out at 5 in the morning if it wasn't with them, anyway?) but that's fine. I mean, I have people I can talk to about anything-- about my fears of not going to college, about my OTHER friends having these lives and opportunities I *wish* I could have... *sigh* I like having people I can talk to and hang out with. I need that.

*laughs* Okay, so I'm not exactly feeling "crushed" or "betrayed" anymore, but that's because I have someone cheering me up... someone who I can talk to frankly about all the crap bothering me the past three or so days... Well, for the remotely curious, that person is Jeremy. He already knew about the thing that he eventually figured bothered the hell out of me, and then we just talked about it... then the topic got changed to all sorts of fun stuff, like people in general, ROTC (I didn't know he was an S5 too! He goes to Lincoln! WHEE!), and hacking onto school computers! ^.^ Very cool. I didn't know we had this much in common. ^^; Eh, but don't misconstrew that last statement... ehehe... Well, so I guess I'm a bit happier now. There's a lot of things I've been thinking about besides the past few days, really. It's just so much has happened... and I'm not exactly looking FORWARD to tomorrow, but I don't have the luxury or the excuse of not going to school. New semester begins... yay. *sarcastic*

For starters, I'm major disappointed that Mom and I won't be going to Ireland next year for Kara's wedding. It seems that, thinking realistically (I thought of this at first, but said nothing, because Ireland sounds so much better) for once, that the wedding is being moved to May of 2004, in New York, where most of Kara's family can go. Still, a lot of people from here in CA will have to go to NY... and I suppose that'll be fun. If not this summer, then that summer of 2004 will be perfect to drop in on Mike! Haha!

I'm pissed that I'm not understanding Photoshop better, and aggravated that I can't get my sites to appear the way I want them to. I'm so picky with layouts, and I hate using ones other people do for me. Of course, the same applies here to LJ. I like doing things for myself, but so many times, things get in my way...

You know, the sad part about the recent past is that I used to be able to tackle stuff head on-- not worry about getting hurt, about minor pitfalls. But now I stop and just break down at the slightest thing. I still try to bottle stuff up inside, it just doesn't work as well as it used to. I keep on thinking I have some psychological complex where I *need* people too much. But then when I have those people, I find something wrong with them, and I end up being insanely jealous of people who have no need of being on the recieving end of my hatred. And it's that I hate about myself. I can't enjoy the company of my friends because of that. This is why I feel like I deserve being alone, and saying that -admitting it- makes me feel pathetic.

I've got so much to make up for, to be thankful for, to keep trying to do in my life, and it just never happens because of my ineptitude. I can't say what I feel until it doesn't matter anymore, or unless no one who cares is listening... I can't fight the way I want because I care too much for someone else's happiness... Why can't I just be happy for my friends? I just can't find the right words to say anymore. I honestly feel like breaking down and crying, but crying alone... it's so sad. Other people have their siblings, have their other friends, have their boyfriends and girlfriends. I... I can honestly say I don't have anyone like that. The one time I thought I did, it just ended up being me looking like I exaggerated everything.

I keep wishing my life would be something out of an anime or a soap opera, because maybe, if even for a split second, it would mean I could REALLY be happy, really be ahead of someone else, and not just be telling myself that.

The one thing I notice a lot of the people around me have a habit of doing -one person only just recently- is saying something that, by all rights, they should know will hurt me... but they say it anyway. It's like being vicious, but pretending to be angelic! Where the f*ck do you get off being like that? It makes me mad, but after everything that these people have been through, I feel like I have no place in their lives, let alone saying something about how their words make me want to yell, kick, scream, cry, and pretty much slip into a fit of enraged anger. How can I call these people my friends when they make me feel this way? It makes me feel terrible to say that... I half imagine a part of me saying "We never were friends..." or "We're not friends... not anymore..." but I know I would just have a void inside me if I did. I need these people, again, TOO MUCH. But seeing this person... this one person who I love as my friend, cherish as my sister... I'm so jealous. I hate it. She's got everything I want. She's had the crushes I've wanted. She's got the clothes, the personality, hell, even the damn pets I want! The fact that she just keeps going through her life so valiantly amazes me... I want nothing more than to be like her, yet I find myself on the verge of HATING her. What's more, I hate myself for thinking like that, for saying it out loud.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY can't I be happy for her?

God, this talk is really depressing. This song isn't doing much for my mood either. I really wish I had a punching bag or something in the garage, because at this rate, I'm going to rip apart some defenseless stuffed animal or break a million glass bottles when I go to take out the trash.
Speaking of which, I better do that now, before Mom comes out here again and nags me. God, I want to leave this place.