Drowning My Goldfish In Tomato Soup
Jan. 21st, 2003 04:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteGah. I can't fix the colors on my journal, and right now, this is the best looking layout I've seen. I know HTML and CSS pretty damn well, but no matter what I enter in the Overrides area, it never takes. Blech. Sean says that it's pointless to try (such an optimist, that boy) since I don't have a paid account... and now, thanks to my froggish-sounding voice coming from my horrendously big mouth (which is a bad thing more often than not) I probably will never get one.
Why? Well, Mom just came home. She's still clueless about me getting up and leaving last night (the very thought of me getting away with that makes me giddy) but she knows I didn't go to school. I easily could have told her I went to school, since by the time she got home, I could have said I *did* go to school, but I sound terrible, and I'm not the type to lie about something that I don't stand to gain much from. Well, maybe.
So she yelled at me for not going to school, and silence reigned. "You're not going to graduate, you know." Way to go, Mom. What a motivational speaker. I hate her. God, I hate her. Of all days to jsut bust my motivation down. YES, I know making excuses is complete bull, and that I can't possibly learn anything or get anywhere without GOING to school, but I was feeling damn miserable today, and not just because of my throat!
So she was yelling at me saying that I'd never make it-- I told her it was obvious I wasn't going to college this coming fall semester anyway, because even if I had the credits to apply to SFSU (my only option-- I refuse to go to CCSF-- and I don't have the credits for SFSU unless I somehow make up that Japanese 3-4) there's the FAFSA-- but since Mom hasn't filed her taxes, we can't fill out the FAFSA, and the application deadline has already passed for SFSU anyway. I stopped really wanting to go there anyway-- if I did, it would just be for Gen.Ed. since you can't really take classes that affect your career/major until your third year. I wanted to get a job in the meantime, I don't care where. In-And-Out, RTA, a courier, whatever. Mom keeps saying the same shit over and over again- that her adult friends with plenty of experience aren't getting jobs, all because of our fucked up economy. Fine, she may be right-- there are plenty of people out of jobs, but how many of her friends are being picky about the jobs that ARE hiring? I don't care if I burger flip, get my hands greasy, or have graveyard hours. I want cash, I want it soon, so I can get the hell out of here. The way she yells at me, says one minute that I'll fail and the next minute that she's proud of me (proud of WHAT!? She hasn't seen my last three report cards, and of the grades she does know, they're almost all POOR! She hates it when I get a damn C! That's GOOD FOR ME!) just gets on my nerves too much. Worse, this only serves to remind me that if I got kicked out, I'd have no one to turn to.
What happened to my indomitable will power? I keep making excuses for why I'm such a sap, a bitch, or just generally bad company lately. I apologize to everyone who's had the misfortune of being aorund me when I was in one of those "moods." I wish I had something fantastic and wonderful to look forward to to keep my motivation and enthusiasm up. But everyone around me has a great life, and they're being blissfully ignorant of those who aren't living it up. Maybe that's not so true-- plenty of them are observant enough, and they DO care... But I guess I'm too picky, aren't I? Excuses again.
I signed off AIM because I started crying after what Mom said... and I was also in the process of reading Will's LJ, and what he said just made me feel worse about how I'd acted this weekend. Everyone was supposed to have fun and everything, and I ruined it by being depressing. Well, maybe I was *trying* to ruin it (subconsciously) but I failed... after all, Will *did* call it the best weekend of the year (even though the year has just begun). So Mom is in her room watching TV, I'm out here typing and trying to think of what to say to Will that won't sound flippant or ridiculous.
It's not just a creative block I'm having, it's a mental block. Something terrible happened to me two years ago - I don't know what- and I haven't been able to function since. I can't do school work, I can't be motivated, I can't seem to do anything right or get over any hurdles. I've turned into the kind of bitch I put on MY Bitch List! Now I have absolutely no destination in my life whatsoever, and I'm just sitting here drowning cheddar goldfish in tomato soup.
Why couldn't it have been me that July day in 1996? Why my sister?
Why? Well, Mom just came home. She's still clueless about me getting up and leaving last night (the very thought of me getting away with that makes me giddy) but she knows I didn't go to school. I easily could have told her I went to school, since by the time she got home, I could have said I *did* go to school, but I sound terrible, and I'm not the type to lie about something that I don't stand to gain much from. Well, maybe.
So she yelled at me for not going to school, and silence reigned. "You're not going to graduate, you know." Way to go, Mom. What a motivational speaker. I hate her. God, I hate her. Of all days to jsut bust my motivation down. YES, I know making excuses is complete bull, and that I can't possibly learn anything or get anywhere without GOING to school, but I was feeling damn miserable today, and not just because of my throat!
So she was yelling at me saying that I'd never make it-- I told her it was obvious I wasn't going to college this coming fall semester anyway, because even if I had the credits to apply to SFSU (my only option-- I refuse to go to CCSF-- and I don't have the credits for SFSU unless I somehow make up that Japanese 3-4) there's the FAFSA-- but since Mom hasn't filed her taxes, we can't fill out the FAFSA, and the application deadline has already passed for SFSU anyway. I stopped really wanting to go there anyway-- if I did, it would just be for Gen.Ed. since you can't really take classes that affect your career/major until your third year. I wanted to get a job in the meantime, I don't care where. In-And-Out, RTA, a courier, whatever. Mom keeps saying the same shit over and over again- that her adult friends with plenty of experience aren't getting jobs, all because of our fucked up economy. Fine, she may be right-- there are plenty of people out of jobs, but how many of her friends are being picky about the jobs that ARE hiring? I don't care if I burger flip, get my hands greasy, or have graveyard hours. I want cash, I want it soon, so I can get the hell out of here. The way she yells at me, says one minute that I'll fail and the next minute that she's proud of me (proud of WHAT!? She hasn't seen my last three report cards, and of the grades she does know, they're almost all POOR! She hates it when I get a damn C! That's GOOD FOR ME!) just gets on my nerves too much. Worse, this only serves to remind me that if I got kicked out, I'd have no one to turn to.
What happened to my indomitable will power? I keep making excuses for why I'm such a sap, a bitch, or just generally bad company lately. I apologize to everyone who's had the misfortune of being aorund me when I was in one of those "moods." I wish I had something fantastic and wonderful to look forward to to keep my motivation and enthusiasm up. But everyone around me has a great life, and they're being blissfully ignorant of those who aren't living it up. Maybe that's not so true-- plenty of them are observant enough, and they DO care... But I guess I'm too picky, aren't I? Excuses again.
I signed off AIM because I started crying after what Mom said... and I was also in the process of reading Will's LJ, and what he said just made me feel worse about how I'd acted this weekend. Everyone was supposed to have fun and everything, and I ruined it by being depressing. Well, maybe I was *trying* to ruin it (subconsciously) but I failed... after all, Will *did* call it the best weekend of the year (even though the year has just begun). So Mom is in her room watching TV, I'm out here typing and trying to think of what to say to Will that won't sound flippant or ridiculous.
It's not just a creative block I'm having, it's a mental block. Something terrible happened to me two years ago - I don't know what- and I haven't been able to function since. I can't do school work, I can't be motivated, I can't seem to do anything right or get over any hurdles. I've turned into the kind of bitch I put on MY Bitch List! Now I have absolutely no destination in my life whatsoever, and I'm just sitting here drowning cheddar goldfish in tomato soup.
Why couldn't it have been me that July day in 1996? Why my sister?
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..... =(
Date: 2003-01-21 05:08 pm (UTC)And my dad personally says stuff like that every now and then, but not a lot... he bitches at me saying that "I need to get my homework done" every damn day, and when I finally start on it, I seem to feel proud to tell him that i've gotten my ass in gear, and he retorts with a sarcastic remark about how "i should have started earlier" or "whoooo, 2 whole pages done! wow!" or something to that extent...
Anyways... you may or may not graduate, but remeber that you've still got a lot of time left in your life, hell in your "youthful" years, and you might as well spend them with friends who care about ya... if anything at all. Sides... with a creative mind like yours, I doubt you really even need college to make a good living. =)