azurite | Memories are evil

You know, it'd be nice if the kind of technology from "Eternal Sunshine" actually existed, and I could erase all my bad, embarassing memories. And even the memories that aren't so bad. It's just that lately, I keep remembering all these nice, sweet things, and then these horrible, icky things...

So I'm going to be late to FX again, but since I'm still torn between going in the first place and not going at all... well, I might as well say what I have to say and get it off my back.

I'm very stupid. Contrary to what either of my parents might say, I am a very dumb girl. Maybe I have decent SAT scores and relatively good grades, but when it comes to people smarts or street smarts, I am severely lacking. I make mistakes so frequently you'd think they came as naturally to me as breathing.

I especially make mistakes where guys are concerned. Let's recap, shall we?

Joe - Never should have broken up with him in the first place. If I'd trusted him instead of making myself out to be the wounded little victim-girl I was, all that tme ago... well, we'd be in a different place now. But I took one incident and blew it out of proportion, and then used it as an excuse not to restart something that was FANTASTIC while it lasted.

And as a result, I ended up making many more mistakes. Many, many more, that damaged a lot of the best friendships I've ever had.

There was Mike... which was a very sorry crush. You know, I remember exactly what I was thinking when I walked off with Mike down the beach at that bonfire all those months ago. I thought, "I hope Joe gets jealous." And he did. So mission accomplished, but where was the glory, the happiness, the security? I wanted to be cruel, I was, and... I got nothing out of it.

Mike is one of those weird friends that everyone has (in the sense of his character; everyone probably knows someone a little bit like him), and he's not at all the kind of guy I would ever want to be in a relationship. After all the crap that happened (with Mike between me and Amber; I never should have put HER through that angst), I still ended up making the biggest mistake of ever with him... and now I can't ever get that back. I slept with him,, and--
(1) It wasn't even that good
(2) It didn't even last long
(3) It certainly isn't the kind of "fond memory" I like to look back on
(4) I didn't even "sleep" really. -.-;

So yeah, I regret that. At one time, I fancied myself "in love" with Mike, but then the feeling faded so fast, I look back and wonder "Why would I have ever thought that?"

And then there was Lonnie. Lonnie was intriguing when I first met him-- sensual, sexy, and mysterious. We met a few times, and I was weirded out-- but we never seemed to have all that much to talk about. He was pretty frustrating. He was nice sometimes.

But...
(1) He had a past that no one could ever decipher- he reveled in being mysterious
(2) He had shady connections with all sorts of people-- guys and girls alike. And I never met any of them.
(3) He liked to guilt trip people when it came to emotions
(4) He STOLE MY DVD!! >_always remember my first kiss.

There were other incidences... outside the hotel room, and after the fact, I was all giddy and I flopped down on the bed next to Mom's with this big, dramatic sigh. I kept thinking of that scene in "The Princess Diaries" when Mia had that "foot-popping" kiss. Okay, so my foot didn't "pop" since it was underwater, but... it was the same feeling. Like you're walking on air, you know?

I remember when the con was about to end, and Joe and I were just lying out on the carpet in the lobby near the gaming room. I remember when he got dropped off at Bart, and he kissed me goodbye, and my Mom had this huge, stupid grin on her face. It was like "SCOOOOORRRE!" I was happy, too.

I remember all the times that hurt him, and they should have hurt me, but I wasn't thinking straight. How uncomfortable I felt with him at graduation, though it would have been a zillion times lonelier without him. None of my other friends made it. Maybe they didn't even know.

And prom was pretty lonely, too. I can't help but thinking that it would have been nice with him there. It would have been funny; he probably would have been the oldest guy there (short of the administrators!) but... it would have been nice to dance with someone who wasn't a foot and a half taller than me (*cough*Don*cough*).

Memories are evil, I guess, because you remember the good times when you wish you'd remember the bad-- if I could bring myself to be mad at Joe, to keep hating him, maybe it would be easier to "get over" him in reality. All this time, I've been faking it, thinking that he'd never get over me. Well, my delusions of grandeur have come to a crashing halt, and guess what? He's found someone new. And she probably likes him back, and I really shouldn't (doubt I *could,* if I tried) stand in their way. I want to talk to her, and tell her all this, tell her all I told Joe, so for that reason... I'm going to get up off my lazy ass and shower. And then go to FX.