![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteOh. My. God.
I'm still in this semi-amazed state here. It's been a while since I've had the time or reason to really rant like this, so please listen. Especially YOU, Eva.
So I'm working Box last night, and I'm horribly tired, despite the fact that I slept more than anyone else at the party... Well, blame it on my odd ability to get comfortable in all sorts of places. The whole party thing is another long and drawn out story, and not the reason why I'm in such a state of shock. So keep going.
And then out of nowhere, guess who comes up to my window. I mean, no one will ever guess. So I'm going to tell you, even though by babbling like this, I'm just prolonging the repetitive feeling of awe, shock, and all those other jaw-dropping emotions. Be surprised, Eva and Steph, be VERY surprised.
Chris Garcia.
Not the actor. Not some singer. Not some Latino guy from Mission High. So for all of you that just recently met me (i.e. during high school) then I have to give you a bit of backstory. Eva and Steph, skip this part. :D
For several years, probably starting in 3rd grade or so, I started going to an afterschool known as "Claire Lilienthal." Back then, it was at Cherry and Washington, near some hospital... Argonne was there for a while too, while the new building (what I call "the macaroni building") was being... er, built. Anyway. It was there I met Chris. We were both kind of outcasts... I blame it on our short freckled-ness. I can't say it was because of the abundance of AZNs (like I can now; CL actually was pretty white... o_O) And we clicked. We were really good friends... though around 5th grade, Chris had to leave CL. I started going home on my own... and then Michelle died.
Michelle, my sister, my everything, gone. Chris was the only one there for ME and ME alone. That summer changed everything about me, so if you've ever thought I'm a prissy, bossy, bitch, well, that's why. I'm not making excuses; it's the truth. Eva's known me from the beginning; she can at least vouch for this a LITTLE. Then Middle School started, and as far as I was concerned, I was a different person. Chris came to Presidio too, and I met tons of other people... but Chris and I never had classes together. It was hard staying in touch. By 2nd year, he hung out with guys that didn't like me much, and by 3rd year, he had joined them in insulting me whenever he could. It broke my heart-- almost literally, too. I remember with horrifying clarity breaking down into tears and crying all lunch period (and beyond) when he told one of my friends to tell me to leave him alone-- forever.
I was head over heels in love with this guy, one of my truest friends since I could remember. And come graduation, things had sort of boiled over. I'd envisioned all these ways I'd hurt him, kick his ass... but I found out he was leaving. To Santa Cruz. I didn't believe the rumors, so when I hugged his Mom goodbye, and I saw him, I couldn't say anything. Couldn't ask if the rumors were true, or if they were, how could I keep in touch? We spent two years hating one another. Teenage stupidity at its highest, I tell you.
The rumors were true. His house was For Rent within a few weeks. The only people that he would have given his new address to were people I wouldn't talk to for any price. And that was it. Freshman year, I fell -HARD- for Jason, my company commander. That was memorable, hilarious... "violent," as Roro calls it. X_X But it was just that-- a crush. I never really talked to Jason, never got to know him. If I ever saw him now, yeah, sure, I'd probably flirt with him-- act way different than I had when I first knew him... but he's no Chris. I mean... what Chris was to me was something so much more than friends. We never really went out, but in an odd sense, it felt like we had. I'd considered him my boyfriend for a while-- we'd gone to nice places, eaten out together, exchanged sappy and sweet gifts... I still have the leather bracelet he gave me.
So, flash forward. There he is. I haven't seen this guy in what, 5 years? More? We're separated by a wall of glass, and that's it. He says "Meredith? Do you remember me?" I think the second I saw his face, my world sort of blanked out. I'd been so tired, so seeing him was almost some sort of clue that I'd fallen asleep or fainted or whatever.
I'd thought of him very briefly this past month. Once, when I saw his photo while I was organizing Mom's collage. Again earlier, when I'd been talking with the girls about past crushes. Only Steph and Eva knew about Chris (out of the present company) so I'd brushed it off easily. And that was it. But I HAD had an odd feeling earlier that day, not quite a deja vu... but you might know what I mean. And then it was real, and he was there...
He grabbed my hand (in a non-violent, very pleasant way) and said, "Look, I never got to apologize for what happened between us."
This is the part where my eyes bug out and my jaw drops. I'm really unable to speak, for the first time in my life. I have NEVER been speechless. Hell, even when my dad told me my sister had died, I pestered him almost immediately, asking if he was joking. More of another story. YES, I remembered Chris. The conversation had to be light and brief, given that there was a line behind him... he asked how I was doing-- was I in college? I told him the truth, no, next semester... he said he's in the Marines now. I could sort of tell --hell, I half expected something like that, from him-- and I said as much. I think I was too stunned to ask him how he'd been, where he was staying, what the hell he was doing back in San Francisco. Who was his friend (a guy)? I didn't ask, and now the regret hits me full force. They didn't go see a movie; if they had, I could have gotten into it a mere half-hour in (he showed up a half hour before I got off work!!! ;_;) and spent some time with him. But they didn't see a movie, and now...
"It was nice seeing you again. Take care."
And that was it!! ;_; I know his name, his birthday, and the fact that he's in the Marines now. Someone, anyone, please. Help me find him.
Somehow this tops off any of the weirdness, and as![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zigx puts it, "bullshit" of the party. You are going to hear my side. But you knew that, didn't you?
Work on the 26th SUCKED. It was just bad. And frankly, the day before, with Christmas dinner and everything, there was that uncofortable level of AWKWARDNESS that I can't stand. Why? It's no secret. Joe told me he's still in love with me. Or at least, he said, "I love you" in one of those whispery voices. It was nice to hear, but I didn't WANT to hear it. Not from him. I've been hoping all this time that he's been getting OVER me, but HAH, fat chance. This is where I was wrong in having a "middle-ground" with him, where it was okay for us to hold hands and hug, but without him getting the wrong idea. WRONG. I'm not doing that again. "Just friends" isn't the kind of thing he absorbs easily, I guess... which is sad, because I liked being able to talk to him, to hang out with him. I liked text messaging him about random shit, I liked us going shopping.
Anyway, in my typical "Aw shit, whaddo I do now?" fashion, I just said "Good night, and get home safe" in response to his words. What did he expect?! He knows I don't --and won't-- like him that way ever again. The first time he pretty mush CRUSHED me, and nearly eliminated my trust in him. And then two weeks later, he decides he "messed up," and wants to get back together. Suffice it to say, I didn't want to. I ended up getting back with him two weeks later, but that was my mistake. Things didn't work out AGAIN, as I had started losing feelings for him ever since he broke up with me (in that rather tactless, messy way). And I broke up with him because you all know that HONESTY is my policy. I wasn't going to keep going out with him, keep letting him treat me like a princess when I didn't deserve it. When I'd end up cheating on him. So I broke up with him for US. As dorky as that sounds, it's true. Slowly, we ended up becoming friends again, but more than once he admitted he still liked me. -.- And since then, things have been just as complicated.
My life is a soap opera-- the past two nights are proof of that.
So at the party, I just wanted to forget about what he'd SAID again, not dwell on what he might have been expecting... I wanted to forget about my bad day at work. I wanted the pain in my leg to go away (btw, it still hurts. I wonder if I fractured it or something) and my lousy, mean co-workers and managers to disappear (btw again, it's not like all of them were mean or whatever; it was just that day that people came off as unusually nasty to me for NO GODDAMNED REASON!). I planned on drinking, gaming, and having fun with my friends.
And I did!! What, pray tell, is wrong with that!? I didn't get smash drunk, I didn't take off any clothes! I had FUN! And yeah, I flirted withgod_101. SO!? I'm not in a relationship right now; I don't WANT to be! But what does Joe do? He SULKS! He doesn't talk to me, doesn't say ANYTHING! I didn't interpret this as acceptance or denial or whatever, but honestly, the boy should know better after all this time! I am NO ONE's property, I am my own woman, and I am free to do what I want, when I want, where I want, with who I want (within constitutional law)!!
But no. I spend most of the night in Anthony's arms, we're just chillin' and drinkin', sharing some light Skyy Blue and watching Kill Bill, Monty Python... all that goodness. And Joe sulks. I fell asleep sometime after 1am, and woke up around 5 to "It's over!" or something like that. People were milling about and leaving. I was like "ugh, okay..." I didn't get a ride to Vince's with the first wave (in Joe's car) like Anthony and Vince did; when I did get a ride home, Joe was apparently moody-- judging from the violent way he was driving, barely giving us five seconds to even buckle up. I wanted to smack him, I swear.
You know, I've never really *wanted* to smack anyone. Okay, maybe that bitch Raquel, but she deserved it so much more. But right then, I just wanted to... god, I hate myself for thinking it, but it's true! In my eyes, he was being rude, immature, selfish, introverted... like everything I'd ever said and done was for nothing. So let him think it was all "complete and utter bullshit." It's MY LIFE! I care about him, but if this is how he's going to be when I want to kick back and have fun, then forget it! It was bad enough when my own friends, people I've known for longer than him, started saying "hi" to him more than me; associating me with him even AFTER we'd broken up, like I was some sort of pet. I'm not on anyone's leash!
Come New Year's, I plan on being in a damn happy mood. I plan on sticking to my resolutions, I plan on having fun and partying. Come what may!
My life is one constant "trauma-drama" where guys are concerned, but it's never gotten me that down. I have the best guy friends in the world. I love every one of them! I miss every one of them! I need every one of them! PERIOD!
Vince. Chris. Jimmy. Ck1. Cris. Cheuk. Sung. Will. The Other Chris from RTA. Joe. PsyJoe. Bruce. Anthony. Sean. Benji. Lonnie. Mike. Jackson. Richie. Fred. Siggy. Dez. Paolo. Jeffrey. Cerb. Aaron. Taz. Richard. Johnny. Jonathan. Jason Chue. Harry. Henley. Jeremy. Dustin. Shawn.
God, I can't even REMEMBER everyone! I am so BLESSED to have so many friends. I have, at least during one point in my life, envied every one of them, and then some!
This is my mood. This is my fate. This is it.
I'm done.
I'm still in this semi-amazed state here. It's been a while since I've had the time or reason to really rant like this, so please listen. Especially YOU, Eva.
So I'm working Box last night, and I'm horribly tired, despite the fact that I slept more than anyone else at the party... Well, blame it on my odd ability to get comfortable in all sorts of places. The whole party thing is another long and drawn out story, and not the reason why I'm in such a state of shock. So keep going.
And then out of nowhere, guess who comes up to my window. I mean, no one will ever guess. So I'm going to tell you, even though by babbling like this, I'm just prolonging the repetitive feeling of awe, shock, and all those other jaw-dropping emotions. Be surprised, Eva and Steph, be VERY surprised.
Chris Garcia.
Not the actor. Not some singer. Not some Latino guy from Mission High. So for all of you that just recently met me (i.e. during high school) then I have to give you a bit of backstory. Eva and Steph, skip this part. :D
For several years, probably starting in 3rd grade or so, I started going to an afterschool known as "Claire Lilienthal." Back then, it was at Cherry and Washington, near some hospital... Argonne was there for a while too, while the new building (what I call "the macaroni building") was being... er, built. Anyway. It was there I met Chris. We were both kind of outcasts... I blame it on our short freckled-ness. I can't say it was because of the abundance of AZNs (like I can now; CL actually was pretty white... o_O) And we clicked. We were really good friends... though around 5th grade, Chris had to leave CL. I started going home on my own... and then Michelle died.
Michelle, my sister, my everything, gone. Chris was the only one there for ME and ME alone. That summer changed everything about me, so if you've ever thought I'm a prissy, bossy, bitch, well, that's why. I'm not making excuses; it's the truth. Eva's known me from the beginning; she can at least vouch for this a LITTLE. Then Middle School started, and as far as I was concerned, I was a different person. Chris came to Presidio too, and I met tons of other people... but Chris and I never had classes together. It was hard staying in touch. By 2nd year, he hung out with guys that didn't like me much, and by 3rd year, he had joined them in insulting me whenever he could. It broke my heart-- almost literally, too. I remember with horrifying clarity breaking down into tears and crying all lunch period (and beyond) when he told one of my friends to tell me to leave him alone-- forever.
I was head over heels in love with this guy, one of my truest friends since I could remember. And come graduation, things had sort of boiled over. I'd envisioned all these ways I'd hurt him, kick his ass... but I found out he was leaving. To Santa Cruz. I didn't believe the rumors, so when I hugged his Mom goodbye, and I saw him, I couldn't say anything. Couldn't ask if the rumors were true, or if they were, how could I keep in touch? We spent two years hating one another. Teenage stupidity at its highest, I tell you.
The rumors were true. His house was For Rent within a few weeks. The only people that he would have given his new address to were people I wouldn't talk to for any price. And that was it. Freshman year, I fell -HARD- for Jason, my company commander. That was memorable, hilarious... "violent," as Roro calls it. X_X But it was just that-- a crush. I never really talked to Jason, never got to know him. If I ever saw him now, yeah, sure, I'd probably flirt with him-- act way different than I had when I first knew him... but he's no Chris. I mean... what Chris was to me was something so much more than friends. We never really went out, but in an odd sense, it felt like we had. I'd considered him my boyfriend for a while-- we'd gone to nice places, eaten out together, exchanged sappy and sweet gifts... I still have the leather bracelet he gave me.
So, flash forward. There he is. I haven't seen this guy in what, 5 years? More? We're separated by a wall of glass, and that's it. He says "Meredith? Do you remember me?" I think the second I saw his face, my world sort of blanked out. I'd been so tired, so seeing him was almost some sort of clue that I'd fallen asleep or fainted or whatever.
I'd thought of him very briefly this past month. Once, when I saw his photo while I was organizing Mom's collage. Again earlier, when I'd been talking with the girls about past crushes. Only Steph and Eva knew about Chris (out of the present company) so I'd brushed it off easily. And that was it. But I HAD had an odd feeling earlier that day, not quite a deja vu... but you might know what I mean. And then it was real, and he was there...
He grabbed my hand (in a non-violent, very pleasant way) and said, "Look, I never got to apologize for what happened between us."
This is the part where my eyes bug out and my jaw drops. I'm really unable to speak, for the first time in my life. I have NEVER been speechless. Hell, even when my dad told me my sister had died, I pestered him almost immediately, asking if he was joking. More of another story. YES, I remembered Chris. The conversation had to be light and brief, given that there was a line behind him... he asked how I was doing-- was I in college? I told him the truth, no, next semester... he said he's in the Marines now. I could sort of tell --hell, I half expected something like that, from him-- and I said as much. I think I was too stunned to ask him how he'd been, where he was staying, what the hell he was doing back in San Francisco. Who was his friend (a guy)? I didn't ask, and now the regret hits me full force. They didn't go see a movie; if they had, I could have gotten into it a mere half-hour in (he showed up a half hour before I got off work!!! ;_;) and spent some time with him. But they didn't see a movie, and now...
"It was nice seeing you again. Take care."
And that was it!! ;_; I know his name, his birthday, and the fact that he's in the Marines now. Someone, anyone, please. Help me find him.
Somehow this tops off any of the weirdness, and as
zigx puts it, "bullshit" of the party. You are going to hear my side. But you knew that, didn't you?Work on the 26th SUCKED. It was just bad. And frankly, the day before, with Christmas dinner and everything, there was that uncofortable level of AWKWARDNESS that I can't stand. Why? It's no secret. Joe told me he's still in love with me. Or at least, he said, "I love you" in one of those whispery voices. It was nice to hear, but I didn't WANT to hear it. Not from him. I've been hoping all this time that he's been getting OVER me, but HAH, fat chance. This is where I was wrong in having a "middle-ground" with him, where it was okay for us to hold hands and hug, but without him getting the wrong idea. WRONG. I'm not doing that again. "Just friends" isn't the kind of thing he absorbs easily, I guess... which is sad, because I liked being able to talk to him, to hang out with him. I liked text messaging him about random shit, I liked us going shopping.
Anyway, in my typical "Aw shit, whaddo I do now?" fashion, I just said "Good night, and get home safe" in response to his words. What did he expect?! He knows I don't --and won't-- like him that way ever again. The first time he pretty mush CRUSHED me, and nearly eliminated my trust in him. And then two weeks later, he decides he "messed up," and wants to get back together. Suffice it to say, I didn't want to. I ended up getting back with him two weeks later, but that was my mistake. Things didn't work out AGAIN, as I had started losing feelings for him ever since he broke up with me (in that rather tactless, messy way). And I broke up with him because you all know that HONESTY is my policy. I wasn't going to keep going out with him, keep letting him treat me like a princess when I didn't deserve it. When I'd end up cheating on him. So I broke up with him for US. As dorky as that sounds, it's true. Slowly, we ended up becoming friends again, but more than once he admitted he still liked me. -.- And since then, things have been just as complicated.
My life is a soap opera-- the past two nights are proof of that.
So at the party, I just wanted to forget about what he'd SAID again, not dwell on what he might have been expecting... I wanted to forget about my bad day at work. I wanted the pain in my leg to go away (btw, it still hurts. I wonder if I fractured it or something) and my lousy, mean co-workers and managers to disappear (btw again, it's not like all of them were mean or whatever; it was just that day that people came off as unusually nasty to me for NO GODDAMNED REASON!). I planned on drinking, gaming, and having fun with my friends.
And I did!! What, pray tell, is wrong with that!? I didn't get smash drunk, I didn't take off any clothes! I had FUN! And yeah, I flirted with
god_101. SO!? I'm not in a relationship right now; I don't WANT to be! But what does Joe do? He SULKS! He doesn't talk to me, doesn't say ANYTHING! I didn't interpret this as acceptance or denial or whatever, but honestly, the boy should know better after all this time! I am NO ONE's property, I am my own woman, and I am free to do what I want, when I want, where I want, with who I want (within constitutional law)!!But no. I spend most of the night in Anthony's arms, we're just chillin' and drinkin', sharing some light Skyy Blue and watching Kill Bill, Monty Python... all that goodness. And Joe sulks. I fell asleep sometime after 1am, and woke up around 5 to "It's over!" or something like that. People were milling about and leaving. I was like "ugh, okay..." I didn't get a ride to Vince's with the first wave (in Joe's car) like Anthony and Vince did; when I did get a ride home, Joe was apparently moody-- judging from the violent way he was driving, barely giving us five seconds to even buckle up. I wanted to smack him, I swear.
You know, I've never really *wanted* to smack anyone. Okay, maybe that bitch Raquel, but she deserved it so much more. But right then, I just wanted to... god, I hate myself for thinking it, but it's true! In my eyes, he was being rude, immature, selfish, introverted... like everything I'd ever said and done was for nothing. So let him think it was all "complete and utter bullshit." It's MY LIFE! I care about him, but if this is how he's going to be when I want to kick back and have fun, then forget it! It was bad enough when my own friends, people I've known for longer than him, started saying "hi" to him more than me; associating me with him even AFTER we'd broken up, like I was some sort of pet. I'm not on anyone's leash!
Come New Year's, I plan on being in a damn happy mood. I plan on sticking to my resolutions, I plan on having fun and partying. Come what may!
My life is one constant "trauma-drama" where guys are concerned, but it's never gotten me that down. I have the best guy friends in the world. I love every one of them! I miss every one of them! I need every one of them! PERIOD!
Vince. Chris. Jimmy. Ck1. Cris. Cheuk. Sung. Will. The Other Chris from RTA. Joe. PsyJoe. Bruce. Anthony. Sean. Benji. Lonnie. Mike. Jackson. Richie. Fred. Siggy. Dez. Paolo. Jeffrey. Cerb. Aaron. Taz. Richard. Johnny. Jonathan. Jason Chue. Harry. Henley. Jeremy. Dustin. Shawn.
God, I can't even REMEMBER everyone! I am so BLESSED to have so many friends. I have, at least during one point in my life, envied every one of them, and then some!
This is my mood. This is my fate. This is it.
I'm done.
