On a scale of 1-10...
Oct. 17th, 2003 06:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteI like my mom (right at this moment) a 4. Seriously.
She wakes up and, as usual, gives me the "What are YOU doing up? Why haven't you slept? When did you get up? How come the dishes aren't put away?" schpiel. It's always the same old thing. We keep separate hours and everything, but lately, everything is my fault when it comes to why I don't get/understand/do/accomplish something.
Which is really sad. Not pathetic, but SAD. Like, tears, cry, upset, sad. She yelled at me over pots and pans. She said "You know, sometimes I don't think you use your brain." Seriously, I thought, "Who is this woman, and where is my MOM?" The woman I really adored back when I was a kid disappeared when Michelle died, and now, it's like a sad lady got even worse.
I'm not saying I don't give my mom any credit, but today she practically exploded at me, assuming things, blowing things out of proportion, and taking things the wrong way. Me? I tried to stay calm and level when speaking to her-- I was pretty sure I DID. I mean, short of FILMING or RECORDING these encounters, I don't know of any real way to convey to you how hard I feel like I'm trying. I feel like I'm on the verge of crying here, because she's saying she's disappointed in me for not going to school this semester (when this was something I discussed with her a LONG time ago-- and it's not like I'm not doing ANYTHING-- I *AM* working!) and how I'm not doing enough around the house.
Not enough compared to when I was in school, she means. And that I can understand. But it's not like Mom ever actually TRIES to understand what it is I do here online all the time, or even why it's important to me. I will admit, YES, I do leave my stuff in the dining room and computer room, and it *is* a mess. And saying Mom never has friends over anyway isn't an excuse-- nor is the fact that my room's messy. So I just have to make it a habit to clear my stuff-- jackets and shoes included-- from those areas. Fine. And I can even vacuum more often.
But yeesh, I hate how Mom suddenly wants to cut me off almost entirely-- paying for everything from postage to milk! I understand how times are tight, but have I suddenly gotten more expensive to take care of? I mean, Mom hasn't even dealt with tuition yet! She's STILL getting money from my Dad, as far as I know, still works and gets paid-- and I haven't gone grocery shopping, laundering, or clothes shopping in a LONG TIME! So where is her money going, I wonder? Paying off debts and bills I can understand, but it's not like I've been abusing the Internet (we have $21/unlimited) or my cell phone (which she wants me to start paying, and I'm *okay* with that) ... so what?
The wonderful little brat inside me insists mom's buying weed again or something. I hate not being able to trust her, I hate not being able to talk to her (without her interrupting me or accusing me of something). I mean I used to think I was normal, but I see that I'm from a seriously dysfunctional family of two. I'm the functional, mom's the dys. Or so it seems, anyway.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm going to CRY because of her! I hate being terrified that she's going to hit me once to get me out of the way or make a point, and then it's not going to stop. I don't want to go back to the way she was... I don't even know when it was, but she was psychotic, she was NOT a mom, and I had the black eye and the fat lip to prove it. Isn't it wrong on some level out there, to be so afraid of your own parent? It's one thing to have the usual teenage angst and not like them, not agree with them... but I can't even remember the last time mom sincerely HUGGED me. Saying "Love you" seems so retarded, so redundant, so MEANINGLESS now... I try not to say it, since I feel guilty for not meaning it.
Has anyone figured out how much this SUCKS yet?
She wakes up and, as usual, gives me the "What are YOU doing up? Why haven't you slept? When did you get up? How come the dishes aren't put away?" schpiel. It's always the same old thing. We keep separate hours and everything, but lately, everything is my fault when it comes to why I don't get/understand/do/accomplish something.
Which is really sad. Not pathetic, but SAD. Like, tears, cry, upset, sad. She yelled at me over pots and pans. She said "You know, sometimes I don't think you use your brain." Seriously, I thought, "Who is this woman, and where is my MOM?" The woman I really adored back when I was a kid disappeared when Michelle died, and now, it's like a sad lady got even worse.
I'm not saying I don't give my mom any credit, but today she practically exploded at me, assuming things, blowing things out of proportion, and taking things the wrong way. Me? I tried to stay calm and level when speaking to her-- I was pretty sure I DID. I mean, short of FILMING or RECORDING these encounters, I don't know of any real way to convey to you how hard I feel like I'm trying. I feel like I'm on the verge of crying here, because she's saying she's disappointed in me for not going to school this semester (when this was something I discussed with her a LONG time ago-- and it's not like I'm not doing ANYTHING-- I *AM* working!) and how I'm not doing enough around the house.
Not enough compared to when I was in school, she means. And that I can understand. But it's not like Mom ever actually TRIES to understand what it is I do here online all the time, or even why it's important to me. I will admit, YES, I do leave my stuff in the dining room and computer room, and it *is* a mess. And saying Mom never has friends over anyway isn't an excuse-- nor is the fact that my room's messy. So I just have to make it a habit to clear my stuff-- jackets and shoes included-- from those areas. Fine. And I can even vacuum more often.
But yeesh, I hate how Mom suddenly wants to cut me off almost entirely-- paying for everything from postage to milk! I understand how times are tight, but have I suddenly gotten more expensive to take care of? I mean, Mom hasn't even dealt with tuition yet! She's STILL getting money from my Dad, as far as I know, still works and gets paid-- and I haven't gone grocery shopping, laundering, or clothes shopping in a LONG TIME! So where is her money going, I wonder? Paying off debts and bills I can understand, but it's not like I've been abusing the Internet (we have $21/unlimited) or my cell phone (which she wants me to start paying, and I'm *okay* with that) ... so what?
The wonderful little brat inside me insists mom's buying weed again or something. I hate not being able to trust her, I hate not being able to talk to her (without her interrupting me or accusing me of something). I mean I used to think I was normal, but I see that I'm from a seriously dysfunctional family of two. I'm the functional, mom's the dys. Or so it seems, anyway.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm going to CRY because of her! I hate being terrified that she's going to hit me once to get me out of the way or make a point, and then it's not going to stop. I don't want to go back to the way she was... I don't even know when it was, but she was psychotic, she was NOT a mom, and I had the black eye and the fat lip to prove it. Isn't it wrong on some level out there, to be so afraid of your own parent? It's one thing to have the usual teenage angst and not like them, not agree with them... but I can't even remember the last time mom sincerely HUGGED me. Saying "Love you" seems so retarded, so redundant, so MEANINGLESS now... I try not to say it, since I feel guilty for not meaning it.
Has anyone figured out how much this SUCKS yet?
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-19 06:06 pm (UTC)*hugs* keep on rockin!! :o) *gives u more cookies* ^.^
Thanks!
Date: 2003-10-20 01:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-23 12:05 pm (UTC):D Sankyuu!
Date: 2003-10-25 01:13 am (UTC)