azurite: (anime)
[personal profile] azurite
Several things:
(1) The "Oddball Out" title on my last entry wasn't really explained. I mentioned how directors have something in mind when they create a movie, a purpose and a reaction they hope to get from the audience. I consider myself the oddball out because I wasn't one of the "OMG COOL!" people, I was seriously deep in thought about the movie (between examining the cuteness of the actors... but hey, can you blame me, I'm a fangirl!) and, yes, admittedly, I cried at the end. =P Blah.

(2) Cleaned up my room some more... it has a floor! SHOCK! My bed is still a mess though, and I'm so listless in cleaning everything off of it, trying to sort out everything (luckily my clothes were the easy end of THAT stick) that I stopped kind of early and retired to do some more reading, take a shower, and take out the compost/recycling. Also had a craving for a grilled cheese, so I called mom to arrange meeting her at Safeway so we can get yummy foods. Solved the dresser problem by moving all my clothes, finding the screws to the missing handle, and moving it across the room to a place where mom can take it when she figures out where to put Michelle's old one. I took the knob off the sunroom door so it wouldn't make things crooked. Go me!

Also I made a pile of papers of stuff involving things I have to look up online, or simply want to add to my journal... most of them will follow. But it's long, so I'll LJ-cut most of them.

Finished 2 more novels today (I'm a speed demon!) but it was something in the one that I finished the other day, the SVH Double Love/Sweet 18 one that made me think. They had something in there called "Senior Wills," where all the students left their friends something behind, something from their high school years, or their times together. Made me wish I'd done something like that-- printed out a bunch of those on nice paper and given them to all my friends before school ended, and before my printer crapped out on me. So, even if most of them won't read this, here it is anyway.


To Eva, more stress and pestering than you will ever need. And an endless supply of cute.

To Stephanie, a notebook with a gel pen so you will always have a place to write notes and stories and gossip in.

To Kripa, more compliments about your fashion sense than you will get from Georgio Armani himself. And, like Steph, a notebook with a gel pen so we can always pass notes.

To Rochelle, copies of all my anime so you'll never need to borrow mine! Constant neediness of your older sister presence, even though I'm older than you. And compliments on your fantastic singing, and encouragement that will take you to stardom and beyond.

To Katia, cheers for your incredible, enviable studiousness and superlicious creativity, along with memories of 9th grade English, an introduction to Wicca, and making ROTC a lot easier.

To Sheila, me nagging you about Cunningham more than you will ever need. An a gift certificate to the Disney store so you can Pooh yourself out. And a deck of cards, so you will never be bored at any camp. Ever. *wink wink*

To Crystal, the greatest debate.

To Evie and Maggie, any excuse to get you guys partyin'! JENGA!

To Harry, a sense of humor! And your Initial D CDs back. ^^;

To Dan B., Starburst, because I owe you. Oh, and a pack of your choice flavor Kool-Aid. And bragging rights for beating me at C.O.M. freshman year.

To Cassie, endless nagging, but the result will always be the BEST DAMN STUDENT PAPER IN ALL OF SF! GOOOO EAGLES! P.S. thanks for the pizza!~ =D

To Colleen, yet another great debate and lots of fun.

To Corinna, a *laminated* copy of our "wedding" certificate, an envy of your fashion sense, and especially of your height. Why can't I be as modelesque as you!?

Okay, so back in my junior year, for that brief stint when I was S5 of my battalion, I had a desk, and that desk had a desk... whatever-you-call-it on it, and it was cool, because it had STUFF on it! And some of that stuff I finally pulled off that old desk cover thing, and... here they are. I got them from some site a while ago, but they're funny as heck, so I'm sharing them to save everyone the trouble of linking somewhere else. Enjoy.


The Tennessee Squire

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by former chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the rules say you need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can sell on the black market.

Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all of the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can take and sell it on the "free" market.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbor picks someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you any money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Anarcho-Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Olympics-ism: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer, and saw its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

Limbaugh-ism: You used to have two cows. They may be dead; you don't know, because you can't smell them through the stench of your unwashed, 1,500 ld. bulk. It's been six years since you could fit into the shower. You blame the entire situation on an evil government conspiracy, and click the remote to another talk show.

X-Files-ism: Your cows turn out to be the government. They milk YOU. You are saved by two generic bimbos, a female and a male with blow-dried hair, after (1) a car chase, involving UFOs, (2) a gunfight, and (3) a seance. The aliens get the advertising revenue after the Nielsens rise.



Dennis Kalmus

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters caught in quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers. (GROSS!)

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka. (It really is the name of a coffee. Sanka, Sank-A... Get it?)

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

Why did Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hat.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it. (U-neek... You sneak? Get it?)

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it. (I think the person answering these has a stuffy nose.)

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang-bang, clop, clop, clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.


=INTERMISSION=
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
A language is a dialect with an army.
There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.


Dennis Kalmus

So, why did the chicken cross the road? Let's ask these famous people and find out.

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Jerry Farwell and Rush Limbaugh (Joint Statement): Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it... the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It is against thw laws of man and nature and the rule of law must prevail. It's as plain and simple as that.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain.

Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads with having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Freud: The fact that you at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will law eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. (Okay, so maybe this is a little bit dated...)

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken?" Could you define "chicken," please?

George W. Bush: I don't think I should have to answer that question.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Bible: And God came down from the Heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road," and the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?


Are you rolling on the floor in laughter yet? No? GO READ THEM!


Dennis Kalmus, once again

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


  1. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this plane..."

  2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane until we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings, it affects the flight pattern."

  3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express/ We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

  4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker... "Whoa, big fella... WHOA."

  5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms n Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything as shifted."

  6. From a Southwest Airlines Employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

    In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

  7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

  8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

  9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

  10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

  11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

  12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, TX, on a particularly windy and bumpy day... During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, a flight attendant came onto the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

  13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "We ask you to remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

  14. An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airlines." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.

    She asked, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question."

    "Why no," the pilot said, "What is it?"

    "Did we land or were we shot down?"

  15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, AZ, a flight attendant came on the PA and said "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells have silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

  16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."




Ugh, that took forever, and I still have one more email address to check before I make lunch and read some more... then clean up my room some more. ~_~ Hope that was entertaining. =)

Date: 2003-08-08 03:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] time-guardian.livejournal.com
when mike and i took our flight back to san jose from las vegas, the attendents said "if you have any questions, please wait till after the plane has landed and we have left."

Date: 2003-08-09 01:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] psyjoe-dilandau.livejournal.com
If you've seen Fight Club, then you know MY favorite flight attendant joke! I think I've seen some of those -Ism things in some form or another. The communist ones in particular, Oy! Funny cause it's true.

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