Some stupid power
Aug. 1st, 2003 07:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteI don't know how she does it, but my stupid Mom always manages to make me feel lousy before I ever go anywhere-- out with my friends, to sleep, ANYWHERE! It's impossible, because she always brings up the same shit about responsibility and bills- I KNOW she's holding the weight in the family, I know she's doing everything she can so that we can have what we want-- the computer, the games, the Internet, the cell phone-- I'm not stupid! But with all this ridiculousness, I lost having a mom, and in her place is this nagging, guilt-tripping woman who rarely seems to spend any time with me at all! Not even talking or whatever-- and I'm always doing one thing or another wrong. It's not like I'm not trying to earn my keep-- I'm not some spoiled brat! I do the dishes, wash the sink, clean the bathrub, clean the trashcans, take the trash out! But if the counter has ANY macaroni powder on it, if there's sugar or noodles underneath the Microwave, it's bad, it's wrong, I have to suffer and be punished for it!
Week ago, it was her spending more time at Gary's house than here. I hate it when she has boyfriends, mainly because I hated her last boyfriend, but whatever, it's not my deal anymore, that makes me a hypocrite. After all the shit we've been through in our lives, Mom deserves a break, deserves happiness, but I don't want to end up like her. She's a cynic now, cynic who goes and gets high for no reason in her own damn bedroom, yells at me for idiotic things, keeps even more stupid things we don't need, and while bitching to me about being more thrifty, goes and buys herself $95 Nine West Shoes! So maybe it's been a while since she's done that, but after all, when was the last time we ever did anything that NORMAL moms and daughters do, when did she ever ask me about how I was doing, HONESTLY, and care?
I hate this. I hate this. I want to be out, I want a job, I want to stop the depression that everyone seems to have like a sickening disease lately. I want to stop the infinite pains sliding up and down my spine, making my left arm nearly useless. I hate sitting like this in the middle of the morning, having no life because I'm "between schools." I was supposed to apply to SFSU this morning, but stupid CCSF hasn't gotten my grade yet, and I'm too paranoid to put what I think it is-- or what it should be. Too smart to put "Pass" either.
HYD has offered me a slight sanctuary from the madness though, I've been giggling my way through summaries and fanfiction. Great series, now if only I had copies upon copies of it so I could curl up in the living room, just me, a blanket, and a cup of hot cocoa, crying my eyes out over the fact that I should be an anime character and not real, because then after 52 episodes, simplicity would follow. Somehow. What a strange otaku thought.
I think I need sleep now.
Week ago, it was her spending more time at Gary's house than here. I hate it when she has boyfriends, mainly because I hated her last boyfriend, but whatever, it's not my deal anymore, that makes me a hypocrite. After all the shit we've been through in our lives, Mom deserves a break, deserves happiness, but I don't want to end up like her. She's a cynic now, cynic who goes and gets high for no reason in her own damn bedroom, yells at me for idiotic things, keeps even more stupid things we don't need, and while bitching to me about being more thrifty, goes and buys herself $95 Nine West Shoes! So maybe it's been a while since she's done that, but after all, when was the last time we ever did anything that NORMAL moms and daughters do, when did she ever ask me about how I was doing, HONESTLY, and care?
I hate this. I hate this. I want to be out, I want a job, I want to stop the depression that everyone seems to have like a sickening disease lately. I want to stop the infinite pains sliding up and down my spine, making my left arm nearly useless. I hate sitting like this in the middle of the morning, having no life because I'm "between schools." I was supposed to apply to SFSU this morning, but stupid CCSF hasn't gotten my grade yet, and I'm too paranoid to put what I think it is-- or what it should be. Too smart to put "Pass" either.
HYD has offered me a slight sanctuary from the madness though, I've been giggling my way through summaries and fanfiction. Great series, now if only I had copies upon copies of it so I could curl up in the living room, just me, a blanket, and a cup of hot cocoa, crying my eyes out over the fact that I should be an anime character and not real, because then after 52 episodes, simplicity would follow. Somehow. What a strange otaku thought.
I think I need sleep now.
