azurite | Life is...

Sorry Gump, but Life is not like a box of chocolates, where you never know what you're going to get. With a box of chocolates, you can look on the damn underside or the insert slip to know what you're going to get. Besides, no one wants chocolates that might have poisonous nuts or something in them-- so read the ingredients! In life though, there is no list of ingredients, no handy dandy "guide of what to expect." So if anything, life is like a bag of Halloween candy-- sometimes it's sweet, sometimes it's rocky. Somtimes it gets old and stale, and every once in a while you might find something rare and amazing. As long as you don't try to do too much at once, or get upset over what you DON'T have... at least you walked away with something.

Life is like a hurricane.
Blame it on global warming.

Life is like an RPG.
There will be boring parts. There will be times when I'm walking through the forest, feeling frustrated, lost, and alone. There will be moments of random, and moments where everything feels like a battle. But I'll get my rewards --in sometime, in some form, someday.

Life is like a baking recipe.
You have to invest real time and the "proper" ingredients to get a semi-decent result. Even if you take liberties with what you put in, or don't follow someone else's guide, you know there's a certain way of doing certain things, or else you'll end up with flambé.

Life can make you feel like a puppet.
Sometimes you wonder who's pulling the strings. You don't feel in control, or maybe you know you're not, but you keep moving anyway. What makes the difference: trying to move, whether you're attempting to break free or not, or trying to be in control, even if there ARE things outside your control-- strings you can't break? Are you being manipulated or weak when you just "let things work out as they will," or is trying to influence things to your will just futilely resisting against a larger force? Is it better to be the lone rock or the wide ocean? How do you stay strong, stay true to yourself and your hopes and desires without having expectations, of yourself or of others? What is the middle ground between letting things work out as they will and doing what you want and making your own destiny?

Life is like a fanfiction.
There are plenty of characters, lots of drama, but I will always write my own ending.

What is life like? Make some more comparisons with explanations. I'm curious to see what others think.

For the record, I'm taking baby steps. I think if I try to do anything rash and sudden, it'll just bite me back in the end. But maybe those things that I keep second-guessing and doubting myself on-- if I should do them or not-- I should just give in and do, because the longer I spend doubting, the less likely I'll do anything-- and like I said before, I'm tired of being a doormat. And it's funny, because I would never think of myself as one, but... maybe I am, moreso than I thought.

Steps so far:
-Listen to less mushy, romantic music, more Kelly Clarkson (Since U Been Gone, etc.)
-Took the Star Wars poster book I bought for him, the pants he left here, his TEFL English book... and eventually his board shorts and anything else I find and send them back to him. Or something.
-Took off the "Love U! <3 Scott" note he gave me ages ago, put it in my bag of "to-scrapbook" memories.
-Emailed him about wtf he kept asking us to "hang onto" that book for "just a while longer." Maybe he'll respond, though I tried not to be rude or anything about it.
-Changed my desktop so "we" are no longer on it. Why torture myself with the past?
-Will probably take off this necklace he gave me, even if I don't often associate it with him. Whatever helps.

I hate being in places that are just saturated with memories of me and Scott, but I can't help it-- that's everywhere, almost everyone, and everything. I shouldn't try and run away from them, fake my death-- that doesn't solve anything. Facing life's challenges head-on, even when the odds are against me is what has made me strong over the years-- and I *am* strong, not weak, not manipulated, not a total doormat who never thinks for myself, and puts others before me to the point where I never speak my mind.

I don't want to delude myself into thinking there is a definite chance --for a future relationship, for marriage, for even meeting each other again. The possibility of it is there, but so is the opposite possibility.

"If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, it is yours to keep. If not, it was never yours to begin with." But humans aren't pets or belongings. In the words of Princess Jasmine, "I am not a prize to be won!" And I wouldn't want to be, either. Nor would I want to treat someone like one. And I wonder if I have been, or if I've been being immature while thinking of myself as so grown up.

I wonder how to start rethinking "life" so I can live "for me" and so I can accept the things beyond my control. I think I exhaust myself with all the force and energy I put into 'writing my own story' and 'making my own destiny' and things like that. Whatever happened to "live and let live," or "let bygones be bygones" and all that? I must be the one who keeps ramming her head against a brick wall in the hopes of one day knocking it down. I'm not the ocean, which is strong and true and patient-- the ocean erodes even the strongest of rocks eventually. I'm just an idiot.

But I don't want to be self-deprecating. I don't know what I want to be anymore, or if wanting anything is even worth my time and energy. If "letting things happen" is relinquishing control, then why try and maintain a loose grip on the reins? Why not just let them go completely? I remember learning to swim, and really liking that feeling of floating, once I got the hang of it.

I want to float now. Too bad I don't have a pool.