35% and I'm not tired
May. 27th, 2003 01:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteI don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight. Or getting all that much done, at least in the hours foreseeable. Already did some dishes while listening to Chicago OST, got quickly bored of both. I'm in the mood for a pick-me-up, something assured to make me smile. None of my friends are here right now that have that incredible ability to do that, so... I'm stuck with browsing through my old webpages, and trying to find others.
The results:
* The Dialectizer - http://rinkworks.com/dialect/
For the hell of it, I dialectized NBoR into Redneck. Here are the results.
*giggles* For those to lazy to click:
Noos
Read about th' latess happenin's of our fo'um! Fry mah hide! (Topics kin be posted by Mods/Admins ONLY! Fry mah hide!)
Intryduckshuns
Noo t'th' fo'ums? Intrydooce yo'seff hyar! Fry mah hide!
Suggesshun Box
Enny suggesshuns? Post them hyar an' we'll see whut we kin does.
*laughs* What's even better is that there's other dialects, like Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, Pig Latin, Hacker or Moron. o_O I wonder if the Hacker one will translate the entire page into l33t sp34k?
* How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?
I saw a T-shirt for the various nationalities of the world, and, while at least somewhat racist, it was damned funny. They do it for jobs and everythig else too. Check them out. The first several are kinda complex and political, but as you get down the list, they start simplifying and becoming fun(ner).
Read:
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
* Jive Talkin' - http://ccwf.cc.utexas.edu/~eclectic/toys/jive.html
I read this hilarious fanfic called "Inuyasha learns to Jive" in which a magical book caused Inuyasha (and several others, later on) to be able to speak nothing but jive! (Jive is the closest thing you can call "ghetto speak") You type in any phrase, and it ghetto-fies it-- or translates it into Jive. It's not meant to insult Black English, or Ebonics, but it's still funny. Here, I take a part of my last entry...
I've pretty much demolished dis tiny-ass bowlin'-pin shaped stress ball mom gave me, which be kinda sad. I is tru-ly into bowlin', an' I shoulda kept it into one piece, but I serious-like plum to' it apart. Right on! Now all dat's left be dis tiny-ass chunk o' da damn middle. Dair be still da ball, but I duzn't wanna mess D-A-fuckin'-T down too. I've plum been tryin' t' channel all mah stress into da funky foam, but it 24/7 seems t' come right back an' concentrate in mah shoulderblades an' fingertips.
Hahah, can you imagine if I'd actually typed like that!? I bet for once it'd have gotten some people's attention, and they just might start COMMENTING ON MY DAMNED JOURNAL! *harumph*
* Internet Bumper Stickers - http://www.internetbumperstickers.com/admon.html
I used to be on this nutso rampage for this one quotes site I remembered... this isn't it, but it's pretty damn close. It gives you cute examples of fonts too, though I personally think FontGarden.com does that better.
Examples:
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. *snicker*
Let the sermon finish before you cook the missionary.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow Sorrow knows how to swim (Good Advice)
Remember: Pillage, then burn!
* The BurnMaker (no, not the Burninator, but it's close enough! ^.~) - http://toy.thespark.com/burn/
Ah yes, when you can't come up with those perfect insults, the burn-maker takes your innocent, well-behaved speech and turns it into evil firey flame spouted from the gorgons of hell. Ultra-coolness, especially when you're pissed off at someone online! ^_^
Example: (the same chunk of text from my last entry as before, burn-inized, and LJ-cut for the faint of heart)
I've incredibly much demolished this bullshit little bowling-pin shaped stress ball mom gave my stupid ass, which is kinda sad. I'm really into bowling, and I shoulda kept that bastard into one piece, but I seriously just tore that piece of shit apart. Now all that's left is this bullshit little chunk of the fucking middle. There's still the fucking ball, but I don't want to fuckin' mess THAT up too. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put my tonsils and your thighs together. I've just been trying to fuckin' channel all my lame stress into the fucking smelly foam, but that piece of shit always seems to come right back and concentrate in my fucking shoulderblades and fingertips.
*snicker* Ah, that made me come off as a lot more angry than I think (keyword being "THINK") I realy was at the time. Come to think of it, I know someone who could make great use of this right about now...
...the download's at 46% now. The water should have heated back up again, so maybe I'll take a shower. Uh... later.
Ouch. Okay, so not ALL TheSpark.com's toys are fun/accurate:
What's up frigidaire? You are 32% pickup-able! You're cold and unapproachable, like a big glacier that's unapproachable. And cold. Unlike the Arctic tundra, few even venture to plant their flag in you. You're definitely not a Scorpio, unless you were born between October 23 and November 21. The bad news is that you'll end up miserable and alone, probably knitting doilies out of cat hair. The good news is that this is apparently what you want. Honestly, I don't even feel comfortable talking to you right now, so I'm just gonna go… yeah… wash my friend's hair.
-people more pickup-able than you (82%)
-people just as pickup-able as you (2%)
-people less pickup-able than you (14%)
Am I really that bad? It was just that in the last section, all the pick-up lines were so stupid and dumb, I laughed AT the supposed speaker, as opposed to WITH them! Does that make heartless? Come on people, compare!
* Murphy's Law - http://dmawww.epfl.ch/roso.mosaic/dm/murphy.html
I love Murphy and he loves me. I quote several of his adages routinely, and hey, it scored me points with Cunningham that one day in ROTC (gawd, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss him, and were he around right now, I would flirt with him shamelessly) ... *cough* Anyway, check some of these out:
-The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. (YEAH!)
Sex has no calories. (FUN!)
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. (SO TRUE!)
There is no remedy for sex but more sex. (ALSO TRUE!)
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office. (...)
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. (HAHAHAHAH)
A man in the house is worth two in the street. (*snicker*)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. (*giggle*)
Virginity can be cured. (HERE HERE!)
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. (Too late)
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right. (W00t!)
It is always the wrong time of month. (ehehe... not ALWAYS, right?)
The best way to hold a man is in your arms. (AWW...)
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. (o_O...)
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. (Haha...)
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. (*snicker* Been there, done that)
The younger the better. (Oh... *about to call a name, refrains out of respect*)
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. (So true. It's better in the dark, people look sexier)
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. (Biblical reference, blah.)
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. (Ugh, how true)
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. (Uh...)
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. (Ehehee...)
Love is a hole in the heart. (True. That's why sex is-- ah, never mind)
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. (!!!)
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. (*sings* Let's get physical, physical!)
Do it only with the best. (I try)
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. (HAH!)
One good turn gets most of the blankets. (*poke* Aaaaaamberr...!)
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. (Math skills like w00t)
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. (YEAH!)
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. (CHEEZE!)
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. (*grin*)
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. (HEY!)
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. (Then...?)
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. (...damnit all for being TRUE!)
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. (YEAH!!!!! I want to ride my bicycle!)
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis. (I don't get it.)
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. (HAHAHA)
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. (Saw this on a keychain before, I'm SURE of it!)
Don't do it if you can't keep it up. (How many CAN?!)
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. (MUSH!)
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. (Yep, Murphy was a man alright)
"This won't hurt, I promise."
*To The YouKnowWhos:
A lot of these are quite meaningul and touching-- got them from various sites on the 'Net, so here are some of my favorites:
(http://moonlightmoon.homestead.com/4u.html CLICK ON FOR YOU >> QUOTES)
"Somebody somewhere is dreaming of your smile
And in your presence finds a life worth while.
When you are lonely remember this is true;
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you."
~Unknown
"If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now."
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
~James Dean
"...I think--the loneliest thing is to be alone with someone. I'd rather be by myself than be with someone who has no idea who I am."
~Nicole Burdette
Interesting Questions, and then some
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
"Sex is evil, evil is sin, sin is forgiven, so let's begin." <-- I love this quote, I'm sorry. When can I use it on you?
Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either <-- Ms. Archer had this posted up in her room. She pointed to it whenever we asked for help. You want to know why I hated her? DARE I SAY MORE!?
A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS:
1. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
2. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
3. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of then world nowadays.
4. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
5. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
6. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
7. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
8. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up if we leave it lying around long enough.
9. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
Haha.
God bless this country.
Only in America ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!
Only in America ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink!
Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!
Only in America ...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke!
Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!
Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless pieces of stuff in the garage!
Only in America ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!
Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight!
Only in America ...do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures"!
Ah... this is excessively long. But I hope I've kept YOU entertained as well. Now admit it-- how many of you didn't just scroll through this whole damn thing? *sniff* Well, glad to know you're interested in MY life... =} Comment anyway. I'm getting desperate. (59%!)
The results:
* The Dialectizer - http://rinkworks.com/dialect/
For the hell of it, I dialectized NBoR into Redneck. Here are the results.
*giggles* For those to lazy to click:
Noos
Read about th' latess happenin's of our fo'um! Fry mah hide! (Topics kin be posted by Mods/Admins ONLY! Fry mah hide!)
Intryduckshuns
Noo t'th' fo'ums? Intrydooce yo'seff hyar! Fry mah hide!
Suggesshun Box
Enny suggesshuns? Post them hyar an' we'll see whut we kin does.
*laughs* What's even better is that there's other dialects, like Jive, Cockney, Elmer Fudd, Swedish Chef, Pig Latin, Hacker or Moron. o_O I wonder if the Hacker one will translate the entire page into l33t sp34k?
* How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?
I saw a T-shirt for the various nationalities of the world, and, while at least somewhat racist, it was damned funny. They do it for jobs and everythig else too. Check them out. The first several are kinda complex and political, but as you get down the list, they start simplifying and becoming fun(ner).
Read:
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
* Jive Talkin' - http://ccwf.cc.utexas.edu/~eclectic/toys/jive.html
I read this hilarious fanfic called "Inuyasha learns to Jive" in which a magical book caused Inuyasha (and several others, later on) to be able to speak nothing but jive! (Jive is the closest thing you can call "ghetto speak") You type in any phrase, and it ghetto-fies it-- or translates it into Jive. It's not meant to insult Black English, or Ebonics, but it's still funny. Here, I take a part of my last entry...
I've pretty much demolished dis tiny-ass bowlin'-pin shaped stress ball mom gave me, which be kinda sad. I is tru-ly into bowlin', an' I shoulda kept it into one piece, but I serious-like plum to' it apart. Right on! Now all dat's left be dis tiny-ass chunk o' da damn middle. Dair be still da ball, but I duzn't wanna mess D-A-fuckin'-T down too. I've plum been tryin' t' channel all mah stress into da funky foam, but it 24/7 seems t' come right back an' concentrate in mah shoulderblades an' fingertips.
Hahah, can you imagine if I'd actually typed like that!? I bet for once it'd have gotten some people's attention, and they just might start COMMENTING ON MY DAMNED JOURNAL! *harumph*
* Internet Bumper Stickers - http://www.internetbumperstickers.com/admon.html
I used to be on this nutso rampage for this one quotes site I remembered... this isn't it, but it's pretty damn close. It gives you cute examples of fonts too, though I personally think FontGarden.com does that better.
Examples:
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. *snicker*
Let the sermon finish before you cook the missionary.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow Sorrow knows how to swim (Good Advice)
Remember: Pillage, then burn!
* The BurnMaker (no, not the Burninator, but it's close enough! ^.~) - http://toy.thespark.com/burn/
Ah yes, when you can't come up with those perfect insults, the burn-maker takes your innocent, well-behaved speech and turns it into evil firey flame spouted from the gorgons of hell. Ultra-coolness, especially when you're pissed off at someone online! ^_^
Example: (the same chunk of text from my last entry as before, burn-inized, and LJ-cut for the faint of heart)
I've incredibly much demolished this bullshit little bowling-pin shaped stress ball mom gave my stupid ass, which is kinda sad. I'm really into bowling, and I shoulda kept that bastard into one piece, but I seriously just tore that piece of shit apart. Now all that's left is this bullshit little chunk of the fucking middle. There's still the fucking ball, but I don't want to fuckin' mess THAT up too. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put my tonsils and your thighs together. I've just been trying to fuckin' channel all my lame stress into the fucking smelly foam, but that piece of shit always seems to come right back and concentrate in my fucking shoulderblades and fingertips.
*snicker* Ah, that made me come off as a lot more angry than I think (keyword being "THINK") I realy was at the time. Come to think of it, I know someone who could make great use of this right about now...
...the download's at 46% now. The water should have heated back up again, so maybe I'll take a shower. Uh... later.
Ouch. Okay, so not ALL TheSpark.com's toys are fun/accurate:
What's up frigidaire? You are 32% pickup-able! You're cold and unapproachable, like a big glacier that's unapproachable. And cold. Unlike the Arctic tundra, few even venture to plant their flag in you. You're definitely not a Scorpio, unless you were born between October 23 and November 21. The bad news is that you'll end up miserable and alone, probably knitting doilies out of cat hair. The good news is that this is apparently what you want. Honestly, I don't even feel comfortable talking to you right now, so I'm just gonna go… yeah… wash my friend's hair.
-people more pickup-able than you (82%)
-people just as pickup-able as you (2%)
-people less pickup-able than you (14%)
Am I really that bad? It was just that in the last section, all the pick-up lines were so stupid and dumb, I laughed AT the supposed speaker, as opposed to WITH them! Does that make heartless? Come on people, compare!
* Murphy's Law - http://dmawww.epfl.ch/roso.mosaic/dm/murphy.html
I love Murphy and he loves me. I quote several of his adages routinely, and hey, it scored me points with Cunningham that one day in ROTC (gawd, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss him, and were he around right now, I would flirt with him shamelessly) ... *cough* Anyway, check some of these out:
-The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. (YEAH!)
Sex has no calories. (FUN!)
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. (SO TRUE!)
There is no remedy for sex but more sex. (ALSO TRUE!)
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office. (...)
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. (HAHAHAHAH)
A man in the house is worth two in the street. (*snicker*)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. (*giggle*)
Virginity can be cured. (HERE HERE!)
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. (Too late)
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right. (W00t!)
It is always the wrong time of month. (ehehe... not ALWAYS, right?)
The best way to hold a man is in your arms. (AWW...)
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. (o_O...)
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. (Haha...)
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. (*snicker* Been there, done that)
The younger the better. (Oh... *about to call a name, refrains out of respect*)
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. (So true. It's better in the dark, people look sexier)
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. (Biblical reference, blah.)
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. (Ugh, how true)
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. (Uh...)
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. (Ehehee...)
Love is a hole in the heart. (True. That's why sex is-- ah, never mind)
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. (!!!)
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. (*sings* Let's get physical, physical!)
Do it only with the best. (I try)
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. (HAH!)
One good turn gets most of the blankets. (*poke* Aaaaaamberr...!)
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. (Math skills like w00t)
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. (YEAH!)
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. (CHEEZE!)
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. (*grin*)
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. (HEY!)
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. (Then...?)
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. (...damnit all for being TRUE!)
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. (YEAH!!!!! I want to ride my bicycle!)
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis. (I don't get it.)
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. (HAHAHA)
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. (Saw this on a keychain before, I'm SURE of it!)
Don't do it if you can't keep it up. (How many CAN?!)
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. (MUSH!)
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. (Yep, Murphy was a man alright)
"This won't hurt, I promise."
*To The YouKnowWhos:
A lot of these are quite meaningul and touching-- got them from various sites on the 'Net, so here are some of my favorites:
(http://moonlightmoon.homestead.com/4u.html CLICK ON FOR YOU >> QUOTES)
"Somebody somewhere is dreaming of your smile
And in your presence finds a life worth while.
When you are lonely remember this is true;
Somebody somewhere is thinking of you."
~Unknown
"If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now."
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
~James Dean
"...I think--the loneliest thing is to be alone with someone. I'd rather be by myself than be with someone who has no idea who I am."
~Nicole Burdette
Interesting Questions, and then some
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
"Sex is evil, evil is sin, sin is forgiven, so let's begin." <-- I love this quote, I'm sorry. When can I use it on you?
Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either <-- Ms. Archer had this posted up in her room. She pointed to it whenever we asked for help. You want to know why I hated her? DARE I SAY MORE!?
A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS:
1. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
2. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
3. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of then world nowadays.
4. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
5. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
6. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
7. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
8. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up if we leave it lying around long enough.
9. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
Haha.
God bless this country.
Only in America ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!
Only in America ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink!
Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!
Only in America ...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke!
Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!
Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless pieces of stuff in the garage!
Only in America ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!
Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight!
Only in America ...do we use the word "Politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures"!
Ah... this is excessively long. But I hope I've kept YOU entertained as well. Now admit it-- how many of you didn't just scroll through this whole damn thing? *sniff* Well, glad to know you're interested in MY life... =} Comment anyway. I'm getting desperate. (59%!)
