I'm too nice for my own good

[azurite]

Ah, so work just called in and asked me to come in early, because of "an incident with a team member," whatever that means. So if I work at least 6 hours (from 6ish to midnight) I'll get a 30, which is always nice... mmm, bagel on the way there, maybe? I can still skim 5 and a half hours and be satisfied. I'm trying not to cause too much guff, in case baka "A" our new acting-GM and scheduler, forgot I requested next week off for San Francisco. I will raise hell if she did forget. ^_^

My new obsession: xxxHolic. Whee, Yuko is so... Yuko! I love Yuko. So I want all these xxxHolic layouts, but they seem to be either very rare or just... eugh, not very good looking. So if I tried to make one of my own (ulp) I would want some good scans to work with, but I can't find any of those, either!

Uhm, re: me & Scott, in case you were wondering... we had another long "talk" yesterday, and I got around to telling him how much it hurts that we keep getting into disagreements or whatever (he keeps hurting my feelings) and though we make agreements to change, we never do. He almost sounded like he thought I was listing out all these horrible things about him-- really, it's just the one thing: that he doesn't spend time with me. If he did, maybe when he occasionally says something without thinking, it wouldn't bother me. Maybe he could once again be in tune with my thoughts, and not be so insensitive. Because really, what it all ties down to is that this time of year (I hate summer, in case you didn't know) I need someone... and Scott "wants to be alone," which pisses me off to no end, because all he's BEEN is alone. I feel like he's been ignoring me, despite all the effort and overtures I make, and I'm on the verge of giving up on "us" even though I know that's not what I really want. I wish Scott would put more effort forth, but... *shrug* I mean, until his school ends, I don't know.

I'm hoping that we'll have more time together after he's done with SMC, and that he might even MISS me while I'm in SF. Who knows? I treated him to dinner last night, anyway, and got myself Hot Gimmick 9 (need to return it; the security strip caused a RIP in the pages!) and xxxHolic 2 (had to resist buying Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles ~5, and xxxHolic ~5). I want the Clamp no Kiseki sets, but they're so expensive! Isn't it just possible to get the artbooks by themselves? Is there an xxxHolic artbook out yet? These things I will have to look into, once I'm back "home" (in Japantown! Bwahah!). I also got Shoujo Beat 1.

Anyway, off to work.

Comments

Re: I'm too nice for my own good

[crpsaiyan.livejournal.com]

You know, Mer? I think your LJ title describes your post completely. You are too nice. If he's not willing to compromise his time with you or anything, maybe you're better off. You said it yourself. You have already talked to him, he agreed to your comments, yet, he hasn't lived up to it. No, something's not right here. I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my friend Victoria a few months agp. I'm gonna ask you not to equivocate. Now, what do you think of your relationship with Scott in ten words or less? I think you'll get a pretty good idea of what you should do once you answer this question.

Re: I'm too nice for my own good

[katiat325.livejournal.com]

Oh, finally, someone else besides me says it to her too!!! Thank you!...and Mer, like I've said before, you HAVE changed for him, but he didn't do it for you...

Re: I'm too nice for my own good

[crpsaiyan.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's not right. Mer, you shouldn't have changed for him. If you're going to change, do it to satisfy you, not him. My mother always told me, "you need to take care of yourself before you do anything for someone else." No, really; you are your first priority over anyone you know, and don't ever forget it. :)

Re: I'm too nice for my own good

[azurite]

One of the things I've learned the hard way is that change is a good thing-- but as there are exceptions for everything, there is an exception to this. Like you said, change for yourself, not to please others. I try to do that, to consider myself and my feelings and my future first. Not everyone who gives me advice or points out "flaws" of mine is right. For the most part though, I don't regret how I've changed "for" Scott, because I see myself as a more tolerant, patient person than I ever was. And I'm not emotionally unstable and freaking out-- though the change I made isn't necessarily a good one (now when I'm upset, I get very quiet and don't talk to anyone).

It's hard for me to get into the mindset that "Mer comes first," because no matter what people say about me loving power and prestige, what matters most to me in the whole world are family and friends. Scott falls inbetween those two categories, as I've come to regard him as close as family, but someone I can relate to, like a friend. I always put other people in those categories ahead of me when I see fit to (which is most of the time), and I don't like being considered TOO selfish by only thinking of myself. It really wounded my pride when Scott said that the race between me and his career (supposedly, anyway-- his "dream" of going to Japan to teach English, get out of the States) was decided, and I didn't win. I wanted to accept that I couldn't and shouldn't stand in the way of what he'd wanted for so long, but I couldn't understand why Scott thought of things in such a one-track way. I see myself as someday following the same route (going abroad to teach), but I don't plan on sacrificing love for it, pretending that any relationships I've had or have simply cease to exist. Not that I'm fond of the long distance thing, but the way he keeps talking about the future like that, it's like he's put an expiration date on our relationship. I would like to believe that I could either go with him (and go to university in Japan) or wait for him, but he just can't seem to see it... that hurts, too.

Re: I'm too nice for my own good

[azurite]

Ten words-- does it have to be a complete sentence? Because if we were just doing word association, then...
frustrating, heartwarming, memorable, powerful, occasionally passionate, tough, unknown, inspiring, strange.

Those are honest-- at times, it's very frustrating and tough to stay in the relationship considering everything (that makes it sound like a lot, but I do rush to his defense and say it's not many little things, it's one BIG thing that pushes me away from him) I put up with. But other times, like today, I just remember this amazing moments that make me smile and blush. When Scott agreed to move out, we were hoping to recapture some of the moments we had when we were dating, and when we didn't spend "so much time" with each other (that is, living together; I find it ironic that all I want is time to spend with him, and despite his living here, I can't get much of it). But it's hard to find a place...

Well, at the moment, we're on good terms. And he says he still loves me, the one thing I can't ask of him is to change into someone who's very open with their feelings, to the point he sounds like some angsty, fluff-driven hero from a chick flick. And it's wrong of me to wish myself into bad situations just to see how he'd react. So... I'm stuck waiting. I'm not going to be the one making any moves anymore... and hopefully a week away from him will do us both some good.

On a lighter, unrelated note, will I see you when I come to SF, or are you gonna be swamped with work?

[mklutz]

Send me your addy ( moonklutz at gmail dot com )! The package is ready, so I just have to go in, get an estimate on shipping it and tell you a final number, k?