*sigh*-yonara...
Jan. 26th, 2003 03:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteWell, this weekend sucked again. "Weekends only suck if you let them suck" sounds like something my mom would say if I told her the truth... but I don't want to tell her, I don't believe what she says, and she always acts nicer around me when I'm pretending I'm genki anyway. She probably has her usual mom-inkling that I'm lying through my teeth about "just wanting to come home early" but she's doing the right thing by not pestering me about it.
Don't get me wrong, Friday was pretty good... I think. O_o I'm so messed up I don't even know anymore. I'm in another one of those moods where I wish I had something or someone to get drunk with. Unfortunately, Mike's across the damn country. =P Ah well. So Friday I met up with Grace to go with her to get her stuff... I didn't say that before in case Will would read my LJ and then just drop the whole thing altogether-- which would be very stupid, since they both had stuff of each other's. That and I was worried about the both of them, but I can never TELL them that I'm worried, can I? Yeesh. I suck at this "older sister" thing.
Well Grace never called me after I got out of school -at least not to help her move- so I ended up taking my sweet (don't laugh) time in the shower and getting ready. I atcually managed to get my contacts in under 5 minutes, and for once I didn't drop either of them on the floor or anything. Still, that little mirror that mom got me to help me with putting them in is totally burnt out now. *sigh* How cheap. We were very nearly late, too, since we walked all the way to Park Presidio after dropping off cash at Blockbuster like Mom asked me to. We were only a block away from Walgreen's, and I coulda picked up my photos then, but Grace was kinda in a rush, and I found out that she couldn't get her stuff from Akito's and was not looking forward to seeing Will, given that he was threatening to leave early if she didn't show within the half-hour.
Well we managed to make it, regardless of the time, since Will was at the 38 Geary bus-stop on Van Ness when we got there. He looked kinda out of it, sulking or something, but since Grace was in front of me and there were crowds streaming around us. So Grace said something to him to get his attention, I waved from behind her, and they exchanged goods. I thought that Will would be pretty damn mad at me-- the whole idea of me just "meeting Grace on the bus" seemed pretty flippant, since I'm usually late to RTA, and I *had* been talking to Grace the past few days. Well, Grace decided (on the bus) that she was going to come with us to RTA, and she wouldn't be uncomfortable if *I* was there. (guilt!) This made things even more awkward walking to the 47 stop, since Will distanced himself, and I was torn between who to talk to or hang around, when I really wanted it to be both.
Will bought a rose for Amber at the 47 stop from one of those weird lisping homeless guys, which I thought was sweet, but seemed to sting Grace-- she said that Will, in all his sweetness, never bought HER a rose. Oh well, it's not really my place to comment, just to recollect. Earlier, she'd been taking all of Will's notes to her and stuffing them in various places in the things she wad giving back to him-- including in the manual of his Kingdom Hearts game. We both noticed that Will's writing got continually smaller as time wore on. @_o In any case, I thought it was kind of vicious of her, but after reading one of the letters and looking at the situation now, maybe Grace felt the same way I did... so I didn't stop her. You can't really "stop" anyone from being mad or heartbroken about that kind of thing anyway...
On the 47, Will sat on the opposite end of the back row of seats... Grace and I were semi-snuggled up on the other end, and the whole atmosphere was just plain depressing. We finally got to the last stop, where we get off to go to RTA, and had he been an Olympic track runner, Will couldn't have been more eager to dash off that bus and get the hell away from us. I wasn't in the mood much for running, though I admittedly did try at first, but I didn't want to leave Grace behind, so we just let Will get ahead of us. We finally caught up at the end of the block across the street from the pier, and I was even more paranoid that Will was mad at me, but he said he wasn't. Feh, maybe he's too nice a guy to just say so. Somehow I think I would have been happier if he had been mad at me.
Amazingly enough, the arcade wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be. EX looked cool and all, since the RTA tech had replaced the front MAX 2 cabinet's marquee with the EX one (unlike all the Golflands) and even the arrows on the pads. ^_^ Jeremy had made these cool ass cards for us that were made from photo paper or some such, with DDREx designs on them and our NBoR name under our real ones. 'Twas pretty cool, even if the card line was phoenomenally long. @_o Sticking around and saying hi or hanging out with everyone was difficult-- and despite EX being there, it wasn't a real Bemani Night, so some people probably didn't have quite the incentive to come. Still, most people showed up... Richie, even Vince, Cris, Jimmy, and Joe. Blech, seeing him made me sad again, since he didn't say a word to me. Never does, probably never will. And with the mood I'm in, I'll never give him the chance.
All in all, I ended up breaking my "promise" to Grace to stay with her (I never actually promised, hence the quotes, but when I tell someone something, I intend to mean it-- keep it) and I felt bad about that... people kept leaving early, going separate ways... Francisco (who cut his hair! It looked good, but it was just weird seeing him with short hair) and Fred had left to go to In-N-Out and never came back... Reggie and Dez were late, and since we had some sort of half-asses plan to see the 12:30 show of "Darkness Falls" at the 1000, they couldn't stick around... I don't really know what ended up happening to the motley group consisting of Sean, Grace, and probably a few others who decided they were hungry and didn't want to come with us (me, Amber, and Will) to In-N-Out. Sean had been getting on my nerves all night anyway, and he made it worse by saying I looked stupid while shadowing Alyson (sp?) at the MAX 2 machine in the back. I was so tempted to just kick his bony little ass from here to Osaka, but thankfully I didn't. Pet meself on the back for that one, I did.
Amber was feeling pretty sick at In-N-Out-- she really pushed herself by coming out that night, I think. We both got #2s, but I couldn't finish my fries. =P So when we finally left, we'd decided not to go see the movie after all, and instead stay over at my house (something we sorta came up with at RTA as it was closing). Mom was fine with it, so long as I did the dishes, etc. We ended up taking the 47 from In-N-Out, and it took longer than usual because one of the 47s on its way to the stop suddenly decided to not *be* a 47 anymore, and rounded the corner right before the stop. O.o
So we stayed at my house, and both Will and Amber helped with my chores... which was nice. I never like having people do my stuff for me, like it's some kind of requirement to stay at my house, but at least they offerred, which is polite. Plus my fingers are still kinda smarting from that cheese grater slicing off my skin, so whenever they're under hot water, it hurts. >_< We all stayed in the living room again, and this time I promised myself that I wouldn't just up and leave in the middle of the night to sleep in my room. I was trying to convince myself that I was okay with Will and Amber being together, even though the whole idea made me feel pretty damn lonely. It still does, and I guess that's why I'm here-- at home.
I ended up being pretty tired even though we stayed up late... and once again, it was like I'd been left out of something because Amber and Will ended up staying up late. I hate that... not them talking, but me just falling asleep. We had some sort of plan to stay at Amber's the next day (Saturday night to Sunday morning) so staying here at my house was just sort of a stop-over. In the morning, I made pancakes, and taught Will to do the same-- which was pretty cool, in its own right, since the second batch ended up being entirely Will's concotion. Amber had woken up earlier because of her sore throat and cough, and my mom made her some tea. ^_^ So hopefully she was feeling better. But it was getting later and later in the afternoon, so we arranged for Amber's mom to pick us up... after we'd played some Star Ocean (yeah, finally got the Bandit's Glove's! w00t! Now I gotta battle and build up skill points for Courage and Poker Face!) and Mario... Will REALLY wanted to go to Japantown, so after I got my photos at Walgreen's (after which I realized I was broke and therefore couldn't afford to get my "lost" manga, Peach Girl 14, at Japantown, nor a crepe or movies at Blockbuster in place of not seeing "Darkness Falls") we headed over there... Will was nice enough to get me my manga, a crepe for himself, and Amber shared her mixed fruits crepe with me and bought a crepe for her mom too.
Well, so we got to Amber's house and ended up messing with her guitar and computer... Will was happy to see the cat (Miss Kitty?) and everything... haha, I suppose it was kind of fun to see Will's "darker side" as we browsed the 'Net for some good hentai (we ended up watching some stuff from Amber's brother's collection -meager, at best- and about 8 minutes of Bible Black episode 3) but it all ended up making me pretty uncomfortable in the long run-- Amber and Will had each other to work their kinkiness off on, and I didn't have anyone. -.-; Amber's brother later left with his girlfriend, so that left the three of us ALL ALONE in the house.
This was when I felt like the third wheel that made the cart collapse. It seemed like a perfect opportunity for Will and Amber, and here I was ruining the mood. Or at least, I thought I was-- at first. They didn't seem to have any qualms about hugging or kissing or anything in front of me, despite last weekend and what I ended up finding out about it and all. See, I keep thinking I don't have any right to tell them they can't or shouldn't be close in front of me, just because it makes me uncomfortable. That's like telling the Queen of England not to have British accent in front of me because it "makes me feel funny." It's bullshit, so I didn't say anything, even though I would have rather sledgehammered myself in the head. When we finally retired to the "sleeping area" to watch Lilo and Stitch, they were back to cuddling again. Amazingly, the movie didn't make me cry like it did the first time, which I guess is a good thing, since I ended up saving all those tears for later on.
They had absolutely no qualms about acting like lovers in front of me. I told Amber I didn't mind, and she said I probably did-- and so yeah, she was right and she knew it, but I still told her I had no right to tell them not to be that way. People told Romeo and Juliet they couldn't be together, and look what happened to them. *sigh* In any case, I ended up going to the computer and just staring at the KazAa downloads, the cat being the only one who kept me company. I ended up crying a lot that night, pretty quietly-- I'm not one of those sob-stories that bawls and everything. I hate crying, because I see it as a weakness, and it never gets anyone anywhere. It's so easy to decieve people with tears, and I'm not a liar.
Amber finally got up and wanted to talk to me-- she didn't seem surprised that I was just sitting there crying on the cat. She wanted me to come into her room to talk, which we did-- about a lot of stuff. We ended up laughing over weird stuff and making some sort of promise to let her dye my hair the next day. I wanted to do it too-- lately I've been all about changing myself. But nothing ever seems to work. Will was asleep by the time we came out, so we just went to our respective positions beside him and fell asleep. Or at least, I did. I never seem to know anything about my own "friends" anymore. When I woke up next, it was just after 7:00a, and Will and Amber were both gone-- they were eating in the kitchen and talking. They weren't talking about anything serious, anything of real gossip importance... they were just being themselves, being lovers and all that.
The thing that really got to me earlier in the morning was how natural they seemed. "Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship never." I wanted to be the one to prove that wrong with Joe, and stay friends with him, but we never were able to. I wish I could place blame entirely on him, but it's not like I've made an extensive effort to talk to him after he's starting ignoring me. After I IMd him on Windows Messenger, he probably signed off of it entirely or something, blocked me from his AIM, and doubtless never wants me to email him. What would I say, anyway? It doesn't matter... I can't trust anyone anymore. I did once, and it ended up breaking me, and here I up and did it again, and it's landed me even deeper in depression. I'm sick of this. I hate being jealous of my own friends, I hate lying to them about being happy for them all the time, and I hate feeling this cold emptiness inside that I think is real loneliness. I don't have any real friends -- no one I can turn to about this kind of thing. I've been thinking a lot about my sister lately and wishing she were here. It all sounds so suicidal, doesn't it? I almost did it this morning, too-- killed myself, that is. But the thought occurred to me that I'd never want to be anyone's hassle leaving, so why would I go and do something as selfish as kill myself in Anber's own home. Elch, it's all such an ugly thought anyway, and I don't think I'd ever have the guts to really do it.
But obviously it didn't matter what Amber had told me the night previous... or maybe my words got through to her more than I wanted them to. She was back wrapped up in Will's arms again, and I was so friggin' lonely and cold... once they fell asleep, I couldn't bring myself to stop staring at them. They were just this perfect ball of flesh and blankets and Amber's camo clothing, this mesh of everything I wanted but I couldn't get because I wasn't Amber, and I never could be. Poetic, eh? I finally got the thought in my mind that I needed to leave, that I couldn't stay. I didn't actually want to go through with it, and I was really hoping either of them would wake up and stop me. But no one did. Maybe they were that tired, or maybe they just didn't care, I don't know. I went, got dressed, got my stuff together, and just left.
Not even the cat was there to say goodbye.
Will didn't wake up when I pulled my jackets out from under him, and Amber didn't even stir when I stepped on her leg by accident. I left Will with FFT (which isn't really mine, I suppose, since Joe never bothers to talk to me to get his own stuff back) and let him hang onto the His and Her Circumstances DVD (since I don't have a DVD player and recently discovered that I have all the episodes on CD anyway, even if there's no extras and the subbing isn't as good). I didn't eat anything, didn't bother to check the muni site or mapquest for directions home. I figured that I could just wander, and I'd eventually end up home. If I got kidnapped or raped or killed, all the better, it'd save me the trouble of doing that (well, more the latter than the formers) myself. No one was even awake at 7:50 though. I left without a hitch-- no one stopped me. The gate slammed pretty loud too, but they just slept right through it.
I was hoping they'd call as I was walking towards Mission, where the 14 stop was. They didn't. I got to the Metreon, and still no one called. I walked to Market, up to the 5 stop, and still nothing. The 5 came, and I went home. No one called on the bus. I got home, got into some more comfortable clothes, ate a waffle, and went to sleep. I woke up at 2:30, and checked my cell's messages. None. An hour later, no one's heard from them. They have to be awake now. Maybe they think by not saying anything to me, they're "respecting my decision to leave." Or maybe they really don't care, and all they can see is each other.
The "genki" music I listened to hasn't helped. Everything's just a blurry distraction now, and I have no motivation to be happy or to try and do anything. I'm not sure anymore if I want to do anything anymore, I just feel so listless, so hopeless with everything I try to do. I can't meet Taisuke anymore, because, as I told Amber, I wouldn't have the heart to go on a blind date with a guy who thinks I'm cute and sweet when I'm really just a depressing bitch who can't stop thinking about how jealous I am of my own best friend and her boyfriend. Ranting to people doesn't help anymore either, the problems don't go away. People just don't understand, or don't know how to bother to try. I'm not sure if I want to go next week. It's true that pretending I'm happy is easier in crowds... but then again, maybe that'll just make me even more fake. So my attitude at this point is "why bother?" People have been getting mad at me, I've been getting mad at people, everything's just out of control. I stopped caring about "life" a long time ago.
I've blathered long enough. I sound pathetic. I'm eventually going to take a shower and hack off my hair, because that's really all I can think of to do now.
So, "sayonara."
Don't get me wrong, Friday was pretty good... I think. O_o I'm so messed up I don't even know anymore. I'm in another one of those moods where I wish I had something or someone to get drunk with. Unfortunately, Mike's across the damn country. =P Ah well. So Friday I met up with Grace to go with her to get her stuff... I didn't say that before in case Will would read my LJ and then just drop the whole thing altogether-- which would be very stupid, since they both had stuff of each other's. That and I was worried about the both of them, but I can never TELL them that I'm worried, can I? Yeesh. I suck at this "older sister" thing.
Well Grace never called me after I got out of school -at least not to help her move- so I ended up taking my sweet (don't laugh) time in the shower and getting ready. I atcually managed to get my contacts in under 5 minutes, and for once I didn't drop either of them on the floor or anything. Still, that little mirror that mom got me to help me with putting them in is totally burnt out now. *sigh* How cheap. We were very nearly late, too, since we walked all the way to Park Presidio after dropping off cash at Blockbuster like Mom asked me to. We were only a block away from Walgreen's, and I coulda picked up my photos then, but Grace was kinda in a rush, and I found out that she couldn't get her stuff from Akito's and was not looking forward to seeing Will, given that he was threatening to leave early if she didn't show within the half-hour.
Well we managed to make it, regardless of the time, since Will was at the 38 Geary bus-stop on Van Ness when we got there. He looked kinda out of it, sulking or something, but since Grace was in front of me and there were crowds streaming around us. So Grace said something to him to get his attention, I waved from behind her, and they exchanged goods. I thought that Will would be pretty damn mad at me-- the whole idea of me just "meeting Grace on the bus" seemed pretty flippant, since I'm usually late to RTA, and I *had* been talking to Grace the past few days. Well, Grace decided (on the bus) that she was going to come with us to RTA, and she wouldn't be uncomfortable if *I* was there. (guilt!) This made things even more awkward walking to the 47 stop, since Will distanced himself, and I was torn between who to talk to or hang around, when I really wanted it to be both.
Will bought a rose for Amber at the 47 stop from one of those weird lisping homeless guys, which I thought was sweet, but seemed to sting Grace-- she said that Will, in all his sweetness, never bought HER a rose. Oh well, it's not really my place to comment, just to recollect. Earlier, she'd been taking all of Will's notes to her and stuffing them in various places in the things she wad giving back to him-- including in the manual of his Kingdom Hearts game. We both noticed that Will's writing got continually smaller as time wore on. @_o In any case, I thought it was kind of vicious of her, but after reading one of the letters and looking at the situation now, maybe Grace felt the same way I did... so I didn't stop her. You can't really "stop" anyone from being mad or heartbroken about that kind of thing anyway...
On the 47, Will sat on the opposite end of the back row of seats... Grace and I were semi-snuggled up on the other end, and the whole atmosphere was just plain depressing. We finally got to the last stop, where we get off to go to RTA, and had he been an Olympic track runner, Will couldn't have been more eager to dash off that bus and get the hell away from us. I wasn't in the mood much for running, though I admittedly did try at first, but I didn't want to leave Grace behind, so we just let Will get ahead of us. We finally caught up at the end of the block across the street from the pier, and I was even more paranoid that Will was mad at me, but he said he wasn't. Feh, maybe he's too nice a guy to just say so. Somehow I think I would have been happier if he had been mad at me.
Amazingly enough, the arcade wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be. EX looked cool and all, since the RTA tech had replaced the front MAX 2 cabinet's marquee with the EX one (unlike all the Golflands) and even the arrows on the pads. ^_^ Jeremy had made these cool ass cards for us that were made from photo paper or some such, with DDREx designs on them and our NBoR name under our real ones. 'Twas pretty cool, even if the card line was phoenomenally long. @_o Sticking around and saying hi or hanging out with everyone was difficult-- and despite EX being there, it wasn't a real Bemani Night, so some people probably didn't have quite the incentive to come. Still, most people showed up... Richie, even Vince, Cris, Jimmy, and Joe. Blech, seeing him made me sad again, since he didn't say a word to me. Never does, probably never will. And with the mood I'm in, I'll never give him the chance.
All in all, I ended up breaking my "promise" to Grace to stay with her (I never actually promised, hence the quotes, but when I tell someone something, I intend to mean it-- keep it) and I felt bad about that... people kept leaving early, going separate ways... Francisco (who cut his hair! It looked good, but it was just weird seeing him with short hair) and Fred had left to go to In-N-Out and never came back... Reggie and Dez were late, and since we had some sort of half-asses plan to see the 12:30 show of "Darkness Falls" at the 1000, they couldn't stick around... I don't really know what ended up happening to the motley group consisting of Sean, Grace, and probably a few others who decided they were hungry and didn't want to come with us (me, Amber, and Will) to In-N-Out. Sean had been getting on my nerves all night anyway, and he made it worse by saying I looked stupid while shadowing Alyson (sp?) at the MAX 2 machine in the back. I was so tempted to just kick his bony little ass from here to Osaka, but thankfully I didn't. Pet meself on the back for that one, I did.
Amber was feeling pretty sick at In-N-Out-- she really pushed herself by coming out that night, I think. We both got #2s, but I couldn't finish my fries. =P So when we finally left, we'd decided not to go see the movie after all, and instead stay over at my house (something we sorta came up with at RTA as it was closing). Mom was fine with it, so long as I did the dishes, etc. We ended up taking the 47 from In-N-Out, and it took longer than usual because one of the 47s on its way to the stop suddenly decided to not *be* a 47 anymore, and rounded the corner right before the stop. O.o
So we stayed at my house, and both Will and Amber helped with my chores... which was nice. I never like having people do my stuff for me, like it's some kind of requirement to stay at my house, but at least they offerred, which is polite. Plus my fingers are still kinda smarting from that cheese grater slicing off my skin, so whenever they're under hot water, it hurts. >_< We all stayed in the living room again, and this time I promised myself that I wouldn't just up and leave in the middle of the night to sleep in my room. I was trying to convince myself that I was okay with Will and Amber being together, even though the whole idea made me feel pretty damn lonely. It still does, and I guess that's why I'm here-- at home.
I ended up being pretty tired even though we stayed up late... and once again, it was like I'd been left out of something because Amber and Will ended up staying up late. I hate that... not them talking, but me just falling asleep. We had some sort of plan to stay at Amber's the next day (Saturday night to Sunday morning) so staying here at my house was just sort of a stop-over. In the morning, I made pancakes, and taught Will to do the same-- which was pretty cool, in its own right, since the second batch ended up being entirely Will's concotion. Amber had woken up earlier because of her sore throat and cough, and my mom made her some tea. ^_^ So hopefully she was feeling better. But it was getting later and later in the afternoon, so we arranged for Amber's mom to pick us up... after we'd played some Star Ocean (yeah, finally got the Bandit's Glove's! w00t! Now I gotta battle and build up skill points for Courage and Poker Face!) and Mario... Will REALLY wanted to go to Japantown, so after I got my photos at Walgreen's (after which I realized I was broke and therefore couldn't afford to get my "lost" manga, Peach Girl 14, at Japantown, nor a crepe or movies at Blockbuster in place of not seeing "Darkness Falls") we headed over there... Will was nice enough to get me my manga, a crepe for himself, and Amber shared her mixed fruits crepe with me and bought a crepe for her mom too.
Well, so we got to Amber's house and ended up messing with her guitar and computer... Will was happy to see the cat (Miss Kitty?) and everything... haha, I suppose it was kind of fun to see Will's "darker side" as we browsed the 'Net for some good hentai (we ended up watching some stuff from Amber's brother's collection -meager, at best- and about 8 minutes of Bible Black episode 3) but it all ended up making me pretty uncomfortable in the long run-- Amber and Will had each other to work their kinkiness off on, and I didn't have anyone. -.-; Amber's brother later left with his girlfriend, so that left the three of us ALL ALONE in the house.
This was when I felt like the third wheel that made the cart collapse. It seemed like a perfect opportunity for Will and Amber, and here I was ruining the mood. Or at least, I thought I was-- at first. They didn't seem to have any qualms about hugging or kissing or anything in front of me, despite last weekend and what I ended up finding out about it and all. See, I keep thinking I don't have any right to tell them they can't or shouldn't be close in front of me, just because it makes me uncomfortable. That's like telling the Queen of England not to have British accent in front of me because it "makes me feel funny." It's bullshit, so I didn't say anything, even though I would have rather sledgehammered myself in the head. When we finally retired to the "sleeping area" to watch Lilo and Stitch, they were back to cuddling again. Amazingly, the movie didn't make me cry like it did the first time, which I guess is a good thing, since I ended up saving all those tears for later on.
They had absolutely no qualms about acting like lovers in front of me. I told Amber I didn't mind, and she said I probably did-- and so yeah, she was right and she knew it, but I still told her I had no right to tell them not to be that way. People told Romeo and Juliet they couldn't be together, and look what happened to them. *sigh* In any case, I ended up going to the computer and just staring at the KazAa downloads, the cat being the only one who kept me company. I ended up crying a lot that night, pretty quietly-- I'm not one of those sob-stories that bawls and everything. I hate crying, because I see it as a weakness, and it never gets anyone anywhere. It's so easy to decieve people with tears, and I'm not a liar.
Amber finally got up and wanted to talk to me-- she didn't seem surprised that I was just sitting there crying on the cat. She wanted me to come into her room to talk, which we did-- about a lot of stuff. We ended up laughing over weird stuff and making some sort of promise to let her dye my hair the next day. I wanted to do it too-- lately I've been all about changing myself. But nothing ever seems to work. Will was asleep by the time we came out, so we just went to our respective positions beside him and fell asleep. Or at least, I did. I never seem to know anything about my own "friends" anymore. When I woke up next, it was just after 7:00a, and Will and Amber were both gone-- they were eating in the kitchen and talking. They weren't talking about anything serious, anything of real gossip importance... they were just being themselves, being lovers and all that.
The thing that really got to me earlier in the morning was how natural they seemed. "Friendship often ends in love, but love in friendship never." I wanted to be the one to prove that wrong with Joe, and stay friends with him, but we never were able to. I wish I could place blame entirely on him, but it's not like I've made an extensive effort to talk to him after he's starting ignoring me. After I IMd him on Windows Messenger, he probably signed off of it entirely or something, blocked me from his AIM, and doubtless never wants me to email him. What would I say, anyway? It doesn't matter... I can't trust anyone anymore. I did once, and it ended up breaking me, and here I up and did it again, and it's landed me even deeper in depression. I'm sick of this. I hate being jealous of my own friends, I hate lying to them about being happy for them all the time, and I hate feeling this cold emptiness inside that I think is real loneliness. I don't have any real friends -- no one I can turn to about this kind of thing. I've been thinking a lot about my sister lately and wishing she were here. It all sounds so suicidal, doesn't it? I almost did it this morning, too-- killed myself, that is. But the thought occurred to me that I'd never want to be anyone's hassle leaving, so why would I go and do something as selfish as kill myself in Anber's own home. Elch, it's all such an ugly thought anyway, and I don't think I'd ever have the guts to really do it.
But obviously it didn't matter what Amber had told me the night previous... or maybe my words got through to her more than I wanted them to. She was back wrapped up in Will's arms again, and I was so friggin' lonely and cold... once they fell asleep, I couldn't bring myself to stop staring at them. They were just this perfect ball of flesh and blankets and Amber's camo clothing, this mesh of everything I wanted but I couldn't get because I wasn't Amber, and I never could be. Poetic, eh? I finally got the thought in my mind that I needed to leave, that I couldn't stay. I didn't actually want to go through with it, and I was really hoping either of them would wake up and stop me. But no one did. Maybe they were that tired, or maybe they just didn't care, I don't know. I went, got dressed, got my stuff together, and just left.
Not even the cat was there to say goodbye.
Will didn't wake up when I pulled my jackets out from under him, and Amber didn't even stir when I stepped on her leg by accident. I left Will with FFT (which isn't really mine, I suppose, since Joe never bothers to talk to me to get his own stuff back) and let him hang onto the His and Her Circumstances DVD (since I don't have a DVD player and recently discovered that I have all the episodes on CD anyway, even if there's no extras and the subbing isn't as good). I didn't eat anything, didn't bother to check the muni site or mapquest for directions home. I figured that I could just wander, and I'd eventually end up home. If I got kidnapped or raped or killed, all the better, it'd save me the trouble of doing that (well, more the latter than the formers) myself. No one was even awake at 7:50 though. I left without a hitch-- no one stopped me. The gate slammed pretty loud too, but they just slept right through it.
I was hoping they'd call as I was walking towards Mission, where the 14 stop was. They didn't. I got to the Metreon, and still no one called. I walked to Market, up to the 5 stop, and still nothing. The 5 came, and I went home. No one called on the bus. I got home, got into some more comfortable clothes, ate a waffle, and went to sleep. I woke up at 2:30, and checked my cell's messages. None. An hour later, no one's heard from them. They have to be awake now. Maybe they think by not saying anything to me, they're "respecting my decision to leave." Or maybe they really don't care, and all they can see is each other.
The "genki" music I listened to hasn't helped. Everything's just a blurry distraction now, and I have no motivation to be happy or to try and do anything. I'm not sure anymore if I want to do anything anymore, I just feel so listless, so hopeless with everything I try to do. I can't meet Taisuke anymore, because, as I told Amber, I wouldn't have the heart to go on a blind date with a guy who thinks I'm cute and sweet when I'm really just a depressing bitch who can't stop thinking about how jealous I am of my own best friend and her boyfriend. Ranting to people doesn't help anymore either, the problems don't go away. People just don't understand, or don't know how to bother to try. I'm not sure if I want to go next week. It's true that pretending I'm happy is easier in crowds... but then again, maybe that'll just make me even more fake. So my attitude at this point is "why bother?" People have been getting mad at me, I've been getting mad at people, everything's just out of control. I stopped caring about "life" a long time ago.
I've blathered long enough. I sound pathetic. I'm eventually going to take a shower and hack off my hair, because that's really all I can think of to do now.
So, "sayonara."
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
n shes off...its 2 ply in the lead....followed by white lily...n the winner is...
Date: 2003-01-26 11:10 pm (UTC)fee fi fo fumm....i smell a lil one...
teepeee away...oh my...i sound like a lil kid.......
i forgot why im doin this......ill stop.........
now
.....
Date: 2003-01-26 11:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-27 12:17 am (UTC)Hmmm...
Date: 2003-01-27 12:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-01-27 09:39 am (UTC)I can still remember the time when it was Amber & Frick, Will & Grace, and you & Mike.
...Then me.
I just felt uncomfortable. I felt really out of place and like I wasn't supposed to be there. I felt like I was left out of the loop. That's why I hung out with Amber's brother most of the night. But I know you guys didn't mean anything bad by it. It was just something that was bound to happen.
So cheer up, I'm sure you're fine now though. I'm kinda late. Hehe.
:D
^_^ Thanks
Date: 2003-01-27 11:16 am (UTC)On a totally random topic, I heard (and can see by looking at your uber-cool journal) you know how to do the overrides for colors. Would you be able to help me out with that?
Mehh... and for the record, there never was a "me and Mike." I worked so damn hard to get his attention that night. And when he WAS with me, he wasn't thinking of me. Lovely thought, eh? Relationships (that is, other than friendships) suck. For the most part. Unless you're in them.
Blargh, I'm shutting up now.