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azuriteSo tonight Scott and I went to CSUN (I didn't have class today, so it was my first time on campus all day) to take some studio pictures for his large format class. I was glad he asked me (and not as a last resort, mind you; the assignment's not due till Monday) and even happier that he seemed inspired as to what he wanted to shoot, how he wanted me to look, etc.
I decided to wear my old choir gown from Wash, since it's the most formal black dress I have (prom dress is still at home-- and I still think I'm stupid for buying a black one in the first place). I looked fantastic in it, and I was happy to have a chance to "sort of" make up for my hideous senior portraits (ladies and gents still in high school, if you take senior portraits, make SURE you see the proofs before paying for anything. If anything is out of place or not to your liking, DON'T PAY FOR IT!).
Well, we went, and we finished in about two hours-- probably a record amount of time for us, considering of all the shoots Scott's used me for, they've usually taken (or seemed like they've taken) a long time. And this time, we talked, Scott didn't have to tell me constantly what (not) to do, how to move, etc. I felt like we'd come a long way, and we were both learning.
Only problem was me-- for the past week my asthma (or something) has been acting up, so on and off I'd have chest pains, trouble breathing, that kind of thing. I steadily ignored it as best I could, taking a breather from my inhaler when necessary. It was still good-- I was having fun.
And then for some reason as we left the campus to go back to the car, Scott was all quiet, and when I asked him what was up, he said that he felt like the shoot WASN'T a success (even though he got the pictures he wanted, and in a short amount of time, too), and that he was disappointed and didn't have any "fun."
Here's me, in pain, upset, and baffled beyond all belief.
When we finally talked when we got home (about 45 minutes ago), I told him why I was so upset, but he couldn't really put into words why the shoot was a disappointment-- only that he didn't "feel like my boyfriend" during the shoot. So I wondered, was he supposed to? All the other times, I thought the whole idea was I'm NOT supposed to act like a girlfriend (that is, flirtatious, coming onto him, etc.) during a shoot, because he's working, he's being serious, he's doing the thing that will become his career, his life, his passion! No Dumb Mer interruptions, ya?
Well, I didn't know what he was expecting or hoping or whatnot. I did everything he told me to do during the shoot, and during the end he was even being a little flirty with me! So... why all of a sudden was it a total bomb of a shoot? I still don't know... and though we briefly talked (Scott says he's sick of making me upset all the time, though a good portion of the time it's entirely my fault because I jump to conclusions/put words in his mouth), I didn't get any real answers out of it. He's back to having a headache and being sulky. Earlier when we had supper, he was so absorbed in his Mac that he was 10 minutes late, even when I called him down twice.
...Is it wrong of me to feel like I'm doing something wrong here? Usually, if I'm screwing up, Scott has some tactless (but well-meaning) way of saying it. Now I'm wondering if he knows by now that he's tactless, and he's just AVOIDING telling me something-- and making it worse in the process.
What am I supposed to learn from this whole encounter? I know I shouldn't berate myself constantly, thinking I'm a bad model; he did ASK me, after all, and I agreed readily because I WANT to help him... but... well, I still don't understand what happened, we've decided to "drop" it for the night, and I just feel plain unsatisfied with everything. I feel like we're ending the night on a bad note, and I hate that.
*sigh* Back to "Turnabout is Fair Play." Ookami-nee-chan's a godsend right about now, I should think...
I decided to wear my old choir gown from Wash, since it's the most formal black dress I have (prom dress is still at home-- and I still think I'm stupid for buying a black one in the first place). I looked fantastic in it, and I was happy to have a chance to "sort of" make up for my hideous senior portraits (ladies and gents still in high school, if you take senior portraits, make SURE you see the proofs before paying for anything. If anything is out of place or not to your liking, DON'T PAY FOR IT!).
Well, we went, and we finished in about two hours-- probably a record amount of time for us, considering of all the shoots Scott's used me for, they've usually taken (or seemed like they've taken) a long time. And this time, we talked, Scott didn't have to tell me constantly what (not) to do, how to move, etc. I felt like we'd come a long way, and we were both learning.
Only problem was me-- for the past week my asthma (or something) has been acting up, so on and off I'd have chest pains, trouble breathing, that kind of thing. I steadily ignored it as best I could, taking a breather from my inhaler when necessary. It was still good-- I was having fun.
And then for some reason as we left the campus to go back to the car, Scott was all quiet, and when I asked him what was up, he said that he felt like the shoot WASN'T a success (even though he got the pictures he wanted, and in a short amount of time, too), and that he was disappointed and didn't have any "fun."
Here's me, in pain, upset, and baffled beyond all belief.
When we finally talked when we got home (about 45 minutes ago), I told him why I was so upset, but he couldn't really put into words why the shoot was a disappointment-- only that he didn't "feel like my boyfriend" during the shoot. So I wondered, was he supposed to? All the other times, I thought the whole idea was I'm NOT supposed to act like a girlfriend (that is, flirtatious, coming onto him, etc.) during a shoot, because he's working, he's being serious, he's doing the thing that will become his career, his life, his passion! No Dumb Mer interruptions, ya?
Well, I didn't know what he was expecting or hoping or whatnot. I did everything he told me to do during the shoot, and during the end he was even being a little flirty with me! So... why all of a sudden was it a total bomb of a shoot? I still don't know... and though we briefly talked (Scott says he's sick of making me upset all the time, though a good portion of the time it's entirely my fault because I jump to conclusions/put words in his mouth), I didn't get any real answers out of it. He's back to having a headache and being sulky. Earlier when we had supper, he was so absorbed in his Mac that he was 10 minutes late, even when I called him down twice.
...Is it wrong of me to feel like I'm doing something wrong here? Usually, if I'm screwing up, Scott has some tactless (but well-meaning) way of saying it. Now I'm wondering if he knows by now that he's tactless, and he's just AVOIDING telling me something-- and making it worse in the process.
What am I supposed to learn from this whole encounter? I know I shouldn't berate myself constantly, thinking I'm a bad model; he did ASK me, after all, and I agreed readily because I WANT to help him... but... well, I still don't understand what happened, we've decided to "drop" it for the night, and I just feel plain unsatisfied with everything. I feel like we're ending the night on a bad note, and I hate that.
*sigh* Back to "Turnabout is Fair Play." Ookami-nee-chan's a godsend right about now, I should think...
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-28 08:54 am (UTC)/2cents
Oooohh no.
Date: 2005-04-28 04:17 pm (UTC)And people have told me I take things too personally, but I'm working on that-- I really am!
But as a writer, I face all kinds of concrit, and in the same way it is when someone edits my work, it is when someone talks to me face to face about an issue that I have:
There are three ways to go about it:
* gentle suggestions that may or may not be heeded, because they lack clarification and coherence, but at least they're nice ("You have some spelling errors here and there"/"You're a little bit rude...")
* the best kind, the kind that cites or gives specific examples and is direct and clear about it, but doesn't go the extra length to be hurtful or mean to the point where someone would want to give up. I don't mean everyone has to buff up concrit of any sort with a compliment, but there's almost always a NICER way to say things! (this is the kind I usually get and expect from my beta readers, and I would hope, from my friends, too!)
* the kind I'm prone to, Scott has ADMITTED he's prone to, and the kind I've been getting lately from some people-- tactless. It's something ROTC people could never grasp-- remember those 14 Principles and 11 Traits or whatnot? I remember Tact being one of them, and few to no officers ever got that down pat. It's when you have to tell someone point blank they've screwed up, but instead of gently correcting them and helping them figure out exactly what they did wrong and how, it's just "You fucked up *AGAIN*, blah blah *insult* blah" and of course, you leave the person not wanting to bother trying anymore! I hate that!
The way it works between people is that when someone says something to me that isn't clear, I'll either ignore it or forget about it (because it wasn't clear), fix it immediately/talk about it (in the case of coherent concrit free of insults) or get pissed off and either stop talking altogether, leave, or start a fight. I don't like doing any of the last three things... it just causes more problems. But last night when Scott said he didn't have fun... well, I did *ask* him how he felt, so I take full responsibility in getting the truth. It's not always pretty; I know that. But he could have phrased it a different way, clearer perhaps, so that I wouldn't have been left NOT understanding, and again, putting BLAME (if there even should be any) on myself.
I suppose if I were able to get an exact transcript (hah!) then I could point out just HOW he said the things, and WHY they upset me the way they did. But that's always the issue with journal posts and the like-- outsiders are looking in, trying to give that unbiased point of view. I just don't think it's possible to really put yourself in my shoes and understand why it upset me. I made the effort though, and I spoke my mind.