Shout, shout, let it all out
Dec. 30th, 2004 03:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteOkay, so I might have just screwed something up with Scott-- again. Funny how I can manage that sort of thing even via IM. So we're exchanging pictures and links and the like, and he asks me if I want to see a picture of him (topless, no less!) from about a year ago. I go, sure, of course-- why would I say no, honestly? But then the link-- it's from Carolyn. You remember her? The girl he was madly in love with, and is still "friends" with-- and who did, admittedly, hook him up with a potential photography job with Hustler, but...
Look, I know I'm the jealous sort. But would it kill Scott to be jealous of some of my past, too? He never even ASKS about it. I feel uncomfortable when he talks about his past, but I already know about Harvard Girl AND Carolyn, and does he even know about ONE of my exes? No. He knows merely that I regret who I had my first time with, and that's it.
Moreover, he doesn't seem to understand why I'm jealous-- men never get these things, do they?
1 - It's Carolyn. For a girl who's supposedly engaged to someone else, over him, and he's over her (and they're just "friends") why does she still have a half-naked picture of him on her site?
2 - On that same tangent, if it's a picture OF him from a year ago (smiling, too) then I wonder who TOOK the picture!? Gee. I wonder. -_-
I know Scott loves me and everything, but I can't help feeling insecure every now and then whenever he brings her up. He relies on her for rides, for editing, for all this stuff that he wouldn't even think to talk to me about. What about teaching ME to drive, or asking ME for help with editing, hm? Just because she works for Larry Flynt automatically makes her the golden girl, huh?
*sigh* I hate going to bed with this sort of weight on my mind, so I'm just ranting here.
There is a fantastically bright side to this night-- Kysra and Atlantis are both done (or in the latter's case, almost done) with WDKY14, and Kysra's comments have me nothing short of glowing. So if I keep those in mind before going to sleep, or plucking limes off mental lime tree for Chapter 16, all should be well.
...Damn it. I hate it when I screw things up like this, even when we both apologize. But he's all "some things just take longer to get over," implying my jealousy over Carolyn. Truth: my jealousy HAS subsided, substantially so, but every time he mentions her, it's like he's stabbing me in the chest. >_< GAAAH!
Look, I know I'm the jealous sort. But would it kill Scott to be jealous of some of my past, too? He never even ASKS about it. I feel uncomfortable when he talks about his past, but I already know about Harvard Girl AND Carolyn, and does he even know about ONE of my exes? No. He knows merely that I regret who I had my first time with, and that's it.
Moreover, he doesn't seem to understand why I'm jealous-- men never get these things, do they?
1 - It's Carolyn. For a girl who's supposedly engaged to someone else, over him, and he's over her (and they're just "friends") why does she still have a half-naked picture of him on her site?
2 - On that same tangent, if it's a picture OF him from a year ago (smiling, too) then I wonder who TOOK the picture!? Gee. I wonder. -_-
I know Scott loves me and everything, but I can't help feeling insecure every now and then whenever he brings her up. He relies on her for rides, for editing, for all this stuff that he wouldn't even think to talk to me about. What about teaching ME to drive, or asking ME for help with editing, hm? Just because she works for Larry Flynt automatically makes her the golden girl, huh?
*sigh* I hate going to bed with this sort of weight on my mind, so I'm just ranting here.
There is a fantastically bright side to this night-- Kysra and Atlantis are both done (or in the latter's case, almost done) with WDKY14, and Kysra's comments have me nothing short of glowing. So if I keep those in mind before going to sleep, or plucking limes off mental lime tree for Chapter 16, all should be well.
...Damn it. I hate it when I screw things up like this, even when we both apologize. But he's all "some things just take longer to get over," implying my jealousy over Carolyn. Truth: my jealousy HAS subsided, substantially so, but every time he mentions her, it's like he's stabbing me in the chest. >_< GAAAH!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-12-30 05:49 pm (UTC)I think the reason Scott doesn't ask about your past is because you've probably never even given a single inclination that you wanted to talk about it. The fact that you regret your first time, he probably took your past as a sore subject to talk to you about. You've got to realize, unless you tell him these things, he wouldn't be able to tell. Men, as stupid as they are, can't be miracle mind-readers. Look at it from his side- if you knew something about him that you believed to be a taboo to bring up, would you do it unless you were looking for a fight? Maybe you would Az, but Scott probably thinks that all you guys'll do is get into another fight.
I haven't seen this website of Carolyn's so I really couldn't tell you whether or not it's a good thing. I know I keep pictures of my exes not for memory reasons but because I bear no ill-will to scratch their names out of my life. The pictures are just there. Carolyn probably doesn't think anything of his picture on his website - I mean there's no "I LOVE THIS MAN!" all over it. And removing any existence of him in their life, some girls find that infantile especially if they broke up with their boyfriends (or girlfriends) on a neutral note. If they don't hate each other, why make it seem as though they do? Why bother wasting the energy?
Boys are dumb as a rock - the general population of them may understand mechanical things now and then but emotional matters - god, they've got the IQ of a soap dish. ^_^
So tell him how you feel babe but don't get defensive; tell him with a deep breath why you feel the way you do. If he loves you as much as you say he does, he will understand. Plus, I'm sure if you asked him to teach you how to drive, he may be able to. It's actually something that takes a lot of time which is why he's never offered. I know I wanted the same thing of my dad but it's a lot to ask of someone who's got a busy schedule. I know friends have wanted to ask me but again, it's a lot to ask of someone when they have other things to do. Driving isn't all that essential to your life either.
And offer to edit his things for him. You have superb grammar abilities- if you just offer to show him, he will be astounded as is the rest of us who have never known you in real life. ^_^ He sounds like a sweetie, just try talking without breaking down or getting on the defense.
*big exhaling*
Date: 2004-12-31 04:08 am (UTC)The other thing is, we're both people who hate feeling vulnerable. It's a race to see who can be the most "lovable" but not the most exposed. If I go off spouting how I feel, what I want, etc. then he has all the power. ^^;; It's a ridiculous notion, but... well, anyway, thanks for the advice.
Re: *big exhaling*
Date: 2004-12-31 06:38 pm (UTC)I mean I'm not saying how that is but the fact that revealing a feeling or a weakness of yours makes people think again about things. They know how to hurt you if they wanted to- not that they will but the fact that they have the power is scary.
Try a more subtle tactic - make it a joke or just say out of the blue with one of your pretty smiles - "Hey (insert pet name), you know you can me anything about me that you want to know right?" and then a wink. It would look weird if I did it but you're a gal of charisma. ^_~ Lol you don't have to do that exact thing.
We as the fairer sex are undeniably smarter- therefore, we have means of manipulation that could be used for good or evil. Not that males could tell anyways. >=D