Why am I here again?

[azurite]

No, not why am I here on this planet, but why am I here in San Francisco? Only what, three days of being here, and in that slight retrospect, it seems like a bad idea. I came back hoping Mom actually wanted me here, but instead I feel like I'm just here to do the dishes.

I can't say I can't, won't, or shouldn't have to do them... Mom's been all alone (NOT-- she's been with her BF aka He Who Makes Her Forget All About Me) but it just irritates me how every time she gets stressed or angry, she threatens to kick me out. "If you don't do your part, then you don't have to stay here." Thing is, this time around, I have no obligation to stay here. I really don't. I could have just told her "Fine," packed up my bag, and called my dad.

But 1) I actually spent loads of time, money, and creative thought on this Christmas, including Mom's gift; 2) I was --up until she said that bit about kicking me out-- very hyped up about this holiday, for once. I mean, yes, Winter is my favorite season, but every year, Mom and I get into one pithy argument or another-- for no reason. Screw the statistics-- whoever started it, I end up apologizing for it. I'm sick of it, but I have to try and be understanding, because Mom was out of work for two months, she was one of maybe five union workers from her hotel that stayed with the lockout the entire time (read: didn't become a scab), and she's starting to hate her work there (after nearly 20 years, plenty of close friends, good comps, and so on) and is even talking about finding work elsewhere.

I have to try and not be selfish, and think of how my great idea to stay with Scott for one measly night at the Westin will be shot to hell, and how Mom only puts 10% of her effort into anything she does with me. She rarely calls me when she's in Northridge, she never lets me finish my sentences, offers little to no motivation or reasoning for anything I want or need to do... I mean yeesh, is it wrong to want the stereotypical "caring, loving" Mom that it seems the rest of the world has? I can't say this to her face though. I'm venting here. I'm feeling better since talking to Scott; between him and Erin, I think I'm getting some important messages drilled into me when I need them the most.

If all this still bothers me later today, I'll write a letter to Mom or something.

Other than that, I'm going to take my last $2.50 and head to Stonestown in the hopes of getting a job at Borders; if not there, then anywhere else in the mall looking for holiday help. I've decided "screw it, I'll work late, I'll work recovery, I'll work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, whatever. I just want money." I even printed out my slightly-revised Yahoo! resume. Here I go, yo!

On one final note-- I'll be coming home to work on WDKY14-16 (I'm posting WDKY13 in a few), my special profile thankoo image, and any stray Xmas presents (online) people want. I think. I hope. I came up with a holiday S/A round robin, so that'll go up later, if you're interested in participating.

Finally, WinterWing3000, I'm not sure if you read this, but if you do, please send any and all emails (under 400KB) to my FFnet account. You can try sending others to my Yahoo! one, and I should get it, since I'm on a virus-free comp that I don't download emails to. This applies to anyone else trying to send me anything... it's all very much obliged. I'll try and catch up on all your journals once I have the chance! ^^;

Mero mero GO GO!

Comments

[schmollieollie.livejournal.com]

damn mer i really admire you-
youre in town on a vacation and you want to get a job. i live her and i cant even get a job! I really admire your determination. hope to see you soon!

[shalilajupiter.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I don't think anyone has perfect family relations. There are those who pretend they do, but each family has its own set of problems. I mean, for years I've been trying to trade my mom in on a new model (honestly, I won't go into my mother issues here) but then I realise, that with the new model, comes a whole new set of problems.

The thing with parents, mothers too, is that they're human. That is, they have human weaknesses, human vulnerabilities, human feelings. Parents aren't perfect. They're just people who happen to have responsibilities to you.

So, while they do have certain obligations to you, to be the parent, to be there, and to be kind, the thing is that no parent is free of error or failure. Honestly, I could go on for days about the thing my mom has done to hurt me, anger me, make me hate her.

And for a while, I did, but as I was plowing my way through the snow the other day I realised something. Brooding over it wasn't helping anything. I mean, the more I think of it, the more I realise that my life would be a great deal more peaceful if I just let all the mother stuff go, accept the fact that she is a human person, and let her be a human person.

Another factor too, is that, since mothers are human, and they get stressed and angry, sometimes, they say harsh things too. I'm sure you've done it before. I have. All people do. It's part of the human condition. I despise the human condition -- it lacks the clean perfection of being a deity or something -- but the more I come to accept it, the better I feel.

Uhmm, what else did I want to say . . . ah yes. You know, the more I read from you, the more you remind me of my sister. I adore my sister, by the way (even if sometimes I want to give her a few good smacks to the head -- not that I want to give you smacks to the head . . . oh dear, I've tossed my foot in my mouth again . . .). My sister has this problem. She and mom don't get along at all. I, at least, get along with mom. My sister and my mother are in a constant war, and all of it is because my sister, for whatever twisted reason, refuses to talk to mom. She refuses to say "no, mom. Stop. When you say that, it makes me feel bad."

And that's the difference. I've found that the best way with my mom is to just tell her. Right out. To her face. Sure, it hurts, but no one gets anywhere by not telling people things. Unfortunately, I tend to get confrontational (I'm a very confrontational person -- deal) People can't read other peoples' minds. If you don't tell them how you feel, they don't know.

Also, people do seem to get inexplicably antsy around the holidays. I honestly don't know why this is. Self imposed stress maybe? I think sometimes people need to spend less time making things perfect, and just enjoy the good time they have around them. I mean, life is joy, is it not? Then let life be a party. The holidays would be a much happier time if people would just let loose and enjoy themselves.

[homgsekrit.livejournal.com]

Heh...sure. Talking can help a lot, but it depends. For instance, if I had tried to tell my mother anything (especially if I tried to be polite, or if I was upset), I'd just get slapped.

It doesn't always work, or help. It depends on the person you're dealing with, and if they want to hear it.

And there's a difference when you do actually have a caring mother, even if she isn't flawless, or pefect, there's a huge difference. Sure, no one's without fault, but I do know people who love their mothers, regardless of faults, and they are great woman that I look up to.

I guess the only thing you can do is mold yourself to be a better person. You can't be flawless, but there's nothing wrong with being a bit kinder and more understanding.

[winterwing3000.livejournal.com]

Okie Dokie! I'll try to send them to you by the end of the week! And now... to finish Mamono's!

Big with the...

[azurite]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

What am I getting, again? What am I doing in return?

Re: Big with the...

[winterwing3000.livejournal.com]

To Azurite: 2 WDKY fanarts (black and white pencils products)

To WW3000 (me ^-^): Anything from my wishlist if you please! And thank you! (Happy Holidays too!)

Re: Big with the...

[cutieme4u.livejournal.com]

Yay! So glad ur back. Can't wait to get home myself. And this year, I'm New Year's partyin w/ u... as soon as I get done surviving these three days of hell called finals!

[shalilajupiter.livejournal.com]

Well, yes. Simply, my sister's not able to confront my mom the way I can, and that's fine for her. It works for her. That's what she's comfortable with, that's the relationship she's comfortable with having, and I mean, I wish she could know mom the way I know mom, but because she is herself, she can't.

That's all.

And honestly, I know my mom and my sister don't get into fights nearly as intensley as my mother and I do (my mother's a thower, actually -- anything and everything she can get her hands on).

And no one ever wants to hear someone say things about them that could be construed negatively, but, sometimes it happens.

But then I think, I know people with amazing, wonderful, supportive, caring mothers and even then there are still disagreements and problems. No one gets along all the time.

The thing I find in any personal relationship is that understanding goes a very long way, as does patience. Just my findings from me. I can't vouch or speak for anyone else. No one can. That's the beauty of the personal life. It's just that, personal.

No one knows another person's experience or feelings, unless those are both expressed in some way, which is, I suppose, my thing with talking. I mean, I don't understand how people (such as my mom -- and she does this) expect me to know what they're thinking or feeling, unless they indicate it in some way.

I'm just blathering ideas. I should stop, really. *L*

[homgsekrit.livejournal.com]

True. ;3 Not about you stopping. >__< Just...what you say. All I'm saying is, sometimes...there are people you will run into that you can't talk to. That even telling them how you feel, won't help--they still won't care.

And of course, everyone has problems with everyone. I can't think of a single soul I've not had to work at things with. That's just how it goes. ;3

[katiat325.livejournal.com]

You're here? and you didn't call anyone? :(
Oh well...

Yes, I agree with Eva, finals are hell, only I have a week's worth of finals. 3 down, 3 more to go!

Oh, by the way, do you have a new cell #? if so, can you call me up and tell me what it is?

Well, actually...

[azurite]

If it weren't for my desperate need to have money to spend, I wouldn't care less. But Mom *wants* me to get a job, and "as long as I stay under her roof," her word is God. So... yeah, I'm pretty much fucked if I *don't* land one.

All true

[azurite]

I think I've changed a great deal... I actually bother to wait until someone's done talking before I speak (my mom does not), and when someone says "You know, that topic makes me uncomrfortable," I drop it. My mom does not; she doesn't hesitate to bring up the usual schpiel about how she took care of me for 19 years, Dad barely paid any child support... I swear, these kind of lines and issues must come standard at some store or something. If not that, then I belong at NBC with my own family drama.

I know she's human and she gets stressed, but that doesn't excuse her (50+ or not) from growing up and acting her age, rather than her shoe size. I came close to telling her last night that she gave me bad energy or whatnot, but it came out strange-- I think she's just stuck in this frame set, and it's really hard to work with her. But that's not going to stop me from trying.

Been there

[azurite]

That's the thing-- I think *I've* changed, but she won't. Not to mention, she seemed kind of incredulous when I said that I'd changed. Sure, it still bugs me that I have to do the dishes every day, as opposed to every other day-- so I could stand there for an hour, relax, and listen to music. It's my weird policy, but she doesn't like it.

Thing is, ever since my sister died, I feel like I haven't had a mother, I've had a "caretaker," or a "guardian." She's a far cry from those evil stepmoms in fairy tales, but she's come close on more than one occasion.

The Holidays are always hard around here; I just wish they could change.

Re: Big with the...

[azurite]

Bwaha. Okay, I've picked something from your list that I'm going to do, but I won't tell you what till I'm done. I thik I'll just post everyone's presents all at once next week. :)

Re: Big with the...

[azurite]

Hehe. Hey! You know what I realized that's actually kind of funny? Bakura in Yu-Gi-Oh (the white-haired guy) has this card that spells out F-I-N-A-L and then the opponent dies.

*grin* Haha.

And yay, New Year's partay! Anything's better than failed drunken parties, feeling lonely/depressed, or foggy fireworks. We shall come up with a plan!

I'm running out of ideas for these things

[azurite]

But it's all true, though.

I bet plenty of people see my mom as all kind and supportive and nice and... well, when you're not the child of a parent, you probably DON'T want to see a parent's negative side.

Ehehe

[azurite]

Don't shoot-- I'm not much of a phone person, anyhow. When I went out with Steph and Sherrell the other night, it was because we communiqued through TM and AIM. ^^;

And no, same old cell number. I can give you a ring if you want, though. ^_^

Re: Been there

[homgsekrit.livejournal.com]

X__X All I can offer you is an internet hug. *feels foolish*

Holidays might be a bit better if they were a bit warmer, huh? Maybe something about your sister's death affected her towards this? Well, I'm not gonna pry anymore into that, just that losing loved ones can really alter a person. I'm sure you've seen that in yourself, no doubt. I just wish you lots of luck in dealing with it.

And I do hope, in spite of things, that you can talk to her.... If she'll listen. Sometimes you just have to make people listen....

Re: Big with the...

[winterwing3000.livejournal.com]

BWHA!!! Nooo! You are Eeeeeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeelll!! *Slaps mouth shut* Woopsie... I wanna have presents from Santa... So I have to be a GOOD GIRL! *crosses-fingers*

But thank you millions Azurite! ^-^

Re: Been there

[azurite]

Hey, I like Internet/Digital hugs. You know, the one line people keep throwing out around this time of year is "it's the thought that counts," and that's true!

Re: my sister-- I don't mind people asking about it (as long as they don't go overboard). She died back in 1996 though, and I guess as a (pre)teen, I was able to "get over it" or move on easier than my mother; she claims to have moved on, but often it seems like she's still stuck in that period, without any desire to move on.

Anywho, thanks. :)

Re: Big with the...

[azurite]

*grin* I'm not so sure you'll be thanking me when I'm done, but I won't say any more.

Re: Been there

[homgsekrit.livejournal.com]

Okay then. ^O^ *hugs* ^^;;;

Oy...as for your sister, that may have been a while ago, but it's a *CHANCE* your mother distanced herself from you after suffering that pain. She might be afraid to be close to you and lose you as well. x___X I don't know...I don't really know either of you personally, or all that well.

I just hope you can find a way to talk to her and get through to her. =/ I know that's not much help....

So I'll just hug you again. ,___, *hugs*