Why am I here again?
Dec. 15th, 2004 10:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteNo, not why am I here on this planet, but why am I here in San Francisco? Only what, three days of being here, and in that slight retrospect, it seems like a bad idea. I came back hoping Mom actually wanted me here, but instead I feel like I'm just here to do the dishes.
I can't say I can't, won't, or shouldn't have to do them... Mom's been all alone (NOT-- she's been with her BF aka He Who Makes Her Forget All About Me) but it just irritates me how every time she gets stressed or angry, she threatens to kick me out. "If you don't do your part, then you don't have to stay here." Thing is, this time around, I have no obligation to stay here. I really don't. I could have just told her "Fine," packed up my bag, and called my dad.
But 1) I actually spent loads of time, money, and creative thought on this Christmas, including Mom's gift; 2) I was --up until she said that bit about kicking me out-- very hyped up about this holiday, for once. I mean, yes, Winter is my favorite season, but every year, Mom and I get into one pithy argument or another-- for no reason. Screw the statistics-- whoever started it, I end up apologizing for it. I'm sick of it, but I have to try and be understanding, because Mom was out of work for two months, she was one of maybe five union workers from her hotel that stayed with the lockout the entire time (read: didn't become a scab), and she's starting to hate her work there (after nearly 20 years, plenty of close friends, good comps, and so on) and is even talking about finding work elsewhere.
I have to try and not be selfish, and think of how my great idea to stay with Scott for one measly night at the Westin will be shot to hell, and how Mom only puts 10% of her effort into anything she does with me. She rarely calls me when she's in Northridge, she never lets me finish my sentences, offers little to no motivation or reasoning for anything I want or need to do... I mean yeesh, is it wrong to want the stereotypical "caring, loving" Mom that it seems the rest of the world has? I can't say this to her face though. I'm venting here. I'm feeling better since talking to Scott; between him and Erin, I think I'm getting some important messages drilled into me when I need them the most.
If all this still bothers me later today, I'll write a letter to Mom or something.
Other than that, I'm going to take my last $2.50 and head to Stonestown in the hopes of getting a job at Borders; if not there, then anywhere else in the mall looking for holiday help. I've decided "screw it, I'll work late, I'll work recovery, I'll work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, whatever. I just want money." I even printed out my slightly-revised Yahoo! resume. Here I go, yo!
On one final note-- I'll be coming home to work on WDKY14-16 (I'm posting WDKY13 in a few), my special profile thankoo image, and any stray Xmas presents (online) people want. I think. I hope. I came up with a holiday S/A round robin, so that'll go up later, if you're interested in participating.
Finally, WinterWing3000, I'm not sure if you read this, but if you do, please send any and all emails (under 400KB) to my FFnet account. You can try sending others to my Yahoo! one, and I should get it, since I'm on a virus-free comp that I don't download emails to. This applies to anyone else trying to send me anything... it's all very much obliged. I'll try and catch up on all your journals once I have the chance! ^^;
Mero mero GO GO!
I can't say I can't, won't, or shouldn't have to do them... Mom's been all alone (NOT-- she's been with her BF aka He Who Makes Her Forget All About Me) but it just irritates me how every time she gets stressed or angry, she threatens to kick me out. "If you don't do your part, then you don't have to stay here." Thing is, this time around, I have no obligation to stay here. I really don't. I could have just told her "Fine," packed up my bag, and called my dad.
But 1) I actually spent loads of time, money, and creative thought on this Christmas, including Mom's gift; 2) I was --up until she said that bit about kicking me out-- very hyped up about this holiday, for once. I mean, yes, Winter is my favorite season, but every year, Mom and I get into one pithy argument or another-- for no reason. Screw the statistics-- whoever started it, I end up apologizing for it. I'm sick of it, but I have to try and be understanding, because Mom was out of work for two months, she was one of maybe five union workers from her hotel that stayed with the lockout the entire time (read: didn't become a scab), and she's starting to hate her work there (after nearly 20 years, plenty of close friends, good comps, and so on) and is even talking about finding work elsewhere.
I have to try and not be selfish, and think of how my great idea to stay with Scott for one measly night at the Westin will be shot to hell, and how Mom only puts 10% of her effort into anything she does with me. She rarely calls me when she's in Northridge, she never lets me finish my sentences, offers little to no motivation or reasoning for anything I want or need to do... I mean yeesh, is it wrong to want the stereotypical "caring, loving" Mom that it seems the rest of the world has? I can't say this to her face though. I'm venting here. I'm feeling better since talking to Scott; between him and Erin, I think I'm getting some important messages drilled into me when I need them the most.
If all this still bothers me later today, I'll write a letter to Mom or something.
Other than that, I'm going to take my last $2.50 and head to Stonestown in the hopes of getting a job at Borders; if not there, then anywhere else in the mall looking for holiday help. I've decided "screw it, I'll work late, I'll work recovery, I'll work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, whatever. I just want money." I even printed out my slightly-revised Yahoo! resume. Here I go, yo!
On one final note-- I'll be coming home to work on WDKY14-16 (I'm posting WDKY13 in a few), my special profile thankoo image, and any stray Xmas presents (online) people want. I think. I hope. I came up with a holiday S/A round robin, so that'll go up later, if you're interested in participating.
Finally, WinterWing3000, I'm not sure if you read this, but if you do, please send any and all emails (under 400KB) to my FFnet account. You can try sending others to my Yahoo! one, and I should get it, since I'm on a virus-free comp that I don't download emails to. This applies to anyone else trying to send me anything... it's all very much obliged. I'll try and catch up on all your journals once I have the chance! ^^;
Mero mero GO GO!
