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azurite*sigh* Damn, what a weekend. Let's go over it in a nutshell, shall we?
(1) Decent Thanksgiving in Fresno. A bit lonely and cold, but okay.
(2) Fight with Shaina! but it blew over the next morning.
(3) Long, boring ride home. All alone. Scott didn't call until late that evening, and he finally came over around 7ish.
(4) After we hit up Chili's and Rite Aid for dinner and dessert good (mm, Danish butter cookies!) I got a call from Baba-- Grandpa's in the hospital in Fresno. Something with his heart? We don't know, they're doing tests.
(5) I'm antsy from there on out. Thank goddess for Scott. He was working on his paper, and I was playing FFX and folding laundry. By 1am, we were both tired and nearly done (or as done as you can be on a 12-page art history paper and FFX), so we went to sleep... I finally calmed down by then.
(6) Next morning (that is, today) I got a call saying there was one more test to be had, and they'd try to be back in the evening. I'm feeling better now that THEY'RE feeling better, so I'm relaxed.
(7) The house is pretty much void of food, but Scott's a doll and made me some eggs. I also nibbled on some applesauce and a banana, and later on, I had some toast and a bit of homemade pasta soup. For some reason, after eating we're both always very energetic (and in my case, I'd felt close to fainting before I'd eaten-- Scott pesters me as much as Baba about eating!) so we made good use of that energy... ^_^
(8) But afterwards, Scott just had to go and mention leaving. That is, graduating, going bye-bye, leaving me behind. These kinds of things, while all about him chasing his dream, getting out of college after all this time, and traveling like he's always wanted to, depress me. I don't like looking at the big picture or the inevitable future, because there's always a "me alone" somewhere in that equation.
Especially with Grandpa being sick and possibly on his deathbed, that got me thinking. I know they're old and they'll die. My first thoughts revolve on how I can be strong for Baba, how I can help her take care of the house, herself, and everything. Then I think about my Dad and my aunts and uncles; I think about my cousin. I'm somewhere after all that-- the person who, OH YEAH! lives here, relies on the housing and the occasional spot of money. I rely on the shelter, the electricity, the water, the food. If Grandpa died, I'd have to move out-- probably back to San Francisco. -_-;
I put myself second because it's what I'm used to. I need to be the rock, the stronghold, the anchor for everyone else. Not because they're weak, but because it's what I'm used to, what they're used to... inside, I'm all cracked up and broken, though. I've always wanted someone who put ME first, who, even if it'd seem weird to me at first, would pester me about ME! I guess this comes from having a semi-distant set of parents who didn't seem to take much interest in my life when I needed it the most (in my teenage years).
Well, I shut myself off from Scott because as my mom's always said, "you are control of your own feelings and reactions." I figured I was the idiot, the bad person, the dumb ass who felt this way, who couldn't handle the fact that Scott would be graduating, the person who, despite being so close to him and knowing his joy and passion of photography, couldn't be happy for him going out into the big wide world and PURSUING that.
I tried, really.
Scott didn't seem to get it. I wanted him to guess, because in my view, it's always screamingly obvious. I don't like thinking about the future-- good or bad. You get your hopes up if you think about the good, and you get depressed if you think about the bad. Where's the sense in any of that? After a bit, Scott said something rather dumb (of course, I can't even recall what it is right now), but I shot back (venomously, mind you. I was feeling very mean): "Practice what you preach." I grabbed my clothes and stalked off to the bathroom.
Of course, once there, I burst into tears. I wanted Scott to just go in there and hug me or something, but he didn't. He knocked on the door after a bit, and I said, "do what you want," but he didn't come in. I got sick of the cold and the stupid way I looked, so I shut off the light. I was trying to calm down in the dark, and I finally left... Scott was right outside, but he didn't grab my wrist or anything. I made it halfway up the stairs to my room before I just collapsed and I started crying again.
This isn't like me, you know! Yeah, you know. You probably do, anyway.
Somehow I ended up in my room and Scott and I just started talking-- there in the dark. See, Scott doesn't talk much, so when he does I'm supposed to look at it as a good thing. I resist interrupting or disagreeing with him right off the bat; I'm supposed to be grateful he's NOT closing himself off to me like he usually does. Hypocrisy, isn't it? How I close myself off to him...
What it came down to was the truth (I hide it, but I do not lie): I can't stand him always talking about leaving, I hate thinking about that. He's been so romantic at times, saying he hopes we're together a long time, that he loves me... *sigh* And so on? I have to try and be a skeptic, given my track record. But I have to start accepting that fact. I have to start thinking ("not selfishly, but") for myself, and my happiness. Seeing the silver lining, I suppose.
The thing I didn't tell Scott? Of all the failures and horrible experiences and Things I Can't Seem To Let Go Of, I've not ONCE felt the connection like I have with him. I've never been able to look at anyone and see my whole life right there. That's frighteningly scary for me at this point, having only been with him just shy of three months. And yet, I have this twisted fantasy (which I did tell him) where when he graduates, I just give him a big hug, and he whispers "Come with me" in my ear, and I do. We end up leaving the U.S. together, going off and doing OUR thing. He's the only guy where, if an "accident" did happen, I wouldn't rush to the nearest clinic and get an abortion. I'm really starting to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that if I did get pregnant with him, I'd keep it. I told him that, too.
I mean... good god, this is me? I feel like I've changed a great deal from how I used to be, but I'm still tottering on the edge. I don't want to be that depressed, suicidal, unmotivated, unsure girl I was in junior high. I don't want to be closed off and angry at the world. I should be able to be responsible and mature, but also realize that plenty of things involve two people, and therefore if I feel a certain way about something, I should tell him!
Right?
Anyway, Baba came home tonight --alone-- with Fred and Susy, who have since headed back to San Diego. Fred and Scott talked a bit, since Fred owns a production company in Mission Valley, and maybe might have some work for Scott in the future. After that, Scott went home to deal with drama between his roommates, and here I am... still in this weird mood, wondering what's going to happen.
I have to start "exuding happiness," or trying to find my own personal happiness or something. It feels kind of like a seedling, to be honest-- a bit of me I know is there. Scott says he sees it when I stop and smell the roses (literally) or I dance under the moon... but it needs to be there in all of me, radiate from me when I speak, and everything. I have the right to cry, be angry, be afraid and lonely... but not let that control me, and make me think negatively. It's a one-step-at-a-time process. Maybe I should just start thinking of my life as a fanfiction gone awry; I'm a self-insert in a fantastic drama made for the WB!
Anywho, I'm chipping away at FFX; I have yet to get most of the Celestial Sigils (I got Rikku's and Auron's), but Kimahri's and Tidus's will prove hardest of all. The Omega Dungeon (esp. those damn Mimics and Demonoliths) is a pain; I don't have enough armor that protects against ALL those ailments (esp. Poison, Curse, Zombie, Confusion, Stone, and Darkness!). I got Yojimbo, finally, but he's practically 100% useless. Even with Auron's Masamune or Muramase or whatever Legendary Weapon it is, he doesn't do over 9999 HP damage with each hit. I mean yeesh, how much do I have to pay the Mofo for a decent attack!?
Also, where do I get Purifying Salts for a No Encounter armor? I'm tempted to just try and go Inside Sin right now, to get the last item I need from Kilika to open up Baaj to get Anima to go to Belgemine to get the Magus Sisters to get the Moon Sigil to activate Nirvana to beat the Omega Dungeon... blah blah, blah.
Where's all my email?
(1) Decent Thanksgiving in Fresno. A bit lonely and cold, but okay.
(2) Fight with Shaina! but it blew over the next morning.
(3) Long, boring ride home. All alone. Scott didn't call until late that evening, and he finally came over around 7ish.
(4) After we hit up Chili's and Rite Aid for dinner and dessert good (mm, Danish butter cookies!) I got a call from Baba-- Grandpa's in the hospital in Fresno. Something with his heart? We don't know, they're doing tests.
(5) I'm antsy from there on out. Thank goddess for Scott. He was working on his paper, and I was playing FFX and folding laundry. By 1am, we were both tired and nearly done (or as done as you can be on a 12-page art history paper and FFX), so we went to sleep... I finally calmed down by then.
(6) Next morning (that is, today) I got a call saying there was one more test to be had, and they'd try to be back in the evening. I'm feeling better now that THEY'RE feeling better, so I'm relaxed.
(7) The house is pretty much void of food, but Scott's a doll and made me some eggs. I also nibbled on some applesauce and a banana, and later on, I had some toast and a bit of homemade pasta soup. For some reason, after eating we're both always very energetic (and in my case, I'd felt close to fainting before I'd eaten-- Scott pesters me as much as Baba about eating!) so we made good use of that energy... ^_^
(8) But afterwards, Scott just had to go and mention leaving. That is, graduating, going bye-bye, leaving me behind. These kinds of things, while all about him chasing his dream, getting out of college after all this time, and traveling like he's always wanted to, depress me. I don't like looking at the big picture or the inevitable future, because there's always a "me alone" somewhere in that equation.
Especially with Grandpa being sick and possibly on his deathbed, that got me thinking. I know they're old and they'll die. My first thoughts revolve on how I can be strong for Baba, how I can help her take care of the house, herself, and everything. Then I think about my Dad and my aunts and uncles; I think about my cousin. I'm somewhere after all that-- the person who, OH YEAH! lives here, relies on the housing and the occasional spot of money. I rely on the shelter, the electricity, the water, the food. If Grandpa died, I'd have to move out-- probably back to San Francisco. -_-;
I put myself second because it's what I'm used to. I need to be the rock, the stronghold, the anchor for everyone else. Not because they're weak, but because it's what I'm used to, what they're used to... inside, I'm all cracked up and broken, though. I've always wanted someone who put ME first, who, even if it'd seem weird to me at first, would pester me about ME! I guess this comes from having a semi-distant set of parents who didn't seem to take much interest in my life when I needed it the most (in my teenage years).
Well, I shut myself off from Scott because as my mom's always said, "you are control of your own feelings and reactions." I figured I was the idiot, the bad person, the dumb ass who felt this way, who couldn't handle the fact that Scott would be graduating, the person who, despite being so close to him and knowing his joy and passion of photography, couldn't be happy for him going out into the big wide world and PURSUING that.
I tried, really.
Scott didn't seem to get it. I wanted him to guess, because in my view, it's always screamingly obvious. I don't like thinking about the future-- good or bad. You get your hopes up if you think about the good, and you get depressed if you think about the bad. Where's the sense in any of that? After a bit, Scott said something rather dumb (of course, I can't even recall what it is right now), but I shot back (venomously, mind you. I was feeling very mean): "Practice what you preach." I grabbed my clothes and stalked off to the bathroom.
Of course, once there, I burst into tears. I wanted Scott to just go in there and hug me or something, but he didn't. He knocked on the door after a bit, and I said, "do what you want," but he didn't come in. I got sick of the cold and the stupid way I looked, so I shut off the light. I was trying to calm down in the dark, and I finally left... Scott was right outside, but he didn't grab my wrist or anything. I made it halfway up the stairs to my room before I just collapsed and I started crying again.
This isn't like me, you know! Yeah, you know. You probably do, anyway.
Somehow I ended up in my room and Scott and I just started talking-- there in the dark. See, Scott doesn't talk much, so when he does I'm supposed to look at it as a good thing. I resist interrupting or disagreeing with him right off the bat; I'm supposed to be grateful he's NOT closing himself off to me like he usually does. Hypocrisy, isn't it? How I close myself off to him...
What it came down to was the truth (I hide it, but I do not lie): I can't stand him always talking about leaving, I hate thinking about that. He's been so romantic at times, saying he hopes we're together a long time, that he loves me... *sigh* And so on? I have to try and be a skeptic, given my track record. But I have to start accepting that fact. I have to start thinking ("not selfishly, but") for myself, and my happiness. Seeing the silver lining, I suppose.
The thing I didn't tell Scott? Of all the failures and horrible experiences and Things I Can't Seem To Let Go Of, I've not ONCE felt the connection like I have with him. I've never been able to look at anyone and see my whole life right there. That's frighteningly scary for me at this point, having only been with him just shy of three months. And yet, I have this twisted fantasy (which I did tell him) where when he graduates, I just give him a big hug, and he whispers "Come with me" in my ear, and I do. We end up leaving the U.S. together, going off and doing OUR thing. He's the only guy where, if an "accident" did happen, I wouldn't rush to the nearest clinic and get an abortion. I'm really starting to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that if I did get pregnant with him, I'd keep it. I told him that, too.
I mean... good god, this is me? I feel like I've changed a great deal from how I used to be, but I'm still tottering on the edge. I don't want to be that depressed, suicidal, unmotivated, unsure girl I was in junior high. I don't want to be closed off and angry at the world. I should be able to be responsible and mature, but also realize that plenty of things involve two people, and therefore if I feel a certain way about something, I should tell him!
Right?
Anyway, Baba came home tonight --alone-- with Fred and Susy, who have since headed back to San Diego. Fred and Scott talked a bit, since Fred owns a production company in Mission Valley, and maybe might have some work for Scott in the future. After that, Scott went home to deal with drama between his roommates, and here I am... still in this weird mood, wondering what's going to happen.
I have to start "exuding happiness," or trying to find my own personal happiness or something. It feels kind of like a seedling, to be honest-- a bit of me I know is there. Scott says he sees it when I stop and smell the roses (literally) or I dance under the moon... but it needs to be there in all of me, radiate from me when I speak, and everything. I have the right to cry, be angry, be afraid and lonely... but not let that control me, and make me think negatively. It's a one-step-at-a-time process. Maybe I should just start thinking of my life as a fanfiction gone awry; I'm a self-insert in a fantastic drama made for the WB!
Anywho, I'm chipping away at FFX; I have yet to get most of the Celestial Sigils (I got Rikku's and Auron's), but Kimahri's and Tidus's will prove hardest of all. The Omega Dungeon (esp. those damn Mimics and Demonoliths) is a pain; I don't have enough armor that protects against ALL those ailments (esp. Poison, Curse, Zombie, Confusion, Stone, and Darkness!). I got Yojimbo, finally, but he's practically 100% useless. Even with Auron's Masamune or Muramase or whatever Legendary Weapon it is, he doesn't do over 9999 HP damage with each hit. I mean yeesh, how much do I have to pay the Mofo for a decent attack!?
Also, where do I get Purifying Salts for a No Encounter armor? I'm tempted to just try and go Inside Sin right now, to get the last item I need from Kilika to open up Baaj to get Anima to go to Belgemine to get the Magus Sisters to get the Moon Sigil to activate Nirvana to beat the Omega Dungeon... blah blah, blah.
Where's all my email?
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no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 08:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-29 10:40 am (UTC)Don't really know what else to say >.< Wah.
Try and look after yourself. I hope your Granpa gets better and uhm, i hope the thing with Scott works out - you guyz seem so lovely together. Travelling doesnt mean he wont come back. Its not forever...i know thats probably not helping but uhm...yeh.
Ooo...i said i didnt know what to say but i babbled anyway...silly Siggy hehe>.<
Take care!!!
hey there
Date: 2004-11-29 11:28 pm (UTC)Mer, i know, know, know you can get through this....i have complete faith in you! We ( all your old friends...i feel i can speak for them) have always looked up to you because you are the strong one, you know how to handle things =) and i know you will be fine.
Im sorry to hear about all this drama thats going on with you...and like you said, everything happens for a reason, so maybe some good will come out of this.
OHHHHHHHHH...and TELL HIM!!! dont keep anything inside of you! REPLY BACK!! hahah
no subject
Date: 2004-11-30 01:47 am (UTC)*huggles*
-Svelte
no subject
Date: 2004-11-30 04:08 am (UTC)Anyway, honey, first - stop thinking your feelings are some big burden to others. They are YOUR feelings, and you are entitled to them no matter HOW they affect others. Own them. Cherish them. And most importantly . . .
SHARE THEM.
It might be obvious to you that you're distressed, down, depressed, whatever because YOU'RE experiencing it. Don't expect anyone (even those closest to you) to just miraculously pick up on it. You have to say what you feel sometimes.
And, yeah, it would be nice to be #1 in someone else's world, but (and I hate to say it) it's not realistic. In the absense of that - why don't you let YOU be #1 in YOUR world. Not to the exclusion of others, mind, but how can we take care of others - how can we be STABLE for others (the rock as you say) if, in reality, we've let ourselves become broken? And yes, I AM including myself here. I've had time to heal. I think you're on your way. You have to take care of yourself, or you'll be no use to others who might need you. (By the way, I think you already do have people pestering you about you - your grandmother, Scott, and - dare I say it - all of us who comment ^_~ EAT FOR GOODNESS SAKE *mock glare*)
Try not to get too down about Scott leaving. He's not leaving YOU. I'm his age, almost finished school, and I can tell you with certainty that travel lust has nothing to do with relationships. I keep telling myself, "I'm almost a quarter century old and what do I have to show for it but a piece of paper and another on the way?" We want to do things we might not get to do once we get settled in a steady job. Maybe he's feeling the same way? Either way, he's coming back. I'm sure you'll miss him, but . . . think about your planned trip to Japan. Spend some time thinking about how you'll welcome him home ^_~
Also, I'll be praying for you and your family. I hope your grandfather gets better soon. Keep us posted, ok?
And, I think that's enough from me. Please don't hate me . . . *hugs and chocolates*
no subject
Date: 2004-11-30 08:56 pm (UTC)Like she (^) said, you have to be #1 in your world. Once you put yourself first, other people will see it in you. They will see the real you, the you that comes out when you smell the roses or dance under the moon. Spend some time on yourself, do something you've never done, just enjoy life and it's beauty.
I know that being that rock for your family and friends is a hard thing, even when withing you're broken/cracked, but it's that commitment to people close to you that makes others value you. You know when to be serious, when to have fun, and when to be someone else to help others. I'm not saying that you should pretend, but you shouldn't feel like some cracked rock, because for some people you're probably a Godsent person. But when you spend some time on yourself, you'll end up being a boulder instead of a rock, and people will be putting you ahead of others. There is no reason to stop helping others, or being strong for others, and to limit your expression and your spirit.
About you grandfather, I hope that he get's better. Just be strong for your grandma, and the rest of your family. They'll tell you how they feel, and you SHOULD also tell then how you feel, don't keep things bottled up.
Scott has a wish to travel, so do a lot of people, but it doesn't mean that he'll be leaving *you*! You guy's can work this out. Just tell him how you feel, ask him if he plans to stay with you after graduation. You're so afraid of thinking about the future, that you don't even want to talk or ask about it. It's better to plan now than be completely devastated if something doesn't work out when that future becomes the present. It's always best to think of the future, because in some cases, it helps ease pain.
(for instance, I want to be a diplomat, which means living overseas. I'll be leaving my home and family, but it doesn't mean that I'll stop loving them. I'll still love them, especially my mom. I'd always be in touch, I'd always help out anyway I can for anything that's needed, etc. I know that it'll be painful for my mom to see me leave, but it'll be best for my future, and I'll always take care of her once I've reached some seniority, etc.)
Be yourself, even if you don't know what you are. I've found out that being yourself is doing something that makes you happy and content. I've realized that for me, being myself is being a calm person with a rare temper flare up, going shopping (buying a few things at hot topic, while in five minutes going into banana republic), buying shoes when I'm upset, going to the park, spending time at the library, going to a gym, enjoying time with family, being more conservative in dress than being more "cali girl" in dress, etc.
It takes time to find out about yourself, it's step-by-step, but with every step you'll take, you'll know more about yourself.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-01 07:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-02 12:52 am (UTC)