Depressingly average
Sep. 9th, 2004 10:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteI'm surprised --pleasantly so, I guess-- that this week is almost over. But, as I said in my subject line, it's been depressingly average. And I say depressingly because my thought process has been less than stellar-- you know, when those little demons in your head remind you of your most upsetting, embarrassing, or frightening times in your life?
Still, I have people around me who bolster my confidence. On the flip side, they don't realize it when they upset me, and I'm just too... "something" to say anything about it. I can either be blunt and honest and come off as a cruel, heartless, insensitive bitch, or I can attempt to be tactful, creating awkwardness and possibly embarrassing myself further. I'm good at that.
Yesterday I actually talked to Harry more than anyone else I've spoken or otherwise contacted (back from SF) in a long while. It was kind of nice, albeit unexpected, and somewhat strange. Funny, I never would have imagined I could carry on a 40 minute conversation with him, but I did! I even got my math homework done in the process, so it's even MORE weird.
I talked to Dad for a brief spot as well-- and got some tips for CAD class (which I'm in right now; 3 minutes till class start time, and I want to get drawing 3-3 finished already!). Plus, some sad news-- Bloop (the cat) died. Got hit by a car. I don't know how that's possible; she was an indoor cat, for the most part, and even when she was outside, everything is narrow rock pathways and slow-moving vehicles. How...? But what's the point of questioning, I guess? Why does anyone die, why does anything change? It's part of life, and there's no point second-guessing. Hindsight is 20/20...
I'm still sad though. I mean, yeah, I'm allergic to cats, but I love them to bits anyway, and though I didn't exactly "have" Bloop, I still liked her a lot. She was cute and playful, and very pretty. Even if she did bonk me in the head while I was sleeping... Man.
I guess the one bright spot is the fact that I'm almost done with WDKY11. o_O It feels uncannily fast, even for me... so I'm wondering if maybe I've just been rushing through it, based on the span of time that it's been from when I posted WDKY9 and WDKY10 (nearly 3 months, right? Something ridiculous like that). That or the fact that I just want to update this chapter and get it out of there. That's a bad thing-- I don't like to rush my work, because it means I'm going about it half-assed. I have to get ahold of at least ONE of my betas so they can go over 11 with a fine-toothed comb.
But then, Guilt returns. Mike was good at bringing guilt back to me, as was Joe, and now... my own self. How pathetic. I choose what I feel and everything, but sometimes this stuff just comes up out of the blue. I know that fic writers and betas have real lives, and you can't expect anyone to have this obligation to look at your stuff, on their own time, for whatever reason. I don't expect anything of anyone... I can't afford to. Still, if Mamono, Atlantis, or Harlequine find themselves with some free time on their hands, they know where to find me. Truth: I haven't heard from Atlantis or Harley in a LONG while, and I am kinda wondering, but not to the point of being pushy or annoying.
School's started for most people, so... yeah. Who knows, maybe I'll just stare at my monitor until my muse smacks me and everything works out. There were days when I did my own beta'ing (even though I look back on those works with disdain... *cough* Only 16 *cough*), so there's no reason why I can't do it again. Live and learn...
Now to CAD class. Stupid Base Plate.
Still, I have people around me who bolster my confidence. On the flip side, they don't realize it when they upset me, and I'm just too... "something" to say anything about it. I can either be blunt and honest and come off as a cruel, heartless, insensitive bitch, or I can attempt to be tactful, creating awkwardness and possibly embarrassing myself further. I'm good at that.
Yesterday I actually talked to Harry more than anyone else I've spoken or otherwise contacted (back from SF) in a long while. It was kind of nice, albeit unexpected, and somewhat strange. Funny, I never would have imagined I could carry on a 40 minute conversation with him, but I did! I even got my math homework done in the process, so it's even MORE weird.
I talked to Dad for a brief spot as well-- and got some tips for CAD class (which I'm in right now; 3 minutes till class start time, and I want to get drawing 3-3 finished already!). Plus, some sad news-- Bloop (the cat) died. Got hit by a car. I don't know how that's possible; she was an indoor cat, for the most part, and even when she was outside, everything is narrow rock pathways and slow-moving vehicles. How...? But what's the point of questioning, I guess? Why does anyone die, why does anything change? It's part of life, and there's no point second-guessing. Hindsight is 20/20...
I'm still sad though. I mean, yeah, I'm allergic to cats, but I love them to bits anyway, and though I didn't exactly "have" Bloop, I still liked her a lot. She was cute and playful, and very pretty. Even if she did bonk me in the head while I was sleeping... Man.
I guess the one bright spot is the fact that I'm almost done with WDKY11. o_O It feels uncannily fast, even for me... so I'm wondering if maybe I've just been rushing through it, based on the span of time that it's been from when I posted WDKY9 and WDKY10 (nearly 3 months, right? Something ridiculous like that). That or the fact that I just want to update this chapter and get it out of there. That's a bad thing-- I don't like to rush my work, because it means I'm going about it half-assed. I have to get ahold of at least ONE of my betas so they can go over 11 with a fine-toothed comb.
But then, Guilt returns. Mike was good at bringing guilt back to me, as was Joe, and now... my own self. How pathetic. I choose what I feel and everything, but sometimes this stuff just comes up out of the blue. I know that fic writers and betas have real lives, and you can't expect anyone to have this obligation to look at your stuff, on their own time, for whatever reason. I don't expect anything of anyone... I can't afford to. Still, if Mamono, Atlantis, or Harlequine find themselves with some free time on their hands, they know where to find me. Truth: I haven't heard from Atlantis or Harley in a LONG while, and I am kinda wondering, but not to the point of being pushy or annoying.
School's started for most people, so... yeah. Who knows, maybe I'll just stare at my monitor until my muse smacks me and everything works out. There were days when I did my own beta'ing (even though I look back on those works with disdain... *cough* Only 16 *cough*), so there's no reason why I can't do it again. Live and learn...
Now to CAD class. Stupid Base Plate.
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^^; Let's try this again...
Date: 2004-09-09 11:49 pm (UTC)^^; Heh, again(LJ is mean and didn't post my comment. :/) Sorry if I've been transparent as of late. I thought I was ontop of things this week till I find out everything I need to get done *tonight!* ...And here I am online... I should be bashed over the head for this. ^^;
Anyway - All this crap will be over with tomorrow and I'm free~ So I'll be sure to bug you. ;D
^^ And Beta reading? *ANYTIME!* Seriously, poke, pester(or just email), and I'll come running. ^^ I can't believe you're already close to done with WDKY11!! Hazzah! That's wonderful!
^^ Of course - same goes for chatting as long as I'm not currently dug into a sea of homework that I thought I had been caught up in. (*cough* 'nuff on that.)
Aw, I'm sorry about Bloop. Poor Kitty. And, that name- cutest name I've ever heard of! Bloop...<3
Re: ^^; Let's try this again...
Date: 2004-09-11 09:29 pm (UTC)I'm online now, and I'm going to swing on AIM/MSN soon... so maybe we can chat? ^_^ I'm thinking of a new layout for both Darkness Rising (the KaibaCorp one is being mean to me) and Blue Eyes and Apricots (I need a theme idea), so we could tinker with that, or with the skins ideas for Dragonfayth.
WDKY11 is trudging along; if you wanna see what I have so far, lemme know... it might need some serious work, it might not... *shrug* But actually, I'm getting back into TRC. -_-; I'm sure Kysra would be thrilled, but when I looked at what I have of that so far, I went "WDKY" on the fic-- that is to say, I started planning like crazy. I still need to figure out a sequence of events for that fic.
Finally, I'll be glad to help you with any homework but Math (EVIL!!) and German (I know not of German, but of Japanese alone...). ^_^
Thanks for the condolences, btw... Bloop *is* a cute name. :)
Re: ^^; Let's try this again...
Date: 2004-09-11 10:18 pm (UTC)Sure, I'd love to see what you have so far....:D
Oooh...TRC? *grin*
^^ Hehe, thanks, if I have questions, I'll ask... ^_~
guilt
Date: 2004-09-11 06:22 am (UTC)Anyway, happy to hear the week's over, same here. I had to drop a class, but then I added a different one. Guess what!! I'm now taking 3 language classes: Italian at city college on weekends, German at Cal, and Continuing Russian at Cal as well. So total, I have 23 units for all 6 of my classes...see, that would keep one from feeling guilty for ANYTHING!!! Time is money, wasting time on guilt is bad! lol...
Anyway, later. Goodnight.
Re: guilt
Date: 2004-09-11 09:24 pm (UTC)*snicker* But yes, distraction. I'm slowly but surely coming up with more modes of distraction. The way I see it, if I'm not around the people that "make" me feel guilty, then I can't think about it. I just hope that theory pans out. :)
Re: guilt
Date: 2004-09-12 07:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-11 05:54 pm (UTC)..You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about, and you're never alone or ignored. Take me for example, people ddo read your stuff, and it's never an obligation. If it is, fuck 'em, no one makes no one do anything, so don't ever let people bring you down. And if they do, i'll just bring you back up, m'kay ^_^.
Like you said, live and learn.
(..I hope I made sense)
-Amber
no subject
Date: 2004-09-11 05:57 pm (UTC)heheh >_^