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What am I doing wrong?
Jan. 10th, 2007 06:53 amWoke up about a half hour ago because of a nightmare. So if I turn the heat off before I go to sleep, or set it on a timer, I wake up freezing. If I leave it on, I either wake up with a headache or feeling like aliens injected my brains with drugs.
In the dream, I was back at Baba & Grandpa's house, and Baba said something about me keeping my dog calm because Dad was coming over. In this, my dog was Perkins (a Gordon Setter), but female rather than male (as he was IRL). And apparently Perkins can turn into a very mean, face-eating dog when scared. So I started taking all the old pictures that hung in the rec room bathroom and barricaded that room with them. There was also a random block of heavy wood, which I covered with an ugly, thin comforter (peach, with some sort of white art deco design on it) from MY MOM'S HOUSE. Not that it would have made a difference-- it still looked like a block of wood, and why would anyone barricade a bathroom door with picture frames, anyway?
I remember seeing out the window, a champagne colored sedan (which my Dad has never owned), and retreating into the bathroom with Perkins, trying to keep her calm by petting her over and over on the head, even though she was starting to look around wildly and growl-- which was giving us away in the dark, cold bathroom.
And I heard the front door slam, and footsteps come toward us (all giant like, BOOM BOOM BOOM) and I just remember being scared that my own dog was going to eat me, or my Dad, or my Dad was going to kill us both.
...WHAT THE HELL?!
Well on the bright side, there's a part on WDKY25 about fear and nightmares that now I think I will be able to write. But still, WHAT THE HELL?!
And to add on to the mind-fuckery, about 5 minutes ago someone from Worcester, Massachusetts (I don't know anyone from Worcester, Massachusetts!) tried to call me ON MY CELL PHONE. And being somewhat freaked out due to the nightmare and not remembering how to cancel/ignore a call without opening the flip top, I did-- and it connected. So you can bet that even if I was connected for ONE STINKIN' SECOND, T-Mobile will charge me the international rate for the whole damn minute. And I don't know if people have been leaving me voice mails on my cell voicemail lately, but I don't want to pay the exorbitant amount to check! All the important people should have my Skype number anyway... (which expires on the 14th, damn).
But seriously now, what am I doing to deserve this? I can't sleep, my back or head is always hurting, and everything I do, I either get easily distracted from, blocked in, or I'm simply not satisfied with it. And yet I'm TRYING, it's really not for lack of effort or research or anything on my part. I've been trying new foods, going new places, doing my best to understand people in their native language, socializing more, keeping clean, keeping somewhat healthy, getting ready to go back to the States, preparing for all my classes -I finished that godforsaken Media paper, but I'M NOT HAPPY WITH IT!- and I'm JUST NOT SATISFIED.
Scott's right-- I wanted my last month here to be easy too, but nothing's working out like that. And I'm back to being awake, stressed out, and frankly, my chest really hurts and I'm getting sick of sounding like I'm making excuses for something that even I don't understand WHY it's happening! (And much as the idea of sleeping in --again-- tempts me, I'm actually quite sick of being holed up here in the dorms, saying I'm getting stuff done but never feeling like I'm accomplishing anything, no matter what I do. I'm also sick of transmitting those excuses onto my teacher, because even if they are legitimate, it doesn't change the fact that I need to be in class to learn and get a good grade.)
In the dream, I was back at Baba & Grandpa's house, and Baba said something about me keeping my dog calm because Dad was coming over. In this, my dog was Perkins (a Gordon Setter), but female rather than male (as he was IRL). And apparently Perkins can turn into a very mean, face-eating dog when scared. So I started taking all the old pictures that hung in the rec room bathroom and barricaded that room with them. There was also a random block of heavy wood, which I covered with an ugly, thin comforter (peach, with some sort of white art deco design on it) from MY MOM'S HOUSE. Not that it would have made a difference-- it still looked like a block of wood, and why would anyone barricade a bathroom door with picture frames, anyway?
I remember seeing out the window, a champagne colored sedan (which my Dad has never owned), and retreating into the bathroom with Perkins, trying to keep her calm by petting her over and over on the head, even though she was starting to look around wildly and growl-- which was giving us away in the dark, cold bathroom.
And I heard the front door slam, and footsteps come toward us (all giant like, BOOM BOOM BOOM) and I just remember being scared that my own dog was going to eat me, or my Dad, or my Dad was going to kill us both.
...WHAT THE HELL?!
Well on the bright side, there's a part on WDKY25 about fear and nightmares that now I think I will be able to write. But still, WHAT THE HELL?!
And to add on to the mind-fuckery, about 5 minutes ago someone from Worcester, Massachusetts (I don't know anyone from Worcester, Massachusetts!) tried to call me ON MY CELL PHONE. And being somewhat freaked out due to the nightmare and not remembering how to cancel/ignore a call without opening the flip top, I did-- and it connected. So you can bet that even if I was connected for ONE STINKIN' SECOND, T-Mobile will charge me the international rate for the whole damn minute. And I don't know if people have been leaving me voice mails on my cell voicemail lately, but I don't want to pay the exorbitant amount to check! All the important people should have my Skype number anyway... (which expires on the 14th, damn).
But seriously now, what am I doing to deserve this? I can't sleep, my back or head is always hurting, and everything I do, I either get easily distracted from, blocked in, or I'm simply not satisfied with it. And yet I'm TRYING, it's really not for lack of effort or research or anything on my part. I've been trying new foods, going new places, doing my best to understand people in their native language, socializing more, keeping clean, keeping somewhat healthy, getting ready to go back to the States, preparing for all my classes -I finished that godforsaken Media paper, but I'M NOT HAPPY WITH IT!- and I'm JUST NOT SATISFIED.
Scott's right-- I wanted my last month here to be easy too, but nothing's working out like that. And I'm back to being awake, stressed out, and frankly, my chest really hurts and I'm getting sick of sounding like I'm making excuses for something that even I don't understand WHY it's happening! (And much as the idea of sleeping in --again-- tempts me, I'm actually quite sick of being holed up here in the dorms, saying I'm getting stuff done but never feeling like I'm accomplishing anything, no matter what I do. I'm also sick of transmitting those excuses onto my teacher, because even if they are legitimate, it doesn't change the fact that I need to be in class to learn and get a good grade.)
