One day I'll fly away

Okay, so this is my first official post-break-up post that is NOT security-locked. Yay me.
I've gotten to the stage where I don't care so much who hears about the fact that Scott and I have broken up, though the words "I broke up with him" have been on the edge of my lips for a while now, even though it's a complete lie. But whatever, if people want to judge me undateable by whether or not someone else breaks up with me, then let them-- they're not worth my time anyway.

Yesterday was my first day not being hysterical and depressed at every left corner; today was not so bad, though I did start crying midway through doing dishes at Jamba (and our assistant GM, E, is one of those nice but scarily-dedicated girls who has a tendency of freaking me out with her commitment to Jamba) because two of the girls from my hiring group (J & B) saw this little post it I made with a broken heart, a RIP and "S & M 9/1/04-7/28/05 Almost 11 months!" thing on it. J didn't seem quite as understanding (I think she's either bi or swinging toward lesbian) but B was nice about it... still, I never get that involved with any co-workers to the point where I'll tell them jack-squat about my personal life (unless they happen to find my email or website or MySpace or some shit).

I got off work at 4 and bolted out of there; David and Baba came and had some smoothies (I gave each smoothie 50% off, but I have yet to get in trouble for it... I had a perfect reg anyway, so NYAH!) and then we went home to change for Adam's bar mitzvah. Adam is my 2nd cousin, as far as I've figured out; he's my dad's cousin's son. If it's through marriage, he MIGHT be my 2nd cousin once removed, right? Anyway, he's grown up a lot since we've last seen each other --he's like 5'9" now, and only 13-- but he's cute and set on the path to being a charming ladies man.

As a rule, bar mitzvah services tend to be boring for me-- I'm never all that related to the people getting mitzvahed (Erin, David, Josh, and Sam were the only ones in our immediate family to have mitzvahs, and I went to all of them but Josh's, but was still a relative "audience member"). On top of that, I'm not "that Jewish," and I can't speak or read Hebrew. So when everyone from our family (Neal, Joyce, Grandpa, Baba, Dan, and Joanne) all got up for the aliyah, my name was NOT called even though I was an invited guest, and since I didn't speak a bit of Hebrew, I decided it would be pointless for me to go. No one gestured me to follow anyway... and I stayed put in that empty row, all by myself.

I didn't feel supremely stupid until everyone asked me why I didn't go up there with them; I told them flat out that I didn't know I was supposed to be there with them, I would have been out of place... and on top of that, the beema was really small, too. And even though being included in some distant relative's bar mitzvah really didn't matter THAT much to me, it was the fact that I was all alone in that row, and I felt horribly forgotten, alone, and misunderstood. Supremely stupid, for not having any kind of spiritual guidance, for always getting worked up and emotional in any kind of service (weddings, funerals, whatever) and... on top of that, for not being able to stop thinking about Scott ALL. DAMN. DAY.

I hated myself for it.

Surprisingly, my slightly-younger cousin David (Joyce and Neal's son) seemed to understand, and was nicely comforting. Apparently Baba and Grandpa told everyone what happened anyway, and the only one who really brought it up explicitly was Dan (odd, because he's the uncle I really never talk to) and he said something surprising and going against what Certain Other People have advised- he said "don't burn your bridges," meaning I should stay in contact with Scott, stay friends with him-- I don't think he's saying that from example, since everyone knows he doesn't get along with his ex-wife (and mother of his children), Becky. Same goes for my dad and mom, so maybe he just wants me to avoid that kind of idiocy and potential heartache-- though a divorce break-up is a lot different from an almost-11-months relationship break-up.

Who knows what'll happen in the next few days, the next few weeks-- I want to throw myself into cleaning and organizing and shopping, but of course work is being annoying and worming itself into my schedule, too. If my school schedule turns out to be too much, I just may quit even if I do get a transfer to CSUN's Jamba, but I *will* hang onto the Red Robin job if I can get that.

I don't know if/when Scott will contact me-- and I was tempted to TM him today and say "I hate this. I can't stop thinking about you," but frankly that just comes off as... bad. Wrong, icky, and downright FANFICCY. Speaking of fanficcy, despite my predisposition to not want to do much of anything lately --eat, sleep, write, or otherwise-- I think this whole angsty depression I'm feeling will channel well for WDKY18. Not that I'm going to say much more on THAT subject...

I have eaten a bit more today than I have the past few days, though I had next to no appetite at the bar mitzvah. I had some broccoli, part of a potato wedge, a lemon ice, some white wine (blech!), 3/4 of a buttered roll, and some Hershey's nuggets. Frankly I thought if I talked about how I'd been eating the past couple of days, I'd come off as sounding like those girls I HATE-- the girls that Andrea of "The Devil Wears Prada" (great book, just finished reading it a few minutes ago) hates as well. You know pro-ana or whatever, like mimicking those nasty Calvin Klein models is their life's great aspiration. (And this is coming from a skinny white girl who HATES her thighs and ass, but still weighs in at an annoyingly low 98 pounds.)

And sleep is coming to me easier too, though more out of sheer exhaustion than my desire to cuddle into a warm bed and actually sleep. I keep wishing these past several days will have been a horrible nightmare, but...

Reviews and LJ comments almost always cheer me up. Like I said before, I truly am blessed to have people that care about me in this world, even though sometimes I do feel alone, very stupid, and very worthless. One day I'll fly away from all that I've taken for granted, it's true-- but people are right when they say I have so much more to do and see, and I think it's something everyone needs to do at one time or another. Big cities like LA and San Francisco just put this innate desire to "get away" in you, and 500 miles is never far enough. I am still a bit lost in regards to what I want to do and where I want to go exactly-- but the how I'm going to do it is pretty set in stone, so I'm glad. I'll take these things one step at a time.

Anyhow, David's starting to snore and all, so I'm going to head upstairs and try to sleep... or something. Tomorrow-- shopping!