Googlicious

Okay, so there's been some wangst, some romance, some action, and there will be some adventure. Now you all know I'm not kidding when I say "My life is a fanfiction." Seriously. All I need is eyes that take up 2/3 of my face. Extreme Makeover, much?

( swiped it from MK-mama )

You wanna know what's creepy? Okay, maybe I should rewind just a skosh:
Yesterday I was in a fantastic mood for the better part of the day, and even though I was busy downloading, writing, and procrastinating, I got a few more ideas for WDKY16 into my head, including that some inspirational music might be of the Savage Garden nature. Also weird, because I discovered SD through some fantastic old-school Sailor Moon AMVs-- anyone remember the ones I'm talking about? There was Chibiusa/Black Lady and Hotaru/Mistress 9 to "Break Me, Shake Me," but also Serenity and Endymion to "Carry On Dancing." Good songs, those. So the songs also got me looking back at old fics of mine, wanting to revise and rewrite and make my pages all spifferlicious.

In case you caught the "better part of the day" line from above, you'll realize my good mood deflated like a balloon. Scott asked me if I wanted to go with him to run some errands-- I didn't really want nor intend to, but why not enjoy a nice sunny day-- since it's been so rare for SoCal lately? So I put on a skirt and sandals (!) and we left. We ran around and went to Ritz Camera and Whole Foods first, but once we got to WF, Scott pretty much seemed to lose interest in my presence. I mean, why was I there in the first place? I didn't feel very useful or anything at the camera store, but I at least spotted some cute scrapbooks and a new kit that I want to get. But at the market, Scott just went off and did his own thing, leaving me alone to wander and sample gluten-free cheesecake. *sigh* I spent some time hunting around the beauty section, trying out lotions, oils, and shea butter-- still no Scott passing by. I finally gave up and hunted him down, and I ended up trailing behind him like some sort of lost puppy. Needless to say, it irritated me that he couldn't ask me to help out. But then, he probably thinks that I wouldn't know soy milk from goat cheese.

We dropped the groceries off at home and stuck around for a while, and Scott suggested I go out with him for some more driving training. Oddly enough, I agreed. (If you know me well, you'll know I hate the idea of driving. I know I NEED to learn, but it still scares the hell out of me.) I changed into some Converse and met Scott in his room. He was on the phone, so I just laid on the bed and admired my legs in the closet mirror. No crime there, right? Scott started to play with my legs while was on the phone-- and I totally didn't mind at all. I was glad for once that he was being somewhat flirty and playful. But after the fact when he joined me on the bed, he pretty much became the Uber Jerk. Okay, not really, but he lacked tact in brushing me off and saying he didn't feel well and wasn't in the mood for anything. It's not like I would have made him do anything, yeesh! I was just being playful! Well, dumb boy that he is/was/whatever, he tried to do one of those lame apologetic kisses.

For the record, a heartfelt "I'm sorry" works a lot more for me than a pathetic "I'm kissing you because I'm sorry and I don't know why" kiss. My problem has, any maybe still is, that I take things too personally, and make a big deal out of things that aren't or shouldn't be, and hell, maybe I read too much into other people's actions, expressions, and words, but... it's not easy changing! It's not easy saying everything you feel when you feel it (like, 'that really hurt my feelings.') or telling someone when you want something, and you just wish they KNEW because aren't you being blatantly obvious ENOUGH!?

So I brushed him off, left the room in a sulk. My good mood was gone. I guess I could have told him I hated how he reacted to me, and he needs some more tact-- but there's a part of me that really idealizes and maybe even idolizes Scott. I'm no super-optimist; I'm a realist, I'd think, but I still consider that Scott's older, a bit wiser, and probably more mature. I've changed since being with him, slow but steady changes, and Scott has too-- just a bit slower, and a bit more subtle. He still can't be emotional about certain things. It's easy to tell when he's irritated, upset, or angry, but when he's in a good mood (and I mean a specific good mood, like happy, pleased, satisfied, content, etc.) it's so much harder to tell! He just can't be emotional, and he seems to think I should give up on him ever meeting that "acceptance standard" of mine. He's not here to meet my expectations, and I guess it's easy for him not to have any of me, but geez, it sounds a bit impossible on my end!

Anyhow, we never did go driving-- we just sat in the parking lot talking for two hours. A lot came out-- and at one point, I was considering saying that if I cause him so much stress and frustration with how I react when he upsets me (walking out, as opposed to telling him 'that hurt,' and why) then maybe we should take a break. The thought made me cry so hard, but it was one of those quiet cries where I don't end up with three-hour hiccups after the fact. But it never got to that point, and I'm glad.

I'd like to think we've sort of sorted out what happened yesterday-- I have to remember and stick to my resolutions of telling him when he upsets me when he does so, and why. I have to remember he's not psychic, and won't know when I want something. He might be able to read my expressions and moods like a book, but those are not my thoughts, so I have to tell him what I'm thinking. I hope on his end, he can learn to be a bit more tactful, and ask me more questions so I don't always feel like I'm the one on the spot. I hope he can learn to be a BIT more emotionally open with me, just because it's ME. I'm not asking him to gush into waterworks, I'm asking him to tell me what he feels without sounding like Ben Stein!

I'm sort of unsure where we are right now, because we seem to fluctuate so wildly. He worked on his power point presentation for today until the midnight hour, while I was still downloading, watching Yu-Gi-Oh, TRYING to watch Rooster Teeth's "The Strangerhood," (failed, btw. Something's wrong with episode 1.) and re-reading the atrocity that is my Ranma story "Peaches and Cream: The Togenkyo Island Adventures." I went up to say good night to him, and he was already curled up in bed-- he'd gotten my flash card to work (after many trials and errors with his eebil Mac) and wanted me to lay with him "for a sec." Well, a sec turned into about 10 minutes, and 10 into 20... He wanted to switch the light out, which surprised me-- normally he says that when I'm in bed with him, he doesn't get a good night's sleep (gee, thanks). So obviously since he had this big presentation early in the morning, and he was already stressed and frustrated (presumably still with/at me) I didn't know why he wanted me to stay.

Go figure. If men will never understand the female psyche, women will never understand the male mindset.

So I went back to my room, turned off my lights, and returned to Scott. It was nice. We just fell asleep. I didn't wake up during the night-- only when Scott was getting up to go, around 6:30, and then again around 7:30. He even kissed me goodbye (!) and told me he loved me. I really don't get it. Sometimes he can be totally sweet, and other times I want to throttle him like a Bobble Head doll!

I'm so unsure and weirded out right now... class got out extremely early, so I'm just parked here until 1:45 or so, when I can leave and head to the Involvement Center for the Matathon meeting. I'm avoiding spending any cash on anything besides immediate necessities, so I'll probably end up walking home for lunch. I want to restart my BitTorrent download, since Grandpa shut down the computer this morning! >_