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*sigh* Damn, what a weekend. Let's go over it in a nutshell, shall we?
(1) Decent Thanksgiving in Fresno. A bit lonely and cold, but okay.
(2) Fight with Shaina! but it blew over the next morning.
(3) Long, boring ride home. All alone. Scott didn't call until late that evening, and he finally came over around 7ish.
(4) After we hit up Chili's and Rite Aid for dinner and dessert good (mm, Danish butter cookies!) I got a call from Baba-- Grandpa's in the hospital in Fresno. Something with his heart? We don't know, they're doing tests.
(5) I'm antsy from there on out. Thank goddess for Scott. He was working on his paper, and I was playing FFX and folding laundry. By 1am, we were both tired and nearly done (or as done as you can be on a 12-page art history paper and FFX), so we went to sleep... I finally calmed down by then.
(6) Next morning (that is, today) I got a call saying there was one more test to be had, and they'd try to be back in the evening. I'm feeling better now that THEY'RE feeling better, so I'm relaxed.
(7) The house is pretty much void of food, but Scott's a doll and made me some eggs. I also nibbled on some applesauce and a banana, and later on, I had some toast and a bit of homemade pasta soup. For some reason, after eating we're both always very energetic (and in my case, I'd felt close to fainting before I'd eaten-- Scott pesters me as much as Baba about eating!) so we made good use of that energy... ^_^
(8) But afterwards, Scott just had to go and mention leaving. That is, graduating, going bye-bye, leaving me behind. These kinds of things, while all about him chasing his dream, getting out of college after all this time, and traveling like he's always wanted to, depress me. I don't like looking at the big picture or the inevitable future, because there's always a "me alone" somewhere in that equation.
Especially with Grandpa being sick and possibly on his deathbed, that got me thinking. I know they're old and they'll die. My first thoughts revolve on how I can be strong for Baba, how I can help her take care of the house, herself, and everything. Then I think about my Dad and my aunts and uncles; I think about my cousin. I'm somewhere after all that-- the person who, OH YEAH! lives here, relies on the housing and the occasional spot of money. I rely on the shelter, the electricity, the water, the food. If Grandpa died, I'd have to move out-- probably back to San Francisco. -_-;
I put myself second because it's what I'm used to. I need to be the rock, the stronghold, the anchor for everyone else. Not because they're weak, but because it's what I'm used to, what they're used to... inside, I'm all cracked up and broken, though. I've always wanted someone who put ME first, who, even if it'd seem weird to me at first, would pester me about ME! I guess this comes from having a semi-distant set of parents who didn't seem to take much interest in my life when I needed it the most (in my teenage years).
Well, I shut myself off from Scott because as my mom's always said, "you are control of your own feelings and reactions." I figured I was the idiot, the bad person, the dumb ass who felt this way, who couldn't handle the fact that Scott would be graduating, the person who, despite being so close to him and knowing his joy and passion of photography, couldn't be happy for him going out into the big wide world and PURSUING that.
I tried, really.
Scott didn't seem to get it. I wanted him to guess, because in my view, it's always screamingly obvious. I don't like thinking about the future-- good or bad. You get your hopes up if you think about the good, and you get depressed if you think about the bad. Where's the sense in any of that? After a bit, Scott said something rather dumb (of course, I can't even recall what it is right now), but I shot back (venomously, mind you. I was feeling very mean): "Practice what you preach." I grabbed my clothes and stalked off to the bathroom.
Of course, once there, I burst into tears. I wanted Scott to just go in there and hug me or something, but he didn't. He knocked on the door after a bit, and I said, "do what you want," but he didn't come in. I got sick of the cold and the stupid way I looked, so I shut off the light. I was trying to calm down in the dark, and I finally left... Scott was right outside, but he didn't grab my wrist or anything. I made it halfway up the stairs to my room before I just collapsed and I started crying again.
This isn't like me, you know! Yeah, you know. You probably do, anyway.
Somehow I ended up in my room and Scott and I just started talking-- there in the dark. See, Scott doesn't talk much, so when he does I'm supposed to look at it as a good thing. I resist interrupting or disagreeing with him right off the bat; I'm supposed to be grateful he's NOT closing himself off to me like he usually does. Hypocrisy, isn't it? How I close myself off to him...
What it came down to was the truth (I hide it, but I do not lie): I can't stand him always talking about leaving, I hate thinking about that. He's been so romantic at times, saying he hopes we're together a long time, that he loves me... *sigh* And so on? I have to try and be a skeptic, given my track record. But I have to start accepting that fact. I have to start thinking ("not selfishly, but") for myself, and my happiness. Seeing the silver lining, I suppose.
The thing I didn't tell Scott? Of all the failures and horrible experiences and Things I Can't Seem To Let Go Of, I've not ONCE felt the connection like I have with him. I've never been able to look at anyone and see my whole life right there. That's frighteningly scary for me at this point, having only been with him just shy of three months. And yet, I have this twisted fantasy (which I did tell him) where when he graduates, I just give him a big hug, and he whispers "Come with me" in my ear, and I do. We end up leaving the U.S. together, going off and doing OUR thing. He's the only guy where, if an "accident" did happen, I wouldn't rush to the nearest clinic and get an abortion. I'm really starting to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that if I did get pregnant with him, I'd keep it. I told him that, too.
I mean... good god, this is me? I feel like I've changed a great deal from how I used to be, but I'm still tottering on the edge. I don't want to be that depressed, suicidal, unmotivated, unsure girl I was in junior high. I don't want to be closed off and angry at the world. I should be able to be responsible and mature, but also realize that plenty of things involve two people, and therefore if I feel a certain way about something, I should tell him!
Right?
Anyway, Baba came home tonight --alone-- with Fred and Susy, who have since headed back to San Diego. Fred and Scott talked a bit, since Fred owns a production company in Mission Valley, and maybe might have some work for Scott in the future. After that, Scott went home to deal with drama between his roommates, and here I am... still in this weird mood, wondering what's going to happen.
I have to start "exuding happiness," or trying to find my own personal happiness or something. It feels kind of like a seedling, to be honest-- a bit of me I know is there. Scott says he sees it when I stop and smell the roses (literally) or I dance under the moon... but it needs to be there in all of me, radiate from me when I speak, and everything. I have the right to cry, be angry, be afraid and lonely... but not let that control me, and make me think negatively. It's a one-step-at-a-time process. Maybe I should just start thinking of my life as a fanfiction gone awry; I'm a self-insert in a fantastic drama made for the WB!
Anywho, I'm chipping away at FFX; I have yet to get most of the Celestial Sigils (I got Rikku's and Auron's), but Kimahri's and Tidus's will prove hardest of all. The Omega Dungeon (esp. those damn Mimics and Demonoliths) is a pain; I don't have enough armor that protects against ALL those ailments (esp. Poison, Curse, Zombie, Confusion, Stone, and Darkness!). I got Yojimbo, finally, but he's practically 100% useless. Even with Auron's Masamune or Muramase or whatever Legendary Weapon it is, he doesn't do over 9999 HP damage with each hit. I mean yeesh, how much do I have to pay the Mofo for a decent attack!?
Also, where do I get Purifying Salts for a No Encounter armor? I'm tempted to just try and go Inside Sin right now, to get the last item I need from Kilika to open up Baaj to get Anima to go to Belgemine to get the Magus Sisters to get the Moon Sigil to activate Nirvana to beat the Omega Dungeon... blah blah, blah.
Where's all my email?
(1) Decent Thanksgiving in Fresno. A bit lonely and cold, but okay.
(2) Fight with Shaina! but it blew over the next morning.
(3) Long, boring ride home. All alone. Scott didn't call until late that evening, and he finally came over around 7ish.
(4) After we hit up Chili's and Rite Aid for dinner and dessert good (mm, Danish butter cookies!) I got a call from Baba-- Grandpa's in the hospital in Fresno. Something with his heart? We don't know, they're doing tests.
(5) I'm antsy from there on out. Thank goddess for Scott. He was working on his paper, and I was playing FFX and folding laundry. By 1am, we were both tired and nearly done (or as done as you can be on a 12-page art history paper and FFX), so we went to sleep... I finally calmed down by then.
(6) Next morning (that is, today) I got a call saying there was one more test to be had, and they'd try to be back in the evening. I'm feeling better now that THEY'RE feeling better, so I'm relaxed.
(7) The house is pretty much void of food, but Scott's a doll and made me some eggs. I also nibbled on some applesauce and a banana, and later on, I had some toast and a bit of homemade pasta soup. For some reason, after eating we're both always very energetic (and in my case, I'd felt close to fainting before I'd eaten-- Scott pesters me as much as Baba about eating!) so we made good use of that energy... ^_^
(8) But afterwards, Scott just had to go and mention leaving. That is, graduating, going bye-bye, leaving me behind. These kinds of things, while all about him chasing his dream, getting out of college after all this time, and traveling like he's always wanted to, depress me. I don't like looking at the big picture or the inevitable future, because there's always a "me alone" somewhere in that equation.
Especially with Grandpa being sick and possibly on his deathbed, that got me thinking. I know they're old and they'll die. My first thoughts revolve on how I can be strong for Baba, how I can help her take care of the house, herself, and everything. Then I think about my Dad and my aunts and uncles; I think about my cousin. I'm somewhere after all that-- the person who, OH YEAH! lives here, relies on the housing and the occasional spot of money. I rely on the shelter, the electricity, the water, the food. If Grandpa died, I'd have to move out-- probably back to San Francisco. -_-;
I put myself second because it's what I'm used to. I need to be the rock, the stronghold, the anchor for everyone else. Not because they're weak, but because it's what I'm used to, what they're used to... inside, I'm all cracked up and broken, though. I've always wanted someone who put ME first, who, even if it'd seem weird to me at first, would pester me about ME! I guess this comes from having a semi-distant set of parents who didn't seem to take much interest in my life when I needed it the most (in my teenage years).
Well, I shut myself off from Scott because as my mom's always said, "you are control of your own feelings and reactions." I figured I was the idiot, the bad person, the dumb ass who felt this way, who couldn't handle the fact that Scott would be graduating, the person who, despite being so close to him and knowing his joy and passion of photography, couldn't be happy for him going out into the big wide world and PURSUING that.
I tried, really.
Scott didn't seem to get it. I wanted him to guess, because in my view, it's always screamingly obvious. I don't like thinking about the future-- good or bad. You get your hopes up if you think about the good, and you get depressed if you think about the bad. Where's the sense in any of that? After a bit, Scott said something rather dumb (of course, I can't even recall what it is right now), but I shot back (venomously, mind you. I was feeling very mean): "Practice what you preach." I grabbed my clothes and stalked off to the bathroom.
Of course, once there, I burst into tears. I wanted Scott to just go in there and hug me or something, but he didn't. He knocked on the door after a bit, and I said, "do what you want," but he didn't come in. I got sick of the cold and the stupid way I looked, so I shut off the light. I was trying to calm down in the dark, and I finally left... Scott was right outside, but he didn't grab my wrist or anything. I made it halfway up the stairs to my room before I just collapsed and I started crying again.
This isn't like me, you know! Yeah, you know. You probably do, anyway.
Somehow I ended up in my room and Scott and I just started talking-- there in the dark. See, Scott doesn't talk much, so when he does I'm supposed to look at it as a good thing. I resist interrupting or disagreeing with him right off the bat; I'm supposed to be grateful he's NOT closing himself off to me like he usually does. Hypocrisy, isn't it? How I close myself off to him...
What it came down to was the truth (I hide it, but I do not lie): I can't stand him always talking about leaving, I hate thinking about that. He's been so romantic at times, saying he hopes we're together a long time, that he loves me... *sigh* And so on? I have to try and be a skeptic, given my track record. But I have to start accepting that fact. I have to start thinking ("not selfishly, but") for myself, and my happiness. Seeing the silver lining, I suppose.
The thing I didn't tell Scott? Of all the failures and horrible experiences and Things I Can't Seem To Let Go Of, I've not ONCE felt the connection like I have with him. I've never been able to look at anyone and see my whole life right there. That's frighteningly scary for me at this point, having only been with him just shy of three months. And yet, I have this twisted fantasy (which I did tell him) where when he graduates, I just give him a big hug, and he whispers "Come with me" in my ear, and I do. We end up leaving the U.S. together, going off and doing OUR thing. He's the only guy where, if an "accident" did happen, I wouldn't rush to the nearest clinic and get an abortion. I'm really starting to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that if I did get pregnant with him, I'd keep it. I told him that, too.
I mean... good god, this is me? I feel like I've changed a great deal from how I used to be, but I'm still tottering on the edge. I don't want to be that depressed, suicidal, unmotivated, unsure girl I was in junior high. I don't want to be closed off and angry at the world. I should be able to be responsible and mature, but also realize that plenty of things involve two people, and therefore if I feel a certain way about something, I should tell him!
Right?
Anyway, Baba came home tonight --alone-- with Fred and Susy, who have since headed back to San Diego. Fred and Scott talked a bit, since Fred owns a production company in Mission Valley, and maybe might have some work for Scott in the future. After that, Scott went home to deal with drama between his roommates, and here I am... still in this weird mood, wondering what's going to happen.
I have to start "exuding happiness," or trying to find my own personal happiness or something. It feels kind of like a seedling, to be honest-- a bit of me I know is there. Scott says he sees it when I stop and smell the roses (literally) or I dance under the moon... but it needs to be there in all of me, radiate from me when I speak, and everything. I have the right to cry, be angry, be afraid and lonely... but not let that control me, and make me think negatively. It's a one-step-at-a-time process. Maybe I should just start thinking of my life as a fanfiction gone awry; I'm a self-insert in a fantastic drama made for the WB!
Anywho, I'm chipping away at FFX; I have yet to get most of the Celestial Sigils (I got Rikku's and Auron's), but Kimahri's and Tidus's will prove hardest of all. The Omega Dungeon (esp. those damn Mimics and Demonoliths) is a pain; I don't have enough armor that protects against ALL those ailments (esp. Poison, Curse, Zombie, Confusion, Stone, and Darkness!). I got Yojimbo, finally, but he's practically 100% useless. Even with Auron's Masamune or Muramase or whatever Legendary Weapon it is, he doesn't do over 9999 HP damage with each hit. I mean yeesh, how much do I have to pay the Mofo for a decent attack!?
Also, where do I get Purifying Salts for a No Encounter armor? I'm tempted to just try and go Inside Sin right now, to get the last item I need from Kilika to open up Baaj to get Anima to go to Belgemine to get the Magus Sisters to get the Moon Sigil to activate Nirvana to beat the Omega Dungeon... blah blah, blah.
Where's all my email?
