Wow wow wow oops...

I've taken another two "mental health days" yesterday and today-- yesterday my throat hurt like hell and I was feeling "puffy" for some reason, so I nagged Mom into letting me stay home. I pretty much played Star Ocean 2 all day, and totally zoomed through it, too-- I got up to round 31 in the Fun City Survival Battle before the Weirdavid ass-kicked me; I leveled up so much that it made the Field of Love look like piddly-squat. Of course, the scene at the end of the FoL was like... "@_@ what the hell does that have to do with love?" In any case, my game didn't freeze at all (THANK GOD!) and I got all the way up to Fienal, Part 2-- I already defeated 3 of the 10 Wise Men, and I gained some major insight into who and what they are. Call me obsessive to go this far, but it's an addictive story with tons of plot twists! *insane giggling* Whee, I can't wait to see what ending I might get...!

Around 3:30 or 4:00 I recieved the most startling phone call in a LONG time... no one will ever guess who. I've completely neglected to tell anyone about my father's side of the family, and everyone's kept the peace by not asking. Shockingly enough, one of my cousins from CenCal (Fresno, to be exact) called me yesterday. Her sister is getting married... and they're coming to San Francisco this Friday to go clubbing! They want me to come... and have dinner with them, too. >_> I'm supposed to talk to them online, but I have a feeling they're not on RIGHT now... It's only 12:30pm. In any case, I'm actually looking forward to it... there's just one itsy problem.

I signed up for that Wild Attack thing-- to be one of the score managers during the game, because last time Seigfred was overwhelmed. I'm supposed to do it with Christal this week-- and I have no idea what time it starts, and now that I've made this dinner date with my cousins whom I haven't seen in 5 years (or more!) I don't think I'll be able to do it. My cousins (Shaina and Brooke) are supposed to come here -to my house (EEEK! MUST DO RAMPANT CLEANING SPREE! HELP! HELP! HELP!)- around 6pm on Friday-- the time when I would normally already be on my way to RTA (not there YET, like the rest of ya'll, since I have a penchant for being "fashionably late"). -.- Gah. Shaina was nice enough to ask if I had any plans, but it wasn't until I hung up with her that I remembered the Wild Attack. crapcrapcrapcrap. >_< Can someone PLEASE tell Seigfred about this problem? I'm sure I'm not the only one not in the tournament who is for-sure (well, not now) coming to RTA this Friday, so please... help! If I knew just how long and where I'd be out with my cousins, I'd say I could make it, but I'd rather not take chances. It sucks that I'll be missing a real Bemani Night, but hopefully some people can understand me here.

One thing is for definite sure-- I am NOT cancelling Will's cooking final. So I suppose I'll be nagging him on Friday evening after I get home from dinner (I doubt my cousins will smuggle me to go "clubbing" with them, even though I've done it before) to come to my house from RTA-- either that, or stay over Saturday/Sunday. So here's everyone's advance notice, okay!?

1) WILL/AMBER - expect a call from me Friday night... if you don't get one, come to my house ASAP Saturday, and maybe stay over till Sunday afternoonish? ^_^

2) SEIGFRED - I doubt you actually read this dude, but to anyone that passes the message onto him, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell him to accept my deepest, sincerest apologies. Hopefully someone can take over my position for scorekeeper... and this doesn't seem a little late, since it *is* nearly a week's notice. *profuse bowing* Many apologies!

Hmm... okay, other stuff. Let's see... I found out why my forums weren't working... turns out that my onee-chan (read: the girl halfway across the country who I only know online who offerred to let me mooch off her domain space) used the mySQL for her journal. She apologized profusely for deleting mine, since she didn't know-- but since my forums weren't live (nor had they any one theme-- I had so many categories and threads it was ridiculous. I'd made it with the help of Eva, so it was very... uhm... "colorful?") I didn't care so much. She said when she transferred her domain this summer to theacademies.net (or something) there'd be plenty of mySQL to go around, and she had no problem with me continuing to leech off of her for free. ^_^ I feel bad about it, to be sure... and I've been going around investigating domain name registration and hosting costs. I think I need to talk to more people who actually know what the hell domains are about and such... onee-chan, Jeremy, etc. =D So my forums are going bye-bye, but that just gives me one more reason to keep working HARDER on my other pages. I even need to post a Under Construction page for every subsite. *sigh* So much work!

FictionPress.Net (here on out, FPnet) I believe is still in the works-- the layout is similar to FFnet, but they've removed the Anime/Manga category. For a while, I thought that was the stupidest thing they could have done, but now I'm not so sure-- after all, is there really such thing as an "original anime/manga?" There are stories, like my "Wandering Spirit" centered IN Japan, using Japanese names, and based off Japanese beliefs... but it's still more of a Supernatural story than an "Anime/Manga" one. Hmm. They're still disorganized, since there doesn't appear to be anything on the page explaining why you can't login, search, or do anythign else on the site that involves even a keystroke of typing. Hmph. And for the record, gray text on a white background IS HARD TO SEE!

Let's see... also on my agenda (in no particular order):
[1] Make one of my own surveys to pass around to everyone... and add to Surbeyholics!
[2] Finish working on that damn long-overdue AMV originally intended for Mike... who I haven't talked to in a LONG ass time
[3] Finish working on the new Peach Girl layout, and ESPECIALLY add the completed Part 1 of "Gold" and maybe more chapters of "My Song" to the Fanfiction section (and FFnet!) ... not to mention add all the summaries for Volumes 8-15 to the Story page.
[4] Kick more Ten Wise Men ass and get inspired for future parts of "Perfect World"
[5] RAMPANT CLEANING SPREE!
[6] Write down a list of all the questions I wanna ask Shaina and Brooke, because I'm sure to forget...
[7] Get people to sponsor me for the Playathon on March 7th
[8] Get Mom to get the damned Fanime hotel room already... sugar her up while I'm home sick ^_^
[9] Get people to go to my concert on March 13th (Thursday) at 7:30 PM at my school...

Mm, yeah. Around 3:00 today I'll be "sneaking" out to go to my Media Academy. Mom thinks because I was "too sick" to go to school, I shouldn't go to MA either... but I don't get paid to go to school, so nyah. =P Besides, if she comes home before I get back (which she likely will) there's not much she can do about it, short of grounding me-- and why would she do that, when I'm using the money I get from the class to pay for all the Fanime stuff!? Yeesh. Speaking of, I better go register some certain someones... and I better tail it to NboR now that it's up again, and take care of that Fanime groupie thing. Yep yep.

Nede ahoy!

Just Watch Me

Nope, these aren't quizzes, this is me ranting. This is me trying to be as level-headed, calm, and pure in thought as I can. Don't judge me and deem whether or not I've succeeded.

( i bleed because i'm sick of crying )

Somehow my thoughts go around in this circle-- I think, maybe if things had been different years ago, I wouldn't be the person I am now-- for better or for worse. What Jimmy said-- about what I've been through, what I HAVEN'T experienced-- it all just slapped me in the face. I kept having flashbacks to the day my sister died, to just what my father said, to the exact moment I heard my mother's voice on the answering machine. I remember hearing my mom scream in the middle of the night when she learned HER mother was dead, her sister was dead. She'd come from a family of nine, and there are barely 5 left now... if that. I've lost track. I'm young, but I've seen so much death. I've been torn in the middle of fights, having to "choose" between my mother and my father. I've been physically abused, and on more than one occasion, I've wished for something terrible to happen to me, simply because I haven't had the courage (if you can call it that-- I now believe it's just selfishness in disguise) to go through with it on my own.

I wish my sister were here. As pathetic as it is, all the shows I've watched tonight have been so family-centric. Not mush and aww and everything-- shows like Buffy and Smallville are hardly that. I don't know, but ever since I read what Jimmy said, I can't get her out of my head. But not the living her-- I just keep seeing her face like it was in her coffin, over and over. Those same dreams I had -the one right before she died, and the one right after- are suddenly coming back, reminding me how "alone" I am. "My family tree isn't about the people that don't love me... it's about the people that do love me." Maybe Chloe had something going there when she said that.

( i don't understand how a guy could hurt a girl and still have the nerve to say 'i care' )

What I want to do, above all else, is apologize. I'm sorry to any and all guys I offended. Regardless of whether you're my personal friends or not, what I said was out of line, and I suppose making excuses won't do much. I will say that I was upset and hurt, and that my past experience with guys has been less than positive. This past month or so has not been very good for me, and in wanting to vent about what upset me so much -regardless of whether it was intended as an insult or not- should not have gotten so blown out of proportion as it has.

The one thing I have agreed with Jimmy is that this has to end. I hate being depressed. I'm moving on. I won't speak any more of this unless it needs be.

Tomorrow's Wednesday-- I'm going to the Young Women's Health Conference and hopefully Anime FX afterwards. Maybe I'll go windowshopping downtown after I leave the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium... mmhmm. =) And there's still $4 from this past weekend... maybe I'll go to RTA.

There is something else... something unrelated to all this that's sorta been bugging me, but I'll let it be for now.

Thank you for listening to me. =)