azurite | Just Watch Me

Nope, these aren't quizzes, this is me ranting. This is me trying to be as level-headed, calm, and pure in thought as I can. Don't judge me and deem whether or not I've succeeded.

Okay, this has been haunting me long enough. There's people that are angry at me, people that don't understand, and people who don't know what to make of the whole damn situation. IN case you're curious, this is in reference to this entry.

staplerxJimmy said some stuff that really hurt my feelings-- it made me mad, it made me sad, it confused me, it did a lot of things. Mostly, it's made me think.

So here's what I'm thinking-- I'm thinking, "I'm really grateful to have the people I do in my life. I'm grateful to have friends like Will and Amber, people who are almost family to me. I'm grateful to know wise, entertaining people like Mike, Jeremy, and Vince, I'm happy to have friends to turn to for almost everything, like Eva, Cassie, Sung, and goddess knows how many other people. I'm thinking, I wish I didn't make people mad so much-- that sometimes I could think before I spoke or typed or anything like that. I wish I knew what I was feeling all the time, wish I understood other people better." That's what I was thinking.

Somehow my thoughts go around in this circle-- I think, maybe if things had been different years ago, I wouldn't be the person I am now-- for better or for worse. What Jimmy said-- about what I've been through, what I HAVEN'T experienced-- it all just slapped me in the face. I kept having flashbacks to the day my sister died, to just what my father said, to the exact moment I heard my mother's voice on the answering machine. I remember hearing my mom scream in the middle of the night when she learned HER mother was dead, her sister was dead. She'd come from a family of nine, and there are barely 5 left now... if that. I've lost track. I'm young, but I've seen so much death. I've been torn in the middle of fights, having to "choose" between my mother and my father. I've been physically abused, and on more than one occasion, I've wished for something terrible to happen to me, simply because I haven't had the courage (if you can call it that-- I now believe it's just selfishness in disguise) to go through with it on my own.

I wish my sister were here. As pathetic as it is, all the shows I've watched tonight have been so family-centric. Not mush and aww and everything-- shows like Buffy and Smallville are hardly that. I don't know, but ever since I read what Jimmy said, I can't get her out of my head. But not the living her-- I just keep seeing her face like it was in her coffin, over and over. Those same dreams I had -the one right before she died, and the one right after- are suddenly coming back, reminding me how "alone" I am. "My family tree isn't about the people that don't love me... it's about the people that do love me." Maybe Chloe had something going there when she said that.

You know, this all started with an email I thought I could vent about. It turned into something much worse, like with some of my other fanfictions... sad, isn't it? I'm a psych's dream case, I bet. Freud would hate me. Basically what I wanted to get down to was that YEAH, I'm WRONG! Are you MALES/GUYS HAPPY NOW!? I'm not saying this because anyone's forced me too, either-- it'd take more than a hot poker to get me to do that. I'm saying this because yeah, I feel bad about what I've said, and I want to clear the air before more people get mad and misunderstand me.

Not all men are as bad as I've described them. I'm truly blessed to have incredible examples of how guys can be great company... and humans are just that, and each and every one of us has our flaws. I'm not trying to pretend I see all or know all, let alone am exempt from that kind of rule of evolution. It is IN MY EXPERIENCE that SOME GUYS THAT I KNOW have a penchant for not knowing when to stop speaking --at different times, for different reasons, with different guys, they've gone and said too much, and it's felt like someone's stabbed me in the back. I've known guys that send the wrong signals, that don't tell you what's what to your face because "they're afraid to hurt your feelings." For someone like me -someone that values honesty- it's hard finding out stuff secondhand. But there's a difference between telling someone what they should know and saying it with complete disregard to their feelings. You can do it both ways-- with tact and without. When I'm pissed, I don't have tact. I don't have respect. I'm cruel, thoughtless, and emotional. I'm judgmental, rude, and a pathetic show of what women can really be. I hate myself for it too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go on a killing spree.

What I want to do, above all else, is apologize. I'm sorry to any and all guys I offended. Regardless of whether you're my personal friends or not, what I said was out of line, and I suppose making excuses won't do much. I will say that I was upset and hurt, and that my past experience with guys has been less than positive. This past month or so has not been very good for me, and in wanting to vent about what upset me so much -regardless of whether it was intended as an insult or not- should not have gotten so blown out of proportion as it has.

The one thing I have agreed with Jimmy is that this has to end. I hate being depressed. I'm moving on. I won't speak any more of this unless it needs be.

Tomorrow's Wednesday-- I'm going to the Young Women's Health Conference and hopefully Anime FX afterwards. Maybe I'll go windowshopping downtown after I leave the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium... mmhmm. =) And there's still $4 from this past weekend... maybe I'll go to RTA.

There is something else... something unrelated to all this that's sorta been bugging me, but I'll let it be for now.

Thank you for listening to me. =)