You will be punished
Apr. 18th, 2004 11:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteSaw "The Punisher." Rated R for a good reason- lots of old fashion ass-kicking violence. Knife through the mouth and stuff. Yum. Thomas Jane is hot. :) For... however old he is. Sadly, too old for a fangirl like me.
We all know the best men are two dimensional and easily found between the covers of manga, anyway. Or on cells.
Still in a bad mood. Bad is something like angry + regretful + depressed right now. No one's called or IMd or TMd or anything today, and the loneliness is sort of hanging around me like an invisible cloud. And you'll have to forgive me if I'm moody *and* poetic, since they go hand in hand whenever I have one of these depresso mood swings.
I kept checking my cell whenever I went on a break to see if I'd missed ANY calls, or gotten ANY messages. Not a thing, not a peep. Not from Mom, not from Dad, not from anybody. Even if it hadn't been someone I'd been hoping for... a friend or... whatever else, one single call probably would have made my day.
When I get depressed, I also tend to get stupid. I think stupid thoughts, consider doing stupid things, and generally fantasize what would happen if something HORRIBLE were to happen to me. I don't mean something horrible like in soap operas where I'd get shot at by a mad killer or thrown into the road by a psycho trying to escape the liquor store he robbed.
I mean BAD stuff. Stuff that, by all rights, COULD (and maybe even should, on some level) happen to me, and stuff that I could provoke if I tried hard enough. I shouldn't be thinking these kinds of things, I know. I entertain the thoughts of "How, When, and Where" easily enough... for a short while. Then something pulls me back, and I'm not 100% sure of anything.
"The R that I feel the most right now is Regret."
And I'm also a hypocrite. I told Tobey on my birthday that crying over guys isn't worth it, yadda, yadda-- my usual, "You don't need 'em" speech that I give whenever I see a girlfriend down over a guy. I should practice what I preach, but that's my weakness, I get. Getting involved in fights and arguments that I know, at least with some margin of certainty, that I can't possibly win. Not on this green Earth, that's for damn sure.
Tonight is one of those nights when I'd like to sit on Ocean Beach with a bottle of Captain Morgan's and just stare at the stars and the surf. I'd let the rum burn the insides of my throat out, and I'd drink until my eyes were bloodshot and I couldn't walk in a straight line. I'd belt out every single one of my thoughts --every last one, even the ones I don't put here (yep, there are things I DO NOT write in my journal. Hor hor) to the sky, to my sister, to whoever wanted to come all the way out there in the ocean cold with me.
In summary:
* If you're a fiction writer, you want to live in a fictional world. You live it, you breathe it, you dream it, you speak it. But you know, above all else, that it'll never be real, and that fact hurts like hell.
* I'm in a downer of a mood swing now, and I want to get drunk. But better drunk than high, or passed out somewhere the Tenderloin, or shot in gang territory.
* I'm a total and complete hypocrite. No matter how much someone or something hurts you, no matter how much regret you might have, if you EVER love or loved something, it's totally worth it to cry over. Always, forever, and over and over again. And there's no such thing as a "bad cry."
I however, seem to have run out of tears.
We all know the best men are two dimensional and easily found between the covers of manga, anyway. Or on cells.
Still in a bad mood. Bad is something like angry + regretful + depressed right now. No one's called or IMd or TMd or anything today, and the loneliness is sort of hanging around me like an invisible cloud. And you'll have to forgive me if I'm moody *and* poetic, since they go hand in hand whenever I have one of these depresso mood swings.
I kept checking my cell whenever I went on a break to see if I'd missed ANY calls, or gotten ANY messages. Not a thing, not a peep. Not from Mom, not from Dad, not from anybody. Even if it hadn't been someone I'd been hoping for... a friend or... whatever else, one single call probably would have made my day.
When I get depressed, I also tend to get stupid. I think stupid thoughts, consider doing stupid things, and generally fantasize what would happen if something HORRIBLE were to happen to me. I don't mean something horrible like in soap operas where I'd get shot at by a mad killer or thrown into the road by a psycho trying to escape the liquor store he robbed.
I mean BAD stuff. Stuff that, by all rights, COULD (and maybe even should, on some level) happen to me, and stuff that I could provoke if I tried hard enough. I shouldn't be thinking these kinds of things, I know. I entertain the thoughts of "How, When, and Where" easily enough... for a short while. Then something pulls me back, and I'm not 100% sure of anything.
"The R that I feel the most right now is Regret."
And I'm also a hypocrite. I told Tobey on my birthday that crying over guys isn't worth it, yadda, yadda-- my usual, "You don't need 'em" speech that I give whenever I see a girlfriend down over a guy. I should practice what I preach, but that's my weakness, I get. Getting involved in fights and arguments that I know, at least with some margin of certainty, that I can't possibly win. Not on this green Earth, that's for damn sure.
Tonight is one of those nights when I'd like to sit on Ocean Beach with a bottle of Captain Morgan's and just stare at the stars and the surf. I'd let the rum burn the insides of my throat out, and I'd drink until my eyes were bloodshot and I couldn't walk in a straight line. I'd belt out every single one of my thoughts --every last one, even the ones I don't put here (yep, there are things I DO NOT write in my journal. Hor hor) to the sky, to my sister, to whoever wanted to come all the way out there in the ocean cold with me.
In summary:
* If you're a fiction writer, you want to live in a fictional world. You live it, you breathe it, you dream it, you speak it. But you know, above all else, that it'll never be real, and that fact hurts like hell.
* I'm in a downer of a mood swing now, and I want to get drunk. But better drunk than high, or passed out somewhere the Tenderloin, or shot in gang territory.
* I'm a total and complete hypocrite. No matter how much someone or something hurts you, no matter how much regret you might have, if you EVER love or loved something, it's totally worth it to cry over. Always, forever, and over and over again. And there's no such thing as a "bad cry."
I however, seem to have run out of tears.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 12:27 am (UTC)Mer... you're scaring me. lol. :P j/k.
:P
Date: 2004-04-19 04:08 pm (UTC)I await the day when a real-life bishie comes my way.
:D